I’ll promise you this love will never die ~ (Demi)

[Rei]

Her nights off used to be something Erilena looked forward to. Anticipated and enjoyed. Now they were just like any other night. Only with more time to burn and not enough action to fill the void. The greenrider ended up keeping herself almost unthinkingly busy. It helped some when she didn’t pause to consider things. It didn’t stop her from lying awake in the mornings though, thinking about the same damn things she avoided during the night, but at least in her constant action Erilena had some peace. The greenrider had cleaned her weyr completely on her last night off, the night before that visited Kalierre in the infirmary because she knew that the woman would not turn down an extra pair of hands. It was not all that hard to find things to occupy her nights when she tried. Tonight however she had made cupcakes. Which was a ironically one of the stupidest things she could have maybe ever done. It brought all those memories crashing unfailingly through her brain and the greenrider spent the majority of the time they were baking with her head in her arms sobbing.

Really Erilena felt far too alone currently. Her closest friends had mostly fled to Burimyu or fled in general. Her best friend and weyrmate was gone, and possibly never coming back. Worst part was it was all her own fault. Erilena had done it to save him. She was desperate to see him better at any cost. Dmitri meant more to her then the harper might ever likely know. The pain of that loss, at certain times, was almost more than she could bare. Even after almost a month of complete separation her heart still yearned for him daily. The desire to see his face, hear just one softly spoken word, or look into those eyes she loved was almost unbearable in it’s intensity but she stayed away. Because if she didn’t, what would become of him? That stupid saying absence makes the heart grow fonder was ridiculously true it seemed. Either that or Dmitri had kept her heart with him that night she left. Because try as she might it still completely and utterly belonged to him. Erilena had the suspicion that it always would. She’d never loved anyone with the intensity that she loved the harper.

It was almost pathetic wasn’t it? This constant hope. Hope that she would see him smile, hear him laugh. Faranth even if it wasn’t her. Even if Erilena never got to physically see Dmitri again. The knowledge that the handler was there and okay would be enough. Love was like that though. At least true love was. It bore, hoped, believed, and endured all things. Despite the pain that it caused her the greenrider couldn’t help but bare it and keep her hope alive. A enduring light in the dark. As she finished frosting the last cupcake Erilena sat in silence, contemplating them as she regained her composure. Time to gift them away. There was no way that she could bring herself to eat anything currently. Tucking them all safely into a basket, she cleaned up and made her way out into the night.

In the end it wasn’t all that hard to give all of them away, save one. Shouldn’t really have been surprised about where her feet had taken her when she let her mind blank. Standing near the entrance to the handler apartments Erilena leaned against the cool stone even as rumbles of thunder began in the distance. Should go home. Before the approaching storm got closer. But that terror that normally gripped the greenrider’s heart was near gone. Replaced by an all encompassing and aching sadness and a ridiculous song. His voice, lovely even in it’s singing those humorous lyrics, the amusement shining in those blue grey eyes. It was almost humorous in a way. That even things as terrifying to her as storms made her think of him now. With one final deep sigh Erilena slipped into the corridor with a silent promise. She would just leave it and go. No matter how badly she wanted just one glimpse. Why reignite his pain and ultimately her own?

It was the first time Erilena had approached Dmitri’s door since the night she let him go. Every step made harder by the knowledge that even in freeing him she had caused her friend more pain than anyone ever had a right to. If the greenrider could take back any of that pain she would. Might possibly sell her soul to right it. But in the end life didn’t work that way and no amount of wishing could turn back time or fix what she had broken. At least Dmitri should be out and about by now. Patrolling with Dmisk. It made it both slightly easier and at the same time made her feel terrible. Like she was sneaking around somewhere where she shouldn’t be. Which really was probably the truth. Shouldn’t be here. Cradling the cupcake in it’s cloth she bent to set it down somewhere near the door where he would see it and paused. The door was open by only a few inches. Hazel eyes focused on that small opening for a few moments. Her heart at war with her mind. But as always her heart won out.

Was there any real harm in looking one last time at Dmitri’s empty room? Letting all that belonged to him, his scent, his presence, surround her for even just a few moments? Besides, Erilena reasoned, his cupcake would just get smashed or stolen if she left it there outside. Near silently the greenrider eased the door open and with a quick look to make sure there was no witness she almost guilty slipped inside, easing the door back to almost shut behind her. Only then did she turn to fix hazel eyes on a room that certainly was not actually empty.

In her sudden surprise Erilena almost dropped the cupcake as her eyes fell on an all too familiar form. It was hard to tell in the faint light if Dmitri had noticed her yet or not, and she felt her heart beat quicken in her chest. Now what? Slipping out seemed ridiculous but neither could she find words. In the end the greenrider simply stood there and took in every line of her best friend and love. As if afraid that he would disappear if she dared to even breathe wrong.

[Requiem]

Late. Dark. Should be out, out with Dmisk, but the blue had barred his way. Bared teeth in a silent snarl. It was unusual for the wher to be that demonstrative, even toward Dmitri, preferring to communicate in more elegant forms. Words. Or words as whers rendered them. Which, again, Dmisk did on an entirely different level. He needed no emotional flavorings to convey his meaning. Did so with such elacrity you would have thought it was entirely verbal. For the male to physically bar the way and show teeth...

The harper's eyes swept briefly over the room, over the scattered small disorganized piles of discarded clothing. If there was any rhyme or reason to it it was by the day, a trail from one end to the other. He'd already engaged in the mental exercise of tracing clothing and matching it to memory, seeing the different trails across the room, a good dozen times at least over the last sevenday. That's about as long as it had been since he'd gotten clothing laundered. He wouldn't, either, until he was about to run out. Then there would be no trails to follow in this mindless fashion, would there. The messiness somehow was good. Yes. Though he'd always been a neat and clean person, it didn't feel right. A bare floor. Everything in its proper place and free of dust and clutter.

Only the instrument was cleaned. Sparkling. Oiled. Not just recently, but over and over so many times in the last several nights that it was like to take a permanent shine. The strings were pitched perfectly. It was the only sound to be heard from the instrument he'd created, the 'abacus.' The brief pluck for pitch, the miniscule adjustments. Tighter, looser, as the tension slacked by minute increments over time and the heat of the air changed the pitch slightly.

Tempted to go over and check the pitches again. That would involve moving from his position where he sat half-sprawled on the foot of his bed. Could feel it in his pocket, a coiled lump with other smaller lumps to make up the whole. Burning against his thigh with almost a malevolent heat. Or was that Dementia, in the corner, her body thickening with the clutch she'd soon be laying? In a restless sleep. She either seemed to be on the prowl for eggs - preferably flitter eggs - or in this state of almost-waking. It did not make for good sleep for either of them.

The glow basket remained almost fully covered, giving off just the barest sliver of light. He found he preferred it that way. Hot. Dementia. Even Selenitas was not this hot in winter. Dmitri could not abide a shirt; his chest was slick with sweat. A crack in the wall. His eyes lingered there, at the small crater, the spiderweb cracks radiating outward. And the ever-widening crevice that had started as a crack. Some weakness in the general structure of the wall. Crippled hand stroked the knuckles of the other. Lingered on the oddity of bare fingers for a moment before continuing the slow rubbing of a phantom pain.

Eyes regained some semblance of spatial knowledge. He didn't look immediately. Perhaps waiting for them to leave. His solitude...something he hated and loved in equal measure. But the bronzehandler it no doubt was didn't leave. Without looking, he spoke in the tired, almost dull tones of a man weary in a way that went beyond flesh. "I've no interest, Piden."

Finally he turned his head. Dark blue-grey eyes widened slightly, likely lost to the general darkness. Took her in with a certainty that was more intimate familiarity with her form and bearing than actual sight. Widened, then the neutrality returned to the face. Slack. There was a sound. Something strange in his throat, unable to be likened to anything else. Not a whine or a grunt or a laugh or dismay. Something like a combination of all those and something else indescribable.

A soft chuckle escaped his lips then. Thunder rumbled outside. The real one would be huddled under her sheets in a trembling mass. The real one...would not be here. Certainly not with a cupcake. The coiled lump of necklace and ring in his pocket, given to him the night she broke up with him in that infuriating way she had of being self-righteous and meekly humble at the same time that left him incapable of much in the way of anger...hot. Hotter. Burning.

His mind was not kind in its conjurations. "Why do you linger there?" Softly, oh so softly. So what if he was speaking to empty air and memory and longing? There was no one here to judge. Not even the creatures that shared his mind. Fingers traced absently over the scarring on his chest. "Come. If that's your purpose." Seemed more solid than before, the others just flickers of memory that left him breathless. Most likely it was the thunder. Come, spirit. Haunt me.

[Rei]

Dirt and Disarray. Erilena’s eyes moved from Dmitri to briefly take in the apartment in it’s entirety. Only the abacus he had made was clean. Pristine even. The room spoke volumes so he didn’t have to. Pain. The harper had always been a clean person. Ridiculously neat. So for him to live like this? The heart that had been previously rapidly beating felt as through it was being squeezed as white hot pain blossomed in it. This was all so wrong. Dmitri wasn’t supposed to feel like this. He was supposed to be better. She had done this for him. To save him. He wasn’t supposed to still be dying. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes but Erilena held them back. She had cried so much. Each tear for him, but right now tears wouldn’t help anything. It was almost ironic in a sense. How they dealt with things in their own personal hells. The greenrider kept her place ridiculously pristine and he let his fall into disarray. Her entire being was raw and out there and he seemed so…..so very not there right now. Dmitri…

Finally it seemed that the seated harper had noticed a presence however. The sentence he uttered was so weary, carried a certain exhaustion that went far deeper than it should have. "I've no interest, Piden." It was the first time she had heard his voice in so long. And it was all wrong. So wrong. Erilena struggled to struggled to find the words to respond as she stood there still holding that silly cupcake. But before she could form a sentence Dmitri had turned towards her. His expression could not be read in the darkness but the way his body froze momentarily told her that at least some recognition had been made. Then the harper made a noise. Just what it was the greenrider couldn’t quite place. Something she never heard before and it made her want to sprint that small distance to him and hold him. Hold him and refuse to let go. Hold him for all eternity. Force that pain out of his body even if she had to take it all on herself.

But how could Erilena do that when he wasn’t even there? A crash of thunder had her almost dropping the cupcake she hadn’t realized she was holding. The terrifying sound being chased away by a soft chuckle. But it wasn’t like any of the ones she had ever heard from Dmitri before. The noise freed her frozen feet however and the greenrider moved, half stumbling a step towards him even as he spoke. The question the harper almost whispered into the darkness didn’t halt her steps as she picked her way over the mess that represented his current being towards him. Like a moth drawn to flame, like a blind person desperately seeking the light.

Her heart felt like it was going to explode out of her chest. Like it was being stabbed repeatedly. His pain echoing in her head like some demented mantra that just would not go away. Erilena desperately wanted to stop it. Wanted to give Dmitri something solid to lean on and hold. Give him everything. Everything she had left that he didn’t already own. Force him back from whatever void he was currently living in. Because right now it seemed the harper was in a place no better then hell.

The cupcake somehow found a place on the cluttered table, although Erilena never remembered setting it there. Hands reached out to lay alongside each side of Dmitri’s face, his hot skin feeling as if it was burning her. “Dmitri, Demi, Puppy...” Her soft voice wavered on the last word. What had he meant by if that’s your purpose? Her only purpose was to try and wrest him back from whatever this was. Free him. Help him. To attempt to break free some sort of light in those eyes that currently looked so wrong, some facet of the real him. “I’m sorry.” The whispered words were laced with pain and a sincerity that was hard to deny. Had she been wrong? Wrong in freeing Dmitri. How could this be better than what he had been in before? How could any of this be right?

A tear rolled down her face as her fingers moved up into the harper’s hair, the action meant to be comforting, tangible. Then Erilena simply wrapped her arms around Dmitri’s neck and head and pulled him into her chest, her grip strong and unyielding. Maybe she shouldn’t be here. But damn it. He needed someone and the greenrider would give anything to help him right now. Anything. “Come back. Can’t have you damn it. I won’t let it have you.” The soft words were murmured into his hair as her eyes closed. Didn’t care that he was sweaty or messy. That didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Nothing but this moment and the fact that she never wanted to let him go. Would rather die then watch him go though another minute like this.

[Requiem]

Responding to the thought before the words. But why not? If she was in his mind anyway, of course she would. Then the hands were touching him and it was her voice, just as he remembered it over these last several months, full of pity. Pity. The quiet, sad, half-desperate...pity. Puppy had annoyed him once, that nickname, which of course compelled her to use it all the more often. Women liked him annoyed it seemed.

They didn't like him like this. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to be like to please them, but apparently Raebeli found him depressing. Well, she didn't have to bother with him now. He'd just sit here. And make up women when the thunder crashed. Because apparently it wasn't enough to be feeling this terrible numbness. Wanted the pain but it wasn't there. Nothing. Nothing at all. Maybe that was why his memory was being so traitorous, looking for something to feel.

The hands were warm. Eyes went up to the dimly lit face a split second before she crushed him against her. He didn't fight it. Didn't move at all. Not, at least, until he felt trouble breathing and realized this was a real live person, solid enough to smother him. A small shudder went through him, face turning against the slope of breast to breathe. Her words made no sense to him. Wouldn't have even if he'd made out the words, but he wasn't paying even that much attention.

Hands traced in something like disbelief, a blind grope of her waist, her stomach, her ass and thighs. No, it was her. Erilena. Beyond a doubt, even though it was thundering out, this creature was definitely her. Words came softly then, Dmitri pushing her back by the hips. There was a certain thickness to it. "What...Erilena?" What had she said? What was she doing here? Just...what.

He didn't want her here. The thought was not one that crashed in like a wave, but rather rose up out of the black depths of silence. A small but undeniable thought. Dmitri didn't want her here. Not now. Not ever. His own words liked to mock him, promises given too easily. He wouldn't abandon her, he'd said. But could it be called that when she'd cast him aside? Guilt. It could.

Words he could fight and use. Her close proximity was a different matter. It was too easy to let her hold him and not move, to drink in warmth's comfort, a comfort that would shatter when she spoke. Dmitri was weak. The wherhandler didn't want her to speak. Leave, leave, leave, the words a silent mantra, but she wasn't a mental construct. She wouldn't hear them. His body acted separate and he clung to her with an air of desperation. He shoved his tongue as far down her throat as he could. Leave, leave, leave. Reject me completely. There was no freedom in this, in the random gifts she left him or the looks he caught across a room when his attempts to avoid her failed...

Leave. She was pulled tight against him. Don't say anything. I can't abide your voice. Leave. Shut up. Leave. Holding her as if he could force her to take him back. If only she wouldn't talk. No don't think of that now. The kiss was possessing. Silencing. He couldn't hear her speak. Talking all altruistically about how she was going to 'let him go' and handing back the ring, feeling his struggles and pain falling out of the bottom of him with all the rest.

If only she wouldn't talk, speaking the lies that stabbed at him, that he couldn't say much about because she believed them herself. He'd tried to make her understand. Hands tugged at her clothing. Don't speak. Leave! But he couldn't stop the grasping hands, and he couldn't break the kiss for fear of what she'd say. He didn't know if he had anything left to absorb them again.

[Rei]

Tight the embrace was, and for a few moments Erilena did believe she could just hold him forever. That she’d never have to move from this spot and could just exist. Frozen here with him. But the turning of Dmitri’s face against her breast broke that spell. A flash of something like guilt quickly ran over her. Hadn’t meant to smother him. Those words were true in so many ways. As his hands blindly groped her body she submitted to the touch. Letting him come to the realization on his own that yes this was really her. Not some illusion or dream. The greenrider understood because she had those dreams and ghostly visits too. When she laid in bed alone at night curled up in one of his shirts in the spot he used to lay in, imagining his arms around her. Never wanting to wake from the dreams that Erilena wished with all her heart could be reality.

Finally Dmitri’s hands stopped at her hips and the harper was easing her back. Part of Erilena wanted to fight the distance. Refuse it utterly. Stay there holding him forever like she had planned, but with a trace of reluctance she again submitted to his desires and moved the small distance back from him. Hazel eyes fixed on his face then as he spoke. Her name, and at the same time some sort of questioning. The greenrider was both glad and strangely disappointed it was her name. When people called her Lena now Erilena wanted to scream, and she would never be able to abide the word beautiful again either. For a few moments there was silence as she examined Dmitri’s face, committing it to memory before she decided to answer his question. Had no idea exactly what he was asking in all honesty but her mind had come up with an answer anyway.

Could have just said ‘yes it’s me’ or something similar. Instead the words she offered were soft, almost desperate. “I love you Dmitri. I…” But before another word could escape her lips his mouth was upon hers, Erilena’s words being strangled in her throat by his tongue. It was shocking in it’s suddenness. That shock faded quickly however as his arms encircled her, his body pressing up against hers with a force that almost made it hard to draw breath. The harper pulled her flush against him as if desperate to keep her there, his mouth still claiming hers in a kiss that left her breathless. She didn’t fight. Words were not something that the greenrider felt would help anything anyway.

Erilena submitted to the kiss as her own arms circled about Dmitri almost of their own accord. Her mind racing as it sought to outpace the emotions now flooding her. Then suddenly it was like something just snapped. The greenrider’s own mouth was suddenly working back against his with force as her fingertips dug into his skin, her body rising to press against his with all the force she could muster. As if by that action alone she could somehow meld into him.

One night, towards the very end, when they were still struggling together Erilena had pleaded with him. Just let me show you what I cannot express with words. His answer had been sincere and with almost a trace of pleading, she had left the matter alone. But now there was no chance for words. Dmitri’s desperation coupled with Erilena’s own awoke this burning need in her. It went far beyond something physical.

Tonight, even with the violence crashing outside, she was completely and utterly letting it all go. Letting her actions speak where she could not. All her love, her need, every little portion of herself was being given. To Dmitri. The only person in her life that Erilena had ever felt full and complete acceptance from. Who she loved with her entire heart and soul. No matter what had been muddled between them, that fact had not changed. Nor would it ever. In the deepest parts of herself there was no doubt about that. Whether or not he’d understand she didn’t know. Maybe he wouldn’t, but maybe some part of him would. Her hands moved to caress along his bare skin, memorizing, caressing even as his own groped at her clothing. The greenrider didn’t fight them, let them strip her not only physically but in soul.

Finally with no barriers between them, but the invisible ones either of them chose or didn’t choose, Erilena broke the kiss. Didn’t speak a word just tried to find Dmitri’s eyes before she again claimed his mouth and gave him everything she could.

*Fade Out*

~~~~

*Fade In*

As she lay panting beneath the familiar heaviness of Dmitri’s warmth Erilena tried not to think. Wanted the moment to continue onward forever. Wanted to stay connected and in his arms and never leave. Wanted with all her heart to believe that this was a possibility. The greenrider sucked in a deep breath as her heartbeat slowed and she let the exhaustion she was feeling start to claim her.

Some small part of Erilena realized that when she woke up Dmitri would probably be gone. But she had given him all that she could, tried to impart onto him all she was able. That no matter what he’d always be her best friend, that she’d always be there and accepting. Waiting. Closing her eyes she buried her face into his neck and took in his scent. Her Dmitri. “I’ll always love you.” Came the soft murmured words as the sleep that had for so long evaded Erilena these past months finally stepped in to claim her.

[Requiem]

What had he done? He managed not to tear himself away or stiffen, not wanting to hurt her. Even still. The maelstrom of thoughts and impressions had all steadied out to just one thought. One repetitious thought that came with the beating of his heart. Mistake. Dmitri hoped she'd understand. He truly did. When her breaths evened in sleep he waited longer. Minutes. Then eased off her and replaced his warmth with his furs.

Pulled on pants and almost fled to the bathing rooms, Dementia cupped in his palms. If she woke with him gone she'd kick up a fuss like to wake the dead. There he scrubbed at his guilt until his skin was red and raw, until his arms grew tired and the warm waters began to lull him. The man stared at the waters of the communal baths with a certain mindlessness, her touch still ghosts of sensation on his skin.

It might have been a tear. Or simply water from his hair, taking the same path. Probably the water droplet; he felt nothing. It was...a good feeling. By the time he returned she would be gone from the bed. And that's the way it should be.