Leave me for now and forever [F'ur]

[rii]

Almost two days.

F'lix slipped the rope off from over his shoulder, setting down the pair of wherrysport next to the camp's firepit. It hadn't take him that long to hunt down those two, no. His absence, starting yesterday morning and spanning to the present evening, it was — F'lix wasn't even sure why, specifically, he left in the first place after having a minor tiff with F'ur; not weyrmate, not lover, not friend – just F'ur. He returned, and yet his internal issues remained unresolved.

A myriad of dark thoughts plagued him. They started as mere whispers in the back of his mind upon reuniting with K'sel and A'emi. Each passing day found F'lix growing more distant. He'd always been a silent sort around others and these others were around constantly. A'emi eventually parted ways, but K'sel remained. Nothing wrong with that - where was K'sel suppose to go? F'lix knew this. He did. Yet he couldn't help but resent the brownrider. Couldn't stop the bitter taste of jealousy from forming whenever he saw the other two men conversing and joking around.

So he left, often and alone, to go hunt or look for the exile weyr. Each return weighing on him more than the last. A true character flaw in F'lix, the inability to put words to the feelings corrupting his mind. He would rather stew unhappily, slip away and brood over what made him feel that way than speak his woes. Because, they were silly thoughts, weren't they? In the end, F'lix determined that he'd been replaced - as friend. He was just a lover; someone to sate the mood. F'ur was allowed to have friends, of course, just.. F'ur was F'lix's only friend and one he didn't have anymore. F'lix was willing to admit it was unfair on his behalf; but it didn't erase the feelings from existing.

F'lix picked up the two small wherrysports (already cleaned out) and hung them from a nearby tree, feeling no desire to cook them. He didn't have an appetite; hadn't for a couple weeks now. He didn't glance at the other two men at the camp. Didn't want to talk. End of story. He brought them food, and if he found any sign of the exiles he would let them know. F'lix moved over to where his pack laid, separate from F'ur. He slept apart because he.. felt too weird being in the same camp - nestled to F'ur while K'sel (and once upon a time A'emi) laid not far off. F'lix wasn't openly affectionate for all the world to see - and there were always eyes watching these days. A turn was a long time, and ideas of getting better had faded once again. It just.. wasn't happening. He closed off too much, and wasn't willing to be soft again for the whole group to see. Fur might see F'lix attitude differently, but how would K'sel (or A'emi) know any different. F'lix was cold then, and cold now.

Retrieving an empty water skin, F'lix slipped back out of camp without a word, heading toward the mountain spring found a short walk away.

[Requiem]

F'ur's head came up at sign of movement, eyes narrowing on F'lix for a moment, before he snorted softly at what K'sel had been saying and shot a comment back. A brief smile followed it. The expression almost reached his eyes, but the older man was clearly distracted, glances following the younger man's progress around the camp. F'ur was barefoot and had his pantlegs rolled up above the knees, clearly relaxed and not planning on going anywhere the rest of the night. Though the spear was planted in the ground not far off. Just in case.

They'd made good progress. If you could call it progress when you didn't know your destination. They may well be moving further and further away from this hidden weyr they were looking for. F'ur chose not to secondguess something like that, though. It was all guesswork and made not one lick of difference. They'd made good progress, but not nearly as good as F'lix had.

Then the younger man was leaving again without a word. F'ur exchanged a few more sentences with K'sel before excusing himself and slipping off after F'lix. He had no tree to lean against, so instead crouched, knuckles trailing idly through dirt and short grass not far away from F'lix. The dark hazel eyes lacked anything in the way of amusement. "I know it didn't take you that long to find a pair of wherrysport."

The spring was gurgling happily. Kind of felt a bit out of place. "If you're going to go off on your own, I'd appreciate seeing you at night at least so I don't have to wonder if I should track you down and see if anything's decided you look good to eat." His tone was very, very dry. Perhaps because he had been inordinately worried. Even if F'lix had been somewhat distant, this was the first time he hadn't come wandering back into camp for the whole night.

"Are you ever going to tell me what this is all about?" he questioned, his voice softening slightly. F'ur didn't know what to do with F'lix. He was aloof and spitting poison at him when F'ur tried to be in his company, but when he spent time with the more welcoming K'sel - often because the last thing F'lix seemed to want was F'ur's presence - the younger bluerider seemed to get just as upset. Perhaps more.

[rii]

He was hoping F'ur wouldn't follow..

Playing deaf to the footsteps coming up the path, F'lix uncorked the waterskin and held it into the running spring. He was crouched much like F'ur, one arm dangling over his knee as he fought to remain lax in posture. Tension showed in his shoulders regardless of his efforts. They came up ever-so-slightly, defensive and in a poor move to block out F'ur's voice. Shield him from whatever the older bluerider had to say. F'lix anticipated something more sharply phrased, but no doubt this quiet approach would be short lived.

Slowly his head turned, scarred portion of his face looking back at F'ur. Golden eyes slitted so lashes masked the presence of emotions flashing in the dark hues. "I'll leave Lilitu next time."

It did cross his mind to simply lie, but it wasn't something F'lix found easy. Lied to himself, time and time again, but couldn't bring himself to attempt it on others. Silence and avoidance were his fall-backs. F'lix faced forward, adjusting the skin to gain more water before capping the container. Setting it aside, F'lix idly washed his hands, splashing his face and trying so hard not to spin around and snap at the hovering man.

What is what all about, Fur?

F'lix flicked the water from his fingers, debating whether or not to attempt - not for the first time - to explain himself. He always lacked the words, and the courage, to fully admit those sort of things. His mind retreated away from those emotional thoughts, nestling more comfortably in scorn and thinly veiled sarcasm. It was safe there. "Are you actually here to talk, or are you just waiting for me to try and open up again so you can jab my thoughts and feelings full of holes again? Because, if that's the case, I have no more interest in talking to you than I did yesterday."

[Requiem]

Lilitu. Yes, that solved the problem of worry, but not the other unvoiced one. The one that caused his chin to dip and eyes to trail over the fingers playing through the dirt. Next time. Would they each get longer and longer? F'ur was not that possessive or smothering of a person that he needed to be around F'lix constantly. Or even daily. You couldn't always be in the company of just one person and not grow tired of them eventually. Space was a necessity sometimes. He knew that. He really did. But he also knew this was different.

No, not the result of moments of irritation or just a simple desire to be left to your own thoughts for awhile. (Like F'ur's solitary hunts were.) This was an ever-increasing, ever-deepening rift coming between them. Oh, he knew that F'lix didn't like to be observed as anything but cold, but the older man had never felt the chill before when they were together in public like he did now. Not an act for prying eyes, this, with subtle touches and body language that was theirs and theirs alone. No narrowing of eyes concealing amusement.

An irrational part of F'ur - or maybe not so irrational - was beginning to fear that one of these days F'lix would leave and just not come back. Not because he couldn't. Because he wouldn't.

A flicker of confusion crossed the older man's face. Yesterday still made little sense to him. Granted, he should know better than to be too playful verbally with F'lix. It was one thing he hadn't fallen quite as naturally back into, knowing when to turn it on and off. A turn was a long time to be apart, and they'd changed. Probably. At least a little. Getting back in synch would take time. Still, he wasn't sure...

Well, even if he couldn't pinpoint where the accusation was coming from, now at least he knew that it wasn't merely an idle conversation on the need to get F'lix to eat. They'd been joking about jerky. He'd taken advantage of K'sel's absence to lean against his weyrmate and it had somehow gone awry from there. Open mouth insert foot, only it was a ninja foot and he wasn't quite sure when it got wedged.

F'ur's response was a nod. Before he realized that F'lix wasn't looking at him. "Yes, F'lix. I'll listen." He didn't care to argue that he hadn't known they were in the midst of a serious conversation until F'lix started snapping at him before. Though he did comment wryly to himself that he should really make the kitten a sign that he could hold up. Saying, 'I'm about to say something important that won't seem important because I'm me and can't be direct.'

Okay, so maybe there was still a touch of irritation there from yesterday.

[rii]

"That was actually a rhetorical question."

F'lix rose, lifting up the bottom portion of his shirt to dry his face, running his fingers of the fabric - smoothing it back down and wiping off his hand in the same motion. He wanted to bathe, to soak in a hot springs. His memory flashed to the ones found in the hidden vale near Fort. Irritation quickly soared, his pulse upping a beat, at the briefest thoughts of the time spent there, alone, after Simper had died. His mind was so quick to still bring up the past. He wanted to live in the present; but that hadn't happened.

He picked up the flask, only then turning to settled what he hoped to be an impassive look on F'ur. Narrowed, naturally, since his scarred portion couldn't open much further. An old habit, that, making sure his eyes were even. No longer comfortable in the presence of the man he loved - still loved. Yet here he was, maintaining a metaphorical and physical distance between them. Why was he doing this? Did he want to make F'ur mad?

Yes. No.

His facial features softened, for a moment of inner thought, but it quickly hardened back up. It was hard to let the man go, but.. he couldn't make him happy. F'ur went to K'sel to have fun and be happy and F'lix.. just look at the older man. He was just.. too loyal, and too stuck to an idea of what they had. F'lix wasn't getting better. He wasn't. It wasn't fair to keep F'ur in this relationship. There was more misery involved than love; F'lix being such a fucking chore with his fucking insecurities. Couldn't even tolerate watching the man have a friendship with someone else without feeling inadequate.

F'lix was so.. nothing. Not worth the effort. F'ur just need to see it and if shoving a wedge between them did the job, then so be it. It killed him on the inside, but.. he didn't want to drag the man down with him. His lashes lowered again, an almost demure action if not for the rigid body language. Done to hide the glistening threatening to well up on him. "Go on," A slight motion of his head. "K'sel is waiting."

[Requiem]

F'ur's eyes returned to his hands, smoothing them out from where they'd clenched in the dirt. Concealing as best he could the flare of anger. Fuck it, this was why he didn't deal with women and hadn't for a good ten turns. This was exactly why. He hated this bitchy, passive-aggressive manipulative shit. If F'lix wanted to play his games, then let him. Just...let him.

Eyes went to F'lix's face in one last effort to determine why. Why was the younger man trying to drive him away? Thinking questions at the face wasn't doing any more good than asking them directly had been, but...then F'lix spoke again. F'ur's jaw tightened slightly. "Fuck K'sel," he muttered. The older bluerider was up, had closed the distance while F'lix's eyes were still downturned; his hands settled like vices on the younger's biceps.

"Tell me." Eyes narrowed, on his face if not his eyes. "Tell me you don't love me. Tell me you don't want anything to do with me. Tell me. Look me in the eyes and tell me you'd rather be anywhere else but here. Then turn and go and I won't stop you. I won't say a word. You can't be bitchy enough to change what you are to me, but i'm not going to fucking hang on to you if you hate me."

He could have said something about K'sel, asked if F'lix was actually jealous of that brownrider, but it didn't really seem all that important. F'ur wasn't sure what he'd do if F'lix could tell him these things. Let him go, certainly...but after that? No, he wasn't sure at all. This last turn had been all about F'lix. All of it. But F'ur refused to think of that now, just looked into F'lix's face. Waiting.

[rii]

The waterskin dropped, rolling a few feet down the slight incline the trail cut across. F'lix had tense, naturally, but didn't do the more reflexive reaction of defending himself. His face turned, shoulders hunching in expectation of being hit. Instead it was the words that struck, snapping golden eyes up to F'ur's face - the glisten no longer able to be hidden. His teeth gnashed behind closed lips.

"Why can't you just walk away?" Low and an angry hiss as he kept his gaze firm on Fur's face. "I'm sick of needing to be fix. I'm sick of you having to do it." His arms flex against F'ur's grip. Speaking always made it harder to keep the emotions from bubbling up. A quavering voice at first, a tremble of lip later. "I'm sick of being so fucking insecure about ever damn thing around me. Sick of the endless loop I repeat with you, aren't you tired - don't you see it yet? Your stuck, F'ur, with an idea of what we had. Just look at what I do to you."

Tear-tracks now, though he kept the glare going strong. "I hate that I'm not your friend anymore. I'm jealous. Fucking jealous. This is ridiculous," He finally brought his arms up, breaking F'ur's grasp and moving a step backwards. "I'm broken, I'm fucking insane. I am, but admitting it does make go the fuck away like I want it to." His voice continued to stay low, because even then, he didn't want his drama to be overheard. He snatched up the water skin, turning away to wipe his face clean with a palm. Seething that he could make it stop.

No, he couldn't say the words that F'ur wanted to hear. "How about you tell me you're sick of this, that you don't want it anymore. Love isn't going to fix it, just.. prolong.. whatever this has turned into." His voice was weakening, the flare of temper fading. "Why can't you just leave me behind. Please. I'm trying to let you go in the only way I know how.."

[Requiem]

Whatever response he thought he'd get, this wasn't it. That was clear just by the rather blank expression on the man's face as he met F'lix's eyes. And still he felt lost, even as F'lix spoke and the tears started, hearing them and understanding their meaning in the literal sense but not on anything resembling actual comprehension. He didn't see the problem F'lix was outlining, except that it seemed to distress him greatly.

Hands returned to his sides as F'lix broke away from him. It likely wasn't what the kitten wanted, but the outpouring just made F'ur hurt for him. Why did he feel he had to keep all of that locked inside? Clearly, the older man was failing F'lix in very fundamental ways. No matter how insecure the younger man was, how many ghosts he had, if he could believe those things...

His arms slid around F'lix's waist from behind, drawing the younger man gently back against him. F'ur's voice was soft. "If I'm a prisoner, Faranth, F'lix...I'm a willing one. Do I get irritated with you, lose patience? Sure. It's human. But being without you...I was stuck in such a hellish obsession of pain and rage and...I missed you with every fiber of my being. I don't know what you think you're doing to me but...it's nothing to feel so terrible about. You saved me from myself and continue to do so every day."

F'ur rested his chin on F'lix's shoulder. "You're still my best friend. My best friend. K'sel is all goofiness. I hated his guts until you came back to me, but now I'm happy enough to enjoy goofing off. Every bit of joy you see from me is because of you. Besides, all that bounce gets tiring." He nibbled lightly at F'lix's earlobe. "We should spend more time alone," he murmured.

[rii]

No, no.

F'lix threaded his fingers into ink black strands, fisting his hair so he could feel the pain. He grit his teeth to the sensation, concentrating on these instead of the arms encircling his waist. Damnit. He came with a better resolve, to not be so easily soothed into sweet words and touches. He wanted to believe them, again, but no. Teeth slowly sank into his lower lip, blood welling up and filling his mouth with the tangy flavor.

The nip drew action from the younger rider. F'lix twisted around, grabbing a handful of F'ur's shirt collar. The gleam to his eyes not that far from what would be considered the crazed look of a mad man. "Why do you do this to yourself - you're mad." It hadn't slipped his memory of what F'ur use to be called in the north. "And so fucking stubborn. Why can't you let me go? You should." Stupid man. F'lix fingers curled more tightly into the fabric. The words descending into whispers once again, "Why do you let me do this to you - how long before you to do this again. It shouldn't be like this."

Clamping his jaw shut to stop the rambling, F'lix shoved as much as he pulled away to put distance between them. He wanted to work it out, to agree to F'ur's words that they did need more time for just the two of them. Time when F'ur wasn't trying to twist his words around to make him feel stupid. F'lix had a hard enough time communicating with people. The turn alone had only brought it all back and he was finding it.. difficult to talk to F'ur. He lifted a hand to his ear, the one F'ur had nibbled, accusation being shot toward F'ur with a narrowed look. He would not be distracted that easily.

[Requiem]

F'ur's embrace loosened in the face of the sudden twist, chin lifting slightly as he was grabbed by the collar. In his eyes, though, there was no reaction other than confusion. He wasn't much of a one to fear anything anyway, but even less when it came to his weyrmate's actions. The older bluerider frowned slightly and let his arms fall away.

It was perhaps strange that his first reaction after being pushed away was to remove the water flask from his belt and press it into F'lix's chest. The younger man certainly sounded heat-crazed, even if the weather was fairly cool here in the higher altitudes during this time of turn. "You've lost me," he responded with all honesty. Clearly just holding the man and reassuring him was not going to work this time.

"I'm not sure what you're referring to. And I think you're going to have to explain it to me, F'lix, because I've been trying to guess and it's not working very well." No, he was pretty sure the kitten was the one who was mad. Or at least highly emotional enough to be close. Really he just wanted to walk with F'lix through the jungles again, have one of their familiar sardonic conversations, just...be them.

He sighed softly and ran a hand through his hair. "Just tell me what you need."

[rii]

"I know."

F'lix words were wedged in after F'ur's first ones. A snapping comment, even if it did bring a well of sadness to his golden eyes. He'd lost F'ur during that turn apart, and in that space F'ur had replaced him. K'sel was the new friendship and.. F'lix eyes suddenly narrowed, accusation burning brightly. Had A'emi filled in the spot of lover? A man had needs, right? F'lix faintly hissed as he drew in a breath through his teeth. He hadn't touched anyway during the last turn - but that was crazy ol' him. Too obsessively attached. F'lix's hands began to wring the neck of his waterskin.

"I've been telling you - why don't you listen?"

He shrank further away from F'ur, boots splashing through the spring to put the water between them. His heart was doing a frantic dance inside his chest, adding to the inability to keep his thoughts for racing. Part of him wanted to turn and quickly dash into.. well there was much tree cover here, but maybe just hide somewhere in the rock cropings. He was determined, this time, to not let himself be mollified by F'ur's presence and make the damn man see the truth of the situation.

"This relationship isn't healthy. I'm.. unfair. I don't want to share you and it's.. psychotic. You keep having to fix me, and I keep breaking, it's just.. a vicious cycle. I want you to see this for what it is and get yourself out of the loop. But you're stubborn, and stuck with the idea of me that I'm just.. not. It kills me to make such a mess out of us. I don't want to do it anymore."

F'lix didn't think being alone would fix himself any, but at least he wouldn't find himself looking at F'ur and feel the insane urge to just launch into some rant about Faranath only knows what. Complete with angry gestures and just utter failing on his part because of his inability to explain feelings. How do you put a feeling into words? F'lix was no artist to do such a thing. Even the lines that traced him neck to foot were elusive in meaning.

[Requiem]

F'ur's hands found his pockets. As they often did when he found himself at a loss, or at least somewhat unwilling to be completely open and readable to people. He didn't know what to do with any of this, any of the words and ideas that F'lix was flinging at him. The older man was trying to understand. Even if he had the sense that this was not altogether so big a problem as F'lix perceived it to be, he couldn't cut it off at the roots if he couldn't wrap his mind around what it was.

So this was one of those I want you but you're too good for me things? It's not you, it's me. I'm messing us up. It will be better when I'm gone. You'll see. F'ur's eyes remained steady on F'lix's face as the younger bluerider retreated. Not only was that all bullshit, it wasn't F'lix's choice. No one was holding a knife to F'ur's throat and forcing him to continue his association with the kitten. It wasn't a choice the younger man should be allowed to make for him.

Nor did he intend to let F'lix do so.

"Jealousy is fairly normal, I think." He knew. But that was neither here nor there. Nor did he bring up that the reason he kept spending time with K'sel was due to F'lix's wish to be alone. So there was really no basis for the jealousy anyway. "I don't agree with you, but I also don't care to fight about this." Because likely F'lix wouldn't let it go. "So why don't we just make a deal?"

F'ur did not move to close the distance, merely waited to see if F'lix was paying attention. "We never mention this again. We spend more time together, just the two of us. And if you still feel this way when we find where all the other exiles are holed up, we go our separate ways." It was hardly because F'ur wanted that. There was nothing false in what he'd said to F'lix earlier, and it would be...a great loss to him. But he didn't care to hold the kitten here against his will. Besides, the man was confident that F'lix's feelings would change once they'd gotten a chance to stable out more. A turn was a long time to be apart.

"But you can't just go off on your own all the time and avoid me until we get there, either. That's not fair to me." F'ur narrowed his eyes at F'lix. "Is it a deal, then?"