Crisis (Open to All xD)

[Requiem]

A brown dragon had blocked off all access to the Infirmary...

***

Mine!

Kalierre rolled over. Not now, Phremath. She was still just half-awake, trying to catch some sleep between weyrling lessons and the first night shift at the Infirmary.

Mine!

Growling, the woman finally pushed back the furs, her feet striking the cold stone of the barracks she and Phremath couldn't leave due to the green's earthbound status. Phremath was already off her couch and pacing, her eyes a muted orange. Kali stopped, frowning. "Phremath?" Jessereth is hysterical. I can't get through to him. "What?" Can't you feel it? Kalierre deliberately blocked herself off from dragons most of the time, but as soon as she opened herself up, it hit her. Kali staggered for a moment, frantically closing the link in her mind before it could overwhelm her. "Z'hin." I think it must be. Maybe I can help?

Phremath, now large enough to move faster than a human over the ground - raced along the length of the river with Kalierre on her back. They saw Jessereth long before they reached the Infirmary. He was essentially blocking all access in and out, rearing wildly and occasionally striking at the wall itself, as if trying to gain entry. Phremath skidded to a halt, prudently maintaining a small distance from her clutchmate. Jessereth! Come away from there! His head swung toward the green, eyes a blood red. She took a step back, then held her ground. Mine needs to get through. To help Yours. Please.

Kalierre had already dismounted, and was walking steadily toward the Infirmary. Her heart pounded in her chest, but she didn't let the fear show in her stride. The crazed brown shifted, exhaling explosively, but, after a painfully long moment, he stepped aside. Kali burst through the doors, ignoring the small crowd of apprentices who had stopped what they were doing to watch Jessereth's hysterics. The dragonhealer nearly exploded when she found Z'hin surrounded by a few apprentices on her arrival. Where were her journeymen?! She knew there were some on this shift. Were they so daft that they didn't realize the rider was likely in danger if his dragon was freaking out right outside the infirmary?

Kalierre directed a questioning glance at the seniormost of the three who'd responded. "Elevated temperatures. Sporadic pulse. His breathing's too fast, and it sounds like there's fluid in the lungs."

Nodding, she quickly took control. "Isen, find the journeymen on duty. I want them in here. Now. Mira, we're going to need to drain his - " A quick glance at the senior apprentice. "- left -" he supplied. " - lung. I'll need redwort and a scalpel, tubing, needlethorn, and material for the stitches. Get someone to help you with the water. And you should probably bring numbweed, too," she added as an afterthought.

Kalierre was already cutting through the bandages as the senior apprentice continued packing ice around the overheated body. She frowned, then. It didn't make sense. The journeywoman had thought she'd find something indicative of infection. All the symptoms pointed to it. But the wounds were all healing fairly nicely. Unless...Shardit, if a bacterial infection had started inside due to the surgeries, then they were dealing with heavily contaminated blood, probably septic shock...shardit.

"Damn you, Hin." He'd been weakened. She should have known, but it was not altogether unusual for a patient with as severe trauma as his to dip a little after the initial round of internal healing. She'd seen it often. Kalierre could only hope they'd be able to treat the symptoms well enough that Z'hin's body would be left to only fight the infection. And that it would be strong enough to overcome it. Damn him, if he wasn't so strong to begin with, they'd likely have caught this sooner.

[glamourie]

"She's good to go, but... I'd make sure you stay off that leg for awhile, missy," Rawign directly as he knelt in front of a small girl. Her fostermother sat near by. The girl had somehow tore open the entire back of her leg, deep enough to spill blood all down her side, and hysterical, a drudge had come and hauled Rawign away from the Infirmary. He'd spent the last hour stitching up the back of the girl's leg after cleaning it, and the bandages were wound securely. She couldn't have been more than five, and she looked terrified when he arrived. Tears still shimmered in her eyes, but the little girl was doing better since the blood was mostly gone, and she'd been given a proper dosage of painkillers. She'd be just fine once she got off the leg. Very little to no walking. "Make sure you get that cleaned regularly, and stop by the infirmary in a sevenday to have the stitching checked, okay? And try to avoid playing on the jagged rocks by the river, eh? It's dangerous over there, as you've learned. Beggar will stay with you until you're well. Okay?"

Beggar swept over and landed on the small girl's shoulder with a reassuring chirp. She smiled and reached one hand up to pet the firelizard before looking back at Rawign. "Okay. Thank you Rawign," she murmured, and then quickly became distracted by the firelizard, which no doubt was the Healer's intention in directing his blue to stay with her.

Turning back to her fostermother, Rawign nodded. "She'll be fine. You will need to clean it and change the bandages twice a day, minimum. If she seems to be in pain, numbweed works just fine in small doses. If you've got any questions, you can drop by the infirmary." At her nod, he gathered his bags up. "Can I trust you'll make sure Beggar gets fed? -- Good. He'll stay with her until she's all healed up, hopefully that will keep her in good spirits. I need to get back to the Infirmary. I've been gone quite awhile. She should probably stay indoors for awhile, she's lost a bit of blood. Make sure she eats plenty of citron, too. The vitamins will help speed her healing."

Rawign clutched his bag close to himself and then nodded before plunking back up the side of the river, toward the Infirmary. It was quite a walk, but he could use the exercise to clear his head. Roxie was the only firelizard that remained with him, the green clutching her tail around his neck quite firmly. Li was off... probably at Blossom, if he knew the bronze at all. Ever since Marra left, Li was up and vanishing quite regularly, which was odd for the firelizard who used to never leave Rawign's side. No doubt he was spending his time with Mona, and Rawign couldn't help but feel jealous, seeing as there was no way he could just focus and close his eyes, then appear next to Marra. Oh, but if he could, he would have dozens of times, as he was growing steadily more agitated at Selenitas Weyr. It was just one big reminder of how miserable he felt and he longed to throw a fit of magnificent proportions in his misery.

And what in Faranth's name was going on at the Infirmary? Jessereth seemed to be making a fuss at the entrance, which prompted Rawign's expression to darken to a near fury. His pace quickened and he half-ran across the grounds, until he came up near the entrance. He stopped far enough back that he wasn't in the way of the dragon's thrashing, but close enough to be heard, his hands settling at his sides as Roxie went between. The green firelizard landed clumsily (as in she slammed into a table) behind Kalierre somewhere, giving a worried twitter, as though to draw attention to herself. Her 'voice' was easily recognizable as was the sound of her clattering. Never had Roxie been one for subtlety.

"Hi Phremath," Rawign offered with a nod toward the green. Then he turned back to the brown dragon, head tilted upward slightly. "Jessereth, I need to get past you to go inside," he stated plainly. Any other time he might have tried to be more delicate, but Rawign was miserable. He didn't believe Jess would hurt him, but if he did, well, he did. Rawign was at the point where the idea of being hurt didn't bother him very much anymore. He felt numb inside from his own depression, enough that most of what he did was mechanical anyway. Though, there was a thread of emotion in his voice for the first time since Marra left: annoyance. No, not at Jessereth, for the brown dragon had done nothing to merit Rawign's temper. Just annoyance in general finally starting to bubble to the surface, though it was tempered primarily by the fact that he knew something happened while he was gone. Why else would Jess be panicking that why? Shards, shards, shards!

[Requiem]

While the apprentices prepped Z'hin as swiftly and thoroughly as possible, Kalierre turned to her best tool for figuring out just exactly what was going on. Jessereth. I need you to talk to me. Opening that level of communication flooded her with an anxiety and fear only a bit less profound than had it been Phremath's. If you can tell me anything at all, it will help. You want to help, don't you? For the first time, the brown responded to her. I want to see him! We can't move Yours right now, Jessereth. You'll see him. But right now you need to talk to me. Understand?

Phremath had been edging toward Jessereth from the beginning, trying to impress a calm upon him that she didn't quite feel herself. He was likely to hurt himself if he kept thrashing like this. Jess...? His gaze was wild as it turned toward her, and she stopped moving, trembling slightly. Phremath wasn't easily frightened, but Jessereth was much larger than her - and not in his right mind.

The dragonhealer was certain, now, that Jessereth wouldn't be any help after all. But finally he spoke, What do you...want to know? Kali let out the breath she didn't know she'd been holding. These last few sevendays. The hallucinations he's been having. Were there more? A long pause. It almost seemed as if Jessereth was reluctant to betray his rider by speaking about anything personal like this. Yes. How often? Almost...every day. Kalierre pinched the bridge of her nose, resisting the urge to snap at the brown.

Has he been more tired than usual? Yes. A lot? Yes. The wherry-brain hadn't told anyone. Why did men have to be so stubborn? At least he's been eating. That'll help, Kali commented, noting that Jess's anxiety was steadily increasing. No. He...hasn't. Nauseous. After the last sevenday, he just stopped trying. I don't even want to know where all that gruel has been going. When did things start getting worse, Jessereth? When he replied, this time anger came into his tone. Since Aezanth's came alone. The first time.

Was it possible that he'd managed to rupture something in his stress? The organs would only be newly healed, if they were fully closed at all. No, nothing that dramatic, or it would have hit him then. But it might have caused light hemorraghing. Perhaps in the lung? He'd been coughing, though there'd been no blood. How much can you feel of him now, Jessereth? Faint. Less than when he sleeps. Please help him. We will, hun. You've helped a lot.

Kalierre wasn't nearly as confident as her words implied. Jessereth's information painted a bleak picture. If only the idiot had been smart enough to mention any of this! She was just checking the tubing to make sure there were no breaches in it when the flitter slammed into the table behind Kali, making the woman jump slightly. What? Roxie? Phremath. Is Rawign...? Yes. He's here. But Jessereth's in the way, and I don't think he'll move. You have to try to get him to allow Rawign in, love. I'm going to need an extra pair of hands, and I'd rather them not be those of an apprentice.

Rawign! Mine is inside. The green moved past the journeyman, brushing companionably against him before she turned her attention to Jessereth. You can't get through the door, brother. But the healers can. If you stand aside. Please. They will need to come and go to help Yours. For a moment the brown looked as if he might attack Phremath for even suggesting what he perceived to be the abandonment of His. But, in the end, he wavered, moving from the entrance to the Infirmary. A low growl exited his throat as he eyed Rawign.

Phremath, in a show of bravery, pressed against her clutchmate's side. He didn't seem to notice. It was something of a small victory, however...for he didn't chase Phremath away.

[glamourie]

Rawign nodded to Jessereth and Phremath. He could tell that Jessereth was distressed; it was blatantly obvious and the last thing he wanted was to make that worse. He privately thanked Phremath with a slow nod. He would tell her more specifically later on, but for the moment it was clear that the brown needed comfort he couldn't provide, and Phremath was going to be busy working on that. And Rawign needed to get inside, as Jessereth's panic chased away some of the numbness he'd felt ever since Marra left. Z'hin was one of the few people Rawign would admit to caring about, one way or the other, and he was not remotely going to consider the possibility that something would happen to him. He just wouldn't. His mind rejected the concept. Marra was gone. The only other person on Pern he considered a friend was in the Infirmary and his dragon was panicking. No, Rawign's mind would not tolerate that. Z'hin was fine, or he would be. There was no way Rawign would accept any other possibility.

Inside he moved, half-running as he slung his bag onto one of the tables. There were apprentices near the bed along with Kalierre, but where in Faranth's name were the other Journeymen for his shift? Why was Kalierre the only experienced Healer over there tending to Z'hin? He half-dashed over to the wash area, quickly cleaning his hands with the sweetsand before shaking them dry. Then he moved over to Kalierre's side, his panic causing Li to appear from between next to Roxie with a startled chitter. Rawign did not appear to notice. Z'hin looked pale. Rawign felt sick. If there was any kind of justice in the world, it would keep him from losing one of the few people he trusted left. But he was not naive enough to believe that.

"Kalierre, what's happening to him?" he asked, barely managing to keep the desperation out of his voice as he came up beside her. He wouldn't touch Z'hin, even though he wanted so badly to at least hold his hand and try to tell him everything was going to be all right. No, he didn't know what was wrong, and he wouldn't take any risks. Kalierre was the more experienced Healer and he would follow her lead completely, though from the chaos in the infirmary, it seemed like something major was wrong that she hadn't fully deduced the source of yet. He looked around, rapidly, before turning back to her, "Where in Faranth's name are the other Journeymen? Someone go find them!" Who else was on his shift for the day? Shards, he honestly couldn't recall, and that couldn't be good. They must have skipped, which... which meant... Z'hin had been left unattended for over an hour, save for apprentices.

Guilt washed over him and Rawign bit down the urge to turn away and fall apart. If he hadn't left, Z'hin might not have been in such a bad situation, he might have been able to catch whatever was happening in time. Unlikely, since whatever it was seemed to have come on within an hour - he'd been fine when Rawign left! - but... but that feeling wouldn't go away. He'd left, and Z'hin had slipped badly. It was his fault. He shouldn't have left. One of the apprentices could have stitched that little girl's leg back up just as well as he could have. One of them could have done something for her and he could have sent for Kalierre sooner, if it was something he wasn't equipped to handle. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. He could panic and wallow in guilt later.

"Tell me what you need me to do, Kali; I wasn't here, I don't know what's going on." Rawign admitting to not knowing something? Miracle of miracles. His voice sounded more confident than he felt, though. He'd do everything he was told, and he could mentally beat himself up later. The apprentices were scurrying around trying to prep him, but...

[Requiem]

Kalierre paused for a moment to collect herself, fully aware that Phremath had managed to calm Jessereth enough to allow Rawign passage. She'd seen so many people she cared about in situations like this - and many never came out of it. But the journeywoman had spent too many turns battling death to let the person at risk shake her. It was a fact in the back of her mind. No more. And, if she wanted hope to cling to, it wasn't hard. This particular man had already cheated death once. He could do it again. Surely. "Journeywoman?" The apprentices were ready.

"You may need to restrain him," she responded quietly. "The numbweed will only help on the surface, and we can't risk anything stronger." Two of the apprentices had gone pale, realizing what she meant. The third nodded solemnly. She waited until they were in position, before making a small incision near - from the scars - the one they'd had to make earlier. Blood beaded along the line. Glancing up at Rawign as he spoke, the woman's eyes quickly returned to her work. Though Z'hin was still breathing and sweating heavily, there was no apparent change to suggest he felt the knife. "What I know is he's showing symptoms of advanced infection, and his lung is filling with fluid. In all likelihood...something set off another round of internal bleeding, too slight for us to catch right away. He's probably going into septic shock."

As she spoke, she continued cutting, handing Rawign a clamp. "Keep that open for me." It might have been better to intubate him...but if the fluid that was gathering in the lung was blood, they'd have to locate the source. It would do no good to simply remove the misplaced blood and hope he stopped bleeding eventually. The lung itself seemed healthy enough, though, the stitches having held tight. She cut through two, working the tubing through and, just as she'd feared...blood. Only she couldn't tell where it was coming from. Frustrated, Kali blew a stray strand of hair from her eyes.

Watching the blood drain into a bowl one of the apprentices had gathered, she frowned. It was a slow thing but...still he was bleeding out into his lung. That couldn't have been a long term thing, either. Oh, shardit. It wasn't a problem with his lungs at all. His trachea was inflamed. Rubbed raw and bleeding, apparently internally as well. So yes, it had been an infection after all. They'd just lucked out in what part of his body happened to inflame, else they might not have noticed until he was ridden with fever and too far gone.

"Mira will take that, Rawign. I want to start administering fluids intravenously." Now...what? He'd continue to bleed no matter what she did. It was unavoidable. The tube would have to remain in his lung to drain it. If the trachea swelled too much, though, it would cut off all air, which was probably the reason he was struggling to breathe as it was. Slicing off another section of the tubing, she worked it into the surface of the inflamed passage, another stream of crimson added to the first. She stitched up both incisions around the tubes, also using the stitching to bind the tubes together so she'd only have one opening they'd have to watch. Kalierre stepped back as the apprentices worked to close the incision in his chest, glancing at Rawign grimly.

Already, Z'hin's breathing seemed to have steadied, though he was still trembling in the thralls of fever. Taking the bowl of water offered to her, Kalierre washed off her blood-soaked hands. The apprentices were now bandaging Z'hin's chest again, leaving room for the tubes that were still draining blood into the bowl though, thankfully, it was a slow thing. He shouldn't be in danger of too much blood loss. "No fellis. Do you understand me?" She wasn't sure how much the infection had affected his nervous system. "Not until I give the okay. Do you have everything in place, Rawign?"

[glamourie]

Advanced infection. Shards. Rawign's pulse sped up, though he forced himself into an outward calm. All of his bitter self-loathing was swallowed down into the pit of his stomach, to burst free at the first available and free time for an explosion. Advanced infection. That was... not good. And how anyone had missed that was beyond him as surely signs would have been showing sooner. Rawign had been in to see Z'hin nearly every day, though admittedly less since Marra left, a fact which would eat him up with guilt once he was free to let his emotions rule him. Aside from some strange behavior, he hadn't noticed anything. That thought made him feel like a total and complete incompetent, though like his guilt and misery, it was all buried beneath the surface, tucked away and ignored. There was a time and a place for self-depreciation and when his friend was running the risk of dying, that was most definitely not it. What could have set off more bleeding though? Well, Z'hin had been throwing things around and he'd seemed quite distressed, but nothing Rawign saw him do seemed to out of the ordinary.

He took the clamp without a second of thought and secured it so that the incision on Z'hin's chest remained open. It was a good thing Rawign had washed his hands, most likely, though Kalierre was obviously doing most of the work. He didn't say anything, watching in silence while waiting for his next instruction. As worried as he was, any kind of extra help might have made things worse. His eyes flicked to the apprentices and then Kali, his face perfectly blank. None of the fear he felt showed, which was fortunate as a panicking healer wasn't likely to be good. Not hat he actually was panicking. Rawign felt the calmest he'd been in a long time, even if his heart was thudding faster by the minute.

A curt nod was spared to Mira as Rawign moved out of her way and nodded at Kalierre's instructions. He moved back over to the wash area to rapidly clean his hands again, then he directed one of the apprentices to remove any hair that might have been left on the back of Z'hin's hand - adhesive tapes didn't stick well to hair and would hurt to be removed, otherwise. While the apprentice was handling that, he retrieved the cannula and syringe. The apprentices used a small razor to shave the hair off and then cleaned the area appropriately. He would normally have wanted numbweed but with all that Kali was doing, it was inappropriate and Z'hin wasn't likely to notice the feel of the needle at all. He used the distraction of most of the group helping Kalierre to put the needle into one of the veins on the top of Z'hin's hand, then attached the cannula over it, before removing the needle itself, which took both of his hands and caused him to completely ignore the apprentices next to him, just to make sure he was doing it right. Then he attached the tube to and secured the cannula.

He could distantly hear Kali talking, but Rawign's eyes were on the fluids and the IV hook up, just to make sure he'd done it right. Only when he was spoken to did his attention even slightly sway, and that was because he was being spoken to. Looking up from Z'hin's hand, Rawign gave a curt nod to Kalierre, "Everything's ready." His eyes flicked over to the incision Kalierre had made and some of the more worried apprentices looking nearby, all in a matter of seconds, the way someone might look at their opponent in a fight. Calm, calm, calm. By focusing on Kali, he was able to avoid acknowledging that the person in the bed happened to have saved his life... only to run the risk of losing his so soon after...

[Requiem]

"You three can finish up. If there's any change, good or bad, I want to know about it." The emergency had passed. Sort of. But Z'hin was still running a high fever and his body was fighting infection. The healers had little more they could do for him. The rest would depend on the man's inner strength.

Normally, Kalierre would just have walked off to deal with the stress on her own, but today was different. She was tired. And she was angry. Incompetence was never met favorably by the healer, especially when that incompetence endangered the life of a friend. "Journeyman. With me. Now." Though Kali gave orders naturally, it was unusual for her to be so brusque about it outside of treating a patient. Her irritations was more than evident in the use of his rank rather than his name. Kali disappeared into her office, holding the door for Rawign and clearing files off a seat for him before she took the only other chair in the room aside from the one behind the desk.

Kalierre's eyes stared blankly at the wall for a long moment, her elbows resting lightly on her crossed legs as her folded hands lingered before her mouth. Part of this was to collect her words. Another reason, however, had to do with Jessereth. You can tell? That Yours is doing better? Yes, but... He should be fine, now, Jessereth. I just wanted you to know that your help, and your being here, probably saved his life. Though the brown said nothing more, she could sense his mood lightening. Good. Keep him company, Phremath. This is hard.

It was obvious when Kalierre had returned to the reality of her small office. Her eyes were very much aware again, infused with a quiet earnestness. And the healer didn't look at all happy. "The apprentices were here alone. Alone. Do you know where the other journeyman on this shift is? More to the point, why did you leave the infirmary at all when you were the only journeyman here?" Kalierre paused. She looked...more disappointed than angry, though that could have been weariness. The question was not meant to be answered.

"I don't mind being awoken to deal with emergencies at the infirmary or elsewhere on Selentias. But this is getting ridiculous. I'm getting called in to do births and broken bones. I should have known that the journeymen haven't been doing their part, if their faces and names are unknown to the majority of the weyr. I never would have thought I had healers shirking shifts, though."

Kalierre sighed, straightening. "I'm sorry. I know most of this isn't your fault. The fact that you're here at all means I can't group you with the rest. I need someone who can look after things when I'm not here, Rawign. First, I want at least one journeyman watching Z'hin closely every shift until he starts acting his old self - flying gruel and all. Secondly...I'd like to start training a couple apprentices in dragonhealing since Trenlor seems to have permanently disappeared. Maybe that will help a little. I don't know. But at this rate, I'm as likely to kill someone as help them, I'm so tired."

Her gaze snared on Rawign unyieldingly. Kalierre usually wasn't one for a lot of words or great speeches, but exhaustion made her more wordy than usual. And she needed to express some of the worries that had been building up for sevendays. Besides which, the dragonhealer needed to start delegating, and if her equals weren't going to help, that only left those she supervised. At least she could train them well enough to trust in their abilities in her absence.

"Who would you recommend as someone who could pick up dragonhealing?" Kali regarded him closely. She had a couple in mind, but...she wanted to see what he would say.

[glamourie]

Rawign visibly twitched, then turned and followed Kalierre without a second word, nor another glance at Z'hin. But the second he was in the office with Kalierre, his hands started shaking. Not noticeably to many other than him, but it was obvious how nervous he felt. Though she cleared off a chair, though, Rawign did not seek it out. He did not try to sit, instead moving to one of the walls, which he leaned against with his arms winding tightly around his lower stomach. His face remained guarded, schooled to a perfect calm, but recognition was slowly returning to him as well as acknowledgment of what had just happened. Z'hin had almost died and why? Because he'd been a wherrybrain and gone to deal with a weyrbrat when he should have sent an apprentice. Dim, dim, dim. There was no excuse for such a major slipup, none! How had he missed that? It was his fault. Completely, utterly his fault. He'd almost cost one of his friends their life solely because he was an incompetent, which really had only gotten worse since Marra left. He wouldn't state outright what his problem was, though. Not for anyone to hear. He was too humiliated.

Kali's words didn't help. If anything they only reinforced what he felt. Anyone else, and Rawign would have felt righteously angry, started yelling that he'd done his best and he was sorry he couldn't be five or six places at once, miracle healer, something of that nature. But Kalierre wasn't everyone else. She was the kind of Healer he wished he could be, though he doubted he'd ever come close. She had a naturally disarming air about her even when angry and rather than feel indignant, he vaguely felt like a child with a runny nose who had knocked over his mother's favourite dress right into a pile of ink, forever ruining it. Most effectively scolded and abashed. His head bowed, though he didn't speak or dare try to interrupt. He did, meekly, want to try and defend himself, but he didn't know how to begin.

"I didn't know the other journeyman wasn't here. I don't know who is scheduled for today. Luaralene, maybe? Lumari? I don't know which one of them it was. I thought for sure one of them was here," he said softly, when Kalierre finished speaking. "There's no excuse for my actions. I won't try to justify what happened. I can tell you why I left: Roralia's fosterling managed to tear open the back of her leg on the jagged rocks near the riverside and she was insistent on me coming with her to stitch her up. I didn't think I'd be gone that long. Z'hin was.. well, as he's been, when I left. I just started my shift, too." He shook his head slowly. "I thought for sure one of the others was here..." His voice trailed off, a quiet fury directed at Lumari and Luaralene. One of them should have been there. There was no excuse. One of them absolutely should have been there. Why in the world were they skipping?

Someone was out to just... destroy his life. Rawign was convinced of it. First, Marra got sent away, which made him want to wallow (though he'd thrown himself to overworking; if he wasn't in the infirmary he could probably be found in the kitchens or somewhere cleaning like a neat-freak). Then Z'hin... and if he hadn't left... how could he leave... Shards, shards, shards. He was going to kill Lumari and Luaralene. Plain and simple. Marra was right; it was a good thing he didn't go to Blossom because clearly the other two Healers were incompetent and lazy and refused to come to their shifts -- by the egg! The more he thought about it, the more angry he became.. and unfortunately not all of that anger was because of what happened with Z'hin. He was furious that Marra was gone, too. That numbness in the pit of his stomach was formed primarily by raw, unadulterated anger.

She wanted... apprentices? Rawign blinked, forcing his mind to latch onto that rather than the desire to slam the Journeywomen's heads into a wall. "Halyn is a Senior Apprentice. She might be interested. Orelin's really a talented apprentice too, he comes in early mornings I think..." He looked down, trying to think of what other apprentices would be well-suited. Many of them were busy being frightened of patients like Z'hin, so could they handle a hurting dragon? Unlikely. A thought occurred to him, then, though, and he almost hesitantly looked up, "I... what about me?" He wasn't an apprentice, but... But maybe learning Dragonhealing would help him get over what was left of his fear of them. Not that much remained, but loud noises still frightened him. He got scared any time he was around larger bronzes and golds. Something had to be done. And he was a quick study... so maybe...?

[Requiem]

Kalierre didn't address Rawign's explanation. She'd figured it was something along those lines and, Kali being Kali, she didn't believe he'd actually hold himself responsible for something that wasn't his fault. The journeywoman had only been venting a bit. Aside from that, she was a tad too tired to realize that her quiet questioning was actually worse than raging at him. Of course Lumari wasn't here. It wasn't common knowledge, but Kalierre did not want the new journeywoman in the infirmary when she wasn't around to keep an eye on her. But Luaralane should have been...

The small, amused smile touched her lips as Rawign spoke of the apprentices. It was a common misconception. Dragonhealing and Healing were two different crafts, with two different sets of Craftmasters. When she'd mentioned apprentices, it had simply meant anyone who was new to the dragonhealing craft. Of course, the two tended to go hand-in-hand, and there were few dragonhealers who hadn't started out as healers, but with Threadfall now the norm, that would change. It did every Pass. At least, according to the records.

In fact, Kalierre herself had been a new journeywoman healer when she took up dragonhealing as an apprentice. In a way, dragonhealing could be regarded as sculpture as compared to the more common painting medium of healing. Both were respected as art, but one was rarer, and therefore more valuable. And, just because a person was adept at one, didn't mean they'd be good at the other. Most people who became dragonhealers no longer advanced in the healing field. Kalierre'd had no such luxury. In a time of war, you couldn't be choosy about who you treated. Her versatility was what left her in this position of responsibility without authority, though, and she couldn't say she much appreciated it.

Regardless of Rawign's naivety, she was pleased that he'd mentioned Halyn, as she'd thought along those same lines. That was more her reasoning for asking him than anything else; Kalierre was feeling out the younger journeyman to see if she might be able to rely on him a bit more. Was his judgment sound? Yes, that might have been arrogant thinking, though Kalierre certainly wasn't aware of it. Judging his judgment by comparing it to her own...Yet, were she called on it, she likely would have said it was more confidence than arrogance. Her record clearly showed she had a good eye for such things. Though the other she had in mind...

There it was. An interest. Kalierre refused to teach anyone the craft if they didn't at least have an interest in it, or it would be an utter waste of time. "What about you?" she repeated, but her smile was gentle. "Well, Phremath likes you, but I doubt that's really a proper indicator. You'd have to understand that dragonhealing is a craft separate from healing. You'd have apprentice status under me. Though of course you wouldn't lose your journeyman status as a healer. It would likely cause your advancement to slow in the healing field, though."

She didn't mention that an apprentice dragonhealer was actually of equal rank as a Sr. Journeyman healer - though of course not as highly placed as one who aided a master or taught. Kalierre didn't want Rawign choosing something because of the rank. She just wanted him to understand that these were two different animals. "In all likelihood, if you study dragonhealing, that will take up most of your time and energy." Kali was the exception to a lot of rules. Her ranking as a healer was actually the same as her ranking as a dragonhealer at the moment...since she was the only journeywoman at Selenitas available to actually be teaching apprentices and more junior journeymen. That was not in any way the norm.

"So...do you want to put your training as a healer on hold? It is completely your decision."

[glamourie]

Rawign tilted his head slightly, though a smile flashed over his face briefly. Phremath liked him? That was reassuring, although to his knowledge she liked everyone. Except maybe K'lir, but K'lir was a prat who was hard to like. Still, that didn't really tell him whether or not he would be very good as a Dragonhealer. It seemed like something more catered to dragonriders rather than just people lurking around the Weyr like him. (Right - he was a candidate, technically, but...) Did he think he could learn? Some part of him was worried - highly, highly worried. Most of that stemmed from the fear that was nearly all-encompassing. He liked dragons considerably better ever since the feline attack but he was still frightened. The idea of putting the life of someone else's dragon in his hands scared him, too. Humans... were somehow less intimidating. But he needed to get over that fear, he needed to deal with it, and he knew that. Such total and encompassing fear wasn't good for anyone... and Rawign hated feeling like he was a coward. No part of him was accustomed to such feelings.

"Slow," he repeated quietly, wringing his fingers together. "Slow... by how much ..but .. learn different things." He was mumbling to himself, the words not meant for Kali. Instead, Rawign stepped away from the wall and walked back and forth in the office, occasionally glancing out the door as though he were nervous something might happen. Since he'd left for only an hour and something chaotic happened, it was probably no surprise that Rawign was borderline paranoid. He played things out in his head before finally plunking down into the empty seat. His head bowed just slightly, which stemmed from him still being more than a little upset with himself.

"Kali, all I've ever wanted to be is a Healer. My whole life. I've wanted to be a healer ever since I was a child - went out of my way to get to HealerHall when my father wouldn't let me go. Hard work, effort, studying - none of this bothers me. I like learning, and I like studying." Why was he launching into a rant? Because he was stressed, and he was avoiding what he was really trying to tell her. "I don't mind the idea of my progress in primary healing halting if it means I get to learn more and be more varied, because I don't think anyone should specialize completely in one thing. I mean - I'm willing to learn, and I respect your opinion and talents, or I wouldn't have even mentioned it." He shook his head and rubbed his temples, before adding, very quietly, as if he was frightened someone else might overhear him. "But I have other reasons for asking, and I'm not sure if they make me the best person qualified..."

Rawign laced his fingers together in front of his face, steepling his hands in front of his nose. His eyes remained down on the floor which was usually the first indicator that something was wrong. Rawign made a point to meet people's gazes when he spoke to them. He felt it was only polite. But he was embarrassed, and he didn't want to see Kali's reaction to his words.

"I want to learn. I like learning. And I think I'd enjoy it. But I'm frightened of dragons, Kalierre. I've been frightened of them since I was small, and... while I don't freeze up around them anymore, I don't know how much good I'd be to learn when they scare me. I don't know if that makes me even remotely qualified. I want to try, but you sound like you need someone who is a fast learner, and while I pick up information really fast, it might take me awhile to be more comfortable around dragons. Jessereth and Phremath are the only ones that don't frighten me very much. Loud noises and things like that from them don't scare me... Shards, I was hiding at the back of the group at the Hatching because I was convinced Aslath hated me. I don't know if I would be so good a choice, and I don't want to inconvenience you."

[Requiem]

Kalierre's eyebrow had risen as Rawign began talking. Just one. She watched him pace and found she was getting faintly dizzy, so decided instead to focus on where he might eventually stop, just listening to his words. She knew he was working up to something. So much nervous energy wasn't justified, and she didn't think he felt the need to sing his own praises or convince her of anything when she hadn't batted him down right away. Though Kalierre wasn't a mindhealer or anything like that, she tended to empathize well enough, and knew when people were inordinantly uneasy. What was eating at Rawign? Ah, there...it seemed like he was finally getting to that point. It would interest her to see what this thing was that made him feel unfit.

Her eyes narrowed as she regarded the seated journeyman. Sometimes she forgot how young he was. No, he wasn't so very young, compared to her own age when she'd first found herself a new journeyman in a Weyr, but he also didn't have the same maturity that he seemed to exhibit at other times. It was uncommon for a healer to be so insecure. She knew that - in a lot of things - he wasn't insecure. But around her he seemed to get that way more. With that one dragonless man. With the emergency that had taken place just now. Yes, she'd noticed that. And now with this.

Afraid...of dragons. Kalierre blinked. At first, she didn't quite believe he'd actually said that. It was a difficult thing for her to understand, this fear of creatures who were essentially - pure. Dragons had the animal innocence, coupled with a sentient view of the world around them, that made them so powerfully endearing. If dragons ever did anything cruel, it was due to the connection they shared with their bonded. Given, some dragons probably bonded with these humans cause they were more given to such things. But she still didn't believe that dragons, left to their own devices, were capable of evil.

Maybe her views were tainted. After all, she hadn't come into contact with the wars directly until she was fifteen, and then she was on the inside looking out. There were plenty of horrors there. No denying that. But...well, yes, though she hadn't known it then, she had a connection with all dragons. One she could open and close at will now. That wasn't exactly normal. At least, she didn't think it was. She didn't actually know. A rather odd fact, when she thought about it. At any rate, then she'd transferred to Selenitas, which was dragonkind at its best, and Impressed Phremath. There could be no fear of dragons left. If there was any to begin with, which she certainly couldn't recall having. This was a hard fear for her to empathize with.

Slowly, Kalierre shook her head, her hands dropping to her lap. "Is that all? I thought you were going to say something along the lines of 'I'm a homicidal maniac, Kali.' I spent seven turns as an apprentice in the Healer Hall. Yes, I need someone who can learn - but thoroughness is more important than speed. I want someone who can stand on his own two feet in the future without me constantly having to look over his shoulder, wondering what he forgot this time." Kalierre smiled gently at him. "Besides, Rawign. If you can get over your fear of Jessereth and Phremath, and you want to get into dragonhealing, that tells me you'll overcome the rest of your fear. If you want to become my apprentice, you are more than welcome. But it has to be your decision."

[glamourie]

'Is that it?' -- like it was something minor. Rawign frowned, resisting the urge to snap back "Yes, that's it!" or "Are you laughing at me?" for he felt terribly sheepish, though why he couldn't quite explain. His fears were valid. Her explanation of what she'd expected earned a wry smile. Homicidal maniac. It wasn't that far from the truth if one added in his ideas of how to poison a certain MasterCraftsman for sending away Marra, but he'd never actually go through with it. Well, not never; people were all capable of terrible things when pushed but it would take a lot to earn such a reaction from Rawign. He viewed death as a waste. Which in turn, actually, was why he feared dragons as much as he did, for in the north they seemed to cause so very much death. People were, inherently, to blame for that and intellectually Rawign knew that as well as anyone, but as a child when he looked into the sky on the horizon far away and saw dragons fighting until one winked between forever, their rider left to die... or worse. Was it any wonder that he held dragons with an aloof air, at the least? He wasn't afraid of them in the manner some people were. A lot of people took fear and made it hate; he didn't. In a way, his fear was wrought by reverence. (He knew what it was like to hate something he feared, though. There were other creatures that fell under that category ever since that day by the river.) Rawign frowned and bowed his head, just slightly. Were his fears truly so unfounded? Was it truly that odd to wonder if it would be a detriment?

"Jessereth and Phremath are different," he corrected quietly. "Phremath is very disarming by nature. It's hard to be afraid of anything so cheerful and outgoing all the time. Jessereth..." His voice trailed off, but what was left unspoken, he thought was obvious. He'd feared Jessereth, too, for awhile... but after the felines, it was hard to regard the brown as anything short of a hero; how could he be afraid of something that had helped save his life? Yes, Jessereth was a dragon but the rules that kept him from being comfortable with most of them did not apply to Jess. Jess was... well, Rawign liked him. The others weren't the same. He was uncomfortable with them, even the ones that had arrived to help. And, perhaps especially with the queens. Aslath terrified him, Millieth had frightened him by jumping clear over him and Aezanth -- well, Aezanth's rider didn't seem to like him at all. That opinion was drawn from the fact that she'd completely ignored him, except for when Z'hin drew her attention to the fact that he was there, and she'd never spoken to him one-on-one. He didn't expect her to though. He was a nobody.

Frowning, Rawign glanced toward the infirmary again. Z'hin had nearly died. That fact was not lost on him, even if he was having trouble wrapping his mind around it. Z'hin was his friend, and he'd nearly died. Rawign was still angry with himself for leaving the infirmary at all. He should have done something different. Never mind that he had no way of knowing, he should have guessed from Z'hin's behavior that something was very very off. But no, like a fool he was thinking about no one but himself, focusing on nothing but his own pain. Yes, Rawign was angry with himself. He really was a selfish piece of work. He'd have to work on that to some degree... though it was harder to care than it used to be. Funny; he was having trouble avoiding lapsing into a bad mood all the time anymore.

"I want to try," Rawign admitted, because it was the truth. "I don't know how I'll do, but I want to try. I..." He frowned, then turned back to Kalierre before shaking his head. "What happened today is inexcusable on my part as much as anyone else's, and... something needs to be done. Something needs changing. I want to learn, I do." He also wanted to flay whatever healer hadn't shown up and had every intention of going on a rampage at the other journeymen once his shift was over. Frowning, Rawign tapped his fingers together, letting some of the worry drift from his face, though it was replaced by a completely different kind of concern. "I can't believe that no one picked up how bad a shape he's in... I've been talking to Z'hin from time to time... I didn't even notice... How could I have missed that? I knew he wasn't happy being in here - who is? - but..."

[Requiem]

Kalierre had managed to put aside her annoyance for a bit, while talking to Rawign about finding apprentices, but he brought it back in full force as he spoke. The greenrider wasn't the sort to argue with someone when they obviously had an idea stuck firmly in their head. Phremath and Jessereth were different, yes, but so were all the other dragons. Each one had a distinct personality, a flavor that was unique to all the others. If Rawign had to become familiar with every one of the dragons at Selenitas before he could stop fearing them, that was all right, but she had little doubt that he would lose his fear of dragons once he understood them. There simply wasn't anything cruel about the creatures.

Her errant journeymen were another matter. As far as she was concerned, there were two major factors involved in the severity of this emergency. There should never be just one journeyman on duty simply because the others were too lazy to show up for their shift. No, Rawign shouldn't have left, but it was clear he hadn't known the second on his shift was going to skip. It might just be a coincidence. There could be a perfectly good reason that she hadn't shown. But the truth of the matter was that this was happening more than Kalierre would like, and it had to stop. She would need to speak to the Headwoman, or maybe the Weyrwoman, about this. Kali hoped Marisina would be available. She didn't feel comfortable around Shmee, and probably never would.

Despite her distraction, she managed a small smile for Rawign when he expressed his desire to learn dragonhealing. That was at least one step in the right direction. This sharding infirmary was going to sheol in a handbasket. "I do have to make changes," Kalierre responded, neutrally. He was undoubtedly aware that she wasn't the ranking healer at Selenitas - even if she was the ranking healer actually frequenting the infirmary at the moment. As soon as he mentioned Z'hin, though, her demeanor shifted to one of open anger. Kalierre didn't really have much in the way of friends here at Selenitas, but that man was one of the ones she cared about.

"Don't make excuses for him, Rawign. Jessereth has painted an interesting picture. It seems Z'hin has been hiding a hell of a lot the past few sevendays, and if anyone's to be blamed for his sudden crash, it's him. He should have spoken up. Instead, he tried to play the strong man and put himself in danger. If he pulls through this, I'll be killing him myself." Her fists, clenched before this point, slowly relaxed as Kalierre let out a breath. It was unusual for her to express anger. Often it remained hidden, but Rawign had drawn it back out, and as soon as she opened her mouth it had just kept pouring. Z'hin had scared her, much as she hated to admit it. What would have happened if she'd been unable to locate the problem?

He'd be dead. Shardit, she still wasn't certain he had the strength to survive an infection this advanced with such a late start on treatment.

[glamourie]

Rawign froze. Had he, in some way, implied that Kalierre had to change anything? She wasn't the ranking Healer, why was she in charge of everything? Come to think of it, why was she the one being called in on every case he heard about and doubtlessly some that he did not? It seemed like people forgot that Kali wasn't the only Healer at the Weyr and something needed to be done about that, if only because she didn't deserve to be called in on everything and how was anyone going to get their proper training if she was taking all the cases? People shouldn't have been picking-and-choosing their healers. None of that was Kalierre's fault, though, and he felt a hint of sorrow for having even mentioned anything. He didn't want to upset Kali at all, and he felt like he had. He was also fairly sure she was mad at him, though much of that stemmed from Rawign's completely pessimistic attitude. Everyone was always mad at him. Of course.

Shaking his head, Rawign frowned. "Getting mad at Z'hin won't help change anything. Hiding things or not, he's not completely to blame, and it's not making excuses for him. I've been on shift a lot lately, and I should have noticed something. I talk to him a lot. Some of the other healers should have been paying attention. We're partially to blame too." We being him and the other healers, not Kali; she'd been really busy lately, and he was sure she'd know that he didn't mean her. He didn't specify as a result. "You shouldn't say 'if' though. You were brilliant in there. I'm sure that Z'hin will pull through and then you can clock him with a bedpan and shove gruel down his throat. I'm looking forward to that myself." Yum, passive aggressive behavior. It sounded like a plan to him. Oh he'd never dare do anything to hurt Z'hin but making him eat gruel seemed to be a satisfactory punishment since he'd put up such a fuss about it.

Thinking on it, though, had he ever seen Kali so fired up about anything before? He couldn't think of a single time when the Healer seemed so angry or upset in any way. Kali always seemed very calm. The fact that she was expressing such emotions (even though they were far more constructive than his own; Rawign was still planning violence) was worrisome. Just how often was Kali in the infirmary? He saw her on a lot of shifts. Rawign was working as many as he could, considering he had only a minimal amount of chores as a Candidate and... literally nothing else to distract him. (Actually, he'd been using the infirmary to keep his mind off of things that upset him. Worked brilliantly, too, until Z'hin had... well...)

"Kali," Rawign said softly, glancing toward the infirmary again just to make sure none of the apprentices were walking by, "are you okay? Genuinely okay? Not just about this - but everything." It wasn't his place to ask. He knew that and normally would have respected it, but Rawign liked Kalierre. He was not about to just let it go when she was very obviously distressed. "I've never seen you angry before. Or upset. I know you and Z'hin are friends, but... even so, you always seem very calm. Not that you're not completely justified, but..." But it wasn't like her. It wasn't like her at all. That thought actually chased away some of the bitter, self-loathing he was feeling in favor of concern for the older Healer, his eyebrows nearly reaching his hairline as he regarded her curiously.

[Requiem]

The anger that had blossomed quickly disappeared back into its container at her core, biding its time. Rawign didn't understand, and that was all right. He couldn't. As easy as it was for Kalierre to empathize with others and to read between the lines, she knew she was confusing. She kept things in, and when they did finally get their release, it was often aimed at a target other than the one she truly wanted to strike out against. No, she was annoyed with Z'hin, but she was angry with the way this infirmary was falling apart. And doubly angry that it seemed the first one to reap the negative consequences had been her friend. If she was angry at anyone right now, it was herself. Rawign had talked to Z'hin, but then, so had she, and she had a lot more experience. How could she have missed it?

Kali blinked. Clock Hin with a bedpan? Why would she do that? She didn't voice her pessimism in regard to Z'hin's recovery. Some of it was founded in reality, but she realized that a lot of it, too, had more to do with her general tiredness and mild depression. No, Kalierre knew things weren't right with her, but she didn't have the time to deal with it. She didn't have the time for anything. Did Rawign really think he'd be all right? Maybe she should trust that hunch. After all, the man shouldn't have lived through a mauling that traumatic at all. The fact that he had seemed to suggest he was made of stronger stuff than the average man. Much stronger. Would it be enough? Possibly. Kalierre let out a sigh, rubbing at her temple. She didn't even notice what she was doing, or the headache at all.

Her eyes refocused on Rawign. What - ? He was asking...after her? It was so unusual for anyone to express concern for Kalierre that she found herself at something of a loss as to what to do. The woman smiled reflexively, a small, warm thing that looked rather weary, even as she shook her head. It was not in her nature to share anything with anyone until well after the problem had passed. Maybe that was unhealthy. Truthfully, it had more to do with her upbringing, where friendship and trust were rare commodities. There was no point in opening yourself up to someone who didn't care about you, and in the North, concern was rarely genuine. That wasn't to say she thought Rawign wasn't genuine, but she didn't really know him. Answering his question truthfully was the equivalent of showering him with a million concerns he could hardly suspect she even had. She had no right to do that to him.

"I'll be all right once I get some sleep," she finally replied. Though there was nothing expressly dismissive in her tone, it should be more than clear that she didn't intend to pursue that particular topic of conversation any further. "I trust you can handle the infirmary until the shift change later? As for Z'hin - " She rose, picking her way through the stacks of files standing between her and her desk. There was a small cabinet she kept, stocked with the different poultices and concoctions she'd perfected during her turns as a journeyman. Kalierre handed him a jar, labeled with a marking only she understood. "Mix this into the saline solution. 0.12 Molar. It seems to help those who are struggling with infection or - well, it should help."

Kalierre offered him a small smile. "We'll talk about your apprenticeship again later."