Shadows of the mess you made~ (Tags K'sel)

[Rei]

The first sensation that came through to Erilena was the slight scratchiness of something against her bare skin, and from there it was the slightly sweet smell of fresh hay. Hay? Barn. Had they really snuck into her parent’s barn yet again? Or was it their own this time? Did Elysia and S’rei still have the kids? What time was it? Furthermore why wasn’t he hopelessly tangled with her like always? Normally Dmitri’s weight was at least partially rested upon her, along with a leg or an arm. Normally when she started to stir he made soft noises of protest. It was a bit confusing how not right things were. Was something wrong? Was he okay? “Puppy?” She murmured softly in question, as if that one word would prompt him to explain why he was not playing human blanket when it was this sharding cold. The greenrider hadn’t bothered to open her eyes yet, and it was still dark besides, so she simply slightly reached out with a hand till she found skin and then scooted that direction. However as the woman started to snug against the person next to her she froze. Not tall enough, and the build and smell of him was all wrong. This wasn’t her husband.

Erilena bolted upright, her hands moving to pointlessly try and cover her chest as she drew her legs up closer to her and blinked in the dim and near nonexistent light coming from a few nearby shielded glows. Some type of animal shifted slightly a stall or so away, it’s rustlings seeming abnormally loud. What in Faranth’s name? It was then that the events started to filter back to her in vague bits and pieces. The strongest memory was of her fear as Feyrianth....Feyrianth had risen. At the gather... The woman remembered now and so this meant that the man next to her belonged to whatever dragon had managed to catch Feyrianth. At least more than likely anyway. The woman bit back the groan that wanted to spring from her throat. Oh shards and shells.

Her next thought was that Dmitri was going to be so upset with her. Not necessarily because she had slept with someone else. Erilena couldn’t help that part and he would know that. He had similar incidents with Dementia and Dmisk after all. (She never blamed him but she sure as hell made sure she reclaimed what was hers afterwards) What she was afraid of was of all the holds it had to be Fort, and he was a harper. And oh Faranth hadn’t he just introduced her to some people the other day? As if this wouldn’t put some type of a mar on his career in some way, and it was her fault and S’rei…she hadn’t thought of what his reaction would be and…just...fucking hell. Could this possibly get worse? It was about then that the figure beside her started to stir and Erilena realized that he probably had actually been awake for some time. Possibly watching her. Whoops.

A large part of her wanted to just curl up and hide then. Or run. The greenrider didn’t want to face this man. It was terribly awkward and she had never been comfortable with things like this to begin with. Casual sex with random people being okay was just not hardwired in her at all. She was not weyrborn or raised. It felt a little like betrayal to her. Certainly awkward. It was part of why Erilena locked herself away with Dmitri in all her flights. But, she didn’t want this man to think she thought he had raped her or something. It was just that it was so awkward and…her mind wasn’t working right then. Why did they not give you advice on how to handle this sort of thing in weyrling lessons? Or did they? It had been so long ago she just didn’t remember. To be honest if they had she had been so nerve wracked at that time that she probably hadn’t listened well. “Uh. I…I..” She finally managed to stutter only to then realize that the figure next to her seemed a bit familiar. Oh no she didn’t...

A sudden spark of awareness from Feyrianth carried with it an underlying feeling of pain and soreness and Erilena frowned slightly only to then cover her face with her hands as she caught a glimpse through the bond of just who her dragon was sprawled and tangled with, Pettahth. Oh yes she had, did. Meaning that yep, Erilena had just slept with her self-claimed adoptive brother. Remember when she was asking how this could possibly get any worse? Yep she hadn’t wanted an answer thanks.

Feyrianth however seemed almost completely at ease with things. The green instinctively knew that if she acted upset about events was well hers would just get worse. Besides…Feyrianth wasn’t really upset at all. She was sore from her exertions and struggle yes. But not upset. Her shallow wounds ached a little as well of course, but Ismaroth’s had already seen to them at her request and had stitched up the deepest of them. All in all the green was bruised and a little battered but alive and happy enough with her current mate. In response to that thought she nuzzled the brown who was so snuggly draped on her again and crooned affectionately to him. Please tell yours not to worry. Lenamine is not really upset about him she just is doing the thinking too much thing again. One whirling eye regarded the male she was sprawled with lazily. I do not plan to move anytime soon. She added as her muzzle traced affectionately along his neck. Not planning to move at all.

Feyrianth rarely got to see Pettahth as it was. She wanted to enjoy lying with him as her mate for a while longer. It seemed terribly unfair that they would have to go back home to separate places. It could be awhile until she saw him again and that fact made her sad. Could anyone really blame her for wanting to absorb as much contact and time with him as she could before their inevitable parting? He was hers for a time. And she wanted to soak it in.

[Lotty]

Fucking hay, man. He felt it weave into his hair, poke into his skin, bristle him completely the wrong way. Needless to say, he was not a fan, and at first, he couldn't even begin to fathom why he was laying in it. It hadn't been in the plans… how had a nice night of ice mazes and silly gather performances turned into this? K'sel was momentarily concerned that his drinking habits were reaching a new low. Indulging enough that he'd blacked out picking up the wine in the first place? Could even such a thing be possible? How would Nephele even sanction such a thing? They had come together to the damn place on… Pettahth… He was picking this all up much quicker than his counterpart had, and he stilled in his place as he filled in the holes that were so conveniently dug up by the Sandman's hand. Nuoth had risen, he knew that, and he wanted to giggle so mischievously at the thought of Nephele and he running off into some holder's barn, but that voice caressing his ears…

That was not his weyrmate.

He knew his weyrmate. He had seen the top of the proverbial mountain with her. He knew Neph's laughs as well as her grumbles and the very timbre of her morning greetings. He even know the hot burn of her eyes resting upon his neck… even if he had mistaken the word "puppy" for some reference to their four legged pet, the warm quality of her gaze on him was missing. The feel of the skin that reached over to touch his, it was off...

Of course it would be.

How silly of him to think that there would ever be a constant in his life. He must truly be some optimistic fool.

His thoughts swished around on uneasy waters. Feyrianth had risen too, and Pettahth had caught. Horrible, stubborn, beast. You love me always anyway. The brown was currently benefiting from powers beyond K'sel's control, and as more memories floated to the surface he found worthy distractions with which to focus his attention. Namely that his every muscle on the verge of some cruel Charley horse, as well as a cut where C'loy's knife had bit through his clothes and scratched the skin. Then there was the most immediate situation of them all: The Case of Erilena. The crackling stutter that he regarded from behind him wasn't doing anything to soothe his fears either. He could only imagine how the greenrider was going to react. He… he was more concerned about how awkward the dragonledge might be in the coming days. Erilena was too human, and entwined herself so deeply with faithfulness, and love, and happy marriages. That was just the surface. What about the fact that it was him of all people. Even K'sel for all of his hedonistic ways could see the taboo in even their fake familial connections being tarnished. He was way better at rationalizing these things though.

Finally he shifted to turn and regard the woman next to him, rolling over to his side and trying to appear as unconcerned as humanly possible. There was no point int making this any more awkward than it needed to be, and Pettahth was telephoning in to him that he needed not worry anyway. Feyrianth was apparently stressing the fact. Peering up he settled on some kind of humor - or at least what he considered to be funny - and said, "You know… I know the North does no favors for my tan, but you look like you've just seen a ghost." He smiled then, pushing his body up to sit easy. Seriously he became concerned about her attempts to hide herself, and tried to commiserate as best he could by lifting a pile of hay and setting it neatly over his crotch. It was going to have to do in lieu of fig leaves.

"So uh… are you ok?" Because that horrified look on her face wasn't doing a thing for his ego. Did he have a hunchback or something?

Pettahth was mostly oblivious to his rider and the majority of surroundings. He was simply too exhausted from the entire experience, and he couldn't imagine getting up for a good long time. If he could get away with it, he'd lay there sprawled out over Feyrianth for the rest of the day. The brown felt like it was a great pain to even flinch, and it was in that moment that he knew he would never be so silly as to try and chase two greens at once. It was like flying the most grueling Threadfall only to immediately go to battle after wards. He was definitely paying for it now, and he sighed heavily, letting his breath draw out in front of them both. That is fortunate. I do not think that I could dare get up if I wanted to. Sooooo tired. So tired that he was not even sure how well he could take on conversation. That after all took quite a bit of work.

[Rei]

Erilena wasn’t quite sure how to react when K’sel spoke. At first she blinked a bit owlishly at him, her nerves still a bit on edge. Was she really that pale? The woman’s gaze moved from him briefly and traveled down her own body. She tried to ignore how very naked she was but yes she supposed she was also quite pale, except for a small bruise on her arm from where someone had grabbed her? Wrinkling her nose slightly at the mark Erilena then raised her head just in time to watch K’sel pick up a chunk of hay and drop it neatly on his crotch. That along with his question asking after her did it. She didn’t know why or how but a small bout of laughter bubbled up from her throat and she couldn’t stop it. Thankfully it didn’t last long and she covered her mouth with her hand after the initial outburst to try and stop it from getting worse. Honestly the greenrider wasn’t laughing at him just at the sheer ridiculousness of the action and situation along with the fact that she didn’t know what else to do. It was better than suddenly hysterically crying right?

Taking in a few deep breaths of air, in an attempt to compose herself, Erilena gestured to the hay lying in K’sel’s lap. She was trying to explain her laughter without words because she didn’t trust herself to open her mouth again just yet. It really didn’t occur to her till after the gesture completed that he might take that as her laughing at his er…endowment. Whoops. A bright blush lit up the woman’s face when the thought finally occurred to her and she finally spoke even if it was far too fast and a bit jumbled. “I’m not laughing at you, or your parts…just the hay there… and everything is a mess, and we’re naked in a barn and... oh faranth…I just…. I should probably shut up.” It was right then, now that they weren’t really sharing any body heat anymore, that she finally noticed how sharding cold it was. Erilena shivered noticeably, her eyes briefly casting about to try and find her clothes, thoughts of keeping herself covered in front of the brownrider were mostly forgotten. It had been an impulsive and protective reaction borne of her initial nervousness anyway and now that she had time to better think it really seemed pointless. He had already seen, and probably touched, all there was to see.

Still at a loss to where all their clothes were, but figuring they had to be somewhere nearby, her gaze flicked back to K’sel. Erilena still hadn’t really answered his question and she decided it was better to do so late then leave him wondering about why she never said anything. Her voice was thankfully pretty steady and normal when she finally did speak. “I’m okay I think? Not really hurt at all. I think you gave me a hicky or something though.” Wrinkling her nose at him her hand moved to rub at a red mark on the side of her neck. He had either sucked a little too hard or also used his teeth. Not that she could really blame him for it. The end result of flights tended to be wild and rough, a bit more animal like then was really normal outside of their influence. Her face still a bit flushed, the greenrider dropped her hand from the mark and kept her gaze on K’sel’s face. “What about you? Are you okay?” She briefly paused before adding. “Furthermore do you see our clothes anywhere or am I just blind?” This would certainly probably be a little less awkward, and definitely less freezing, once they had some sort of covering besides just hay over his crotch. Or so she hoped.

Feyrianth rumbled softly in answer to Pettahth’s response, the noise resembling the purr of a massive contented feline. Shifting slightly beneath the small brown, to ease them both into a more comfortable position, the green half lidded her eyes. I am tired as well. A nap sounds more than wonderful I think. As she spoke the female’s tail curled around him companionably, her eyes completely lidding as she nuzzled him again and sighed deeply. As long as Pettahth stayed right where he was she was far from complaining about how they spent what time they did have together. Besides she had to admit that moving too much did feel and sound like a bad idea currently.

[Lotty]

His entire face seemed to pucker, with his upper lip curling in clear distaste and his expression absolutely sour. Teach him to show any consideration ever again. For all of his desires to hear her laugh as opposed to cry, he didn't want her to do so at his expense. Nobody ever did, but K'sel especially was wounded by attacks upon his already fragile ego. It was a fact that had never changed, for as safely guarded he was there was no armor or cries of apathy that would prevent him from internalizing this in the future. He'd bite his tongue, he'd glower, but the open legion on his being was left to just fester as he tried to relax his face and appear as controlled and unaffected. The brownrider even took the moment to run his hands over his own arms to try and summon some warmth back into them, though the action probably cast him again in that childish light that left him looking lost, orphaned, and awkward as opposed to cool and relaxed.

"I see…" it wasn't that he was completely unaware of the ridiculousness of the situation, he had subconsciously set himself up for it, seeing the importance that Erilena be laughing at anything at all. There had to be after all a degree of comfort to be taken in the fact that she was choosing to snicker so at him when she very well could have been sobbing in the presence of any other. What if, after all, she had awoken as the unwilling captive of her bronzerider suitor? Yet cynicism was blinding him, turning his head down at the hay around them as opposed to Erilena's eyes.

"A hickey?" His eyes pulled back up and took a skeptical look through the relative darkness, "Sorry about that…" though he wasn't sure there was a use in apologizing. In fact had it been anybody else he might have shot back, but here he was with this girl… this woman he handled like porcelain glass and viewed in a rosy haze as a surrogate for something he didn't have. Besides she really didn't answer the question. He didn't want to know about physical injury, it was the emotional toll, but then maybe it was presumptuous to think that she would open up to him. It was all very odd to say the least, yet he tried in earnest to make light of it all, "Well, you girls have your powder right? I'm sure you can cover it up no problem. I might even need to borrow it." He traced his hands along his body, rubbing at sore spots here and there before trailing again along a dried scab, "I caught the very tip of one of Loverboy's blades. Look at you, causing scuffles between men… anyway just another one for the collection I suppose." He exaggerated though, he doubted that it would even scar.

He considered quietly the concept of clothes, noting little piles of this and that falling in a trail to the spot they had picked right there. Had it been a bit brighter he would have left his firelizards to take care of the clothes collecting himself, but instead Mojo was summoned and expertly guided to the islands of cloth that were scattered about the barn. Large for even a bronze at least he could handle most garments, though his affinity for Erilena and tricks alike meant that more often than not he was retrieving her pieces as opposed to his bonded's. "I've got your best buddy on the case," K'sel drawled out in his sarcastic drone, reaching up at that exact moment to receive one of the pieces Mojo had flickered in from between with. The greenrider's panties no less, and in a clinical manner, he pinched the lacy underthings in between his fingertips and held it out to her, "I believe these are yours ma'am."

[Rei]

Now Erilena might oftentimes be described as just a bit oblivious in nature to how her actions affected others. And really this time it was no different. But, she was not ever quite oblivious enough to ignore the obvious reactions her actions caused. In fact this was oftentimes her wake up call to such things. K’sel’s sour expression, the way he rubbed his arms and avoided her gaze, those were pretty much like a wake up slap to the face. Yes she was nervous, yes she was scared, she felt like she had just cheated on Dmitri, even felt a bit dirty and ashamed because of what her mind was telling her. But that gave her no excuse to hurt someone else, to make someone else feel as if he had also done something wrong.

The honest truth was that K’sel couldn’t help that Pettahth had caught Feyrianth and his obvious awkward and almost upset reactions to her actions only made it obvious to Erilena that she really had zero idea on how to deal with the situation she found herself suddenly thrust into. It made her feel a whole jumble of emotions. Shame and disgust for herself the most present among them. How was it right that she kept upsetting all these people? How was it right that she made him feel like crap just because she herself was upset? The greenrider dropped her gaze to the hay surrounding them and fought the urge to tear up as she took a few breaths to compose herself. The last thing Erilena wanted was to break down on K’sel now. That wasn’t going to make anything better. Maybe she should just tell him what she was thinking?

When the brownrider started expounding about the mark he had left on her, and even tried to make light of it, the woman simply bit her lip. It was obvious that he was trying hard to be normal for her despite what he might be feeling. Vintage K’sel. He really didn’t deserve her awkward fumbles. He was still her self-claimed adoptive brother, one of her closest friends, and even now sought to protect her in some way. He wouldn’t hurt her. He would never hurt her. It was only when he joked about maybe needing her powder himself that Erilena looked up the emotion in her eyes predominantly concern, though her inner turmoil was hard to hide when she felt as exposed as she did. What? Loverboy’s blades? Had they honestly tried to fight over her? Erilena herself didn’t remember much and though she would have asked Feyrianth to explain normally the green was fast asleep. The brownrider’s words seemed to confirm her thought though and she really couldn’t help it. The woman’s eyes started to roam K’sel’s body, trying to find this injury he was talking about while also ignoring the fact that he was still naked. Logic told her that it couldn’t be too bad considering he wasn’t acting all that pained but a wound was a wound.

As busy as Erilena was with her examination of K’sel she failed to notice Mojo flitting about. Had she the woman would no doubt have praised and thanked him profusely. As it was she was too concerned about finding this wound to worry more about her clothes and in the dim lighting it was hard to tell what was what with the brownrider a bit further away now. As the greenrider scooted closer to him K’sel suddenly was waving her lacy panties in her face and she flushed brightly again before snatching them from him and simply tossing them over her shoulder. Didn’t really want to think about her lack of panties and what that meant right now thank you very much. Half crawling closer her eyes finally found what she thought was the mark he was talking about. Her hands immediately went to his chest, her fingers gently prodding at the skin around the wound just below his left collarbone, feeling for heat that might indicate the start of infection as well as to gauge just how deep or severe the wound was.

Thankfully it didn’t seem to be much more then surface in nature. Thank Faranth. Shivering slightly Erilena glanced up at K’sel her eyes betraying just how emotionally jumbled she felt at the moment. “I’m sorry for laughing. And I know it’s not your fault. I do. I just…I feel like I just did something terrible. I don’t know how else to explain it. Please don’t be upset. I promise it’s not you.” Her voice trailed off into a bit of an unsure whisper as she spoke her eyes blinking to keep the tears back. Didn’t want to cry. Wouldn’t cry. She just wanted him to know that she didn’t think he was...wrong or disgusting or something.

[Lotty]

Erilena was a fascinating mix of conflicting morals. He wasn't much of a mindhealer, but he was an expert observer (and judge) of character, and to this day even the woman seemed to wiggle past definition every time he thought he had a finger on her. Take for instance this sudden change in behavior. She was all about gathering her clothes - and he didn't blame her, it was a bit chilly - just a few moments ago, but now she was forgoing the offer of her underthings back in favor of scooting closer despite their shared nudity.

Apparently his wound was a priority now, and he allowed her then to poke and prod as Mojo continued fetching their lighter clothes and leaving them in piles at their feet. Of course, he wasn't always a purely charitable creature, there had to be some sort of amusement in there for him as well, and so socks were mismatched and K'sel's undershirt might have been traded for Erilena's breastband, but otherwise things were all in good order. K'sel need only worry about the woman whose hand was still trailing against his skin, and whose eyes suddenly looked up to meet his. He tried not to stare back, but he was a prying person, who wanted to see to the inside, to see her every thought as it came through, and his sight was then locked with hers. What she was saying was barely understood… he didn't need the words anyway since he read her blinks, the tone of her whisper voice, the way her eyes seemed to pool with moisture.

He realized, as he reached forward to cup her face in his hands, that she needed to just let go, "Don't think. Don't speak. Just listen for a moment."

He tilted his head so that his forehead butted against hers before continuing, "You did nothing terrible. This holdergirl guilt has to go away. There is no place for it as long as you have Fey," this whole business with the crafters away in the holds, it wasn't helping things clearly, but neither did her getting joined in the first place. He had never approved of that move, but he let off the happiness for it anyway as not to appear petty or jealous. He didn't like interfering with people's lives anyway, "You're fortunate that it is me you woke up with. You could probably stab me in the eye…literally or figuratively and I wouldn't have done much more than mope… which I do one way or another. Someone else though…" he stopped then, clearly frustrated with himself more than anything, and pulled away from the woman before they became too unbearably close, "I'm not your father though, I'm not even your real brother. You have those things in your life again. I have no right to lecture you on this."

"I know you didn't mean any harm…" his hands came up to brace the sides of his own face for a change as he attempted to rub away his expression. Why was he so dumb? Why did he say this? He wasn't going to reason her to his position, and it was futile to try, "Nevermind. I'm an asshole, don't listen to me."

[Rei]

Erilena stilled when K’sel’s eyes met hers and she would have forced a smile probably if she didn’t know it was utterly pointless. She could tell that he was still upset and she couldn’t blame him. She almost uttered another apology but the words never left her lips because suddenly his hands were cupping her face and he was speaking. The earnest tone to his utterance insured that his requests were obeyed. The greenrider fell completely silent and tried not to overanalyze or worry about what he was going to say, tried just to listen as he had asked. Her eyes closed as the brownrider’s forehead pressed to hers and her breathing evened as she waited for him to speak. Erilena had expected to feel nervous about it. Worried but she was neither of those things at the moment instead in the quiet that followed with his forehead pressed to hers she instead felt strangely reassured. Comforted. For the moment anyway.

When K’sel finally did begin to speak Erilena simply listened, absorbed his words. It was hard not to anyway when he was this close to her. The words he spoke were hardly anything completely new. She had been told such things before as a weyrling. But perhaps it was the way he spoke, perhaps it was that she was older and more willing to listen, perhaps it was the strong sense of guilt she still felt, but whatever it was they sunk in a little deeper and her eyes fluttered open to regard him. The guilt was still there, hadn’t gone away but had shifted flavor there was also a sense of regret that she was putting him through such a thing, perhaps a bit of fear as well. Because he was right. She was lucky that it was him she had awoken with. Really it might have been fine if it had been M’ta as well, maybe, but anyone else?

When he pulled back Erilena rubbed a wrist lightly across her eyes and tried to find her voice. She knew she had to say something. Had to attempt to reassure him, because he wasn’t wrong. He shouldn’t have to feel like an asshole when he wasn’t one. The way he tried to rub away the expression on his face, the heavy emotion in the air, all of it. She wanted to sweep it away, just wasn’t sure how. Finally the woman found her voice and though there was the slightest waver to it in the beginning it evened itself out as she continued. “No. You’re not wrong. You’re not an asshole either.” Reaching out Erilena grabbed her pile of clothes and pulled them into her lap. “Part of it is my family you know.” She admitted quietly. “Not all of it. But when my brother Lenick realized that I didn’t participate in her flights if I could help it he said he was glad I was not a whore like other greenriders.”

Her gaze flicked back to K’sel. “And I love my father but he’s very…traditional. He all but ignored the fact that Dmitri and I were involved before we got joined, like he couldn’t acknowledge it. And my mother? I love her but she still doesn’t approve of how I am raising my children.” Once she had started the greenrider pushed onwards without really giving K’sel time to interrupt. It was like she had to somehow get all that off her chest now that she had uttered it. “I still miss the weyr sometimes you know. The freedom mostly. But I don’t live there anymore now. I…I guess sometimes it’s hard to find a balance between both. Cause I’m not really a holder, but I’m not really a rider now either. I’m stuck somewhere between both. I think maybe in my mind I’ve always been there. Not really one but not really the other either. Now it’s just physically true as well as mentally.”

With that Erilena started to get dressed pulling on her panties and then donning her shirt before shaking her hair out of her face. “You may not be my real brother K’sel. But you know far more about me then my blood one does. He knows the old Erilena. The one from before I impressed Feyrianth and though I do love him it’s like he can’t see past what I was then to what I am now sometimes. I know you’re right and I know I shouldn’t feel this guilt. I’m just not sure how I can make it go away. And I’m sorry for hurting you with it.” That was the honest truth of the matter. She knew she shouldn’t feel it but it was still there. Maybe she just…had to learn to deal with it. Her eyes flicked back towards the brownrider again then. Wishing that she could do at least one thing right. So that she didn’t cause him more upset then she already had. He didn’t deserve that. Not at all.

[Lotty]

As Erilena talked, K'sel began to slip his clothes back on, underwear first. Yet, still he was an avid listener, taking in her words even as he grimaced at the disappearance of his undershirt. Sharding, Mojo... the bronze knew that he would protest the scratchy fabric of a sweater directly on his skin, and upon finding the woman's bra in his own pile paused, "Excuse..." stretched over to the woman's lap to briefly start digging through his friend's pile to swap it out for his out garment. While strewn out and precariously balanced as to avoid falling face first into her legs, the brownrider looked over at the greenrider as she was deep into her explanation, and looking ever so vexed by the very things she was saying, but he didn't interrupt then.

He didn't intercede a moment later either when he finally pulled his shirt out and dropped her bra into the correct location. Just merely continued his silence, as he pulled the clothing right on over his head and smoothed the hair that was furthered ruffled by it's collar. It was reassuring, if nothing else, to at least have the foundations of good dress on, as he was relieved of the awkward potential that any number of people could have walked in on them in the nude. The others from the flight after all, could very well be in the very same confines as they... not to mention any various number of holders, coming to fetch their runners. Still, it was possibility that was considered more for the woman's sake, and not his own. Though, he could only be charitable with his emotions for so long, and he was starting to feel stifled by what he considered to be another barrage of excuses. He had given her the floor, but it was his turn again.

"Your brother is an idiot..." K'sel nearly barked, when Erilena finished, traces of venom creeping into the rough edges of his voice. Maybe it was better after all that he had never met her family. She certainly wasn't painting a very pretty picture of them, and he started to consider that she had grown some kind of sympathy for her captors that called themselves her blood. Another delusional victim of Stockholm Syndrome. These people, these little pious pricks were willing to point fingers from the safety of their cloistered holes... suggest by proxy that his own weyrmate was some kind of degenerate for what her dragon did, and in that same breath he could only imagine was they would say about him... what they would say about his kid... and about the long line of whores and bastards he apparently descended from. The chip in his shoulder was showing, and left open wide with a glaring bright red wound. He wondered if it was worth it to even hide it.

His lips had long folded into an ever sinking frown, yet his voice softened as he belayed his cruelty, reserving it for more guilty outlets, "I understand loving your family. I really do. I miss my mother and my brother... and my father. None of them are or were perfect people. But how old are you Erilena?" It was a mostly rhetorical question. She was not much younger than he and he knew it. He was almost thirty... well twenty nine. Still a person in his own right, with his own life, and his own family to attend to, "There will come a day when you look back and you realize you wasted a good deal of your life... the best part of your life... worrying over making everyone else happy, but at some point you need to pay yourself. You're a big girl. It is the perfect time to start practicing independence now... and if they don't like that... fuck'em."

But he didn't have an answer to all of her problems. The strife between the weyr and the hold. He simply couldn't relate and he didn't know if he ever would. As easy as it would be to just tell her that the weyr had always welcomed her, and that he especially saw her for what she was and not some extension of her original home, he knew that it wasn't going to exactly be compelling for her. There was a lot she was clearly chewing on right now. It was best not to complicate what he had meant to be a simple thing. Besides, he was fully skeptical that she took heed in what he said. She was too likely to go home, see her husband walk in the door with her brother in tow, and throw away the ramblings of some lunatic brownrider. He knew he would.

"I appreciate the sentiment. But for all the little your blood knows about you, you certainly give them far more credence than you ever did me," he laughed at himself in slight disbelief, "I don't think you've taken a bit of my advice to your heart in your life, but that's ok. Really," even if she apparently played Simon says with Lenick. He picked up his sweater then, too loose and baggy to really be made for him - Marina always imagined her son to be something more statuesque when knitting the close weave - and slipped it on before grabbing for his pants, "The guilt? The only way to make it go away is to get a big case of 'Fuck It'. I think you used to have it too... it shouldn't be too hard to reclaim." He was challenging her then. He knew a girl that went dancing at night despite the danger of felines, who talked to strange hobos, who sneaked into weyrs to shave the beards off of brownriders. Maybe he had changed too, but he wasn't settling into a lifetime of mere content without a fight.

[Rei]

Well she had certainly obviously said the wrong things. That was made apparent to Erilena at the first sentence that K’sel barked out and the woman actually flinched. Thankfully most of the reaction should be hidden due to the gloom but she couldn’t help but feel a bit like she was being scolded like a small child. And part of her even held a spark of anger that he had outright called her brother an idiot. Even if that was true, (And really to an extent it was. Her brother was quite the character.), she didn’t see why he thought that he had any right to insult him when he didn’t even know him. What this was coming down to in the end seemed the differences in their upbringing. K’sel had been born and raised weyrbred. Erilena hadn’t left the hold until she was nearly eighteen. Her views on things had been solidified as had his. And this was the core problem between the holds and the weyrs, the inability to reach understanding on certain points, The difference in morals and accepted proper behavior in general. Neither side was really wrong. But it made it just that much more difficult for them to compromise as well.

The greenrider’s eyes flicked back to his face when he asked about her age but she stayed silent knowing that the question was not meant to be answered. She wished desperately that she could just connect to him like she did to Feyrianth. That he could just pull what she was feeling and thinking out of the air. So he could understand. Erilena knew she was not always great at communication. She said the wrong things or simply just couldn’t find the words to express correctly what she was feeling. Even with this now she was failing. Part of what K’sel was saying was true though, she did spend a lot of time making sure that the people around her were happy. But that was who she was. Her kids, Dmitri, Feyrianth, their happiness was far more important to her than anything else. It always had been thus. That didn’t mean she completely ignored herself but they certainly nearly always came first. And anything less than that seemed…far too selfish to her. And she did do things for herself on the occasion, asked Dmitri for things as well. It was an odd balance she always strove to maintain.

Maybe she was misunderstanding what the brownrider was trying to get at? It was possible. No, maybe she shouldn’t care so much what her family thought sometimes that was true. She certainly did try to mostly ignore her mother when it came to her children. But Erilena herself never had enjoyed or liked flights either. They scared her. They always had scared her. She never had been comfortable with even the thought of sleeping with random strangers, let alone actually doing it. It happened because of Feyrianth and she couldn’t prevent it obviously. But she just couldn’t quite come to a place where it felt okay to her. Perhaps it was the fact that her view of sex and love were so closely tied, or maybe it was something different. Whatever it was, it was obvious that she was going to have to figure it out and try and deal with it in some fashion. All it seemed to keep doing was causing those around her grief.

The greenrider finished getting dressed and her eyes flicked back to K’sel’s face. She couldn’t quite help feeling like he was angry with her. That he was, in a sense, disowning her. His words seemed to hint at something like that anyway. Couldn’t deny that that hurt, badly. Erilena blinked to clear her eyes and tried to stop them from refilling. When he had finished she lifted her eyes to meet his and then spoke. “You should blame me for this whole mess. You know no matter what they have ever said to me the truth is I feel this way because of me not anything they said. Dmitri only closes himself with me because I practically begged him too. Not because he thinks it’s a good idea.”

As for her family? Well they were holders. No holder understood the concept of flights really. They couldn’t because they had never been bonded. It wasn’t something you could just explain and expect them to understand. “I can’t just say fuck it when I’m terrified K’sel. I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. I don’t want them to touch me afterwards. I don’t want to cuddle. I don’t want to want anyone else or love anyone else. I have to because of Feyrianth but I can’t just suddenly enjoy it when I don’t.” She paused then and shook her head. “It’s not just guilt for sleeping with someone other than my husband. That is there a little bit. But the major problem is…that I’m scared. I’m not comfortable.” She dipped her head then. “I’m sorry. I know you’re disappointed in me. But I don’t know how to suddenly like these things. I half wish I did. Then maybe you all wouldn’t get so upset with me.”

She bit her lip almost hard enough to draw blood before she spoke the next question, half worried that he was going to continue to be disgusted with her. “How do you keep from being scared? Do you like sleeping with people other than Nephele?” There was no accusation in her tone, just honest curiosity. How did he himself deal with flights? Then again…Pettahth didn’t really chase besides Nuoth did he? K’sel didn’t have a dragon like Feyrianth who refused to settle, who loved just about everyone. To varying degrees true. The green did have her favorites, but the chances of her ever picking a permanent mate were slim to none. Which meant that Erilena, by default, would be forced to sleep with numerous partners. Some of which, like C’loy, might not be exactly the sweetest. That was what she was most afraid of in truth. Not the flight itself but the goings on after.

[Lotty]

He didn't even think it was possible to be so frustrated. K'sel suddenly felt like he wasn't speaking with this woman so much as flogging a dead horse who had just collapsed two stalls down. One moment she was telling him she felt guilty and terrible. The next that she was scared and panicked. In either case it supposedly wasn't his fault, but if that was so… if he wasn't the arbiter of this debacle and instead some kind of saint, then why was she acting so strangely? How did he become a super villain? Why did she feel the need to cry or be a victim in all of this? Why couldn't they have both laughed this all off? The whole exercise really had him blindingly angry, and his sights couldn't even steady enough to see straight. Putting his fingers to his temples, he felt his body slump as he left himself fall back to be propped by a wooden stall, and slipped down until he was sitting on his behind again. The man felt the budding of a migraine of the worst kind, one brought on by a silent rage that was storming through him.

He was hurt, and ignored, and incredibly pissed off.

The worst part though, was that he wasn't allowed to express it. He wasn't angry at her per say, but an amalgamation of things, and every time they exchanged words it seemed that this feeling only became worse… yet at the same time he couldn't help but always try and get the last word in. It was a curse.

Huffing at another mention of Dmitri (He didn't care about the guy, and he got the message loud and clear by now… she loved him. Fantastic, did she want a damn medal?) his eyes opened, looking a bit blurred and rabid red, a tad more canine than man; all stressed and tired from the distress that his pounding heart was putting on his head. He wasn't made for these kinds of interactions, he knew it, and he understood now why he had been such a loner as a child. He had always been meticulous about choosing the people he surrounded himself with for a reason. One could never be too careful or suspicious that they would abandon him for bigger and better things. Her words (As well as her silences, she hadn't denied that she didn't listen to him did she?) were confirming his own personal fear that he was being stranded and left alone… and now he was feeling like he should never venture to make another friend again.

Do you like sleeping with people other than Nephele?

What kind of question was that? An unfair one if nothing else; there was absolutely no way to respond to that and not come out the loser. He could either be the deviant freak who enjoyed wild meaningless sex or the hypocrite that expected more out of Erilena than he did out of himself. He was neither. He was more complicated than that, but didn't dare explain. Swallowing he replied finally, "That is a loaded question."

He didn't even dignify it with an answer so much as the simple fact, "I love Nephele," just in case she had forgotten that she was not the only one who got to feel as bad as she did. Sure, he didn't throw the term around as easily, but stubbornly he adored the woman, and deserved to be every bit as difficult about this situation in which he had awoken with another. Nephele had been the reason his heart had softened, the way he had survived his exile into the wilderness… the list could go on and on.

"Who ever said that I am not afraid? We are all a little bit afraid. That's what keeps us all alive. Believe me, in that brief moment, before I was all dragon, there was nobody on the planet that was more scared by the sight of those two greens in the sky at the same time. Nobody. I can promise you that," he hated being confessional. This confessional anyway. Nothing good ever came from it, "You don't have to be alone in this feeling. Other people have it too. It's about as unique as dying," he nearly gasped then, knowing he probably said something wrong again. He was never good at self censoring, and could only ramble on to cover up his harsher ideas with the more soothing notions, "I don't have the luxury of letting it win. It was part of the deal when I Impressed. I do it for the love of Pettahth. So I give myself up to the flight, and let myself do some stupid things," he pointed at where his cut was underneath his clothes, "some of them are more worthy stupid things than others… but in the morning, no matter who it is next to me. I treat them with all the respect that is owed to someone who hours ago most likely felt the exact same way as me."

"So what is the problem here? Right now. You told me this wasn't my fault, but you keep changing your story. Are you afraid of me? Do I make you uncomfortable? Make your skin squirm?" He quieted his voice a little bit as a thought crossed his head, "Or is it something even worse. Are you afraid that if you showed me some simple kindness, that I'd want more from you? That I want to steal you away and take advantage of you?"

He wanted no such thing.

"I never in my wildest dreams imagined that Pettahth winning this flight would end up like this. I had imagined something far more laughable and whimsical. Instead I am afraid you want to leave, and forget about me, and never think of me again."

[Rei]

This really wasn’t going well at all. Erilena could tell that by K’sel’s expression and his reactions. She wanted nothing more than to fix it. Or if she couldn’t to find somewhere to curl up and cry. She had rapidly lost control of the entire situation and she wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. And to top things off there was this bitter cold feeling that was creeping its way up her spine. It was all her fault and he was going to hate her now. The feeling whispered into her mind. He was going to leave because she was being selfish and couldn’t communicate like a normal person. It was fear that kept her body frozen, her eyes misty, and her chest rising and falling in rapid breath.

Loaded question? It seemed like a simple one to her. He either didn’t mind it or he did. Maybe she was looking at it from a different perspective? Because the greenrider certainly didn’t mean anything in the way of blame, or scorn. Nor was she judging. Maybe she should just shut up and stop trying? Because it was obvious that she couldn’t explain herself well, no matter how hard she was trying. And Erilena was trying. Maybe that was the problem. She was trying too hard to explain what she felt instead of just listening to what the brownrider himself was trying to say. She was too concerned with making sense of her own feelings to see beyond them.

When he remarked that he loved Nephele the greenrider simply dropped her gaze to the hay strewn floor in front of her and gave a small nod. Well that was obvious. She knew K’sel loved her best friend. He had proved that and on top of that he had a family with her. They were adorable together and it made Erilena herself happy to see them so happy. But that didn’t answer her question. How could he have sex with another person and not feel guilty about it? Weren’t you only supposed to do that with the person you loved? Yes it was a young and perhaps even childish thought but the woman couldn’t shake it. Certain things had been imprinted on her and changing them was…a project in and of itself. Her eyes flicked back to K’sel only when he spoke again.

Erilena listened and when the more harsh comment came she physically flinched as if struck but her eyes didn’t leave his face. There was a certainly pained quality to her expression but she didn’t dare utter a word until he was finished. To be honest she wasn’t sure what to say anyway. To any of it. The words turned over and over in her head but they didn’t change the way she felt. It didn’t change that she was upset and hurting and had no idea how to communicate the whys of any of it. How did she make him understand? How did she make anyone understand? She’d never found the words and they all had just accepted it as a quirk, had just learned how to deal with it without judging. Or at least not judging her to her face she supposed.

So in the end she braced herself for what she sure was going to be a rejection and a goodbye before she spoke in a tone that was only steady by force of will. “No. No. No. It’s not your fault. This doesn’t pertain to you personally. Of course I don’t think you’ll hurt me or take advantage of me. You would never hurt me. But you’re not everyone K’sel. What if it hadn’t been you? What if it had been the bronzerider? I know you wouldn’t want that from me. You never would. I’m not scared of you. It’s everyone else.” Erilena slumped then and shook her head. “What if it makes me love someone else? Can that happen? I don’t like feeling so…out of control. I don’t like not being me. I don’t even know what to do in a situation like this. Obviously. I didn’t even pay attention in weyrling lessons. I was too scared at the time.” She finally admitted quietly as her fingers played with the end of her shirt. “I didn’t mean to get so caught up in it all.”

The greenrider raised her head and reached her arms out to him then her voice a tad desperate. “I didn’t think it would be like this either. I would never leave you or forget about you. I don’t abandon the people I love and I love you K’sel. You are like a brother. I know I’ve made a mess of this and I’m sorry.”

[Lotty]

Between being tired and angry and plagued by the steady throbbing of a headache, he could have sworn he was on the verge of a blackout. And if indeed the darkness was coming to dim his sights and dull all sounds, he would not resist, but alas, he began to fall backwards from the brink, wrenched from the grasps of thoughtlessness with the repetition of "no" bouncing around the eardrums. Erilena was protesting and he couldn't exactly say that he was surprised. All he did in return was push his hair back again with another sigh and another dip of his head.

"I can't predict what would have happened had it not been me, but I would hope that you'd throat punch anyone who would push their bounds the next morning," he imagined that she should probably ask one of her female contemporaries. He really didn't have insight to answer all of her questions, but he was what was available at the moment and tried his best, "As for falling in love, I think if a flight forces you to do so with someone the next day, then we have a problem on our hands. One that requires a mindhealer. I mean the idea is just. No. No. It's not going to happen." The thought of indiscriminately falling in love just because you did the dirty with another rider - most likely unwillingly - was just a little... off on levels that he couldn't even pinpoint... he was not even a romantic and just felt that it was wrong.

After having a green dragon for as long as Erilena had, he thought she would have figured that one out by now. For him flights had long become a reality of life. It just happened. It was a little difficult to tell her to "get used to it" when by now she very much should have.

"I don't think of it as being... out of control... just sort of letting my dragon take the lead. Lending my authority. You know I don't like being told what to do... its hard, but I come to terms," he left it at that though because he didn't want to argue. And it was an argument that he would surely lose. Control was circumstantial. He certainly didn't mind being out of it when induced by alcohol for example, but having none of his own in day to day life. Not at all.

Anyway, she was looking desperate for a hug, and at the moment K'sel didn't mind so much having someone to lean on. The stable he was perched against was hard and unforgiving and it made it just that much easier to scoot forward and reassure the greenrider, "Nooo..." he started as he linked his arms around her in a comforting embrace, "I'm sorry too. I'm being a preachy dick. I don't even remember what started all of this. Seriously. We'll just move on from this ok?" He pressed his cheek against hers and patted the ends of her hair where it fell down her back. Now this was much better comfortable too since he knew that Pettahth and Feyrianth had long been doing the same thing. Dragons and their wisdom.

[Rei]

His words and reassurances were comforting in their own way. But only up to a point. In reality all she wanted was something concrete. Erilena had always been a tactile person and that hadn’t ever changed. So when K’sel scooted forward to envelope her in his arms she melded herself to him and gave into his embrace, actually clinging back to him in a slightly desperate manner for a moment. As if she was afraid that he would pull away too soon. But when it seemed that the brownrider had no intentions of pulling away from her she relaxed and nodded.

“I think that sounds like a good idea.” She uttered in a more together tone. All the greenrider wanted was to put the whole thing past them. It didn’t really matter right now anyway did it? All these opinions and stupid hurt feelings. She honestly hadn’t meant to make him feel so bad. Nor herself either. It was better if they just started over right? A gentle and amused mental brush from Feyrianth only reaffirmed that thought and as the green shifted to press more closely with the brown Erilena did so too with K’sel in an unconscious mirror.

Finally opening her hazel eyes to again regard her adoptive brother she gave a small smile. “So are you ever going to grow that beard back or is it banished for all eternity?” She asked genuinely curious. “I suppose I might have doomed it for all eternity the morning I killed it in your sleep.” Her smile getting a little bolder she glanced around them at their surroundings. “I see that Mojo hasn’t lost his trickster side either. Grim’s with the kids assuring himself that Elysia isn’t going to eat them I suppose.” With that she wrinkled her nose. “I think it’s probably going to be the other way around to be honest. Poor Elysia is not the domestic sort at all.” Nope despite having one of her own she was most times still remarkably awkward with any child that was not Elias for the most part. Still despite the fact that their kids were probably terrorizing their step grandmother Erilena had no current desire to leave just yet. She wanted to hold and cuddle her kids yes. But she also was simply just reluctant to move. The flight had taken a lot out of Feyrianth and that fatigue carried over quite well.

The blonde tried to fix her hair a little as she allowed herself to relax a little more. One annoying thing about hay, no matter how careful you were it got everywhere and sadly dragon flights never fell into the careful category. Reaching over she picked a long piece of the dried grass out of K’sel’s hair, simply because it had been bugging her. “You look like a scarecrow.” She finally said her voice infused with amusement. “You ever sleep in any barns when you were playing hobo? I already know you teased young greenriders and entertained them with stories of flutes made of the bones of murdered men.”

[Lotty]

"My beard may come back. I have a birthday coming up and it would be a good present to be allowed it, even if only for a short stay..." though there were better presents he could get. He knew that much. Sometimes a beard could get in the way of those gifts. If he wanted special affections of Nephele he couldn't have scratchy itchy stubble in the way now could he? A man always had his priorities after all, "Maybe it is a good thing that you dispatched it though. People seem to think I'm affable... even cute with it gone," and he lost track of his words quickly then, thinking of where he could possibly even go after that. There wasn't anywhere now was there? He had rendered himself irrelevant.

Mojo cackled mischievously at the errant thought and posed even in the dark corner he had taken up to watch the two from. Personally he couldn't wait to tell Darkling of this: the two siblings winding and twisting their limbs together into an altogether sad and monstrous lump. With a little bit of creativity and tweaking he'd have the best of legends running around all the firelizard circles and Erilena and K'sel wouldn't have a clue. All he had to do was keep up with the draconic smiles. Vaguely aware of the bronze flit's sweeping ill intentions the rider silently scoffed at the mere designation of trickster before commenting, "Perhaps we all have callings in life. Mojo must play his little games... Elysia was meant to be excel her skills in dragonriding and not the home... and I was destined to be full of shit. Always and forever."

Still, despite the grand moments of self deprecation he was loathe to stop touching Eri - a clear by-product of the two dragons and their own close quarters. Personally, he had never found himself to be a very touchy person, or at least any more than anyone else. Age was turning him into a sucker for some good old haptics though, and he couldn't help but let his lips sneak up at the corners with the removal of the offending piece of straw. Miming the grooming, he ran a couple fingers through the ends of her hair commenting, "Speak for yourself," before flicking away some organic material.

"A barn would be a luxury for me..." K'sel began remembering his sojourn into the southern wilds, "I think I know every cave in the Southern Continent though. So there is that... trees sometimes... the back of caravan wagons. Other times you just had to find the densest swath of jungle you could and curl up with your dragon. I think I started to go so crazy for a bed that I was tempted to start seducing widowed holder women for a chance to meet a pillow. Shards, it is a mystery why I spent time telling you that silly fairy tale when I could have been begging to borrow a bed." He shook his head in mock disbelief. He was really no worse for wear in the end, or at least he didn't think he was. Who knew, maybe in ten years time he'd have a bad back from all the awkward sleeping.