Voices in the Night (Max)

[Rowana]

The Dining Hall was always quiet at night. The weyr didn't have a lot of wherhandlers and the night staff was small. Roivao liked it quiet. It gave him time to be alone with his thoughts. Roisk told him it was unhealthy in his own way, but Roi still preferred it. He'd lost too many friends and it still hurt too much every time. Now Darmori and Ceryl were gone too and it was his fault. He was supposed to protect them. Why was he even here?

Roi sighed and leaned back in his chair. His food was mostly untouched. Too many young people died and old fools like him remained. Maybe he wasn't that old, but he felt it in his heart. Each day was a new struggle of will power and determination. When would it finally end? Maybe he should never have snapped out of his slave mind after Iloth died. Roisk was still with him though, and Tiida and even gloomy Puddleglum. Roi leaned forward again and raised his klah in a toast. "Rest in peace, friends," he murmured.

[Aftershock]

Max sat in the dining hall, poking at his lunch as his mind dwelt on the recent past. They had finally chased off the mysterious creatures, from what he heard from the other handlers after things had finally settled down, but they'd lost Darmori and Ceryl... Darmori while he was strapped to Maximisk, under Max's care. He knew Serissa, the new wherling, had told him the man was already dead when they'd secured him for transport, but she also said there was a possibility he could have been saved, and Max couldn't quite get past feeling like he had some responsibility for the bronzehandler's death... like if he had been just a little faster, he could have been saved.

Maximisk, the poor perfectionist wher that he was, took Darmori's death even harder than Max, and the depression coming from his wher didn't exactly help Max's own mood. Finally, he looked up from his picked-over meal, and noticed Roivao sitting alone at another table, looking even more glum than Max felt. Finally deciding that the Night Watch was going to collapse upon itself if so many of it's members let their recent losses crush all morale, he stood up, bringing his own cup of klah with him as he slipped into the seat opposite Roivao quietly, lifting his cup up as Roi made his toast and replying, "Here, here."

[Rowana]

Roivao was a little surprised to have company. He was used to people just leaving him alone, except maybe Sel'n and Piden. He didn't know Maximillian well, but he'd done well the other night. He'd tried his best to get Darmori back, even under the circumstances. Roi nodded to the other man, offering a small smile. He took a long sip of klah and breathed out slowly. "I'm probably not the best company," he admitted wryly. "But thanks. Let's hope we don't lose anyone else." It was a vain hope, and he knew it. The world was a dangerous place.

[Aftershock]

Max returned Roivao's smile with a wry smile of his own, and took a sip of his own klah before settling back in his chair a bit and replying, "I'm not in the best mood myself, I'll be honest. I can't help but feel responsible a bit for losing Darmori while he was under my care." Sighing and scratching his nose, he continued, "Maximisk feels responsible as well, of course. Poor thing is taking it harder than me, I think. He always feels fully responsible for everything, of course."

He sat with Roivao in silence for a few minutes, simply sipping his klah and staring at a spot on the ceiling, when finally he put down his cup and leaned forward in his chair, placing his hands flat against the table and catching Roivao's eyes with his own. "Seeing you here, and knowing how I've been feeling since the attack, I think something needs to be done," he started, all gaiety lost from his voice and expression. "Whatever those things were, we chased them off, but they can come back, and if we all sit here dwelling on our failures and falling into depression, there's no way we'll be ready if, or when, they return. Not to mention that we have a new wherling class... what kind of an example are we setting when we let a loss like this affect us all this badly?"

Sitting back again, he rubbed his palm over his face for a moment, trying to calm himself a little. He sat for a moment, then continued, "I'm not saying we can't mourn our losses. It just feels as if we're letting what happened ruin the morale of the Night Watch, and it's making us all weaker for it. Something has to be done, or else we leave the whole Weyr vulnerable."

[Rowana]

Roivao shook his head at Max's confession. "You shouldn't feel that way. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine. I sent them out there." He gazed off into the distance for a moment. Maybe if he'd gone himself things would be different. Well, at least he would be the dead one, he thought darkly. Better the old go than the young.

He sighed. "You're probably right. Maybe we'd do better if you were in charge." It wasn't a joke. Roi often wondered who had thought it was a good idea to put him in charge of anything. Roisk was a natural leader, but not him. He knew why, though it was hard to speak it. He couldn't deal with loss anymore. Every one felt like loosing his dragon all over again. Even the death of little Belle had left him depressed for weeks. "I just don't have it in me anymore."

[Aftershock]

Max shook his head in response, countering Roivao's statement with, "If you hadn'tve sent them out there, those creatures might have gotten into the Weyr, and there could have been a lot more loss of innocent life. I feel like if I could have been a little faster, maybe I could have saved Darmori, but I understand that he went out there knowing the danger, knowing the risk... he died so that others might have lived, and I'm sure his last thoughts were hoping that his sacrifice would keep the Weyr safe... and it did. Darmori's a hero, and thinking he should have been kept back to keep him safe and possibly sacrifice someone else disrespects his memory."

As Roi continued, Max shook his head, saying, "I could not lead the Guard Cadre... I am no fighter, and neither is Maximisk. I pull people out of danger, I don't put myself into it. You did what you could with the information you had... all the GuardWher pairs know what their job is, know the risks. It was an unknown enemy, and the fact that we only lost two shows we did well... it could have been much, much worse."

As Roivao continued, Max finally slammed his mug of klah down, and jumped onto the table, his short legs stomping across it until he reached Roi's position on the opposite side. Grabbing the bronzehandler's collar, he shook the man aggressively with his small, but powerful arms, then slapped him once across the face, hard. "You have got to snap out of it, man! Those... things... are still out there, and who knows what they're doing. You're the most experienced, or else you wouldn't have been made Guard Cadre, and we need that experience to bring us forward. Now is not the time to lose it, or try to put in some inexperienced new handler in your place. If you don't buck up and do what's needed of you, we could lose more than just two wherhandlers... we could lose weyrfolk, riders, CHILDREN. Those things don't care, and they're incredibly dangerous. We HAVE to pull ourselves together... all of us... and make sure we're ready next time. We've seen them, we've fought them... now, we need to prepare for them. YOU need to prepare for them." Not releasing Roivao's collar, Max stared directly into Roi's face, his expression hard and unforgiving.

[Rowana]

Roivao blinked very slowly. His stare showed no emotion for a long moment. Then he reached up and pulled Max's hand away and down to the table. "I know," he said. His voice was soft, but hard and firm as rock. "Don't you think I'm aware of that? Do you know what I've experienced? I've seen entire wings burn into the nothing of between. My own dragon was ripped from beneath me as I fell. I've watched men who used to be my friends attack and murder in my home. I've watched countless young men and women die while I linger on as a mere shadow in their wake."

He paused letting the moment lengthen. He rarely spoke so much in one time and he wasn't sure what made him do it. Maybe it was the assumption that he had to know all the answers. He didn't and he never would. Part of him was glad of it, but the other part wished it was true. "I know," he said finally. "And that is what frightens me. I can teach them. I can prepare them. I can fight with them. But in the end, that is all I can do. And it will never be enough. I have to live with that everyday."

Roi stood and moved towards to door. He need a walk and some fresh air. He turned as he left, his expression back to it's normal softness. "I'm sorry I'm not the man you want me to be. I don't think I ever was."

[Aftershock]

Max stared into Roivao's eyes as the man spoke of his past, his aggressive expression softening. He backed up a step from his position standing on the table in front of the bronzehandler, and crossed his arms and nodded as the man spoke. Feeling there was more, Max did not interrupt the long moment of silence, letting Roi finish his thoughts before the man got up from the table and turned to leave the hall.

As Roi said his final words, Max called after him, "This isn't about being the man I want you to be, or even being the man you think you can be. This is about what man the Weyr needs you to be. Just remember that." Hopping down from the table, Max retook his seat, sipping his cooling klah and silently praying that Roivao could be the man the Weyr needed... because if he couldn't, there would be much more tragedy in the future.

{{End of Thread}}