For the Nights I Can't Remember [Farryl]

[nightingale]

Hey Juuuuuude~ No makit baaaaaad...no makit bad...bad...upset minepet? Baby warbled softly as the shoulder he was perching on gave a shudder, and leaned forward to nibble the top of an exposed ear. Deeeeeeer Saeomiiiiine~ Woncha come out t'paaaaay~ Another shudder. The blue gave her ear an affectionate lick, then used it as a step to scramble up onto the top of her head. Securely tangling himself in the girl's hair with all four paws, he peered down at where he knew her face was -hidden by the knees she had tugged up against her chest and pressed against her forehead. Da sun is up! Da sky is bluuuuue! It's bew-dee-full and so're you deeeeeeeear Saeomiiiiiiine~

Saeo lifted her head no more than two inches, swollen eyes struggling to focus on the tiny blue shape dangling before them. Baby chirped curiously, his eyes whirling pleasant shades of blue and green. "Play, love." She murmured softly, raising a hand to the level of her eyes. The tiny creature was quick to disentangle himself from her hair and latch onto her thumb, gnawing it affectionately as she lowered him into her direct line of sight. "The words are 'won't you come out to play'." Paaaaaay~ "Not 'pay'. 'Play'." Puuuuuaaaaaay~? She tried to smile, but the only outward sign that she had even made the attempt was a small twitch of her cheek. Saeo gave her salamandyr a soft kiss on the neck, and sniffled quietly.

Eighteen hours after Benden's retreat, someone had noticed the blueweyrling wandering the infirmary in a sleep-deprived daze. She'd been send off to get some sleep shortly thereafter, and the girl vaguely remembered being escorted to the door by someone who might have been Meira. Saeo hadn't made it further than the bottom of the stairs before reality of the Weyr's situation cut through her weariness and she broke down crying like a child missing their mother. Tears for the missing and the dead, for the injured and the suffering, for fear and anger and helplessness and for her own miserable state all falling in tattoo like droplets in a rainstorm, indistinguishable from one another in their shared element.

She just REALLY needed a hug.

[Rowana]

When the others were transported to the temporary infirmary in Aslath's old weyr, Farryl had followed to see what she could do to help. Peppeth was extremely reluctant to let her out of her sight, but there simply wasn't going to be room for an uninjured dragon, even one so small as Peppeth. Hobbs clung to Farryl's neck, crooning and humming in her ear. The little fellow was still wobbly and shaky, but he was recovering now that he was awake. He seemed determined to keep Farryl's spirits up and to watch her for Peppeth.

At first, Farryl had kept busy running errands for the healers. She fetched bandages and supplies, and set up makeshift cots wherever there was room. The sheer number of injured was staggering and seemed endless. They were making even Aslath's huge weyr look very small. At some point, one of the healers pulled Farryl aside and insisted on treating her. Pefore she could protest, he had wrapped her small wounds with bandages and numb weed, especially her hands, which were covered in abrasions that Farryl had only made worse by working them. He then order her to get some rest, but had been too busy to see that she did. Within minutes, Farryl was back to helping, this time lugging baskets of food and jugs of klah for anyone who was hungry.

It was when she had nodded off and dropped one of the jugs, spilling hot liquid everywhere, that she was hustle off to go to bed. This time, Farryl was too tired to argue. But as she took her first steps down the stairs, reality hit her hard. Keeping busy had kept her from thinking about what had happened. Her friends were gone. Tille was gone. And despite all her efforts, she hadn't been able to save any of them. Hobbs clung tightly and crooned. He didn't want her to be sad. Farryl reached up to pet him, but he could only provide her with a little comfort. It was just too much for a little fire lizard to heal.

It looked like she wasn't the only one. Saeo was huddled at the bottom of the stairs. It didn't take much to tell that she was crying. Farryl staggered down down and flopped next to her friend. She reached out and touched her gently on the shoulder, feeling her own tears coming. She opened her mouth to say something, anything, to comfort her. But what could she say? That it was alright? That things would get better? Farryl didn't think she believed any of that.

Finally she did the only thing she could think of. Farryl pulled Saeo close and hugged her tight, sharing in her pain and misery.

[nightingale]

Saeo's ears focused unwillingly on the sound of footsteps. The vibrations each step sent running down the staircase were faint, but noticable to a sleep-starved mind. She squeezed her eyes shut and tugged her knees against her forehead, fervently hoping that it wasn't someone come to tell her she ought to be in bed for the elleventh time that night. The sounds of someone sitting down next to her. A hand brushing against her shoulder, forcing her into a cringe. Go away. Please just go away.

Something warm and soft pressed itself against her. Farryl.

Saeo leaned into the embrace without another thought, drawing a deep and shuddering breath as she pressed her face into the girl's neck. Baby chittered softly, clambering onto the girl's head as she shifted to wrap her arms around Farryl's waist and tugged her closer. "Burning fields and ravaged clutches Farryl." She sobbed, the words coming out slightly muffled and more than a little choked as she pressed her face into her friend's shoulder. "I don't know if I can be brave much longer. I'm just...just so frightened I think I may go mad before things get better. I just want it all to be over...I want everyone to be whole and happy again." A fresh wave of sobbing slid from her throat and drowned whatever else she may have tried to say as she remembered that many of the people whom she had known -Neiko and Morea and even poor little Vega- would never be getting better. Gone, like the last rose of summer.

Da sun'll come out...tomorrooow... Baby offered weakly, painfully tuneless but sincere.

[Rowana]

Farryl hugged Saeo tight and rubbed her back. She didn't know what to say. Saeo's words mirrored her own feelings so much that it was hard not to simply give into to her own sorrow. But Farryl was never one to show her own emotions. She knew it probably wasn't good, to keep things like this bottle up inside, but Saeo needed her to be strong right now. Even if she couldn't do much more than be a shoulder to cry on.

"There's nothing wrong with being frightened," Farryl said at last. Her voice was quiet and as soothing as she could make it when it was shaky to fight back her own tears. "Shards, I was so scared I thought I would throw up." She didn't admit that she had done just that after they had brought Ke'rin in. Partly from the fear and the sight of her friends dying, but mostly because of the men she had killed. It still made her sick thinking about it. "But you, you were so brave, Saeo. You saved so many of us. I don't know when things will get better and I know they'll never be the same, but at least Raylin and the others are alive to share it with us. We have you to thank for that."

Hobbs crooned at Baby and hummed along with him, though much better in tune.

[nightingale]

A choked, bitter sounding laugh embedded itself into the fabric of Farryl’s sleeve. Amazing? How many different reasons did she have to refuse that title? One for every friend she hadn’t been able to protect thanks to her staggering ineptitude as a warrior. At least a dozen more for the people brought into the infirmary that she had been to under qualified to save. One big reason in the form of the man she had stabbed in the back…not that she could bring herself to regret it even now. The fact that she had been able to keep T'ke alive managed to take some of the sting out, but that didn't lessen the sick feeling she got in the pit of her stomach when she remembered how easily her tiny dagger had ended his life without fanfare or applause

“Don’t call me brave.” She sniffled, pawing at tears as they traced itchy red bands down her cheeks. “You’d do as well to call a runner Mine. You’re the brave one Farryl, you always have been. I only wish I could be as strong as you…but the best I can do is stumble around pretending.” She snuggled closer, trying to will the infirmary's light and movement from her senses like a child imagining herself invisible so long as her eyes were closed.

There was nothing that Saeo had ever wanted more than to be the strong one. Not once in her life has she succeeded in keeping the people she cared about safe from harm, and it was certainly not for lack of effort of opportunity. Being the one that made the pain go away was a small comfort, but was also a constant reminder of her own inadequacy. If only once, she wanted to be the person who kept the pain from happening in the first place.

[Rowana]

Farryl shook her head, fighting to keep her emotions under control. She wasn't brave or strong. If she was, then maybe she would have been able to do something. Maybe Saeo wouldn't be so upset right now. Maybe Ke'rin wouldn't be so badly hurt. Maybe Morea and the others wouldn't have died. Maybe Tille would still be with her. Farryl bit her lip to keep the tears from coming. There were too many maybes, too many ifs. It was making her head hurt.

"I'm not strong," she said at last. "And I was so afraid, I thought I would be sick." Farryl looked down at her friend with steel grey eyes. She felt older now, filled with sorrow she had forgotten how to feel, but she also still had that fire of determination. She would see all her friends through this. Once they were safe and well, she would deal with her own problems. "You held us together, Saeo." Farryl said firmly. "You kept going even after you got hurt. You gave us courage. You helped C'vin and me help Ke'rin. Don't ever think that you're not strong. I'll be the first to correct you on that." Farryl managed a weak assuring smile. It was hard to smile right now, but Saeo needed to see that Farryl really did mean what she said.

[nightingale]

The young healer titled her head forward, allowing it to list slowly back and forth in soft and wordless disagreement. She pressed her hand against the back of her friend’s head, tangling her thin fingers in her dark hair and stroking it gently as she leaned into the embrace. "Farryl you are strong…like a granite cliff by the seashore. Waves can crash against it and the wind can scream as loud as it wants but neither one can make it move. Being brave isn’t the same as not being scared. We were all scared…we still are scared…” She drew a slow breath, trying unsuccessfully to ease the trembles from her body.

Feeling eyes on her, Saeo pulled back far enough to catch the greenweyrling’s eye as she spoke. She bit down on her lower lip, huffing unaffectedly as her eyes drifted to the rain spattered stairs. “I’m not strong.” She offered simply, giving the tiniest shake of her head. “Maybe just being stubborn is enough sometimes, but if I was strong then I wouldn’t need people like you and C’oar to always be fighting my battles and dragging me back up again when I fall down like this.”

You will flyyyyyy and you will craaaaawl. Everyone knows even dragons faaaall~ The girl sobbed quietly, pressing her head into Farryl’s neck in a vain attempt to escape her salamandyr’s offensively optimistic crooning. “Baby please, I’m not in the mood.” No such thing as you lost it all...Saeomine, even dragons fall. Saeo flinched noticeably as her weyrling pressed the tunelessly poetry against her thoughts. She had been sure that he was sleeping…then again, she had been more than a little distracted lately and Cherilith was marvelous at hanging discreetly at the back of her thoughts.

You are both strong in different ways. He continued, allowing both girls and any creature touching their minds to hear him. Farryl is strong because she does not allow her emotions to control her. She can push them back and show others what she wants them to see instead of what she is actually feeling, which gives her control over herself and how the world responds to her. You are strong because your heart is always visible. It takes courage to show what you are really feeling, and to take the reactions that others offer your true self instead of your presented self. You are two different kinds of strong…well, that is what I think anyway.

[Rowana]

Farryl nodded and rubbed Saeo in comfort. Her words were so lovely. Farryl hardly felt worthy of such deep praise, coming from her. How could she make Saeo understand that she was strong too? That there were different ways to be strong? But before she could utter another word, Cherilith beat her to it. She rarely heard the blue speak, but today she was both grateful and amazed by his words.

"I think Cherilith is right," she murmured to Saeo. Farryl was already feeling a little better herself. It was surprising what a relief it was, just to cry with someone. Peppeth's tired voice added its own words of wisdom to the two girls and her brother. Farryl-mind and Cherilith's-mine are both strong! she declared firmly. Farryl-mine kept Jaymith's from leaving! And Cherilith's-mine put Ebolath's and Frosstyth's and everyone's together again! Peppeth was fervent in her speech. Everyone was strong in the little green's mind, especially anyone that had helped save her friends.

[nightingale]

The tiniest, most tentative of smiles spread outward from the corner of Saeo’s mouth. She squeezed Farryl just a little bit harder. “I only hope they’re going to be alright.” She murmured, managing to take a deep breath despite her shuddering body. She didn’t want to think about the friends she’d left behind in the infirmary. Ke’rin and T’rid’s odds of surviving the night were slim at best, and there was a good chance that C’oar was going to lose his leg from the knee down. Raylin and T’ke would live, but they were probably never going to be the same again.

The rain started again. There was no real transition from wet to dry, only the vague knowledge that first there was one drop breaking against her ear and then thousands falling all around her like a wet symphony. Drip drip drop lil April shower~ Baby cooed tunelessly, ducking headfirst into the neck of the girl’s tattered nightshirt to escape the rain. I will come over and pick you up my Saeo. They have given us a weyr near the bottom of the waterfall. I think you will like it…Peppeth? Would you and yours like to come see?

[Rowana]

"I'm sure they'll all be fine," Farryl said firmly. They had better be. After all they'd been through, she could not bear to lose more friends. And Saeo would probably break if anyone else died. Farryl shivered slightly as the rain began again. She shouldn't grudge it so much, after all it was partly to blame for helping them survive. But she was too tired to care.

Peppeth perked up slightly at Cherilith's message. Mine and I would love to see, she crooned tiredly. Hesitantly, she added. May we stay with you too? Mine does not want to say, but she does not want to be alone. It is too sad in the old room. Peppeth, Farryl began. I'll be alright. We shouldn't intrude... I do not think Cherilith's wants to be alone either. Peppeth declared with a surety Farryl wished she had right then. Then, privately, she spoke to Cherilith again. Can you carry both? she asked shyly and with a touch of regret. I am still too small. It almost pained her to have to ask, but she didn't want Farryl to have to walk anymore.