... if someone like you.. {marra}

[glamourie]

Mmf... Warm. Rawign snuggled against the furs, loath to wake up completely. The smell in the air indicated that it was likely raining, or had just stopped. Warmth next to him made the dark-haired boy slowly open his eyes as his memories of the afternoon returned to him in full force, as well as recognition of the source of the warmth he was so enjoying. Marra. He smiled slightly, letting his eyes fall closed as his grip on her tightened. Why shouldn't he be smiling? ... Memories... The smile faded, just slightly.

Marra was transferring. Where, she hadn't said. He was trying so hard to ignore that fact, but lying there curled up with her, it was hard not to. Marra was the one person at Selenitas he felt comfortable with anymore. Even Religna was a stranger in her own way. He hadn't seen her for Turns. And Marra... Marra was the most important person in his life. He wouldn't go so far as to say that he loved her, but she certainly meant quite a bit to him. She was important from the day that he met her, and that hadn't changed, though the manner of her importance had. How was he going to live with the idea of her being gone, his closest friend and the only person he truly trusted? He didn't want her to leave. And what kind of effect would ... the day's events have on their relationship? She was going to be gone. His mind kept going back to that idea, above all else, no matter how hard he tried not to focus on it. She felt so good in his arms, so good next to him - and ... she was just being ripped away to some other hold, far from him. He didn't want Marra to go at all. He hadn't, even before, but he almost felt worse with her lying so close to him.

Silently, Rawign sat up, uncurling himself as best he could in his hopes to avoid waking Marra up. His hands dropped to his lap and he bowed his head, a curtain of black curls falling over his face. They could keep in touch, right? ... Would she even want to? Not that she'd complained at all, or even showed the slightest reluctance, but that didn't change that there was a chance Marra wouldn't want anything to do with him when she left. If... if. Maybe there was some way he could talk her into staying? She'd said that the MasterHarper ordered it. Rawign frowned, looking up in the darkness of the apartment. Li and Mona were surely back, somewhere, but he couldn't see them. He couldn't see anything other than Marra so close to him. His chest felt tight, and he wouldn't admit it, but the idea of her leaving terrified him more than words, and he was angry, hurt, upset, and something else he couldn't quite explain. He felt... abandoned, and she hadn't left yet. There had to be some way he could convince her to stay.

Wings. Flitter wings. Rawign looked up as Roxie landed on the bed and held out the letter Marra'd been clutching earlier that afternoon. The little green was soundless, perhaps sensing Rawign's distress. No matter how wonderful being close to Marra was, no matter how amazing her body felt against his, the idea of her leaving kept coming back and terrifying him.

He held the letter accusingly, though it reminded him vaguely of their conversations first at the Gather and then in the Infirmary. All of her big talk... Rawign glanced down at Marra and smiled behind his hair. Yes, he was hiding behind the long strands, as if they could keep away the darker feelings. It was incredibly unfair of him to do that, but he didn't want to think of how Marra would react to knowing just how upset he was. She said she didn't want to leave, either, and though some part of him doubted, some part of him believed that she was just humouring him, the bigger and more important part of his mind knew she'd meant it. It would hurt her for her to see just how upset he was, especially since... she had to be gone so soon? But how soon? It was too dark to read the letter to know for sure...

[Administrator]

It wasn't Rawign's movemen that woke Marra; it was the lack of warmth when he sat up that did it. Yawning, she stretched for a moment, not really wanting to move such a comfortable position. Remembering the events that immediately happened, she smiled almost shyly, sitting up as she clutched the furs over her breasts. Looking over to Rawign, the smile faded. What was he holding? "Is that the letter?" she asked quietly, leaning against the healer. She nestled against him taking whatever comfort she could get from him. She carefully avoided the subject of what had just happened. She didn't regret it at all, but he had probably figured out it was her first time. Making sure the keep the furs covering the sheets, she clutched them firmly. Oh, how he would gloat! Or perhaps not-- she was due to leave the next day, on dragonback, for Blossom Hold.

Blossom. She had been there once. It was a pretty place, but Marra didn't want to live there. It seemed like a whole world away from Rawign! She settled slightly by telling herself that she would talk with the Masterharper. Maybe the rumors about him weren't real, and that he would be willing to work something out. "I'm going to try talking to the Masterharper," she finally said, trying to sound confident. "I'll be back here before you know it..." However, even saying this, acknowledging the fact that she was going to be leaving Rawign, was like striking a hammer to her heart. She couldn't leave him... It was hard for Marra to make friends, let alone one as close as Rawign.

And just how close was she with him? Friends? Of course. Something more? ...Yes. She liked him enough to lose her virginity to him. That definitely meant there was something beyond simply friendship. He was one of the few people Marra felt comfortable with, so if she was taken from him, what then? There would be nobody to replace him! Wrapping her arms around his waist, she snuggled up against him. "I... don't want to leave," she finally confessed, an odd tone held in her voice. "I'd rather... be with you, still."

She looked down, unable to meet his eyes. As if to give her something to do, she pulled the furs up around them. "Let's lie back down for a little while?" she asked quietly.

She didn't want to think about packing, about leaving to a place she didn't want to go. Finding Rawign's hand, she gripped it, and lay back down. She wanted to enjoy this last night in Rawign's arms. They could always use flitters to keep in touch, she supposed, but it was different than actually sleeping in a bed with him, platonic or not. And after this experience... She would've liked to try it again. Why only now was she realizing there was so many other things she wanted to do with Rawign before she was forced to leave him? Closing her eyes, she squeezed his hand.

[glamourie]

She was awake. He'd woken her up, Shards. Rawign turned his head to look at Marra through long black curls that bobbled down around his eyes. He watched her sit up in the darkness, biting the inside of his lip to avoid speaking, though her question drew his gaze back to the damnable letter he clutched in one hand. He forced his expression to remain calm, which wasn't easy, though the hair in his face helped to disguise any slight signs of how upset he truly felt. He held the letter up for her to get a closer look, though his other arm wound around her shoulders, pulling her steadily closer to him, as though the more firmly he clutched onto her, the harder it would be to wrench her away. In the end, he'd have to let go, and he knew that. But Rawign didn't want to accept it and he was surprisingly good at denial when upset. Nothing so human as to reject that which upset him.

"Yeah," he explained, voice surprisingly quiet. The letter was tossed aside again, onto the pile of clothes on the floor, which earned an indignant cheep from Roxie; she'd been trying to bring that to him! He reached over with his free hand to pat the firelizard on the head reassuringly, and she gave a melodious trill before bouncing off to find Beggar in the dark. Once Roxie was out of sight, Rawign turned to lean his head against Marra's before asking quietly, "When do you leave?" Somehow he doubted that her talking to the MasterHarper would help anything. He didn't know him very well but in Rawign's experience, most men in positions of power in the north didn't exactly listen to anything women said, not publicly and not privately. Even his father... His father had tolerated his mother's opinions in private, but in public he would knock her sailing for daring to speak to him. Didn't Marra realize that? He didn't want to think about it; couldn't let himself consider that as even slightly an option. He'd tear himself apart if he let his mind linger too much.

Rawign closed his eyes and laid back in the furs, both arms winding around Marra's torso beneath them. He didn't care that they weren't wearing anything; he needed to feel her there, close to him. Just thinking made him feel like something inside had died. He'd never cared about anyone the way he did Marra and she was just - just leaving. It wasn't her fault, but some part of him was angry with her, though that was a little voice in the very far back of his mind. Most of his feelings were latching onto ways to convince her to stay, or maybe -- "Maybe I can go with?" It sounded pathetic, even to him. He didn't want to leave Selenitas, especially if she was being sent to the north, but... but if Marra was going to the north, he absolutely had to go with if only to keep her from harm. Right. Big bad Rawign, what was he going to do? Most men there could break him in two. He knew that. He didn't care. "You didn't say where you were going. Or when. Or how." Or why.

He was trying so hard not to admit that he didn't want her to go, though it showed in his voice despite his attempts to hide it. Rawign wasn't very good at hiding pain, even when he wanted to, and he was more upset than he'd ever been before. He couldn't even begin to describe how he felt. Words were worthless. For the first time in his life he was happy, despite being most efficiently a flop when it came to dragons. And he... just had to give it up? Like that?

... He couldn't bring himself to accept that. He just couldn't. If Marra went to the north, he'd find a way to follow her. If she stayed in the south, he'd transfer too. If that meant having to give up being a Healer, he wasn't sure he cared anymore. Especially if she was going north. He'd never be okay with her going alone. Marra was a big girl and could take care of herself, he knew that, but shards, she was the only person he felt comfortable around and he couldn't, wouldn't let that slip away willingly. He wouldn't tell her how much it bothered him, but he wasn't going to give her up without a fight. Maybe he could go talk to the MasterHarper? Though, he doubted it would do much good. Why he'd even speak to some lowly Journeyman Healer was beyond Rawign. No, that wouldn't work. But he was upset enough that most logic was lost on him, even as he tightened his arms around Marra's torso.

[Administrator]

Marra was appreciative of the firmness with which Rawign held her, and she found herself snuggling even closer to him in response. She felt protected, a warm feeling, yet she knew she wouldn't have it to bask in for too much longer. Watching as he carelessly tossed the letter aside, she rubbed his scarred back comfortingly, knowing he needed this sort of affection just as much as much as she did. She had practically memorized that entire letter, telling them they were pleased to inform her that she'd been chosen for a transfer, and they were lucky enough for it to still be in the south. However, they told her sternly, they hoped she learned more from being at Blossom than by spoiling herself with dizzying songs of dragonriding. They told her she needed to be more open to new songs- but if she wanted to discuss their reasoning... she would be more than welcome to have a private talk with the Masterharper.

At his question she was silent for a long moment. She hadn't stopped rubbing his back, nor did she want to. It was so soft, despite the bumpy lines of his scars. "I leave tomorrow," she replied gently, not looking up at him. She didn't want to seem overly-emotional if she did so. The Masterharper was always one who enjoyed doing things on late notice... Being wrenched away from one's home fast like that weakened the victim, she supposed. Well, she would talk with him. She wouldn't sink so low as to sleep with him, but she would certainly talk. Although, if she needed to sleep with him, her virginity was out of the way... But now. She was ashamed of herself of just thinking about that possibility. She would never succumb to it- she could just come back to Selenitas in six months at the worst, right?

She felt Rawign's arms slip around her as they came back down, and she did the same. She didn't want his closeness; she needed it. She loved how his fingers held her against him... His gentle healer-fingers... Nustling her head into his chest, she closed her eyes. How was the Masterharper to expect Marra to leave Rawign? Granted, the man didn't know Marra was involved with someone, but he wouldn't care. Northern men didn't care unless something was in it for them. Wondering if she could scrounge up all her savings to pay him off, she reassured herself. The Masterharper liked marks almost as much as women.

"You can't come with me, love," she told Rawign softly, looking up at him as she moved a hand to push his hair away. "Not only because you're a candidate. You're a healer. They need you here. Kali needs you to help her with injuries, and Threadfall..." Her words trailed off, unable to say anything more. Her voice was starting to crack, to crumble into something that wouldn't be able to be used to speak with. She swallowed, and moved her cheek up to rest right beneath his collar-bone. "Blossom. Tomorrow. Dragonback," she said shortly, new gruffness in her tone as she answered his three questions in one-word grunts.

Shard it, she thought. Her eyes were beginning to burn, the ever-predictable reaction to these sort of emotions. This... this was just unfair! Marra was usually the last one to cry out that sort of exclamation, but she felt it was true to use now. It was just not fair that she came to... like(?) Rawign, make love to him, only to leave like a little ghost. Marra was at a loss of why it was hurting her in her heart so badly at just thinking of being away from Rawign... Realizing the water was bubbling up past her eyes in defiant little droplets, Marra wiped at them quickly with the back of her hand, not wanting Rawign to notice. "I promise that I'll come back to you," she told him in a very quiet voice, almost inaudible, to mask the emotion behind it.

Letting out a quiet sigh, she reached for the furs, her arm slightly colder at the contact with the air, away from the warmth of Rawign's body. Pulling the furs to their neck, her arm retreated back under the furs. Moving around Rawign's neck, she pulled herself even closer to him to a point where it would be impossible to get any closer. "I can't leave you," she told him, her voice soft, chewing the inside of her cheek to suppress more tears from escaping. Closing them, she drew in one haggard breath before resting her forehead against his. The heat of her cheeks that were flushed with these upset feelings were noticed by Marra, but right now, it was the last thing on her mind. She paused for a long moment. "You did... succeed, you know," she finally told him, her voice getting more and more broken. "Sometimes, some people do thing for unselfish things. I noticed this the day you took care of me that first time." Now, her eyes were spilling all over again, much to Marra's shame, and her voice was rising in awkward octaves and tones that were affected by her crying. Clutching him, she shook in determination to try and stop her sobbing from vocalizing, and she bent her head back to his chest so he wouldn't see.

[glamourie]

Tomorrow? ... She... they had... one day left? Just one day? Not even that really since it was the evening... Shards. Rawign closed his eyes, focusing on the feeling of her hands against his back, moving over the so-sensitive scars. They'd only recently healed and the tenderness hadn't left them remotely. Her touch was comforting, to some degree, but also a unique brand of torture for which he had no words. One more day, if that. Less than a day really. Then... how long would it be before he could feel her hands against his skin that way, her warmth so close to him? Her voice? How long would it be before they could curl up together? It wouldn't even have to be like they were them, in her furs and unclothed; he'd trade all of it for the promise that Marra wouldn't really be gone, that he'd still have the chance to bicker back and forth with her over ridiculous things that meant nothing and everything at once. His insides felt numb, and he was lucky in that his face did not show the hurt he truly felt. Yet, anyway. It was only a matter of time before he broke, but he was doing a good job, or so he felt, of hiding how upset he truly was.

"Tomorrow," he echoed, as if the word was foreign to him. He tightened his eyes closed. It was everything he could do to keep from falling apart right then and there, to prevent himself from breaking down or exploding in fury. He didn't want Marra to leave at all, let alone so soon. The idea terrified him.

Her fingers in his hair made Rawign open his eyes again, slowly, as though afraid of what he might see. He refused to let go of her as some primal part of his mind believed that if he hung on, maybe Marra wouldn't be able to leave Selenitas, leave him. He was being stupid. Soon enough he would have to let go of her, physically at least, and the concept of her leaving seemed so final, so permanent, that he was frightened that letting go would be more than just physical in nature. Rawign wasn't good at that sort of thing. He didn't form emotional attachments easily. While he was nice to most people, or at least tolerant, he did not respond well to the idea of being hurt. And caring about someone only to have them yanked away on the whim of someone who couldn't care less who they hurt -- that was one of the worst feelings Rawign had ever experienced or imagined. His innards twisted into more knots.

And she was telling him he couldn't go with. That baffled and frightened him, for no matter how hard Rawign thought about it, he could see no logic for such beliefs. He was a candidate - but it didn't matter. If he didn't Stand, he didn't Stand. There were plenty of people on Pern, plenty of candidates to be chosen from! He wasn't needed! And Healers? Healers, indeed! There was I'ir, Lumari, that Luaralane and Trenlor, not to mention all the apprentices... He wasn't needed. He wasn't anything special. No one would miss him if he left, he was sure. Religna had Impressed Ith, and she would be busy with her. K'lir and K'ran both Impressed. Cezine had Impressed. Z'hin was already a rider. Everyone he knew would be busy. They wouldn't even notice if he up and left. The only person who mattered was Marra. Conveniently enough she was also the only person who cared enough to notice him most of the time, he was sure. How could she tell him to stay?

"Kalierre has plenty of people to help her tend to injuries." Those words probably sounded weaker than he wanted them to, but he felt as though some part of him had died, and was rapidly deteriorating inside. But... she was right. If he went with, what would happen really? He'd get into major trouble with the HealerHall and all he'd ever wanted to be was a Healer; he couldn't just throw that away, could he? Some part of him did believe it would be worth it, if that meant he wouldn't have to ever say goodbye to Marra. He hated the idea of saying goodbye. But if he went? What then? He had the sinking suspicion tht Marra would take him leaving, losing everything, very badly. Especially if it was just for her. No matter how much it seemed worth it to him, he couldn't bear the idea of hurting her that way.

Not that he seemed to be doing too good a job of avoiding hurting her to begin with. She was crying. His stomach tightened fully and his eyes went a little wide. Guilt had a texture in its own way, like slime trailing down one's skin, and that feeling drowned his entire being. His arms tightened around her, harder. "Blossom isn't far." He snuggled closer to Marra, unable to stop himself. That guilty feeling lingered long enough to make him feel nauseated. "Blossom has Gathers a lot, doesn't it? We can see each other every time there's a Gather, and Li will want to see Mona I'm sure.. we can write..." How he wanted to go with her, or .. or do anything to make those tears go away. He felt like someone had rammed a knife right into his shoulders. Give him pain, give him screaming, give him rejection, but never tears; he couldn't stand the idea of her crying. He wanted to try and say something comforting, but what was there to say? He was trying, but he felt so dead inside that trying didn't do much. He smiled, but it was a definitely sad expression, before he whispered, "I'll wait for you. For as long as it takes." Even if that meant forever? Yes. Maybe he was acting in haste or feeling, but he meant those words. He'd wait, as long as he had to.

Rawign gently pressed his lips to hers, the so-soft touch meant more comforting than anything else. "We'll get to see each other." He closed his eyes. Her 'confession' made him smile, the same almost sad smile as before. "I wish I could say you're right. But you're not, because that was selfish on my part." He tightened his arms tighter around her body and opened one eye. "It was pure selfish. I couldn't stand the idea of leaving you when you were obviously not okay. I couldn't bear the prospect of you suffering... because you mattered to me even then. Hardly counts as unselfish to me." Rawign lifted one hand to her chin, tilting her head up with his fingers, though his thumb moved to brush her tears away. "Don't cry. This won't be permanent. It won't. If I have to dig a tunnel to Blossom, it won't be permanent. And I'll write to you every single day. Long, involved letters." He forced a grin to his face. "Detailing all these boring details you couldn't care less about..."

[Administrator]

Marra shook her head sadly. She wouldn't let him give up his life just to chase her around Pern. "No, there's no use in you uprooting yourself when I'm going to move back here soon," she told him with quiet firmness. "And I want you to be a candidate. A healer and a candidate," she told him, gently sliding up to kiss his cheek. She hovered there for a moment, her uneven breathing warm against his skin. "I will come back," she added, trying to reassure herself as much as him, even though she knew that she was starting to become fearful. If the Masterharper knew how attached she was to the place, he might deliberately keep her at Blossom... Hiding this rising despair, she nestled her head through his arm to lie against his warm chest. "I promise I'll talk to the Masterharper soon," she said with as much firmness as she could. That much she needed- she wouldn't last a week without Rawign. Hell, she probably wouldn't last a day without his comforting arms...

And why did she have to cry?! She never cried... Rawign would think she was weak, think she was stupid girl. In a way, she was almost surprised as he held her to him. In a desperate attempt to stop, she wiped at her still spilling eyes. "Sorry," she muttered even as more teasingly flowed down to take their place. "I shouldn't be... This is stupid," she told him helplessly. She couldn't stand crying, and it was particularly embarassing in front of other people. Waving a hand in an attempted dismissal, she shook her head. "I just... I don't want to leave!" Letting another small sob explode out of her, she went on. "This is why I shouldn't get attached to people... I should just expect everything I have to be wrenched away. Everyone. Marra can't be allowed to love anyone, oh never, they all have to be forcibly taken from her grasp!" Her father did that, her mother sent her away to Harper Hall, she had tried to avoid attachment at Harper Hall but wound up with Jenicey anyway, left her when she moved to the Weyr, tried avoiding getting close and ended up finding Rawign... She clutched him even tighter, still doing a poor job of holding back tears.

Even the fact that Blossom wasn't far didn't make Marra feel any better. "But gathers still aren't often," she told him sorrowfully. "And that's for what? A few hours?" She was silent for a moment, just taking in the feeling of his skin against hers. He was so warm; how could she ever imagine how it was to sleep in a cold bed? "I'll write though," she told him softly. Another pause. "Maybe you can spend the night with me sometimes?" she asked quietly, in a hopeful whisper.

However, his last statement reassured her. Easing her arms around his neck, she brought her tear-streaked face close to his. "I'll wait for you, too," she replied just as softly, bringing a finger back around to stroke his cheek. "I won't even look at another man. You're the one I love." Not even registering what she'd said till a moment later, she blinked in surprise at her bold statement. Frantically, she searched his face, trying to make sure he wouldn't reject this. She flushed, her face defiant, as if daring him to just try and reject this newly-recognized knowledge. It was true, though... She loved him. If she didn't, she would never have let him be the first man to sleep with her. But she had loved him for longer than this, hadn't she? All evidence leaned towards having that fact be true. This epiphany made her despair even more at leaving him. How could she??

At Rawign's response, she smiled, her eyes bright, yet sad. "It's not selfish," she responded softly. "You genuinely cared about me over yourself. You could easily have gotten me help from a different healer. Yet you were the one who stayed. You got me food, let me sleep on your lap..." She blushed at the memory. Like Rawign, he must've been something to her even back then. Her chin trembled slightly as he lifted it up with a gentle finger. Her heart was positively aching to stay with him, now more tan ever. Sniffing as he wiped the tear from her cheek, she pressed herself against him so she could get as much skin onto his own, to suck up the comfort from every inch of his body that she could. Yes, she was aware just of how naked she was, but just increased sensuality, not lust, for Marra. They were more connected this way.

Trying to laugh, she shook her head at his wild suggestion. "Please don't dig. You'll embarrass yourself," she told him with forced amusement. But I'll write to you definitely every day, maybe even more." Kissing his lips gently, she took them back after a moment. "There's nothing I don't want to hear if it comes from you," she told him softly, her hand traveling to his hair. Running through the entire length of his black locks, she chuckled with obvious grief resounding through it. "Even if you tell me about... the dining hall food that night. Every little detail of dinner. And more." Kissing him again, she had a hunch that she would probably save every letter he sent her, even if each dinner he described was the same. Each one would be just as treasured to her.

[glamourie]

Rawign made a face that left no denying what he thought about that. What were the odds of him actually Impressing? Slim to none. No dragons wanted him before and it was unlikely any would want him anytime soon. He didn't think that standing again would change that he wasn't suited to Impress. Aslath's clutch was mammoth. Why would any dragon want him, if none from her clutch did? The logic seemed quite perfectly natural to him. And part of him didn't want to Impress. If he did Impress a dragon, what would happen to him if it flew? Or chased? What would happen then? The very idea made him feel nauseous and he pushed it back from his mind. He didn't want anyone else. Only Marra. Not that he was comfortable with telling her that. It seemed like such a big step or admission and the last thing he wanted to risk was to make her feel awkward when she was leaving... leaving him. Though, maybe it would hurt less if they were separated on bad terms than good? Maybe he would miss her less. Yet, even as he thought that idea, he knew he couldn't bring himself to intentionally pick a fight. He was angry and upset, and no doubt someone would feel Rawign's fury later on, but... no.

"We could always just... poison him?" Rawign suggested dryly. And he wished he was completely joking, but some part of him was actually working out the logistics of how hard it would be to poison a MasterCraftsman. Getting to HarperHall would require sucking up to one of the Dragonriders and there he'd have to arrange a meeting with the Master of a craft he was not a part of - which wouldn't be easy considering he was little more than a journeyman. Then there was the poison to consider, what exactly would be used and how to avoid detection, something a Healer would actually be good at figuring out considering they treated poisons, and --- no. No, he needed to stop trying to reason it out or he would have far more trouble keeping himself in check. He just hoped that the MasterHarper never found his way to Selenitas Weyr as Rawign wasn't sure he could avoid a drunken brawl with him. He'd lose, too. Fighting was not his strong point.

Her crying made him shake his head and Rawign tightened his arms around her shoulders before turning and leaning down so that he could press his lips against her cheeks to kiss away her tears, ever-so-gently. He didn't realize what he was doing or he might have been embarrassed at how ridiculous he was being. "You'll come back. Or I'll come to you. We will find a way to be together," he stated with such utter simplicity that there could be no denying he meant for it to be so. "If you can't get transferred back here, I'll find a way to get transferred to Blossom, and that's that. We don't have to be apart." He meant it, even though some part of him dreaded the concept of being alone.

She brought up a good point, though. Rawign sighed. "A few hours is better than nothing at all. And we can write. And I'll find a way to be allowed to stay. If I have to... I don't know, turn myself into Lauranna's slave to hitch a ride to Blossom to visit you, I will." And he'd write to her. He didn't write well, but he'd do so often, and detail everything he could, from the progress of the Weyrlings to how much he missed her (which he doubtlessly would) to even the weather. Ridiculously boring, but long and with a dozen hidden messages between the lines. He'd find a way to make sure every letter told a story and made sure she knew how much she was missed back at Selenitas. He would.

Rawign's face broke into a sad smile, and it was a wonder he didn't start crying too. Maybe if he was more sentimental but raised as he was, he didn't shed tears often and usually he did so in private. He was neurotic about that. Love? Love was a big word. He wanted so badly to reply that he loved her too, and some part of him felt sure he did, but... but he was afraid of what that word would imply. Still, truth was truth, in that he was sure some part of him did love her. And she probably needed to hear it, even if he wasn't entirely sure he was ready to admit such things aloud. "Love is an ultimately selfish emotion, in the end," he replied quietly, addressing both her confession and her response to his all at once. "Don't you see? It had to be me, because I love you. And maybe I loved you even then. I don't know. But I know that I couldn't stand the thought of you being alone, when you were obviously not well, and I didn't want to take you to the Infirmary - it's so... impersonal there. I wanted... to take care of you myself... and you let me. It was selfish. But every action can be viewed as selfish if you twist it just right."

His smile widened, and he laughed under his breath, thinking still of digging. "You don't want me to dig? But it might be funny. Rawign the Burrower. I could be like one of those grubs... or maybe the burrowing tunnelsnakes." His lips pressed against hers, more firmly than before, breaking only to whisper, "Details of every meal.. got it... every meal, every morning, every night... I'm not a writer but I can fake it pretty well if I try, I bet... you better tell me everything too. I want to make sure no one at Blossom is trying to steal you. I might set Li to follow you around constantly."

[Administrator]

Marra shook her head sadly, not even taking it as a joke that Rawign wanted to kill the Masterharper. "You know we can't do that," she told him sadly. It would've been nice to get rid of the thing that was robbing her of Rawign... "I will come back, I need to come back," she murmured. She will come back, she needs to come back. Her new mantra. Reassuring herself that she would definitely see him again, she closed her eyes briefly before forcing them open. No, she needed to keep her eyes on Rawign. There would be plenty of time soon to close her eyes, yet limited time to take in Rawign's face for these last few hours. Desperately thinking of what she could do to stay with him, she forced herself to calm even more. Surely the Masterharper could show some pity. She had asked few favors from him, and since this didn't affect him, maybe he would show a soft side to his prejudiced heart. Yet deep down, Marra doubted it.

"We'll find a way," Marra echoed, trying to build up confidence. Yet being so far from him for who-knows-how-long... Shards. It was hard enough trying to make friends in new places, but when she knew she had someone she loved in another place, Marra was worried about how she could even function. "We're never going to have to worry about me not getting transferred back," she told him, trying to sound more confident than she felt. "I'm sure the Masterharper will let me come back..." However, she didn't protest to the idea of him managing to get a legitimate transfer to Blossom if he needed. Though it was selfish, she almost hoped he would stay a healer so they could have a relationship that wasn't interrupted by dragons, including weyrlinghood and mating Flights... But that was a worry for another day.

Cocking an eyebrow at his suggestion of becoming Lauranna's slave, Marra rolled her eyes. "You could always ask Robika. I'm sure she'd be willing," she offered. She laughed a little, but it was without much happiness. "You wouldn't even have to be a slave. Stupid boy." Teasingly, she clouted his head lightly. She could almost picture him being a slave for Lauranna, fanning her with large fans, feeding her fruit... Hm. She might have to kill him if he did that. He was not allowed to feed fruit to anyone but her.

She sighed. "Those few hours will be cherished... We could probably even escape the hubbub of the gather for a while to ensure some time for ourselves," she told him, trying to sound bright. Even though this could cheer her, the thought of having a few short hours with Rawign being her sole bright spot in the time to come depressed her.

Gulping as he replied to her admitting her love, she was relieved, and happy in a bittersweet way. Great. This was just great. They admitted it, and were being pulled apart. Nodding slowly, she replied, "Well, at least this is selfishness that I don't mind." He loved her even back then? "I s'pose the same can be said when you were attacked," she murmured in reply. "I had Mona up watching you all night to tell me if you'd woken up. I didn't like the thought of anyone but me caring for you." And look where it brought them! "Just like I can't stand the thought of leaving you here... of being away from you." She paused, then a small smile flickered on her features. "Mutual selfishness. That must mean it's fine."

Chuckling a little, Marra kissed his nose lightly. "No digging," she said firmly. "And now being a slave." Rolling her eyes, she wriggled against him. "You're not a grub or a tunnelsnake. I squish bugs, and you'd be harder to sleep with as a tunnel snake." Returning the kiss vigorously, she let herself be sucked into his frame. When she was released, she gave him a hot stare. "Just trust me. Why would I want to be with anyone else?" Honestly, wasn't it common sense? Rawign could truly be dense at times! Yet she loved him anyway. How odd this sort of thing was. "But I will give you every detail I can possibly provide," she added slowly. Smiling, she reached her hand up into his hair, letting her fingers tangle in his dark mass. It was so soft... Did he think hers was as soft? Did he not notice these little details? Well, either way, she was going to miss his hair.

The smile faded. "I'll never let anyone steal me," she told him softly, almost reassuring herself as well as Rawign. She was still worried about meeting with the Masterharper, but she felt the pressure to sleep with him was lessened. If he truly did want his way with her, perhaps she could turn him off of the idea by letting him know he would never have the satisfaction of taking her maidenhood. And did Rawign know that this was... her first time? Blushing slightly, she told him in a soft tone, "Before I leave tomorrow, we should wash the sheets together." That was the subtlest way she could inform him of that fact, which wasn't very subtle, but boys were dense. Maybe he wouldn't pick up on it. In a way, Marra almost hoped he wouldn't. But hopefully this would also do the duty of reassuring Rawign that she wouldn't let some blonde-haired fairy from Blossom steal her away?

[glamourie]

".. Says who?" Rawign blinked innocently, though his mind was still reeling with prospects. "It might actually not be that difficult if it was timed correctly, and done properly. I'm sure there are more than a few drudges at HarperHall who would take the rap for it if someone found out what really happened but most poisons could be handled - well, delicately..." Why did he know so much about poisons? Well, aside from being a Healer, Rawign had actually specialized to some degree in poison-induced injuries in the north, when he was still an apprentice. The journeymen who helped train him were frequently called in on attempted assassinations on people in positions of power around the Hall and the nearby Fort Hold. It wasn't odd. Poisoning was one of many assassination types, but one of the trickiest to handle because of all the different variations. When it came to treating them, it was mostly centering around identifying... Rawign was better at that than most people were. Herbal potions. Everyone had their slight specialties and while he looked down on one total specialization, Rawign was no exception. Kalierre was a genius when it came to dragons. Lumari seemed excellent at emergency procedures, from what he'd heard about her vaguely. No one but him knew about his talent when it came to poisons. Well, him and Marra, now...

Still, she did have a point. He couldn't poison the MasterHarper, at least not immediately. Immediately would draw suspicions to Marra and that was the last thing he wanted. And... and Rawign didn't have it in him to kill someone without a really, really good reason. Yell maybe, but... he wasn't a murderer. He didn't have the stomach for coldblooded killing. It was why he hadn't lasted in the north, why he was happy to be transferred to the south, why some part of him was still afraid of dragons and why he'd become a Healer in the first place. He wouldn't risk being completely disbarred on a whim, even if he liked Marra a lot. He wanted to be worth something. The idea of just killing someone because they separated him from the woman he... loved? Loved? ... Well... he'd think it, but unless the MasterHarper did something horrid like send Marra to the North, he would not risk everything.

She sounded so sure the MasterHarper would willingly transfer her back. Rawign wasn't quite so sure. He didn't know the MasterHarper at all but for him to transfer her on such short notice was distinctly sketchy. He was sure that something had happened. Marra wouldn't have told him on such short notice unless she herself was told on relatively short notice. She didn't seem like the type to do that, and he genuinely believed she wouldn't hurt him that way. He wanted to believe the best of Marra, because she was the only person on Pern who meant much to him.

"I hope you're right," he whispered, and meant it. The idea of Marra being gone for ... for very long, it terrified him. As for Robika, Rawign blinked a few times. She was a greenrider; aside from that, he knew very little about her. He'd seen her around, and she seemed... down. But that was it, really. He didn't know anything about her and Rawign wasn't friendly, particularly with dragonriders. He tended to keep a healthy distance from them if he could. Z'hin and Kalierre were the only ones he spoke to much. "I don't know Robika. I've never really spoken to her and I don't feel right asking favors of someone I've not spoken to. Lauranna I've spoken to before, seeing as I ran into her at the Winter Solstice Gather."

Rawign sighed and snuggled closer to Marra, as if her warmth could take away the pain he felt inside. He didn't want her to leave. Would a few hours here or there be enough? Would it truly? He'd write - constantly. He'd tell her everything. He'd think of her constantly, send Li with images so that she had something to think about. Blossom wasn't far and maybe it would be more pleasant than most places. He didn't want to think of Marra as miserable. At the same time, he didn't want to think of her as being happy without him. He shook his head and smiled sadly. "I didn't even notice Mona." He hadn't noticed much before Marra came in. He'd been too out of it at the time. "I'm sorry for worrying you so much." He was, too, though he was sure he'd at least hinted to his apology long before then. Not that apologies did any good when things were past. But he felt better saying it. "Mutual selfishness. Right. We'll go with that."

He didn't really plan to dig until he found Marra. Digging that far would be really, really hard, not to mention that the ground in Southern was unstable. Some part of him did think it would be a good idea to travel to find her though... possibly on foot. He wanted to. Sure, he'd look insane, but he really would be if he had to go without Marra. And he wasn't sure he wouldn't offer himself up as a slave if a rider was willing to cart him back and forth. He decided not to point that out, instead snuggling close to her before smiling, his words whispered against her skin, "I trust you more than words can describe. It's everyone else I don't trust." He didn't think Marra would be swayed away from him unless that was truly what she wanted. However, did that mean no one would try? No. He wasn't willing to tolerate others trying, either. Roar. His. His eyes narrowed playfully and he looked up at her with the same half-smile, though it was a lot less sad; there was a distinct note of mischief in that look. "Mm. Sheet-washing. Bonding appropriate for all ages." He'd noticed the mess they'd made but... Rawign was determined not to mention it, lest Marra get annoyed and hit him with the pillow or something. Fiercesome, truly.

[Administrator]

And Rawign was thinking the whole poisoning thing through? Shaking her head in disbelief, she stated firmly, "No, I'll see if he has a good reason. Maybe... Maybe he actually has a better reason for transferring?" That was a long shot. But perhaps it would help calm down the healer. She didn't want him to be reduced to murder... She sighed. Even if the Masterharper could procure a logical reason for transfer, she would have to have him change it. She loved Selenitas. The waterfall, the people, the dragons, Rawign... Gripping him tightly, as if worried an invisible force might pull her away, she knew she was getting desperate. She knew the Masterharper. She knew he wasn't the type to send people away for their health. In her stay at Harper Hall, there was a journeywoman who had fallen in love with another man, and became pregnant. In an act of selfish cruelty, he transferred the father and sent the baby into fostering against the mother's wishes. That woman had nearly killed herself, until the Masterharper told her in his silky way that if she granted him one favor, they would return. Sure enough, the babe and her lover had returned, but what that favor was seemed to have weakened the woman mentally. She quit harpering and secluded herself away out of, presumably, shame. Would that be Marra next? She felt her body tense.

Like hell it would be, she thought grimly. He wouldn't be after anything like that, she reassured herself. She wasn't even that attractive. Somehow, this calmed her all over again. Bellata was a gorgeous woman, so that was why the Masterharper wanted her. Yet she was Marra. The grumpy recluse. Making her body be not so tense, she slumped into Rawign's comfort once more. She had nothing to be scared of... Letting her hands lightly slip down his side, she slowly felt Rawign skin beneath her fingers. She needed to memorize it. When would be the next time she would have the chance to feel it again? These thoughts were so depressing to think about... Shells. She wasn't going to survive at Blossom. That much she did know.

Marra could practically feel her heart crack right down the middle as Rawign told her that he hoped it would work. She could tell from his eyes that he was telling the truth. "Don't make me cry again," she murmured, already feeling her eyes burn. "I'll hate you if you do," she warned him, though that lie was obvious. Damn him. Nobody in her entire life had had this effect on her. Trying to stow those feelings away, she brought her lips agaist his firmly, closing her eyes to try and shoo tears back to their ducts.

Breaking it with extreme reluctance, she looked at him, meeting his green eyes with her own blue-gray ones. "I don't care how you do it, just make sure you visit as often as you can," she told him in a low voice. "Robika, Lauranna, anyone. Just... find a way." Any other day, she would've kicked herself for asking such a favor, but how was she to help it? She needed Rawign desperately, just like oxygen. It was almost amusing. Any number of months ago, she would have protested being involved with a man this much. They were only after one thing, she had thought. Well, she was proved wrong and growing increasingly dependant on a man. And she was fairly sure he felt the same way with her. It was a symbiotic relationship, she thought. Or something along those lines.

Surprised, she raised an eyebrow. He was apologizing? Rolling her eyes, she replied, "You couldn't help their stupidity. I... I might have been too hard on you." Giving him a guilty half-smile, she chuckled. "I was worried... but it's nothing to apologize for. We're even... You seemed worried when I didn't sleep." She turned pink at the memory. He had blown up on her after she had come to. She knew even then that she had deserved it. "I'm sorry, too... For making you worry." Twining as much as her body as she could, she snuggled with him once again, even though their bodies physically couldn't get any closer. But doing this gave the illusion that they could.

She flushed even more deeply as he said he trusted her. Great. She brought up her virginity (in a very roundabout sense, of course) for no reason. Not that he seemed to have noticed anyway. So she was safe, Marra supposed. Though, it would mean he was dense if he didn't pick up on that hint! Why else would she suggest washing the sheets? Just because it sounded fun? She sighed. She needed to stop herself before getting too wound up. "We could always make it more... memorable, though," she suggested, trying to sound as mischievous as he sounded. So long as she eased the conversation away from that little detail, anything would be game with her. Yet she felt her face was just as hot, and probably red. Just great.

[glamourie]

A better reason for transferring her? Was Marra truly so naive? From his experience, people in power were corrupt and untrustworthy. While Shmee and S'rei did not appear to be, he would not claim to know them, and he didn't trust anyone who held a real position in the north. Actually, in truth, Rawign did not trust very many people. There was Marra... and Z'hin, sort of. Maybe his sister, though in all honesty, having found her again after four turns, he still felt isolated from her as though they were worlds apart, which likely stemmed from the fact that she was a rider and he was not. But... aside from them, did Rawign really, truly trust anyone? He liked Kalierre and Cezine. But he didn't trust them. And he certainly didn't trust K'lir or K'ran. The only person he put any faith in was Marra and... the idea of her leaving still upset him more than he was willing to outwardly acknowledge, anyway... It would be quite awhile before the Healer fully embraced the idea of Marra being gone. He didn't want it to come to that level of acceptance, though. Rawign wanted to imagine Marra coming back, but his pessimistic nature wasn't counting on it at all.

Catching her wrist, Rawign brought her hand to his lips and gently kissed the pads of her fingers, one at a time. A faint smile flashed over his features and he looked down at her as he tried to focus on that feeling and not the feeling of abandonment welling up inside of him. If he could take the feeling of comfort that having her so close provided and cling to it when she was gone, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe he could keep that as something tohold onto when everything else around him fell apart. Maybe. "I don't mean for you to," he said quietly, "and upsetting you is the last of my intentions..." What had he said that would have her crying, anyway? He didn't think he'd done anything so off...

Rawign gently kissed Marra's cheeks, just below both of her eyes, before tightening his arms on her again. He was being overly affectionate and he knew it but would he get another chance soon enough? Unlikely. His grip remained firm as he smiled. "I will," he whispered, a promise in its own way. He'd either beg Lauranna or crack and ask Robika even though he didn't know her. And once Z'hin was well and Jessereth could fly between on his own he'd ask Z'hin and Jessereth to take him. He would feel more comfortable bothering them than anyone else. "There is no force on Pern that will keep us apart permanently. None. If I had to walk I'd find my way to you. Okay? So don't worry."

Of course, he'd do his very best to prevent having to walk. As for her being hard on him, Rawign just smiled. Yes, she was, but he hadn't been too upset by it because he'd known she was just worried. He felt bad though for worrying her as much as he had. Unfortunately, "Their stupidity was as much mine. No one made me run down there with Jessereth. No one forced me to do anything. It was my stupidity as much as theirs. Jessereth and Z'hin kept me from getting hurt much worse, too," he stated softly. "You owe me no apologies for anything... you were right." He shrugged, tightening his arms around her. Just because she was right though didn't mean that he had changed his perspective. He'd known what a risk he was taking... and Rawign did not regret it in the least. Not in the least. There were worse ways to die. And... at the time he hadn't minded the idea so much. That had changed.

A slender eyebrow did raise, though, at Marra's next words and tone. His face broke into a silly smile. "But then it won't be appropriate for all ages." He brought one hand up to the back of her neck and then kissed her again, gentle. "Not that I'm protesting, mind... in fact... what're we waiting for again...?"

[Administrator]

Marra found herself smiling as Rawign took her wrist. Though her mind couldn't completely leave her worry, she tried to let it go for now. For now, she should just concentrate on her love of Rawign, how these little actions could minimize her worries. Pushing any outside thoughts, she let herself enjoy his touch, how he kissed her sensitive fingers. Closing her eyes, she just let the sensation overcome her senses. All that existed now was Rawign's soft kisses. Snuggling against him, she wriggled her body against his, loving this feeling, and attempting not to be sorrowful that she wouldn't have much longer to enjoy it. "It's all right," she murmured, willing herself to calm down. She needed to stop overreacting, and just enjoy the time she had. Forcing her breathing to become regular, she leaned against him, bringing her lips to his collarbone. Slowly bringing them upwards, she went to his earlobe, finding it blindly. Teasing it gently for a few moments, she ended it by kissing his jawbone lightly.

She relaxed even more as he kissed her again. This would all be fine, she reassured herself. Truthfully, she loved his over-affection. Of course, she would have made fun of him for it if she was staying at the Weyr, but right now, it just made her feel so protected. Marra was further comforted at his reply. Once again, she did not doubt his sincerity. Forcing herself to breathe slowly to resist crying again, she was determined. It would work, she told herself. Rawign was right. Even if she was forced to go to Benden, they wouldn't be seperated. They would be together in the end.

Rolling her eyes at Rawign, she easily could have argued, but simply couldn't bring herself to do so. She didn't want to spend these last hours with him being angry ones. "Sure, be stupid," she replied with a sigh. She paused, then smiled. "Except I don't like being with stupid boys," she added softly. "Say you're sorry, or else I'll get out of bed." Another lie. She had not the foggiest desire to leave their bed. However, she did teasingly roll away from him ever-so-slightly. She could be tricky when she wanted to be.

Speaking of which... She smiled shyly at his suggestion. It was odd, getting used to the idea that her body was now free to do what she wanted to do. The idea was a welcoming one, too, which was especially pleasing to Marra. Slowly nodding, her smile rapidly expanded. "Not waiting for anything," she replied almost eagerly, pushing his hair back. Once it was out of his face, her lips found his mouth, taking firm hold on it, wanting to treasure the passion one more time.