Quite the Mouthful (Ka'rys, etc.)

[glamourie]

Oh his aching head. Ka’rys felt as if his brain was about to explode out of his ears as mush. The majority of him wanted to yell back at her - to fight and flail. He had a great deal of pent up frustration welling inside him, waiting for the opportune moment to burst out. Yet - yet he couldn’t. Even though he kept his head down and stared at his bandaged foot, Ka’rys couldn’t even bring himself to speak. For a heartbeat he was trapped in silence. There were so many things he wanted to say, and most of them were unkind. He was upset. One apology didn’t fix the upset, even if he did believe her. One apology didn’t take away the constant feeling that she was talking down to him, that she thought he was wrong. Her “explanations” were nothing more than attempts at defending herself, at telling him his beliefs were wrong and by proxy, he was unjustified in feeling anything negative, because clearly those feelings were unfounded. How was he supposed to make Savitri understand that, though? She seemed to operate on such complicated belief systems, but Ka’rys wasn’t complicated, not when it came to feelings. He was very simple in that regard. When he was wrong, he said he was sorry. He didn’t justify it. He just said sorry. Plain and simple. He didn’t expect long, drawn out explanations from her. She owed him none of that. Just a simple “I’m sorry, and I’ll try not to do it again” was more than enough to make him happy. The more complicated responses just confused and upset him.

Most of him wanted to run away. If Ka’rys were to be totally honest with himself, he wanted to run back up to his weyr - or, well, hobble, because he couldn’t well run - and curl up in his furs. He wanted to hug Reggie, because the feline was comforting and loved him unconditionally (save the five minutes he managed to be mad for something or another). He wanted to curl up with his furs around him against Ciceroth’s flank and let the bronze’s warmth sink into his skin until the emptiness pooling inside of himself finally shattered away. Ka’rys wanted to give up. Emotions weren’t his strong point. He turned them off better than he listened to them. He just - he wasn’t good at explaining his own feelings, his own thoughts, and for his whole life, Ka’rys was used to not expressing things. When he got angry or upset, he turned it off, or avoided the issue until it went away. Savitri did not present any such option, and that made dealing with her very, very difficult.

Yet, despite wanting to run into the horizon, Ka’rys didn’t. He was a lot of things, but unfair wasn’t one of them. Even though it would’ve been easier and probably, in the end, less stressful to run away and curl up alone, he didn’t. He said that all he wanted was for her to say she was sorry - no explanations, no justifications, just a simple apology. And even though it took a magnificently large fight to get it out of her, she did do that. Leaving after she tried (even if it took him spelling it out for her, he thought with a touch of bitterness) would have been unbelievably unfair. He wasn’t capable of that, and… he didn’t really want to leave on such horrible terms. He cared about Savitri, as much as it made him uncomfortable to think about it, and he didn’t want her to hurt so badly because of him. Although it was fast becoming obvious he couldn’t avoid that, the least he could do was make good on his word and try. He meant it when he said he’d try to meet her half-way. He did.

Ka’rys shakily moved back toward the bed and rested his knees on the top, half-sitting. He swung his legs up properly and perched, so that he was on one corner, in an apt position to flee if needed. He really didn’t mean the positioning as offensive, but he couldn’t bring himself to be completely comfortable. That he didn’t leave should have been enough. At least, he hoped it was.

“You always -” he began, then swallowed before looking up at the ceiling. “You make everything so complicated. So complicated. I’m not complicated, ‘vi, not at all… I… I think like a child might in some ways. If I screw up, if I do something to hurt you, unintentional though it may be - I apologize. Or I try to. Like right now, I don’t - I don’t mean to upset you, you know? I’m sorry for it, I am. There’s no explanations needed, no justifications. It’s like… if you want an explanation, I can give one, but that’s only if you ask. That’s all I want from you, too. I don’t want you to defend yourself because you don’t have to. If you’re sorry, that’s enough. You could do something to crush my feelings, but if you were genuinely sorry, it wouldn’t matter to me why you did it… only that you’re sorry for it. Do you understand…? You complicate it so much, but I’m not complicated at all, and I don’t have complicated requests of you. You - you think too much, I think. I think you over think things and it makes us unable to communicate, because I really don’t think so much with you. You don’t let me. You make me just -- do. You get mad when I think too much.” He felt like a child explaining it, which made him flush in embarrassment. True nonetheless, though. Savitri got agitated with him when he got too thoughtful. She was always telling him not to beat around the bush, so… he wasn’t. He just hoped she’d appreciate it for once.

[kysseh]

Savitri allowed herself to relax just a bit at the realization that Ka’rys was not going to leave immediately. More accurately, she tried to force herself to relax and only succeeded in squirming. Apology… accepted? He was still here, wasn’t he? His perch looked rather precarious there, but she was unwilling to crowd him and frighten him off. Instead, she simply sat very still, her gaze fixated. She had to swallow the blood that was welling up out of the hole on the inside of her lip, but none of it seemed to be escaping. Only belatedly did she realize just how high her blood pressure was, feeling the pulsing in her neck. Shardit, but she was tense.

When he spoke, she was rather surprised by the way he spoke of his own mental capacities. Ka’rys… thinking like a child?! She had always thought him intelligent, certainly more so than her. It was somewhat intimidating, to be quite honest. Apparently, though, his logic was more… simplistic than she thought. A frown appeared on her face, though it was far from disapproval. Confusion, perhaps. He just… wanted a simple apology? That was all it had taken to settle him now, but it just seemed… somewhat inadequate.

He was flush with embarrassment, and she managed a smile for him for just a moment before retracting her lip to keep from spitting out a mouthful of blood. It was slowing, at least. Her attention was largely focused on the bronzerider, who looked… strangely youthful, sitting as he was and flushing, almost stuttering. “I… I’m really sorry. I know that I… think too much about things.” She shrugged helplessly, nibbling at her lower lip more out of habit than anything. The blood was finally slowing, so her mouth didn’t feel like a pool anymore. This was positive. “If you don’t… want explanations, I’ll try not to make them. Just… remind me? It’s habit.”

She had the grace to look and sound chagrined at that, tugging her knees up tighter to her chest and clinging to the pillow. The pillow had stopped smelling like him a sevenday after she had taken possession, but she still liked the thing nonetheless. Like a child with a favored toy, almost. She was as bad as him. No. Worse. Her gaze drifted over him, turning over his words in silence. That he would accept genuine apologies, without qualifications, was shocking. He just… trusted her that way? She had always thought he was more complicated… or, perhaps she had just been imagining that. Regardless, she was appreciative. He wasn’t leaving her; he was giving her a chance to rectify the problem.

“It’s… not fair of me to ask simplicity of you if I’m not willing to return. I’ll try to be better about it. I care about you, Rys. I care… a lot, and I don’t want to drive you away. I know you’re being honest with me, and it’s… not entirely pleasant to hear, but you’re right. I’m sorry that it had to come down to this, though.” Her irritation was directed at herself, for pushing him nearly to the point of walking out. "You're... honestly just... that's all you want? A genuine apology?" She was still having trouble processing it. Didn't he want proof?

[glamourie]

Was it really so hard to believe? Ka’rys didn’t think he was that complicated, at least not when it came to his feelings. Yes, he was extremely backwards. In the past turn he’d come to understand that he was beyond the normal definition of weird in that regard. He didn’t think about things the way most people did, but that didn’t make him outrageously complicated. His expectations from Savitri were actually very simple - but given their personalities, that simplicity was compounded by a very real conflict. What Ka’rys wanted more than anything else from Savitri was what he deemed to be fairness. If she asked something of him, she had to be willing to give it of herself. If she expected him to do something, and he did it, he expected her to be just as willing to follow through. Example: If he were to neglect his health the way Savitri recently had, she’d be furious with him, fuss and throw a tantrum. Therefore, he thought he had a right to do the same to her, since he’d gone out of his way not to be neglectful of his health out of respect for the gold rider. Give and take. To him, that was fair. He knew he couldn’t be totally open and honest the way she wanted -- so he didn’t demand the same of her. Wasn’t that logical? How relationships, not just romantic but also friendship, were supposed to work? Respect…? Ka’rys didn’t understand how it could be so difficult to understand.

Things were too tense for him to try and explain that to her, not right then. He wanted more than anything to tell her he’d never ask anything from her that he himself was unwilling to give - because he tried, very hard, not to. He didn’t want her to feel like he was bullying her. At the same time, he expected the same courtesy. Really simple, wasn’t it? Yes, he often said things strangely -- he’d claim he was fine when he wasn’t, he’d say he wasn’t mad when he was, and more often than not, Ka’rys avoided problems rather than address them. He was trying though. Going from repressing everything to expressing feelings - with one person, but still - was a dramatic change that was stressful and flat out exhausting. Whether Savitri consciously realized it or not, she taxed what little patience he had at times. Only the fact that he genuinely cared about her kept Ka’rys from totally giving up. Miracles never ceased.

“Savitri,” Ka’rys said softly and he uncurled to look at her. “Don’t you get it yet…? That’s what I meant by - by that I trust you. I wouldn’t have told you anything if I didn’t… and I don’t - I don’t believe you’d lie to me. If you apologize to me, I’m going to assume you mean it… and that’s enough, yes, that’s enough. That’s what I was trying so hard to tell you, to make you understand. You kept with the explanations, but I told you I didn’t need ‘em, and you kept on anyway. It felt like you were saying I was wrong, and shouldn’t have ever felt that way… because you felt like you had to keep explaining it to me, when I didn’t need any of that to start with. Your word is enough for me.”

Maybe that was sappy. Perhaps. He didn’t know. What Ka’rys did know was that he believed Savitri; her word really was enough, so long as her actions didn’t contradict it. He wanted to believe her. In some ways, Ka’rys was extremely sentimental. The thought made him fidget, and he flopped back in the furs, flat on his back, to stare at the ceiling. Were they finally getting somewhere? About bloody time. He was beginning to think that he and Savitri spoke different languages or something, because she did not seem to comprehend what he meant unless he spelled it out. Whether that was her fault or his, he couldn’t say, but he really was trying to be clear with her… and his head throbbed, just thinking about it. He almost wanted to go back to sleep, just to kill the pain.

There were other things they needed to talk about, though… things that both he and Savitri had been avoiding. Like his past. Like her brother. So many topics. Ka’rys frowned, then rolled over onto his side. “I didn’t bring up Virast to hurt you, ‘vi.” He meant it. “I knew it would -- but that isn’t why I did it. You have to know that I’m right. He’d never, ever want you to sit - sit and not function. He loved you. I know what it’s like to be a younger brother, so I know how that feeling is. I know it’s- it’s hard letting go. But you’ve got to keep going, you know. You have this tendency to push everyone away and barely function, and it’s not healthy, and it’s not right, and I hate watching you do it, and it doesn’t take a genius to know that it’s not what your brother would’ve wanted, either… because he loved you, and people who love you don’t want to see you hurt. Do you understand…?”

[kysseh]

He really didn’t… need the explanations, did he?

Unconditional acceptance was not something familiar to Savitri. Giving, yes, but receiving… it baffled her. Only Hepaticath and Virast--in his own special way--had ever demonstrated that sort of feeling toward her. Savitri was confused and not entirely in a bad way, staring at Ka’rys with a mixture of warmth and bewilderment. She had not expected it from him, the depth of feeling. It should not have surprised her, but Savitri had previously operated under the assumption that Ka’rys had not felt about her to the depth that she did about him. Previously. She had never doubted his affection toward her, but she had not realized that it bordered on-

Oh, movement?

She was noticeably startled when he flopped to his back and then rolled to his side, immediately taking that as an invitation to move in close. She settled in front of him, curled on her side with her head on his--her!--pillow. The fur was tucked around her body to keep her warm, and the goldrider scrunched her toes beneath the covering. They were cold, and she doubted Ka’rys would appreciate her… warming them against his legs again.

Of course, the mention of Virast gave her a momentary pause, and she bristled slightly at first. The tension melted at his words, vanishing in the face of his own feelings about his sister. His sister had never been like his child, come to him for comfort and reassurance, but the experience was much the same. He missed Kamerai, she thought. More pressing, though, was his statement that people who loved her wouldn’t want to see her as she was at the moment. Humph. People who loved her? It was a short list that had been narrowed to one at Virast’s death, and Hepaticath didn’t exactly count as a ‘person’ in the human sense. She wasn’t a well-loved sort of person, and though Savitri was fine with it, she could scarcely deny the wistful thought that-

Oh!

Her cheeks flushed slightly in embarrassment at both the situation and the realization of his words. “I know… that isn’t what he wanted. He always did everything he could to cheer me up. Would bring me all sorts of pretty things, just to see if it would make me smile,” she said softly, edging herself and her pillow a bit closer to the bronzerider. Just a little, of course. She didn’t want him to flee from her. “You love her too, don’t you? Kamerai, I mean.” One of her hands cautiously extended to rest on his arm, her gaze focusing on his face. “By the way, Rys? I love you too.” Was she blushing? Oh, yes, she was. And smiling, but that was beyond the point. She was so not telling Aliscia about this. The greenrider would tease her endlessly for sevendays.

[glamourie]

Love…? That elusive L word that women seemed so very, very fond of. Truthfully, Ka’rys hadn’t thought much of it throughout his life; he’d never stopped to think “I love her” in relation to anyone but Kalerary… and that was an entirely different brand of love; no self-respecting parent had to even question the feeling. He’d never thought of the “L” word with anyone else. Did he love his sister? Maybe. How was he to know? She was important to him. For most of his life, she was his only family. More than that, she was his Senior Weyrwoman and probably the only reason he’d been allowed to Stand for Impression after - after the incident. Her Grenostith gave him Ciceroth. Did he love her though? He didn’t know; he missed her, at times, but close was not a word ever to be termed for their relationship. The age difference was part of it, for she was old enough to be his mother… but, close or not, he did care about her. Ka’rys frowned, trying to think. Did he …? Perhaps; it was easier, at least, to think that he did. He certainly mourned her absence, even if he didn’t speak to her for turns before her death. Bizarre.

That thought was all but immediately cut off by Savitri’s next words, which tightened his chest uncomfortably. No one. No one in his life, except perhaps Kalerary, had ever said those words to him. Not his sister. Not Leradi. Not any of the assorted women (and, regrettably enough, men) who had shared his furs at Fort. No one. And Ka’rys knew for a fact that his child was the only one he’d ever said those words to. Oh, he understood very well where Savitri deduced it from - his statement did imply that… but it made him uncomfortable to use the word when he was not completely sure. He didn’t lead people on, not emotionally, and he wasn’t a creature of vast emotional complexity. It felt like such a commitment to use that word - like such a promise, and if he was wrong, a mistake of immeasurable proportions. His stomach hurt from the sheer thought of it, but Ka’rys managed to keep his face from showing his nervousness. Love indeed.

The first thought he had in response (aside from his initial alarm) was to distract her. Keep her mind off of the L word. Even if it was flattering to hear it, “love” was not something he wanted to think about yet. They’d only really been together for about a -- about a turn? It … wow, he was surprised at that thought.

Pushing that from his mind, Ka’rys rolled over so that he was actually on top of Savitri. His hands rested at either side of her shoulders, his face inches from hers. Gently, Ka’rys brushed his nose against hers. That one touch was meant to be affectionate, and hopefully would belie the initial surprised reaction he had. His ankle (still somewhat sore) and headache were pushed to the back of his mind in favor of something more important: distraction 101. His lips brushed against hers, feather-light, barely able to qualify as a kiss. It took some effort not to focus on her bruised face and a fresh surge of anger with Aliscia momentarily distracted him. He did intend to deal with her, make her pay for that… but not right now; right now, he wanted something entirely different.

“Am I allowed to use a birthday wish?” he asked, voice very quiet. Somewhere in the back of his mind he could feel Ciceroth’s growing amusement and was not pleased by it. Cursed bronze. Tuning that out, Ka’rys lifted one hand to trail the tip of his index finger down Savitri’s jaw line before cocking his head to the side. If she couldn’t figure out what said birthday wish was, well - she had a problem, she did. He wasn’t being remotely subtle.

[kysseh]

Savitri was abruptly surprised by the fact that Ka’rys rolled over atop her, putting his face… very close to her own. He was probably going to hate that black eye even more now, but Savitri was distracted by the fact that she had a clothed but still very attractive bronzerider pinning her to the bed. The furs around her body were between them, but… that was not quite enough. She squirmed a little and tried to remain fixated on the task at hand. They had been talking things over. Given the way the nose brushed against hers, though, Ka’rys had something else entirely on his mind.

It took effort to not moan too loudly in response to the light touch of his lips over hers, but a little one did slip past her lips. She squirmed again, trying to force her mind back to the task at hand. Or… at mouth. No! Hand! She could not keep her mind in one set pattern and groaned in frustration. So much for talking. Apparently, Rys was happy that she loved him. That… or he was terrified at the mere thought. He had brought it up! She was only responding, but-

Oh, never mind that.

Apparently, Rys had had enough of the yammering about family and other important issues, for his request was decidedly not on the order of appropriate. In fact, she was fairly sure he wanted something decidedly inappropriate. She tried to scowl and succeeded only in lifting her chin to press against his finger. She liked that contact. He needed to touch her more and not just when he wanted something. The touching was… arousing, to say the least. And soothing. Comforting.

“… you may, if I get to make one birthday request of you?” She was more than willing to allow him to get away with forgetting her birthday, so long as she got to make one little request of him. Just… one little request. “I want you… to tell me exactly what you want… so you don’t have to fall asleep on me again.” Yes, her ego was still smarting just a little over that.