Quite the Mouthful (Ka'rys, etc.)

[kysseh]

Savitri remained very still, curled against the footboard of her bed with a fur wrapped loosely around her torso. It was not for modesty but for warmth. She was cold, and shivering uncontrollably tended to alert and awaken the sleeping. And it was best to let sleeping men lie, wasn't it?

All things considered, letting Ka'rys sleep was probably the wisest of Savitri's options. Their last discussion had degenerated into an all-out argument that still had Savitri wanting to cringe away in fear and guilt. She'd upset him, her bronzerider. It was not her intention, but it had happened regardless. That she had not seen him for a bit was unsurprising to her, so for him to show up in her weyr unannounced was shocking until she recognized the after-effects of Flightlust. One of the greens--Jarcith, if Hepaticath's memory was up to its normal accuracy--had Risen, and Ciceroth had pursued and lost. Hepaticath had quietly bemoaned having a cold couch but otherwise made no comment, which Savitri found curious. Strange. Didn't queens get protective of their bronzes?

Perhaps Hepaticath was just odd, but the (not so) young woman was hardly about to argue with having a less-than-fussy mindmate. Hepaticath was odd enough over some things to make up for her lack of general grumpiness over the issue of her favorite bronze. Best to let sleeping dragons lie too, and Hepaticath was still asleep, fortunately for both Savitri and the gold. Hepaticath could use the sleep, and Savitri needed the peace to think. Most of her pets were otherwise occupied or asleep. Both Fish and Vira were snoozing on the goldrider's lap, Vira occasionally twitching a little black and orange paw against Savitri's thigh. Both felines were ridiculously affectionate, even to the point of being clingy at times. Not that that was a bad thing, of course.

Savitri, though stroking the felines, was mostly occupied with watching the bronzerider and doing her best to not disturb his rest. After waking that morning after the events following flightlust, the young woman had proceeded to use her newly-acquired skills to wake her bronzerider up. It had worked... temporarily. He was sleeping again, and she had let him sleep, instead slipping carefully out of bed for her usual morning routine, minus the bath and the clothes. Why bother? She was just going to go right back to her furs, which she made a mental note to clean that day. It was still early morning; she had plenty of time. Besides, a tiny bit of extra work was negligible in comparison. She would have felt giddy were it not for the inevitable fact that Ka'rys would eventually wake... and see her eye, among other things. Aliscia's brutal teaching methods and Savitri's inability to properly duck a blow had given the goldrider quite the blackened eye.

She stroked the mewling, half-asleep felines in her lap, wishing they would hush and not awaken him just yet. She wanted him to overlook the unsavory details, and a tired Ka'rys seemed to be a cantankerous one.

[glamourie]

“Nyyyerggggg ReggieshushsshsuhshhhhReggie.”

Ka’rys groaned from his spot sprawled out on his stomach, arms wound under his pillow. One hand lifted to swat to his side, then the other moved to smack the bed at the opposite side. Both hands moved up and down, back and forth, clearly in search of the source of the mewling. When his hands impacted nothing, the bronze rider thoughtfully clucked his tongue. He was still very clearly mostly asleep. For a brief second, the sound appeared to stop and he mumbled something under his breath before laying his head down again. Then it started and he crinkled his nose before ducking underneath the furs, in an attempt to stifle the noise. His pillow was dragged along with him, crunched over his head to drown out the noise - unsuccessfully, at that. The incessant mewling, so pleasant, so cheery: he could still hear it clear as day. What in the world was Reggie trying to do, wake the dead? Ridiculous, evil little feline. No consideration for anyone else. See if he sneaked him any more of the cream from the kitchens. He’d remember! Ka’rys squirmed, a lump beneath the furs, and then moved.

From above, it very likely looked as though there was an odd shape beneath the blankets, squirming about from one end to the other. Finally he came out at the other end, right next to Savitri, and swatted some more. The sound was closer now, closer -- he swatted out to his right and his hand came down to rest directly on something soft. Unfortunately, said thing wasn’t furry by any stretch of the imagination and the end result was for him to open his dark brown eyes wide. What he saw was the top of a blanket, but his hand jerked back to himself and he tensed, trying to replay the previous night over in his mind to figure out who he’d just… fondled. His mind kept going back to Savitri and, bashfully, Ka’rys squirmed underneath the blankets. Nothing like a naked woman to make him wide awake. He remembered waking up earlier, too, and a flood of memories made him blush. He was very glad he was face-down, because no doubt she’d laugh at him.

“Uhh… sorry,” he said weakly, voice muffled by the pillow so really it sounded more like “Mmfffreee” than an actual statement, but at least the effort counted?

How eloquent you are, Rysmine. Do sit up and talk to her proper. Hiding behind your blankets is very silly.

“Aren’t you hiding in our weyr?” Ka’rys replied out loud, not caring that Savitri could hear him (he was muffled anyway). “Who are you to talk about silly?” However, despite his complaints, Ka’rys did sit up awkwardly. His pillow fell to his lap and his hands moved to his face to rub his eyes as he mumbled what probably was ‘good morning’ but could also be ‘it’s pouring’ (which it was outside, for it rained almost every day anymore). He picked at the corners of his eyes for a moment before stretching his arms out above his head. His back cracked not once, not twice, but a good four times, resulting in awkward sounds that echoed through the mostly-quiet weyr. Once he was sure that he was comfortable (complete with rotating his head around to crack his neck), he draped his fingers through his hair to push the long, dark strands from the front back out of view. Then he opened his eyes.

His jaw dropped, awkwardly, and Ka’rys stammered with one hand coming up to point at her face in what was probably the most embarrassing response he could muster, “What happened to your face!?”

[kysseh]

Savitri squeezed her eyes tightly shut as the muffled, grumbled words indicated the fact that Ka’rys was starting to wake up. He was not conscious yet, she didn’t think, but her eyes did open to watch him squirm under the covers to… escape the noise. She could make out ‘Reggie’ among the muttered words and quickly tried to shush Fish, who kept mewling sleepily for attention. Fish was demanding, at best. Vira was simply purring as loudly as she could, her entire little body vibrating on Savitri’s lap. The kitten was rapidly waking up and rubbing her head against her human, and both of the felines, though quiet, refused to hush.

The result was Ka’rys squirming out the other end of the furs, which put him very, very close to the wide-awake and nervous goldrider. Not nervous because of… what had happened, of course. She wasn’t in any pain, though a little sore; energetic bed activities were something she was still not used to. He was batting about for something, and she froze as his hand landed on her, willing herself to not move in response. He did pull away quickly enough, and she sighed. Him being facedown made things hard; she couldn’t see his facial expressions and tentatively reached out a hand to touch him, a hand that was quickly retracted at his muffled speech that sounded like… nothing intelligible.

His next words were fully intelligible, though, and she crinkled her nose in confusion, sitting in silence as the bronzerider did his wake-up routine. “Good morning,” she muttered softly in response to what she thought he had said. His back cracked rather loudly, and Savitri wished to massage it, a wish that diminished as soon as Ka’rys’s eyes opened and he pointed a seemingly accusing finger in her direction. She cringed.

“I ducked the wrong way during a fighting lesson. It’s just a bruise. I’ve been treating it,” she said simply, hugging Vira protectively against her chest. The little kitten simply continued to purr nonstop, rubbing her head against the goldrider’s scarred chest. Savitri took comfort from that. “I’m fine, thank you. Other than aging, my face is perfectly fine.” Yes, the goldrider was sore about the fact that she was getting older. Savitri sighed and curled herself up tighter against the footboard, lifting her free hand from Fish to brush at her bedmate’s hair.

A sudden thought amused her, and she ducked her head, her face flushing. “Are we really going to just… do this every time Ciceroth Chases? I’m going to have to encourage him. I can’t argue with the reslts,” she confessed, sighing as Fish hopped off her lap and disrupted the fur that the goldrider had wrapped around her torso. The fur fell, and the feline leapt gracefully into Rys’s lap, mewing plaintively for attention. Fish didn’t mind begging, and since Savitri was occupied, the human male would have to do. Her head rubbed against his abdomen, tail held high. Mmmmm, nice human that would pet her, right?

[glamourie]

Fighting lesson - aging - what - bruise - of course it was a bruise, did he look blind - what did she mean aging, she was barely twenty yet - fighting lesson with whom - what -

Aliscia.

Somehow, he knew the greenrider had some part in Savitri’s injuries, and it did not at all please him. Part of Ka’rys wanted very much to stand up, pull on some pants (he couldn’t go barging in on her stark naked or she’d surely have to make some comment and then a simple tantrum would turn into an all out attempt at homicide) and then hunt her down and give her a piece of his mind. Or perhaps a piece of his left fist, preferably to her right eye. How dare she - how dare she. Oh, he wasn’t stupid. It didn’t take a genius to deduce that Savitri had likely asked the woman for help but there was a difference between helping and maiming. She didn’t have to hit her that hard! It was an ugly bruise, too, and hearing that it was being treated did not help his mood at all. The very sight made him extremely angry. Not that Ka’rys liked Aliscia much to begin with (her need to butt into things that didn’t concern her not withstanding, he was predisposed to dislike Benden riders by nature), but that tipped him into an anger that was formidable. His mind was working through logic that if Aliscia insisted on teaching Savitri with such rough methods, he really ought to give her incentive to make sure Savitri blocks better. On the flip side, he didn’t deny that he was looking for an excuse to vent his frustrations with her. Seeing Savitri’s face mangled was a pretty good one, no matter what the justification was -- and given Aliscia’s self-righteous attitude, he was sure she’d spout one that he’d ignore. Her idea of justice and his were worlds apart.

The comment about aging touched a nerve, though. Oh, Ka’rys wasn’t stupid; he knew Savitri’s birthday was coming up. Still, she was turning, what, twenty-one? She’d made quite a fuss over his birthday if he recalled correctly (which he knew he did). She was honestly complaining about turning twenty-one? His mind rejected it and he cast Savitri a glare that may or may not have been half-hearted. She was being ridiculous, and arguing with her about it was almost certainly pointless. Once Savitri got her head onto some subject, she was usually hard to convince otherwise short of beating her down with facts. Ka’rys was actually practicing staying calm and debating with her fact-to-fact until she caved; it was something he’d spent his private time working on, because getting emotional only made things worse. His eyebrows raised, and he cocked his head to the side… trying very hard not to look at the darkened spot on her face. It was very upsetting.

“You can talk about aging when you enter your fourth decade of life, or acquire gray hairs. Until then, kindly shut up,” he said with a hint of affection mingling through the annoyance.

Where were his pants? Did he really want them? Ka’rys frowned slightly, then uncurled, his legs pulling up at the knee in front of him. It was probably an odd position to be in considering that he wasn’t wearing anything whatsoever, but -- eh. Somehow he suspected she’d like it even less if he decided to get dressed to talk to her. His mind raced, and it was hard to contain the growing anger. He was betting he knew where to find Aliscia, and as soon as he managed to escape Savitri, he intended to hunt her down. No doubt the gold rider would be positively furious with him, insisting he was over-reacting -- but at the same time, he didn’t really care. She expected him to be fine with some woman beating her, even if it was in training? If he came back to her covered in bruises, Savitri would’ve been furious, and probably nasty to the source. He knew that to be true, so her anger was worth it. That and he really was tired of dancing around trying to avoid making her angry when he did so by accident so often. At least if he did something to deserve it, he’d be satisfied with the end result. Stress relief at its finest, and Aliscia more than had it coming. She’d practically served herself up on a plate many a time, mentioning things about his and Savitri’s relationship to him as if she had a right to comment. If she wanted to be involved, she would be -- and probably not in a manner she’d like half as much.

Raising an eyebrow, Ka’rys glanced sideways at Savitri and cocked his head to the side. “He’ll probably continue to chase until he catches, so you haven’t much to worry about there. He hasn’t managed to catch a female since Aslath.” His eyes fell down to the feline that was in his lap and he dropped one leg to drape over the side of the bed, accommodating her position. Directly to the animal he spoke, his eyebrow raising slightly, “You’re going to upset Reggie, getting your smell all over his person. He’ll fuss for sure.” Not that Ka’rys minded. Quite the contrary, he had no problem running his fingers over the feline, letting her distract him temporarily from his anger. What he didn’t realize was that his lack of response to Savitri’s explanation about her bruise was probably telling -- but it didn’t matter; nothing she said could change his mind, if she even bothered to try. He’d made a decision and he intended to act on it, for better or, more likely, worse.

[kysseh]

Ka’rys was annoyed with her reference to age, and the glare he shot her elicited a frown of response. She quickly turned her attention down to the little feline cuddled against her chest, trying to hide the look of dismay on her face. Of course he got snippy about his age. But she wasn’t allowed to, was she? Savitri was unsure whether it was female hormones or just stubbornness that made her hate getting older, but the end result was the same. She hated her birthday. With the loss of Virast being still so recent, the mere thought of a birthday had her cringing. No Virast. He had always made a fuss about her birthday. She had hated getting older, but the affection her brother offered forth had made it something to look forward to, even as she grumbled about it. No Virast this Turn. She thought it prudent to bring out the Blossom wine (safe; she had tested it) that had been waiting for her for a few sevendays. Yes. Today was a good day to pull it out.

At least the hint of affection in his tone took the sting out of his expression. Savitri watched him stroke Fish, aware of the fact that he was not pressing the issue of her eye. Not good. Not good. He always got touchy on the subject of her health, and the fact that he made such an issue out of the eye to start with meant that he was upset about it. Why wasn’t he interrogating her? “With the amount that I worry, I’ll be gray by twenty-five,” she muttered, though not necessarily to him. Instead, she inched closer to her bronzerider, unashamed that she had used Ciceroth’s enthusiasm to snag his rider into bed. Poor bronze. She did feel sorry for him. Going without was hard enough on females, she knew. Males had to have it that much harder, even dragons.

Hepaticath seemed to sense the direction of Savitri’s thoughts, for the gold twitched and snorted in her sleep, curling up tighter on her couch. Savitri ignored the dragon’s rustling, mostly because she was more concerned with Fish getting out of her territory. Yes, Ka’rys’s lap was her territory, and she used her free hand to lift up the shameless silvery feline to take over that spot, ignoring the mrow of protest the little furry thing emitted. The feline now evicted, Savitri scooted into the available space… what little of it there was. He needed to learn how to sit away from the edge of the bed.

“Reggie will survive,” she said simply, placing Fish down in her own lap and stroking the feline in apology. Other than looking disgruntled, the feline was quiet again, sulking in silence as Savitri continued to pay attention to her. Or… some attention, as it was. Savitri was more interested in pressing in close to Ka’rys’s body, tipping her chin up to let her lips brush over his cheek. “I really missed you,” she said quietly, her tone bordering on the edge of guilty. It was her fault they hadn’t talked. “Are you all right?” Her eyes suddenly widened, gaze flicking over his legs as if to seek the answer to her own question. “Your ankle is fine, isn’t it?”

Her cheeks reddened in shame and a bit of embarrassment at that thought. How could she have not thought of that?!

[glamourie]

“Should work on that, then. Fairly sure that wigs are expensive to hide that sort of thing,” Ka’rys countered smoothly as his fingers moved over the line of Fish’s back. His touch was very gentle, and undeniably affectionate. Fingers brushing over back fur, from the top of the animal’s head down to the tip of her tail all in gentle strokes. His head remained bowed, and it was very obvious that Ka’rys was paying careful attention to the feline herself and not Savitri, at least not outwardly. Looking at her face made him want to twitch in rage, and he was trying his best to be good (at least on the outside). His mind was racing though, with different trains of thought, none of which he thought were all that good. Only the soft fur under his fingers kept him quiet. Felines were such therapeutic company, the way they purred, the texture of their fur, the light weight of paws on flesh ---

Stolen feline. Not good. Ka’rys frowned at where the feline was, immediately missing her weight. Though she was quickly replaced by Savitri herself, so he couldn’t really complain. He leaned his head forward immediately and rested his forehead against her shoulder. Both of his arms moved up to wrap around her waist, firm enough to hold her in place. “My ankle is fine,” he replied softly as his lips brushed her shoulder, skin on skin. He didn’t reply to her statement of missing him, though it did cause him to tense slightly. Several different trains of introspect ran through his mind and he processed how to deal with them all at once. He had a lot of things he wanted to say, and it seemed a bad time to bring them up. Was there any better, though? There was a reason he’d been avoiding Savitri for so long. He was fairly sure when he saw her again they’d have a magnificent fight, because his patience with her of late was almost gone. He sighed.

“Did you?” It wasn’t exactly the nicest thing to ask. She was being obviously affectionate, so she clearly did want him around, but -- “Then why do you try your absolute best to push me away? Why is it when I try to offer you an olive branch, when you very clearly need it, you feel the need to not offer one in return?” She wasn’t going to understand him. He just knew it. She’d be confused, baffled. His fingers laced together behind her back to prevent her from recoiling. No running away.

“I’m tired, Savitri. I’m tired of the fact that S’rei understands me and trusts me more than you do, S’rei who has every reason to hate me, every reason to think terrible of me; I don’t explain anything to him, and yet he trusts me not to - to do something - he didn’t have to ask if the poisonings had anything to do with me. You, on the other hand, want me to explain every single detail out to you, and even then you recoil. I haven’t come around you for awhile because it’s exceedingly depressing to hear that I don’t owe any explanations to someone I once wished dead, yet the woman I’m actively seeing, and trying my best to trust, demands them because she doesn’t trust me otherwise.”

All right. Maybe it was mean to launch all of that at her at once. Undoubtedly his timing was bad - but what was he supposed to do, wait for a good opportunity to state, “Hey, Savitri, I’m angry with you!”? Because it almost certainly wasn’t going to come. Ka’rys wasn’t entirely a fool. He wanted, more than anything, to just avoid the issue entirely. There was a reason he’d actually avoided her. If she wanted to be around him, though, they had to fix things - and that meant, at least on some level, talking about them. He was sure she wouldn’t like him bringing it up after something so… intimate, but at the same time, it would’ve been a lie to pretend to be happy, or at least calm. She wasn’t completely blind, she had to have noticed how tense he was since waking up. The last time they’d spoken, it degenerated into a fight, and he knew he was initiating one… but better to do it by being honest, than wait for them to misunderstand or for something truly hurtful to come up. Right?

His arms remained securely around her waist, and his forehead remained on her shoulder. No eye-to-eye contact. That would probably bug her. For the moment, he didn’t care. He didn’t want her recoiling, and he didn’t want her to see the hurt in his eyes. It was hard enough to bring it up. “I don’t talk about my past. I hate talking about it, I always have. There are people here at Selenitas who have known me most of my life, like E’yan, who know less than you do. The one time I tried, you had to ask if you could even trust me. I don’t know what you’re thinking, and I’m not sure I want to know, but it is stupid that you had to ask. That I told you at all was your answer, and I’ve been mad at you ever since. You always fuss at me to tell you things. Well, I’m telling you things. And I’m not letting you go until you listen, tell me you understand, and tell me what we’re going to do to fix this. Are we clear on that?”

[kysseh]

“Perfectly clear.”

Savitri’s voice sounded muffled, even to hear own ears. Given that her face was essentially buried in the junction of Ka’rys’s neck and shoulder, that should hardly have been surprising. The goldrider had been initially pleased when he wrapped his arms firmly about her waist, though she wished he had not refused to look at her face. Was it… that bad, the bruise? Noticeable, certainly, but she doubted her eye socket looked about to die and fall away from the rest of her skull.

Still, she had draped her arms loosely around his shoulders, letting her fingers play lightly over the scars on his upper back and squirming as his lips moved over on her shoulder. The good mood had been abruptly ruined by his tension, and as soon as his mouth had opened with the first question, her face had pressed itself against his neck, ignoring the hair that tickled at her cheek. She was hiding, shameful as it was… hiding and listening in guilty silence, to be quite accurate. Fish, annoyed that the attention had shifted away from her, had leapt gracefully off the bed to go sleep by Hepaticath, but Vira remained, kneading tiny black and orange paws on the goldrider’s thigh and purring as loudly as her little body could tolerate.

That tiny bit of affection was not soothing. Since she had answered his seemingly partially-rhetorical question, the goldrider had been silent, shoulders hunched in an defensive posture that she assumed more by instinct than anything else. This was inevitable, this conversation. She had drugged him to sleep the last time (unintentionally, but still), and little had been resolved. Still, it hurt abominably that he spoke of her in a such a dismissive fashion, as if she had made no effort. She had. She knew it. Of course she had!

That made her angry enough, wounded enough to want to flee, though her pride and affection for him kept her in place. Well, that… and the interlaced fingers at her back were quite strong, she knew. “I wasn’t prepared for it when you said it. I didn’t want to hear it or entertain the thought that you might’ve been involved. I’m afraid. I have been since Shmee died, and it’s only gotten worse. I know I overreacted. It was out of fear. Not an excuse. Explanation,” she said quietly, hunching her shoulders further. “I’m sorry for that. I know you were making an effort. Now I can understand that, and I’m grateful for it.”

She belatedly realized the tears were building and fought to keep them back, tightening her arms around his shoulders. “I’m trying to trust you. I’m trying, but I can’t read minds, Ka’rys, and I’m sure you don’t want me reading yours. But… I never know where I stand with you, honestly. I came to find you… to try to make peace.” She pulled back and inclined her head to look at him, fingers still pressed gently against the marks on his back. “I’ve been… selfish lately. I’m sorry for that, and I want to make it right. That’s why… waking you up.” The thought of that venture had her blushing, and she turned her face away to hide it. “… didn’t quite work, I suppose, but that’s… I was trying to do something for you.”

[glamourie]

“What would you have liked me to do?” Ka’rys countered, no small amount of poison in those words; he was rearing for a fight, half because it was therapeutic, and half because he felt that he needed to prove he would defend himself. So often of late had he backed down from arguments that he was starting to feel… disgustingly meek; it wasn’t in his nature to behave as such. The disagreement was therapeutic, too, because it helped him vent some of the anger that was stewing for… a very long time. Too long. He should’ve said something sooner. At least he was being mostly calm. Minus the tone. She’d have taken the words badly anyway though, and he didn’t feel like trying to shield her from his frustration. “You baffle me, woman. You want me to tell you things. I try. You can’t accept my level; it’s always all or nothing. For awhile, you were so good about it - letting me tell you things at my own pace. Then it’s back to trying to pry me open.” He sighed, his eyes falling closed as he nuzzled gently against her neck. Even in anger he was being physically affectionate. That may have seemed odd, but it was his own way of trying to comfort. He knew she wasn’t happy; there was no way to address the issue and end with them both perfectly content. Eventually, one of them was going to have to take an emotional hit. He’d already taken his, when he confided her in the first place. It was her turn.

Lifting his head, Ka’rys leaned over to whisper directly against her ear. The physical proximity was as much to keep her from escaping as for intimacy; what they were discussing was very, very private, even if it was in a private room. “You can’t use the ‘I wasn’t ready to hear it’ excuse, Savitri. You’ve been on my case to find out what those skins you saw were about. You dropped it, but I know you wondered. More over, you asked me to -- you basically asked to elevate our relationship into exactly that: a relationship. What did you expect from me? To keep you deluded, to keep lying to you? I’m not stupid. I may not be good with people, but I know a working relationship isn’t founded on lies and secrets.” Frowning, Ka’rys leaned his head against hers and exhaled, again, to clear his head. Wonderfully cathartic, venting was, though he was sure right about then Savitri was thinking something entirely different in regards to their conversation. He couldn’t even blame her.

It wasn’t that he was trying to upset her. He wasn’t. He accepted it as a given, but his ultimate goal was a lot more wide-spread than petty hurt. Ka’rys wanted things to work. He did. For reasons even he couldn’t fathom at times, he liked Savitri. Genuinely cared about her. She was someone important in his life and though she enraged him at times, he didn’t want to let her go. She’d asked him to… come over more often, as she’d put it, and while it wouldn’t have been the first time they’d been intimate (heh), it was still a major step considering flightlust could not be blamed anymore. It was a very major step, and Ka’rys didn’t take relationships lightly. If they were going to try, he really did intend to try. That meant telling her the Big Bad Secret even though he’d dreaded it; to not do so would be to lie and lead her on, and when she found out she’d probably have a terrible reaction. Best she find out from him before going in any further, and he wasn’t about to mince words and pretend that her request had nothing to do with it. She was ready enough to ask for him to be with her for real, that meant she was ready enough for the baggage… and if she wasn’t, then that was that.

“Being afraid is the only sensible reaction. You’re afraid. Yes. So am I. So is everyone else.” Admitting he was afraid wasn’t actually hard, mainly because it was a realistic reaction. “You did over-react, not by being afraid, but because you had to ask me if I was responsible. Don’t you understand what’s so offensive about that? You’ve known me for over a Turn, you know more about me than most people. Even if you didn’t know all my secrets, I would think you’d have enough faith in me to know without ever having to ask, that I would never put you or those you love in harm’s way.” Pausing, Ka’rys turned so that his head rested on her shoulder, keeping his face entirely masked from view. “I trusted you enough to tell you something that could get me killed, or worse… it’s the same level of trust. You should’ve known, and if you don’t trust me enough that you still have to ask, we have a very major problem. You can argue fear all you like, Savitri, but the fact remains that afraid or not… you doubted me, when it was probably the one time I needed you not to. Because I needed to believe you believed in me.”

And no matter what she said, the fact of the matter was, she didn’t believe in him. Not immediately. It took some time to come to the conclusion. He’d told her immediately, when she implied she wanted something more. It stung more than he liked to admit. Ka’rys frowned and traced circular patterns on Savitri’s back as she spoke, then sighed. “No. I don’t expect you to read my mind. But you know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t tell you something as major as my past - who my family was - without a very good reason. If I was responsible, I wouldn’t have told you. That’s like saying ‘Hi, I killed your brother, still want to be with me?’ -- it’s stupid. Illogical. I’m not stupid.” Did he sound like a petulant child? A little. He couldn’t help it though. It felt as though Savitri was insulting his intelligence, however unintentionally, and he knew he wasn’t stupid. He knew that.

The last part of her statement made him blink twice. Then he raised an eyebrow and propped his chin up on her shoulder. “You did wake me up. I was still half under flightlust, though.” A very slight, sheepish smile crept over his face. “Future reference. You might want to, um… stop… before -- after, I’m generally useless…” He hoped she got the picture, because detailing that was awkward. “Not the time to have this conversation, though. Stop trying to distract me…”

[kysseh]

The tone of his words made Savitri want to flinch away, and she repressed that urge, if only just. Every word that came out of his mouth had her wanting to cringe in guilt or shame or some horrible combination of the two. The fact that he was being physically affectionate surprised her. He was no longer simply holding her in place but… touching her. She rested her forehead against his shoulder and willed the stubborn tears from her eyes, ignoring the tousled locks of hair that brushed her cheeks. She had forgotten how mussed these activities could make a person. She was focused enough on not making a fool of herself by being an emotional sobbing female that the breath on her ear surprised her, her body visibly twitching in surprise at the close physical proximity.

He was right… on most counts, of course. Of course. A relationship founded on secrets and lies was not one that could survive. She had previously hoped that their closeness would inspire trust in her, that eventually they could share that secret he kept locked in a box in his weyr. She let him rest his head against hers, tightening her arms around his shoulders but otherwise not moving, remaining silent as her mind turned things over. She had overreacted, despite the fact that he opened himself to her. She was ashamed of it, but apologizing got her nowhere. She had apologized. Fix it… fix it, yes. That’s what was required.

Her back unconsciously arched into his touch, and she exhaled softly, wishing she could tell him that she had not asked him if he was responsible. She had come to the conclusion before the statement emerged from her mouth, but saying that didn’t seem like a productive way of proceeding. It had come out sounding more like an accusation than she wanted, apparently, but… she couldn’t fix that now. Instead, she just smiled against his shoulder at his words, though the smile was tremulous at best. So she had successfully awakened him, which provided a much-needed boost to her confidence and a mental note. Stop before… just… before. Good. She could do that.

The young woman let silence reign for a few moments, swallowing thickly and forcing her tears and her guilt under control. “I wasn’t… when I asked about the poisonings, it wasn’t meant to come out as a question. I knew,” she said finally, her voice very quiet. If he didn’t hear her, it didn’t matter. It made her feel better. After another moment, she lifted her head to face him, satisfied that she was not going to whimper and sob like a little girl. She inhaled deeply and then opened her eyes, ignoring the fact that they sparkled with unshed tears. Minor detail.

“I know… that I didn’t display the greatest amount of trust in you then. Believe me when I say that if I thought for one moment that you were any real threat to me, I’d have left right then. The fact that I’m here… I let you sleep with me under flightlust. I’m sitting here in your lap… minus clothing… letting you touch me… I’ve never trusted anyone more than I trust you, save perhaps for Cath,” she said quietly, her arms slipping from his back to his biceps, one of her lightly tanned hands on each. Her tone lacked accusation. Guilt was present, but quiet resolve was the predominate emotion. Her eyes focused intently on his face, searching as if some kind of understanding could be found there. “I want to be able to communicate that to you so that you’ll believe me-“

Anything else Savitri intended to say was disrupted by a gasp of dismay from the goldrider as the little ball of fluff in her lap decided to act. After kneading at the goldrider’s thigh for awhile had failed to elicit much attention, Vira had become bored enough to seek another mode of entertainment. The source of her entertainment was within reach in the bronzerider’s lap and sufficiently dangly enough that the little feline felt the need to pounce it. She had stalked along Savitri’s leg and then pounced with kittenish clumsiness, slamming into her target. Before the claws could come out or the kitten could offer up a playful gnaw, Savitri had released Ka’rys with both hands and snatched up the little furball, eliciting a squeaky whisper of a protesting yowl from the kitten. Her toy!

“Not yours. Mine,” Savitri tartly informed the little kitten, using one hand to cradle the now-sulky ball of orange and black fur against her chest. The young woman’s gaze turned anxiously to the ‘toy’ in question and then up toward the bronzerider’s face. “She didn’t…. claw you or anything, did she?” The little kitten was squirming in her grasp, and Savitri absently shushed the little beast to calm her. Instead, Vira went limp in the goldrider’s hand and gave the woman a reproachful look. She took away the toy!

[glamourie]

It was very difficult for him not to get mad. Mainly because Ka’rys had a lot of stored up frustration, and Savitri, though she was trying, wasn’t doing very well at preventing more from forming. Bringing up that she hunted him down in flight lust didn’t impress him much, either. Ka’rys sighed and brought one hand up from her back to curl in the hair at the base of her neck. It was so hard not to yell at her. She had no idea how… outlandish that statement was. What did that have to do with sex? He wanted to point out that her seeking him out was more of an implication of lack of trust than anything else. In flight lust, he couldn’t hurt her, guaranteed, but it also kept him from another woman’s bed. He didn’t point that out to her because he knew it would just upset Savitri, and he didn’t really believe that was her motives. He simply couldn’t fathom why physical love was so important to her. Weyr-raised, if not bred, as he was, Ka’rys didn’t really put much in the physical aspect of a relationship. He just didn’t. He enjoyed it as much as anyone, but… being a dragon rider meant that he’d been with plenty of people in his life, most of whom he didn’t trust. Flight lust did silly things. Most of them didn’t trust him either. How it was an indication of anything puzzled him.

“Savitri,” he began, trying to infuse some patience into his voice. He did not know how well it worked. “Where are you getting the impression that the physical aspect of a relationship is where you display trust? You’re a dragon rider. More over, you’re a queen rider. You’re going to be with more than a handful of men in your life. Hepaticath is a large queen, and more over, she’s a pleasant one. She’ll have many, many chasers, and I don’t imagine she’s going to simply always pick Ciceroth. Most dragons are not monogamous. In flight lust you’ll go to some other man, willingly, eagerly, eventually.” Though some might have been jealous, Ka’rys really wasn’t. “I know you’re hold bred, but you need to understand sooner rather than later, not to put stock in using physical intimacy as a sign of trust. It can be very easily twisted to mean the opposite, but more importantly, by using it that way, you’re going to end up another Shmee. Selenitas doesn’t need a second one of her, and if you recall right, I didn’t exactly like the first.”

He probably owed her an explanation of what he meant by that, but for the moment, Ka’rys was quiet. He deliberately gave her a few minutes to process what he’d said. Only after that brief pause did he speak, and it was soft. “I’m fairly certain that the fact that she didn’t know me and that I wasn’t S’rei was why she hated me as much as she did. Do you understand? You have to learn to accept that most physical intimacy is simply an act of need. It - it can be more, but you shouldn’t use it by the way to measure your trust in someone. Trust is more than going to bed together, it’s more than a roll in the furs. Much, much more. There’s -- I’m sorry; you may have been led to believe differently, but if you honestly think everyone in life that you’re going to sleep with is someone you can trust, you need that notion out of your head immediately. You also need to recognize that if you want to get anywhere with me, sex is not the way to do it; if I wanted someone for physical gratification, I wouldn’t bother telling them what I’ve told you.” It actually was insulting that she seemed to fixate so much on it… unless that was all she wanted. He was tempted to ask, but refrained. Ka’rys wasn’t stupid. She’d just cry on him if he implied that was all she was after, and they’d accomplish nothing.

As for the rest of what she said, he supposed she did have something of a point. For that reason, Ka’rys chose not to try and debate. It was something of a display of trust that she hadn’t completely fled from him in terror. Not the kind he wanted, but he recognized it as an effort on her part. There just… It was painful, almost, to be so honest. Ka’rys wasn’t outspoken. He didn’t tell people anything. It was so strange to be coming right out and saying things, rather than trusting her to deduce. But -- Savitri was young, painfully so. Ka’rys was far from particularly well-versed in relationships, but she made him feel as though he was so very old, as if he’d seen all there was to see. Part of him was tired by the very idea. She didn’t mean to, but… for a woman, she seemed to have such a poor grasp of how relationships worked, in many ways. Trust was more than the physical, yes, much more. It was a two-way path comprised of working, and part of Ka’rys wondered if she really was up to it. She continually implied she wanted to be serious, but… were they not communicating properly? So hard to say.

“If you trust me, why do you --”

Whatever else he was doing to say was prevented by a feline launching at him. A very bright blush flew over his face as he jerked back from Savitri, almost completely sprawled over the bed in his attempts to get away from the animal. A slight scowl showed on his face, making his displeasure very, very obvious. “Bad feline,” he hissed, not at all pleased. Savitri’s question made him look up at her, an eyebrow raising. “If she had, I’d be a lot more upset. Baaaad feline.” He eyed the animal skeptically, then sniffed. Even though he was sure that Savitri wouldn’t appreciate it, he quite wisely freed himself from underneath her and moved to sit with his knees up against his chest again. Defensive posture. Not caused by her.

“What I was saying before she so rudely interrupted -” He shot the feline cub another reproachful look, “- is… if you trust me, why do you shut me out any time anything goes wrong? You don’t say anything until months later. You clamp down, you push me away. You - do you even realize it? You’re so bad about it, you get upset and don’t let anyone help you. Not just me. You do it to Hepaticath as well. It’s like you think you’re too good to accept help. Do you understand…? Your brother -- after that, if you trusted me at all, you’d have come to me. I know I am bad at comfort, but I would’ve tried. Instead, you’d much rather sit and wallow in misery for three months or so.” He paused, then looked down toward his feet. “You didn’t even trust me to tell me how much it bothered you, you just instead starve yourself and show the whole Weyr, and I try to tell you not to do that, and you got mad at me. It doesn’t make any sense. If I ever behaved as you have these past few months, you’d be all over me. By Faranth, if I go even half a day without eating, you cram food down my throat, no matter how I feel…”

[kysseh]

Sitting and letting him finish was one of the hardest things Savitri had done thus far in the short time she had been awake, largely because she was completely disgusted at the mere thought that he thought it was all… physical. Most of her disgust was not aimed at the bronzerider for making such an assumption but at herself, for leading him to that. Not what she meant at all. Even more insulting was the comparison to the late senior weyrwoman, though that was not something she was willing to debate. It simply made her want to growl at him—and herself—for the comparison. She had the presence of mind to sit in silence and bristle, though, even as she held Vira tightly against her chest. The empty space between herself and the bronzerider seemed increasingly wider the longer she sat there and did not close it. His posture didn’t improve her mood a great deal either.

Now that Vira was finished misbehaving and was simply purring her way back into Savitri’s good favor, the goldrider found herself fixated on the kitten in an attempt to keep from looking at the bronzerider. She had been studiously avoiding a discussion of Virast, of Shmee, of the past few months. That was largely because she did not know how to deal with it, and, thus, she had dealt with it rather poorly. It did sting that he thought she had isolated Hepaticath. The gold had been her primary source of comfort and affection, and the queen had never offered complaint. Of course I did not complain. I take care of Mine. came the calm response to that train of thought, and Savitri’s head jerked toward the dragon’s couch.

Sure enough, the lids over the gold’s eyes had been retracted, and the slow whirl of blue was focused on the goldrider in her bed. Savitri was unsure how long the gold had been awake and listening, but she decided not to inquire. Instead, she returned her attention to Ka’rys and her frustration, lifting her chin to regard him evenly. Silence reigned for a moment as she got her upset under control, but it was not to last.

“I didn’t want to shut you out, Rys. I didn’t know how to depend on you without… without being needy and clinging to you. I’m not used to going to others for comfort. I don’t… that’s… it wasn’t what I did growing up. I gave the comfort, and I took care of my own feelings. I rely on Hepaticath some, but… it’s so hard to break twenty… twenty-one…” Ah, yes… she was aging. “… Turns of habit. I wanted to come to you after… Virast, but after acting the way I had because of Shmee… I didn’t feel right asking that of you. I didn’t know how to ask it of you either. I did try to talk to you a little… before, but I can’t turn my feelings off like that. I can’t just… not think about it.”

The distance between them was getting to be too much, and Savitri carefully leaned over the side of the bed and set Vira on the ground. The little feline let out a squeaky meow of protest and then stalked off, tail held high, highly offended by being ignored. Savitri, instead, scooted closer to Ka’rys, one hand carefully reaching out to touch his arm. “I’m terrible with words, Rys. I’m sure you’ve noticed that. I’ve just… I’ve always used affection to convey feelings. It’s not about the sex. I know I’m going to end up in bed with Faranth-knows how many men until the day Hepaticath and I are gone. I accepted that when I decided to Stand… and especially after I Impressed and Shmee made it quite clear what was to be expected of me.”

Her tones were tinged with bitterness, but she tried to temper it. She had never been overly fond of Shmee or the lessons… or the more experienced goldrider’s attitude… but that did not make her any more likely to speak ill of the dead. “I know what happens with flightlust. I know that, but this wasn’t about flightlust. For you, yes, but not for me. I chose to come to you. No, I don’t think that sleeping with you is going to make everything better, by any means. But I thought… maybe making the effort to… never mind.”

Savitri threw her hands up in pure frustration, giving a humorless chuckle. “I was going to say… prove that I trust you, but apparently, that’s worthless. Maybe… maybe choosing to be with someone outside of flightlust is meaningless to you, but it’s not for me. It’s not Hepaticath’s emotions making me do things, and it’s not just… need. I want to be around you, and I’ve run out of ways to do that now. What do I have left, Rys?” Her hands came up to rub her face, the hand on the bruised side of her face quickly moving away to avoid aggravating the already-sore eye socket. Her tone and gestures betrayed her frustration, and though Hepaticath's silent presence was soothing, it was thoroughly unhelpful.

[glamourie]

“Savitri, shut up.” Okay. He was barking at her, he knew it, but he couldn’t stop himself. Everything he said was turning into a point-counter point argument, and Ka’rys was not fond of arguing. He found it a waste of his time and energy. Whether it was simply that she was trying to explain, or genuinely trying to argue, he couldn’t say, and Ka’rys wasn’t sure it mattered. It sounded like arguing to him. “I don’t - explanations and defenses don’t fix problems. You and I can go around and around until we both turn blue and it won’t change either of our points. I’m not asking you to explain, to defend and justify yourself. I’m not asking for a long, drawn-out explanation of your motives, your reasons, or why you felt the way you did. Your explanations don’t change a thing, and defending yourself is pointless.” He was sure that Savitri would not like that statement, but it was true nonetheless. The more she defended herself, the worse it looked to him. Ka’rys didn’t want her defenses, he wasn’t saying she was wrong; he was trying to make her understand why he felt the way he did. The more she argued back, the less inclined to try he was as well. Ka’rys was not a creature of very much patience.

Turning his head to regard Savitri seriously, Ka’rys raised an eyebrow. Where in Faranth’s name were his clothes? Talking while undressed was not functional. It was… personal. He wanted more distance even if it was in his head. “The fact of the matter is that you’re not behaving like you trust me. You want to say you do, you think I should see that, but the times when it matters, when it counted, you push me away. The times when you should have come to me, you spurned me like I wasn’t good enough to help. You can have a million wonderfully justified reasons for it and that doesn’t change the simple fact that in the end, you didn’t trust me enough to come to me. Your ‘I didn’t think I deserved to come to you’ excuse is just proof of that. That you even thought for one second anything you could do would make me reject you emphasizes my point.” Dark brown eyes scoured the floor for any sign of his pants when a hand on his arm made him jump and turn back to look at Savitri. He squinted, then snorted. “Not how you were raised. Yes, because I had such a loving childhood, where everyone wanted to listen to my every concern and comfort me.” Sarcasm wasn’t fair, but shard it, she knew more than most people! She shouldn’t have needed reminding. “If I can come to you when I’m upset, and let you try to comfort me, despite how I grew up and thirty turns of not doing so, I think you can break your habits, gold rider, so please don’t try that excuse again.”

Had he ever come to her when he needed comfort? Not exactly. He’d let her try, though. He really had. In the infirmary, when he’d sought her out despite his own desire to recluse away and hide. He’d come to her. Ka’rys wasn’t a considerate sort. That he’d tried spoke volumes, he thought, and he’d tried again his weyr. He was trying then. She was just being too much of a… too defensive. Too eager to explain herself and her feelings, what she really meant. It was almost offensive. Whether she meant it or not didn’t change the fact. No one ever meant to cause harm, but it happened just the same. There was no point analyzing and trying to figure out the nature of where that feeling came from. Feelings were just feelings, they appeared, they were dealt with and then they moved on. No need for explanations. He didn’t want explanations. He didn’t!

“Let me put this in a way I think you can understand better,” he said as he turned to half-face her again. He was relieved to find the furred devil gone. “You want me to trust you. Fine. I think it’s obvious I’m trying. I expect equal trying in return. I don’t feel you’ve given me that, because if you trusted me, you’d let me help you - or try, I admit I’m not so good at it - when you’re upset. Instead you’d rather clamp down and wallow in misery, behavior that if I did the same thing, you’d be all over my backside and pushing me to the brink of sanity for such audacity. You know it. I know it. I’ve told you before, I’ll say it again, don’t expect me to do for you something you’re unwilling to do for me. You want me to trust you, you have to be willing to show me that you trust me.” That meant more than just saying the words. Actions spoke louder. He thought he was doing an okay job of proving that on his part.

Taking a deep breath, Ka’rys rubbed his temples. Ciceroth was no help. The bronze was disturbing quiet. Figured. “… And you seem to put such fixation on the physical as a way of showing trust. Maybe it does mean so much to you… but it doesn’t me, and I think it would be healthier for you if it didn’t where you’re concerned. Regardless of how you spin it, though, the fact is: I’m tired of feeling like, of late, all you care about is wallowing in your own misery and self-destruction. And you are wallowing. I understand the need to mourn. I told you about my sister to make sure you knew I understood. But it has been three months, Savitri, and you’ve been wallowing the better part of it. You lost your brother. I get that. I understand that. Stop pushing away the people trying to help you get past it. You’re insulting them and his memory in the process. Tell me, what would he think about how you’ve been acting? You knew him better, you can answer for sure: Would he like that his sister looks like a waif, with a nice, blackened eye, barely eats and looks as if she’s going to waste away any second as a result? I’m curious to know.”

[kysseh]

Ka’rys’s barked order had her flinching away, hand withdrawing to hug her knees to her chest. Savitri could tolerate being snapped and yelled at, but the fact that he was ignoring her efforts in favor of just trying to browbeat her was not putting her in the best sort of mood. He kept lecturing her. Lecturing, lecturing, lecturing… was he even listening?! No. And he wondered why she didn’t come to him when she needed to be held. He insisted on talking about things endlessly. He accused her of endless explanations and defenses, and he was no better, a fact which made her fume at having to bite her tongue and listen to him continue to lecture her endlessly.

Arguing back at him was scarcely going to be helpful, but Savitri was fast-approaching the point of not caring. When he brought her brother into it, she stiffened and scooted past him toward the headboard. One of her hands snagged a fur to wrap around herself, and the other snagged one of her pillows--the one she had not yet given him back, coincidentally--to hold against her chest. Bringing Virast into it was low… very low. Somehow, it shouldn’t have surprised her that Ka’rys would fight that way. Shard his orders. She was going to talk however and whenever she wanted.

“I’m getting over it on my terms, thank you. Since you haven’t been around and have no idea, I’m eating fine. I sleep next to Hepaticath, and she listens to me… and I can cry on her without feeling as though I’m being a burden because she’s so far into my head that I can’t escape her. You wonder why I don’t come to you for comfort, and this is why,” she said stiffly, holding the pillow and fur tighter as if burying herself in them would make it hurt less. She was far from perfect at managing relationships; she admitted that. She did not like that he laid the blame at her feet for it all, though. Could he even hear himself?!

With a sigh, the young woman pulled the pillow further up her chest and rested her chin on it. She was hunched beneath the fur, obviously defensive and unwilling to come out. It was some pitiful, childish attempt at safety, but she felt better arguing when clothed for some ridiculous reason. It could have been attributed to the rather emotional content of their discussion. “I know… I’m not perfect at this, Rys. I’m not even good at it, but I am trying. I know explanations won’t fix it, but the fact that you’re not even listening to me or acknowledging the fact that I’m trying isn’t going to fix things either. I’m sorry that I can’t… communicate this in whatever way you’re after… since I don’t know what you want. I am trying to show that I trust you, Rys. I really am, and I feel like you’re blocking me at every turn.”

She gave a rough laugh, shaking her head and turning her face aside to avoid meeting his eyes. “As to your question… Virast would have-“ She had to swallow to force the tears aside. No crying allowed. “-sat next to me and leaned on my shoulder if he saw me upset or injured. He was horrible at comforting, but he would just… cling to me until he thought I was better or happy. He used to bring me flowers… shells… anything pretty that caught his eye.” Simply thinking of the seemingly-oblivious boy made her miss him even more. Virast had a gift for cheering her up, bringing her useless little pretty things. “I miss him.”

That was simply asking for him to make a comment about dishonoring the boy’s memory. Low, that was. Shards, but she hated being at odds with Ka’rys this way. “Ka’rys… I’m sorry that I’m… horrible at this. I didn’t want to make you think I distrust you; I really do trust you. I’ll try to make that more obvious in the future. But… to be honest… this kind of thing really isn’t encouraging.” In fact, Hepaticath’s couch, hard as it was, was looking more and more comfortable by the moment, despite the gold’s silence. Sharding beast. She could have used the help.

[glamourie]

Of course. Of course, it was all his fault, he was to blame, she was the victim, he was just a terrible person. Ka’rys brought one hand up to his face, rubbed his temples, and then literally rolled off the bed. It didn’t take much effort once he actually looked to find his clothes, and he yanked them all on while Savitri spoke. Half of it was an excuse to avoid looking at her (so she didn’t see that she was making it worse) but mostly, he was just getting ready to leave. Maybe it was cruel, or more than a little unfair, but all he felt as Savitri spoke on was exasperated… and exhaustion. He felt as if he could curl into a little ball and never come out again. Even his hurt ankle paled in comparison to the fatigue quickly washing away all other thoughts. For better or worse, Savitri’s words pushed him away even more. Not because of what she said -- but that she had to say it. Though, at least outwardly, he was polite enough to let her finish speaking. It didn’t really change anything, though. She could apologize -- but the apology was just words. That she had to always have the last word, always argue with everything he said, always had to be right, spoke volumes, and Ka’rys wondered briefly why he’d ever thought it would work. He and gold riders were naturally incompatible. He didn’t back down well.

Because what he wanted wasn’t for her to sit and justify herself. Justifying it made her apology worthless, it was her saying he was wrong to ever be upset. She could call it explanations all she wanted -- but it was justifications, and he was sick and tired of always being the one who was wrong. He was sick of her basically always telling him that her way was right and he should change. Part of him felt like he was just some kind of repair project in her eyes, and it stung more than words could describe to think that all he meant to her was something to ‘fix.’ He didn’t see himself as needing fixing - but everything she said, everything Savitri did, implied she thought that he was… unsatisfactory, as he was. It made him want to curl into a tiny ball and not come out for awhile. There was a reason he didn’t try relationships before her - he just couldn’t measure up. He hated expectations being made of him when they weren’t followed through and women were notoriously bad about that.

His natural instinct was to flee. To run away. To say nothing and walk out. Would it have done any good? No, probably not -- she knew too much and Ka’rys wasn’t sure he trusted Savitri enough to believe she wouldn’t go and tell someone if he hurt her feelings bad enough. That was an unpleasant thought, and he immediately regretted ever saying anything. Not that it was the first time he’d wished he’d kept his mouth shut. They’d have worked just fine if he hadn’t bothered to let himself get emotionally invested. Unfortunately, he didn’t really do anything half-way; it was a fault of his. If he was going to get mixed up with someone, he couldn’t just let it be superficial. He always formed some kind of feelings, even if he only admitted them to himself. He envied the people who could flit from one relationship to another unscathed. He couldn’t.

“You don’t get it, and I don’t think you ever will,” he said without looking at her. It wasn’t a venomous statement, just an off-hand remark. “I’m tired of this. I’m tired of always being the one made wrong. The one time you’re clearly in the wrong, and all I wanted - all I wanted was for you to say you were sorry, and that we could work it out. But you can’t do that. You’ve just got to launch into these huge, long defenses that you claim are nothing more than explanations -- but they’re not, Savitri, they’re ‘You’re wrong’ in a lot more words, and I’m sick and tired of always being wrong with you. I really am.” He wanted to add more, but it seemed almost pointless. She’d just argue with him. Again. Insist he was wrong. Again. It felt pointless to him to bother speaking up - and he decided in that instant he wouldn’t. Obviously Savitri just wanted someone who would agree with her, and even though the thought made him somewhat bitter, he didn’t want to delude her into thinking that he was that sort of person. Actually, he wanted to run away. That would’ve made him feel better, fleeing into the night and never coming back.

[kysseh]

He was leaving.

Savitri was not stupid enough to come to any other conclusion, and she was very still, perfectly so. Her gaze focused on him, his every move, and she felt a weight settle in her stomach at the realization that the argument was as good as over… and not for the good either. He was not dressing to reduce temptation like the last time they had ended up sprawled in her furs. No, he was leaving. Just… leaving. Her initial response was upset, though the more rational portion of her mind was pointing out that the argument was going nowhere. Why not let him leave? They could both cool down and talk rationally about it later.

It wasn’t rational, though, and she feared there would be no second chance to rectify this. He was turning away from her, no longer affectionate or even accepting and unappeased by her every word. In fact, every time she opened her mouth, he got progressively more upset. Did he want her to just meekly cower before him and let him dictate?! He is a bronzerider… a nastier portion of her brain reminded her, and she had to acknowledge the truth of that. Upset as she was, Ka’rys was seemingly the more emotionally charged of the two of them. She wanted to cry. She wanted to crawl onto Hepaticath’s couch and hate the bronzerider for being unwilling to see that she was trying.

His words… his tone… made the weight in her stomach increase and settle, turning into an ache. Did he not hear her apologies, her admittance of wrongdoings? No, all he heard was her explanations. She wanted to argue back at him, to tell him the truth of things as she saw it, but he wasn’t going to listen to them the way she said them. Perhaps it was better if she stayed silent and let him leave, despite the fact that she knew she would regret it. She wanted him to stay with her. She wanted it desperately, and that meant grasping at a any chance to calm him.

“I know it seems… worthless now, but I’m sorry… that I’ve made it seem like I think you’re always wrong, that I overreacted… that I’m making this worse. No, I don’t… understand, but I want to. I want to work through this, and I want you to stay,” she said quietly, quite literally chewing on her tongue and her bottom lip to keep from saying the rest. I don’t think you’re wrong. I value you more than useless, baseless apologies. Please don’t leave me. She wasn’t going to beg like that. Begging was the job of clingy, cloying women who irritated men into not leaving them, and she doubted Rys would appreciate hysterics. It hurt her pride--and oh, yes, her pride was smarting at not continuing the argument--to not defend herself. Ka’rys, however, was more valuable than her pride, and fighting was fast alienating him, she recognized. She tasted blood on one chew and ignored it, the same way she ignored the tremor in her hands that came from being emotionally overwhelmed. “Please. ”

So much for not begging.