As it is [Micah]

[rii]

Fingers fisted into F'ur's shirt and slowly twisted the fabric in frustration. F'lix didn't mind being pulled back into contact with his weyrmate – even if after mentioning the smell made it harder to ignore - because it hid the way his jaw clenched in effort to keep himself from angrily snapping at the older man. Tell me you didn't come here to die and you can stay. The words, as swallowed down as they were, didn't tone down the stiffness in F'lix's body. It hadn't been easy to tell F'ur what he had. The other man's reaction - though not unexpected - still made the younger rider inwardly flinch.

The question - and the unspoken accusation (or maybe that was F'lix's guilt making him hear things) - had the silence continuing as F'lix mulled over the possibilities. Leaving with F'ur right then and there sounded simple enough. Only F'lix knew that if Saboth took wing now it would draw attention. Lilitu was still back at his weyr as well. The sudden disappearance of all three of them would draw too much suspicion now since some people already knew he was back at the Weyr. What if they looked into it and it somehow lead to these others that had come along with F'ur. The idea of someone else suffering the consequences because F'lix wanted to be selfish and run off right then with his weyrmate just.. didn't sit well on the inside. F'lix didn't handle guilt well.

As far as the unspoken went, F'lix let it remain that way. It wasn't normal for him to hide things from F'ur, but for now he would blame it on the long absence of the man. A sudden moment of tact, even, to not get into the painful subject.

"Leave you?" F'lix eyes narrowed at the choice of words, then dismissed the annoyed thought with a faint shake of his head. He quietly sighed, letting his eyes fall to a close to avoid F'ur's intent gaze. A crease quickly forming along his brow in stubborn determination to not let himself be talked into something he knew would be a careless risk. "I can't leave yet, they know I'm here." Dark gold eyes opened to fix on his weyrmate. "I'll be sent back north soon enough. I'd just have to check in with the others, then. Then." He could just fade away and be assumed killed while out on his own. No one would be asking questions, and there wouldn't be any bread crumbs to follow. No, one bluerider was never very important – but F'lix rather err on the side of caution.

In F'lix's mind they shouldn't see each other again at all until after he left the Weyr. Could hardly blame the younger rider. He didn't want, for any reason, attention to be drawn to F'ur. Even though F'lix was sure F'ur didn't give a damn about any of the risks. Snort. "Should get those wounds treated," Didn't want to argue anymore. "I have some supplies in my weyr.."

And there it was, the quiet compromise - even if F'lix was giving his weyrmate a stern look as if to lecture on the conditions; he could come along only if he was quiet, and didn't act suspicious, or anything else that might draw another person's curiosity. Overly paranoid? Quite.

[Requiem]

F'ur's eyes narrowed in response to F'lix's. Didn't really have to see the younger man's face to know that the kitten was upset with him. Well, he could just be upset, then. There wasn't much that the bluerider could do about any of that, after all, and it was just tough if his lover didn't like his answer. "Yes, leave." Defiance. Of course he meant death, and of course that was rarely the fault of the man dead, but it still hurt and you were still left behind. He wasn't changing the wording. So bite him.

The older man tsked softly. He didn't see the problem with leaving now. So what if they noticed him missing? What were they going to do, mount a hunting party? F'ur had little doubt he could convince the other two to change locations, as they did so often anyway. Or not bother with them at all if it came right down to it. Course, he really didn't know what F'lix was doing here, so maybe they would chase him...seemed unlikely.

Regardless, F'ur was willing to concede the timing as long as F'lix actually had a timetable that didn't involve months. He nodded, though the abruptness of the gesture probably betrayed his own irritation. "Okay. I think I can wait that long. But we'll stay in the jungles outside the Weyr." Not willing to argue with the kitten on that one, either. Part of the reasoning being, of course, that the caravan would be leaving here tomorrow and they couldn't stay at Selenitas without it being strange.

Speaking of strange...It seemed that F'ur actually had more of a sense of self-preservation than most people attributed to him. "You really think you can take me into our weyr without raising questions?" A soft snort. The older man was not risking being questioned and separated again over something that silly. There was nothing wrong with the glade right here.

"They're just scratches. I'll wash off the smell and wash them out, and you can stay here a little longer. I doubt you planned on going back to the Weyr this early anyway." He began standing up, to allay any protests F'lix might have had. Then he paused. Might be a bad time for his mind to stray this way, but what did he really have to lose? F'ur glanced sidelong at the younger bluerider. "Though it's been awhile since I've bathed. May have forgotten how."

[rii]

The body beneath his arms had been a physical comfort that F'lix hadn't registered until the cool air of the night filled the warm space where F'ur had once been. Absently F'lix ran his hands over his thighs while scanning the tall grass for his discarded jacket. Having the compromise shot down only confused F'lix when a moment before F'ur was being vehement about not parting. It would have been nice to have someone with him inside those empty stone walls, a warm body beside him in a proper bed to allow him a single night free of unwanted dreams. Not to mention Lilitu would have been relieved to see Terror.

F'ur was being difficult – contrary even – and F'lix didn't understand why. It had been a turn, he reasoned quietly to himself while rising to his feet and wading through the glade. He casually wiped once at his cheek as his face settled into more neutral planes. Things changed in that time, it wasn't easy to turn back the dial to the a time before the take-over. The jacket was scooped up and instantly became an object for his fingers to pick at. What did he want – to leave together right on the spot. Because he hadn't gotten exactly what he wanted, he was being something of a brat? Perhaps.

The arm holding the jacket swung low against his waist as he made his way back up to F'ur, stepping back into older man's personal space to nearly brush bodies. His free hand skimmed F'ur's waist, slowly and drifting down the outside of the leg – where his fingers suddenly curled with tips digging into the slash along F'ur's thigh. The severed flesh he felt there was testament enough that the cut was more than a mere scratch. F'lix should know, he had only altered the course of blade enough to not go near the femoral.

"Damn your arrogance to between F'ur." Dark eyes flicked up to his weyrmate. If the older man wanted to wall everything up so quickly – fine. F'lix didn't like it then any more than he had in the past. He had offered to clean F'ur up in a private setting. Like any other weyr resident he was entitled to his choice of night-time company. It got turned down because it might get questioned, then F'ur goes and suggests the baths were any one of the night-timers could walk in. F'lix was fairly sure his scenario would raise less questions.

Even with fingers slick with fresh blood, the jacket slid easily over his shoulders. "Make up your mind," F'lix lowly growled at the older man. "I'm not allowing you to bleed out in some hot pool. Not leaving without first returning to my weyr." Not their weyr, he had been moved and nearly all of F'ur's 'collection' had been lost. "Not leaving right now unless Saboth can do an impressive death keen and vanish between. I don't want to give someone a reason to keep an eye out for me. I want to go F'ur. Damnit. So stop being an ass about it and acting like I'm trying to evade you. Do you have any idea how badly I've missed you?"

[Requiem]

Yeah, he could tell that F'lix wasn't terribly happy with him for shooting down the whole go to their weyr thing, but F'ur didn't really care. He was certain he could make F'lix forget his displeasure with relative ease. Particularly considering the 'relative' in this scenario involved upset Benden defectors and F'lix's former lover-turned-dictator. If lover even applied. F'lix's former love might be a better term, and a warped one at that.

No, the older man was fairly content to have the argument over with and the kitten trailing after him. Now he could just enjoy F'li... The wandering hand he'd been aware of only in a more intimate fashion than any sort of threat quite suddenly found the slash in his thigh and dug in, producing an immediate flare of temper and a move to backhand the other bluerider. F'ur stopped himself, coming to a stumbling halt and eyeing F'lix with something more than irritation. "What the fuck is your problem?"

A question that seemed to be answered in the next moment...with something that made little sense. Um, yeah. Duh. Everyone and their brother knew he was arrogant. Wasn't it a bit late for F'lix to be protesting that now? But when the stream of other complaints and demands started coming out, the usually patient (only with F'lix, but it still applied) man was rather unwilling to bend. Might have something to do with the blood running down his leg.

"I was fine," he hissed, mostly to keep his voice from rising, "with letting you play your game. Even though I don't think they'd mount a search party to round you up. Secondly, the river is not hot, even in the middle of summer, and if you stop fucking digging around in my leg I won't be bleeding out. And I believe I said you could stay here a little longer. Did Ba'sun break your brain when he hit you? Do I need to say now 'you should go back before morning, F'lix' instead of expecting you to understand an implication a ten-turn-old could understand?" Tugging out a relatively clean cloth, he tied it tight around the newly bleeding thigh. Fingers were not meant to be wiggled around inside you, apparently. Go figure.

The man began walking again. Albeit a little lopsidedly. "I need to get clean so it heals clean. You can come along if you want, but I'm not forcing you." The words came out tightly. "Caravan leaves tomorrow and I have to appear like I'm leaving with it. Either way, if anyone sees us together in the halls or sees me go into your room - and the paranoid certainly love to post random guards for their own amusement - they're going to question why a smelly, grumpy, nearly homeless dragonrider-hating fur trader is with you. I'd rather not get either of us killed right after finding each other again, even if you are bent on making me want to break bones in your face. Ass."

In the middle of his tirade, the tone behind the words had gradually become less biting, even bordering on affectionate at the last...but still not without sting behind them. F'lix was doing a good job of pissing him off tonight. And shard it, why were they fighting anyway?! All F'ur wanted was to be close to F'lix again, and instead they were arguing and...well, whatever that whole thing with the kitten and F'ur's leg had been.

[rii]

Good question.

F'lix's eyes half-lidded as he only partially listened to words. His thumb smeared over the blood on his fingertips as he wondered, feeling a touch horrified at his own actions, what he had been hoping to accomplish. The younger had never been good with expressing himself outside the realm of anger and violence. A turn ago he had gotten better at it, but it seems with F'ur's absence the twisted creature that F'lix had grown into long before he met the Fortian had crawled back into play. One thing was for certain: F'ur didn't like it.

A brow lazily lifted at the reference of a game. The careless phrases and withheld thoughts that oft came out with the heat of anger were almost amusing. F'lix didn't even bother to argue against the words. He saw no point. F'ur wasn't listening. At all. And even though the emotions were neatly being tuck back to the distant corner of his mind, F'lix idly wondered the difference between being spotted at the river together, or in the hallway. What was so different about his efforts of not wanting to do something to endanger the other's life?

F'lix's gaze fell to the dark stains on his fingers and he frowned. They could at least agree on one point: they shouldn't be seen together. The younger briefly settled one last look, a mix of apology and longing, on the man fussing with the bleeding gash. Then, as F'ur turned his back and limped away, F'lix silently slipped back into the darkness of the trees with the sound of F'ur's voice and movements masking over his own. At least F'ur was alive. A small comfort. Sadly.. the broken creature F'lix had become, or always had been, was not what the Fortian had been hoping to find. Food for the brooding thoughts at a later time; for now it was easier to walk away from the muddling emotions.

[Requiem]

Silence wasn't so unusual from F'lix. But he still didn't get too far along before he noticed that the man's presence...A glance back to where they'd been standing when the kitten had grabbed him revealed nothing. Emptiness. F'ur halted. The man reached up, pressed a hand to the side of his neck, felt the blood and mild twinge of pain from the touch. He wasn't going mad. Not seeing ghosts. Or, if he was, he was psychotic enough to be cutting himself in the process, or making that up too in his mind somehow.

Which almost felt better than the truth.

A certain hollowness settled into the pit of his stomach. Left without a word. F'ur turned almost mechanically toward the river. He still needed to bathe. You can come along if you want, but I'm not forcing you. Only he'd never thought that F'lix wouldn't. And it finally dawned on him - more like he'd been trying to ignore the thought - that the turn was too much. Part of him wanted to blame Ja'kin for it but most of him just wanted to see to his wounds and not go near the source of them. The unseen one was the worst. Left without a word. Thinking about it hurt too much, so he didn't.

Terror came to toward the end of the careful bathing. Fortunately. F'ur had gotten wounds wrapped and blood covered. What there was of it. The leg was still bleeding but not too badly. He got rid of the rent clothes and changed into some from his nearby stash. All with the same mindlessness that he comforted the tiny blue. The staff he used to lean on, adjusting his gait so it would take some of his weight while eliminating the limp.

When finally he was settled numbly against the side of one of the carts - the one 'Ari' liked to play his guitar so terribly from - the older man allowed himself to gauge the hollow feeling inside him. F'lix was right. He couldn't be here. They were leaving tomorrow, weren't they? Brushing a finger down Terror's back, he asked the question, gave his permission. The tiny creature left his spot in F'ur's hair and moved through the halls and, though he didn't find the right one right away, he eventually found the room. And Lilitu. Approached her tentatively.

'Micah' wasn't sure what he'd do now. Terror would be back in the morning...unlike others' salamandyrs, F'ur's mindmates didn't choose anyone over him. Or anything. Without anger or hatred to drive him, though - without F'lix - he didn't know what he'd do. The older man's eyes closed. Sleep. That's what he'd do. He'd sleep.

[rii]

No one was seen as F'lix mindlessly walked back to the barren weyr he called his own. His mind strangely silent when any other time the events would have stirred them all into a frenzy. The numbness was all consuming. Not even the coldness of stone beneath his palm registered. Only a half-hearted glance was given to his dozing blue before F'lix slipped into the darkness of his weyr. It was a room like any other, located on the far end of the canyon to be out of the way of the more active residents. His packs and rolled up furs were still next to the table to further suggest he was only spending the night there; resting before returning to the road.

The only thing that suggested the weyr belonged to anyone was the small trunk. Usually kept under the bed and out of sight, F'lix now had it dragged out and opened between his feet. The contents were no mystery to him, small and insignificant as they were to others. They were memories – the good kind. F'lix knew he had precious few of those over the course of his life.

His mind was still a protective blank, but his fingers had a mind of their own as they plucked out the wooden yo-yo. It had been one of the very few items he had managed to save after the take-over. Granted, it had been broken when he found it so it was little wonder why it had been left behind. F'lix had fixed it to the best of his ability, but he didn't know if it worked as it once had. He had never taken the time to figure out how to properly use it. F'lix settled down on the bed with his back against the stone wall. His fingers running over the wooden toy, seeking an unseen comfort from the object as he blankly stared at something unseen.

It wasn't long before he was setting the yo-yo aside and reaching for the small metal apparatus - the inner workings of what had once belonged to a music box. F'lix blood stained fingers carefully moved the parts, winding up the coil of metal to fill the empty weyr with the soft, metallic notes..

Lilitu saw him – or maybe just sensed that another salamandyr had entered her territory. Lilitu had been quick to let it be known to outsiders that she did not like the presence of others in her domain. She had given scars as well as collected her own. This one though, her pale purple-hued brother that carefully neared the shadows of her nook, was not greeted with such direct animosity.

Eyes narrowed, Lilitu's dark body parted from the darkness and closed the distant. An attack didn't happen, instead the green coiled protectively around her clutch brother. Simper's last request had been for her to watch after Terror and how dare Terror go off and get lost on her. She nipped at the blue's frill, though not hard enough to draw ichor. The scolding she hiss at him were affectionate – for her. Shame on him for making her worry. Her tail twined with his. Stay now. Because he wasn't going to be allowed to leave her sight again. Ever.

At the strange tugging at his mind – relief and a rising thrum of unvoiced affection – F'lix eyes slowly came back into focus and slipped over to the direction of his salamandyr. Couldn't see much even by the light of the glows but he didn't need to see to know Terror was there. "Tell him I'm sorry," He murmured toward the lizards as the last notes fell silent. No, F'lix didn't know how to repair the damage done - by his actions and the turn that had chiseled the gap. At least he could let it be known he was sorry - for everything.

Silence, Lilitu opened her venomous green frill at her mindmate in warning. Not time to be sad. Fool. She smoothed her frill back along her neck, moving to lick to top of Terror's head before curving black claws over one of his shoulders. She crooned expectantly at her clutch brother, Right?

[Requiem]

And couldn't sleep.

Scary. Terror trembled. He'd always found Lilitu frightening. (She wanted to eat him, he just knew it!) But it wasn't really the bad scary. Scaries scared away scaries, which was why Terror picked His in the first place. A Scary to protect him from all the others. Since Lilitu hadn't eaten him yet...he felt safe with her, even if she did not look happy to see him.

The blue's quivers stilled at her touch, even if he jumped a bit when she started nibbling on his frill. See? He knew she wanted to eat him. Can't, he responded softly, suppressing another round of quivers, because Lilitu would not be happy. Leave before big light. Go...away. With big rounds. The carts, of course.

Terror's attention turned to Lilitu's, and he shrunk back a little against the green. The one who blooded. Blood was bad. His frills extended, an almost physical representation of the 'mandyr processing the words. Or passing them on. (Not that he needed to. His was always present.) Right, Terror repeated, probably only to appease Lilitu. Those claws would hurt. But he couldn't quite resist adding on the, Maybe.

It was foolish and silly. Therefore it was classic F'ur. An inability to let go, again, or maybe just a need to know for sure. The moons were bright enough that he managed with no more than a small cut to his face. Changed. The pants were the leather of flight leathers, the pair of boots he'd been wearing a turn ago, hair back and cleanshaven. A whim, really, or perhaps something to do with a mind that refused sleep and limbs that refused stillness. He pulled on the loose white shirt and left it unlaced and untucked.

But when he was finished...he hesitated. Did he really want to do this? Hope was such a sadistic thing. The death of it worse. He hesitated until the song and the yo-yo, images and sounds experienced through a Terror who wasn't paying them much attention. Steps were mounted to the ledge where he was just another non-descript rider not using the halls. Too far away for anyone to realize they hadn't seen him before - or had. If they cared to look which they didn't. It was late and eyes were turned inward if at all.

He stepped carefully past Saboth, hearing the words more through Terror than his own ears. F'lix spoke them too softly. F'ur stood just past the entrance to the dragon's couch and the ledge beyond. "For what?" It wasn't a dismissal. Vulnerability, open and visceral in his voice. He needed...to know. The older man crossed the room, sat on the edge of the bed with a certain care not to touch F'lix. Unsure for once. His hands found the yo-yo instead. Turned it over.

"Is this good-bye, then?" Softer still. His eyes came up to search F'lix's face. He didn't know how he could ruin something in the space of five minutes, but blaming Ja'kin or a turn apart didn't explain away the way they'd held each other. If it was dead...he'd killed it. Somehow. But the answer scared him and he pulled F'lix closer, yo-yo still in his hand, kissing the man with a certain amount of desperation. If he'd been ready to let go...he wouldn't be in Selenitas tonight.

[rii]

A touch of crimson whirled into Lilitu's eyes and her claws coiled more tightly over Terror's shoulder. He didn't just tell her that he was going to leave after she had told him stay. Her head cocked to the side as the edges of her frill quivered with suppressed ire. Bigger fool. Why leave, no place more right than here. Belong here. She lifted her head to gaze toward the door, more aware than her mindmates of the approaching human. Didn't Terror realize that he and his had to stay. Can't leave.

Withdrawn into the sanctum of his thoughts, the voice (other than the two salamandyrs) startled him so much the music box fell from his hands to hit the hard floor with a dull twang. Pieces of the music box rolled across the floor but F'lix couldn't tear his eyes away from the darkened doorway. Fear darted through his eyes as at first dread filled him at who could possibly be coming to his weyr at such a late hour. Saboth's tail slid across the ledge, subconsciously growling in his sleep.

F'lix mouth opened to speak but he quickly closed it in fear that he would end up saying something, again, that would somehow make F'ur turn away. Not like he had anything meaningful to say anyway. The numbness still clung to his mind and the height of his intelligence mounted up to comments such as 'You changed' and 'You shaved'. Still thoroughly addled, F'lix merely let his eyes watch F'ur move closer. The gaze slowly dipped to the yo-yo before returning to the older man's face. F'lix didn't even know where or how to start on all the things he was sorry about..

"I don't–" F'lix brow had begun to furrow with the beginning motions of a head shake when he found his response cut short. The kiss similar to the one he had received earlier. F'lix smoothed his fingers through F'ur's hair, careful to not pull it loose. He returned the kiss, slowing the motion down in attempt to quell the other's unspoken distress. "–don't want it to be good-bye."

Albeit, what he wanted and what might be..

"You're leaving in the morning," The statement wasn't anything more than that. A frown began to tug at the corner of F'lix's mouth, but for his weyrmate's sake he tried to shift it into a smile. An unfamiliar motion after a turn, and it quickly waned to leave behind just the faint show of uncertainty. His hand smoothed along the side of F'ur's face, a soft plea finally winning out, "Stay with me tonight?"

[Requiem]

Can't stay, Terror repeated tremulously, licking at her frill in some form of apology. But he responded to F'ur's shift in mood. Can leave, all? All go 'way? Just because they couldn't stay here, didn't mean they couldn't stay together, did it? He crooned softly to Lilitu in another attempt to mollify her before she put holes in him.

F'lix's efforts worked, F'ur relaxing a little and coiling his arms around the younger man. Some of his fears quelling. More when the kitten spoke again. The older man blinked. Leaving. Yes, he'd all but decided he was. But the hand on his cheek distracted him from his response enough to keep him silent through the request. A hand came up to clasp the other bluerider's wrist lightly as he turned his face into the palm. Kissed it.

"Yes." A wan sort of smile was given the kitten. "You...left. Without saying anything." A tentative thread of questioning behind the words, but he released F'lix and moved to crouch and pick up the scattered pieces of the box. He'd seen it before. Couldn't remember if he'd heard it before. Knew for certain that it was part of F'lix's private things and that it was something the younger man had never shared with him, though it clearly meant a lot.

Not that any of that was the reason for picking up the pieces. "I shouldn't have yelled at you." For several moments he tried to put the box back together, only to find it was either too broken or just beyond his comprehension. So instead he returned to the bed, offering it back to F'lix in its broken state almost shyly. "I know. I know you missed me." Softly. "You're my best friend. There was so much...missing. For so long."

His eyes moved up, tracing the contours of F'lix's face. "I've just found you again. I didn't want to be told that I have to leave right after I found you. Even if it's true. I know. I know why you said it, and I know that you're right, and I know it's not easy on you either. But what I know and what I want..." He shook his head slightly. "I said no because I don't want you to get hurt. That's all. I won't stay here, so you won't have to worry."

Fingers slid over F'lix's. "Take Terror and Lilitu with you, when you go. Terror knows how to hide. I know...that you'll come back to me. But still. Humor me? I've lost you before and I'm afraid to again. We can meet at the glade you sent the three of us to. Is that okay?"

[rii]

Not very obedient. Lilitu tapped her claws against Terror's pale hide, a hiss sounding as it looked as if she was about to rip a bit out of her brother. Only, she simply curled more tightly around him, crossing one leg over the other along his back. The crimson fading from her glare. Go where? Where else was there to go besides that horrible cold place she once went with hers or the terribly boring times when they were scouting. If Terror's place was more interesting..

The quiet words and gentle touches did well to disarm F'lix of his earlier apprehension. Quite the change from the man he had been butting heads with out in the jungle only a few candle marks ago. A small voice in F'lix mind said to not trust the ruse. A misplaced doubt, but for one reason or another it kept F'lix's tongue silent. He didn't want to muck up the waters more than he already had. Besides, it was sort of endearing to watch the older man pick up the scattered pieces. Although F'ur had agreed to stay the night, and that kiss spoke of things that F'ur wouldn't show, so their relationship couldn't be nearly as damaged as F'lix thought..

F'lix lifted a hand together to accept the pieces. His expression flinching slightly as he caught a glimpse of the blood now dried around his fingers. "You had reason." It wasn't normal, after all, to tell someone you missed them after digging your fingers into their open wound. There weren't many other ways a person would respond to that. F'lix sank against the wall, eyes falling away from F'ur to instead fixate on the broken music box. He didn't feel that he needed to tote Terror around (if mainly for the fact that he was sure Terror would not like being parted from his Savior), but.. he gave a simple nod to both of F'ur's conditions.

Sure, F'ur might have just been saying everything to smooth things over, but F'lix decided it wasn't worth debating over. All that should matter was that F'ur had come for him. Look what he had done to try and make things right again. That should matter. Cleaned up, shaved, risked being outed - just to be here. F'lix leaned forward to deposit the pieces into the open trunk. Wanted to fix it, but later.. there were more important things at hand.

Said hands found either side of F'ur's face and drew the older man near. The question had been heard, but since they had only a few hours before dawn, why mull over things that were likely to make one or both of them upset? F'lix brushed his thumb alongside the small, clotted shaving knick. A faint smile, unforced, finally appearing. The man really was cute at times. F'lix closed the remaining distance to claim the older man's lips. He pulled back, but not far enough to where he could easily draw F'ur's lower lip through teeth - which he did as he carefully watched the reaction. Both brows raised in silent question.

Talk later?

F'lix would rather just have his weyrmate beside him in the bed. Lying, sleeping – just as long as he could comfortably tangled himself with the man and soak in the comfort of the touch alone.