And I'm Still Here {OPEN}

[kat]

She hadn't done more than poke at her plate at lunch time. The meal had gotten cold by the time she actually finished it and decided to come back to the barracks. She had been sleeping poorly lately. Perhaps it was time to visit Rae, the mindhealer? She knew she wasn't ill physically. It had been since the last hatching that she had begun to feel this tiredness. Inability to sleep coupled with being tired during the day and not hungry. She knew what it was but did not want to admit it to herself. How long had she been here at Selenitas and how many times had she been left standing?

She still remembered the first hatching she had been to. When the gold had mauled her and Impressed to someone else instead. She still bore the scars of it on her hip, a painful reminder of that day. Since then there had been no dragon for her. Each hatching she got her hopes up only to have them shattered as she was left standing yet again. How many turns would it be until she was too old to stand? She had always known there was the possibility that it would happen. Still it never got any easier walking off those sands alone. It never got easier dutifully attending the hatching feast or seeing the Weyrlings and riders around the Weyr. Where else could you live after all that would remind you exactly of what you didn't have? She had considered going back home last time. Considered and stubbornly decided to stay. Just one more clutch. Just one more hatching. She kept telling herself that it wasn't over for her yet and she would not give up until she was too old to stand. Yet here she was in the barracks in the middle of a nice day. Here she was feeling tired and worn out, wishing that she were training with the Weyrlings instead of due for another shift at the Infirmary.

It wasn't as though she didn't like it here at Selenitas. The people were great. She actually did like working in the Infirmary sometimes. Yet when a new Weyrling came in it got harder. When she thought about the latest hatching or saw the other full riders working there? It got harder. She certainly could have used Rae's specific set of skills. She was worried she was getting downtrodden and there were signs everywhere of it. She had given up on making friends. Given up on getting to really know any of the candidates who came and went. None of them were even the same ones that had stood with her the first time. Mostly everyone who came left with a dragon by their side. No, she had not even bothered socializing outside of the Infirmary.

Her only consolation was the bronze 'mandyr who was her constant companion. At least she had Zexion. At least she had him and wasn't entirely alone. On days like today she reminded herself of this over and over. She had come to the Weyr and because of that she had Zexion. What would she do if she didn't Impress though? She was a Journeyman. Would she stay here? Her post was here. She could stay until that was up and then choose to stay longer or move on. What did she want to do though? Here would be a painful reminder of what she didn't have. Yet here there were dragons just like anywhere else. She was a Dragonhealer. She would likely suck it up and stay.

She heard footsteps in the corridors. Lying on her bunk she didn't know whether she felt like moving or seeing if someone was coming. She inhaled sharply as Zexion's little claws dug into her neck. He raised his head and looked for her.

[dragon]

(>< Tiny text hurts)

After spending a few hours in his office, Emoyan had finally finished up everything he'd needed to do in there. Now it was time for the other bits that were needing done. Technically, the Candidates were supposed to keep after their own quarters. Keep them clean, wash their own laundry, all of that. But if he didn't do regular inspections, it would likely never get done. Young folk were often that way. That, and he had to go make notes of which bunks weren't full already so he knew where to put new people. Or make sure someone wasn't taking up more space than allotted. When there really weren't very many Candidates, Emoyan was more lenient about the space rules. But when things got crowded, it tended to stave off conflicts if he enforced those rules.

So such it was that he had a writing-board in hand as he made his way to the barracks. It was a far sight better than the old facilities that were in the tree. He was very grateful that the Weyr had finally moved these quarters into the safety of stone, though he'd made sure they included a back way out. It would not do to have the Candidates trapped during an assault, after all, much like had happened to the Weyrlings in their barracks, a few turns back.

At this time of day, the place was usually deserted. Given that Candidates not only had things to do, but the strictly kept curfew made sure they spent all their daylight time out of doors instead of inside. So it was much to his surprise when he stepped into the girl's side of the facility and found one was still here. The first thought that came to his mind was she was sick. Why else would she be here? Dropping the writing board on the top bunk of the first one to come to hand, Emoyan walked over in her direction before stopping.

"Are you feeling alright?" If she was sick, she would be better off getting some help for it, before she infected the entire barrack. She sure didn't look alright. A tad pale around the edges, too. She looked like she hadn't been sleeping well. The flitter with her looked healthy enough, so she wasn't anywhere near death's door yet.

[kat]

Zexion heard someone approaching before his did and yet chose to merely lift his head and open one eye lazily. No one in this place who walked like that would harm his. He saw no reason to notify Maya. Maybe it would be good for his if someone came and talked to her. She had been sad lately. He did not like her to be sad. A happy Maya was a better Maya. Or so the Salamandyr reasoned within his head. Still she had noticed after the steps came close enough. At least she would not be surprised. Or so he thought.

She hadn't expected the person to enter the entrance to the barracks to be the Candidatemaster Emoyan. When he asked if she was all right she suddenly felt her stomach twist in a knot. Emoyan. The dragonless Candidatemaster. A man who had, despite losing his own dragon, opted to be Candidatemaster. A stronger person than she would ever be or hope to be. Here she was downtrodden because she had yet to Impress. If she were to say that would that not be a cruel irony? Wasn't it better to simply not Impress than to do so and lose your dragon? She didn't know how to reply to the man. Honesty was important to Maya and yet in this instance it was perhaps better to forgo it. She wanted very much to talk to someone about what was wrong and yet this seemed like it might be the wrong person to do so with. What to do?

"Just a little tired, sir," she finally replied. There had been a pause. Enough of one that she was worried he might have seen her reluctance in replying. She hoped he wouldn't think she was being dishonest. Her answer was truthful enough. She regarded him with eyes that were tired but also saddened. She couldn't help that part. Even though she did not wear a frown and actually tried a weak smile? Any perceptive person could have seen something was amiss.

Zexion suddenly nipped her on the ear. His teeth pricked the lobe, drawing a bead of blood. She winced and flicked the indignant bronze on the nose. The 'mandyr wanted her to talk. His had not talked. He reasoned that this was why she was not better. She kept her mouth shut. It was bad to keep your mouth so shut. If she would not talk to the no-dragon man, he would. She could feel his warning and sent back a feeling of warning. He ignored her. She had better talk soon. Very soon.

[dragon]

"Just a little tired, sir".

That ... didn't sound very convincing. Emoyan shifted his weight to the other foot, looking at her for a moment, debating on whether or not he should leave her be on her word, or send her to see someone, or try to figure out what the issue really was.

Well ... he couldn't very well send her to the right person until he knew what the problem was. Leaving her this way was irresponsible. Emoyan was not an irresponsible type in the least. But nor was he the type to go out of his way to harass the candidates without due cause. He wasn't sure entirely if he had due cause to continue to bother her about it when she testified to being fine.

Conundrum conundrum. "Alright." He answered. "Unfortunately, I've met a lot of people who say that they are fine and aren't." Emoyan said, softly. Being harsh with her would only make her clam up, and Maya was one girl who'd been in his barrack for a very long time now. "If you don't mind my saying so, you don't look like you're just tired, Maya."

He flicked a finger at the little mandyr. "Your pet is kind of an indicator as well." Emoyan had pets of both flavors, and understood how the two brands reacted to their owner's current state. So over the turns he'd gotten pretty astute at figuring out when a pet was acting on its own feelings, or that of their person.

"So, lets try this again, shall we? What's the matter? I won't bite, you know that."

[kat]

Emoyan was probably one of the kindest people she knew. It was true that not many people got to know the man that well. To some he seemed hard and cold, tough and even at times uncaring. She had been in the barracks so long now though that she knew it was not true. He had lost his dragon and still he found it in himself to care about and for 'his' candidates. He had made her stay here a pleasant one no matter how much she wished that she was with the Weyrlings. For that she would not forget him regardless of which way things went. Only as he gently prodded at her for an answer she didn't know if she ought to give one or simply try and brush it off again. Only she hadn't spoken to anyone about how she was feeling and maybe, just maybe, it would be good to get it out.

She didn't want to seem childish. She didn't want to look disappointed or complain that she felt the dragons each time overlooked her and rejected her for someone else. She knew that this wasn't how dragons worked. She had heard it enough times: the dragons just knew who they were meant to be with. But regardless of that, regardless of what she knew? It didn't make the rejection that wasn't really rejection any easier. It was simply that none had been for her. Why it bothered her so much she probably could have guessed at. No one had been left standing this long. No one was still in the barracks who had stood at Jingth's hatching. Not a single one. All had Impressed and she had not. It was trying, even on her.

She opened her mouth once, and then closed it. She forced herself to inhale and exhale slowly, and looked at the face of the kindly ex-dragonrider. She could tell him. She could tell him and then someone would at least know. He wanted to know. Maybe he already guessed at it. So as she looked down at her feet she made up her mind, looking back up at Emoyan.

"It's Jingth's hatching, sir..." she began, slowly and sounding unsure of herself. As though she wasn't sure she wanted to be talking about it, but at the same time was eager to. After a moment's brief pause she want on, "I was there when she hatched. It was two turns ago. I've been here for two turns. And now it's Jingth's own clutch on the sands..." she trailed off, voice growing quieter at the end. She felt her throat catch and cursed herself. It was silly to be so distressed! She had a good life here, working in the Infirmary and being allowed to stay here at the Weyr. Why was she getting so riled up about not Impressing? Suddenly the words came rushing out. The words that held the reason for her sleepless nights and concerns.

"Everyone who was here is gone. Even the newer candidates don't last long. I'm still here, though. I've been here longer than anyone I know has. Every hatching comes and goes and yet I always come back here. I know I have time to Impress still. Only each time it gets harder to go to the sands. Harder to go to the touching, and even harder to go to the hatching feasts after even though I know I should be happy for the Weyr's new Weyrlings and dragons..." again she trailed off, feeling frustrated and irritated at herself. She sounded like she was complaining and she didn't like that. She was lucky to even be a candidate. Some people never even got to be that much, after all. Yet it didn't change how she felt. Nothing did.

[dragon]

Emoyan listened carefully to what Maya said, and then smiled slightly. He could understand her problem ... many a young person had it. Sometimes after failing their first hatching, some of them persisting over the years and the worry growing. "Don't worry so much, Maya. You'll find your dragon eventually. You have time yet. As for being here two years ..." He shrugged slightly. "You got here a touch late to see the candidates that were here before you. There were a couple of them that had been here five or more years before they impressed. Some of them convinced they never would, true. But - all I can tell you is to keep trying. Don't turn your back when hatchings come." He smiled slighly, and reached over to pat her shoulder.

"Losing sleep over it isn't good, either. If you need an herb tea to help you sleep, that's fine. But if you let yourself get into a bad condition, you'll certainly not Impress. Keep your chin up, and take care of yourself - your dragon will come for you in due time." He assured her, before pointing a finger at her little pet. "That right there is all the proof you need that you're capable of it." Some people couldn't even impress a flitter, much less a mandyr. Emoyan offered her another reassuring smile, and then extended a hand to her.

"It would help if you had something to do besides your regular routine. Break the rut. How about if I find you a rider to shadow? I bet you'd like a change of pace, get out of seeing them only sick or dying. Take a moment to wash one that's glowing with health. It'll help you get your courage up. What do you say?" He asked.

[kat]

As she listened to Emoyan speak, she was shocked. Turns? Candidates had been here turns before they Impressed? She had only been here two! It was as though with each thing he said the stress and fears that had been building up in her started to fade. She should still stand, he was right. There was no guarantee that the next hatching or the hatchings after that didn't have a dragon for her in them. If the other candidates had done it than so could she. She felt Zexion's approval at this change of heart, and the 'mandyr actually seemed to be regarding Emoyan with a sort of pleased acceptance--which was new, for him. He usually was not so quick to accept anyone. Especially not a male.

Masterman done good thing! Fix Maya inside. You good Emoman![/color]

The Salamandyr's sudden little speech surprised and embarrassed Maya somewhat. But Emoyan's words had indeed quelled her fears and strengthened her resolve. It was all she could do to keep herself from letting the relief show in the form of tears. Why had she been so worked up over not Impressing? She had lots of time and lots of others had been here too. She gave the Candidatemaster a grateful smile and took a deep breath before replying.

"You don't know how good it is to hear that," she admitted, sighing lightly. "I didn't know that I wasn't the only one who had taken this long to not Impress. Now that I know others have been here too it makes a lot of difference," she confided. She paused as he spoke again, and his idea seemed rather a good one. With being in the Infirmary, though she enjoyed it, the only dragons or people she got to see were the injured, sick or those dying. It wasn't exactly the nicest thing to be around when you were already down. So she was quite ready to approve of his idea. Shadowing a rider would be a nice experience. Maybe prepare her for when she Impressed!

"I'd like that very much, if it's not too much trouble," she agreed, and then, "I can try the hebal tea, too. But I have a feeling I'll be sleeping a lot better after today," she told him with a sincere smile. She ran the riders she knew over in her mind. There were lots she admired and got on well with. She was sure Emoyan would be able to choose someone that would work great for this kind of thing. She found that she trusted his judgment and counted herself fortunate he had bothered to show an interest in her. How he could remain so strong and kind even after the loss of his dragon made her secretly admire him even more. Not many people could be a Candidatemaster and speak so nicely to someone about their chances of Impression after they'd lost their own dragon. She didn't know much about him, or the dragon he'd lost. How many did? He kind of came across to many as very strict and gruff--was that due to losing his dragon? Did he have many friends in the Weyr? Did he have any family, or people he was close to? Part of her wondered these things. Well, if she did Impress he would be the first she'd want to introduce to whatever dragon she got. Maybe she could get to know him better. True that he was probably at least ten turns older than her. However she was not particular about ages in friendships. That wouldn't matter to her so long as it didn't matter to the Candidatemaster. She could use a few friends here, after all.

She realized she'd become lost in her thoughts and cleared her throat, smiling now at Emoyan to let him know she was at least doing a lot better than she had been. His comment on Zexion had surprised her. Did being able to Impress a Salamandyr mean she might be better capable of Impressing a dragon? She wasn't sure but he seemed to be and so she took it as a truth. More relief, needless to say. Soon the hatching would arrive, and she might have a dragon. Better to be in good shape for that, he was right!

"Well, I'm going to try and catch up a little on my sleep. Maybe a nap or something in one of the spare Infirmary beds," she said thoughtfully. Suddenly she felt tired and quite like sleeping. Gratefully she leaned forward and gave the Candidatemaster a peck on the cheek, before saying, "thank you," and heading out for the Infirmary.