I Think I’ve Finally Lost You (Wide Open)

[Rei]

“Shut up you! What do you know about it?” The wine glass shattered against the stone wall into a thousand glittering shards. The sound of tinkling glass served as punctuation. He had intentionally missed his target. The attack had been an attempt to shut the mandyr up. Sadly it hadn’t worked. Vanity scrambled across the stone weyr to seek refuge under the bed. Badbadbad. No hurt. Please? Sorry is. She implored, trembling and pressing herself against the stone floor. Do not know. Never hurt. Hers was acting strangely again. This was not something she liked. She would have to ask Lust about it. Her king always had the right answer. “As if I have ever hurt you Harpy. Don’t be an annoyance.”

Sel’n dropped his head to his hands from his place at the table after speaking. Mentally he went over his pervious conversation with his dragon. Kaaoloth was now asleep. He had been drugged safely into unconsciousness by the dragonhealers in an attempt to give him some much needed rest. Still the memory of their last conversation persisted.

“Give me one good reason Kaaoloth. One good reason why we shouldn’t just leap between and disappear. You see the way they all look at me…” The man practically screamed, Swiping his arm in finalizing gesture at the dragon. The brown gazed at his with a cloudy yellow gaze. It is all in your head. No one looks at you any different. Stop spouting nonsense. The Weyrlingmaster took one step towards his dragon. “Liar. You see it to.” Curling his hands into fists he shook. “How can I blame them? I hate myself to. Did you see what they did to R’wign? Did you! That is all my fault.”

His eyes whirled faster as his bonded spoke and the brown growled. What do you want me to say Sel’n? Anything I say to you won’t matter. You will disagree with me in some way. The dragon’s tone was sharp and angry. You think I like seeing you like this! Damn Fort! Damn Selenitas. Damn them all. The man whirled on his dragon then and slammed his fist down onto the table, causing it to shudder from the force of the blow. “Don’t go blaming them for this. It’s our fault damn it. I should have died. You should have let me.” Kaaoloth snarled then teeth flashing in the dying light of the glows.

You of all people should know better than that. He spat hissing, eyes taking a tinge of red and orange. How dare you even utter those words. A sudden realization shot through the brown and he stopped to compose himself. Something, anything other than anger would do. There was enough anger. He settled for sorrow. Please don’t do this. Please Selarinmine…You don’t need to. It doesn’t help. It makes it worse. Please….

That was when the dragonhealer had interrupted and cut them off. Soon it was silence, for they had administered a drug to soothe the brown to sleep.

Suddenly Sel’n forcefully shoved himself from the table and left the weyr. The door slamming hard on his way out. Vanity peeked out from her hiding place then. Is gone. She said quietly to no one in particular. Is sick. Very sick. The small green hissed before scrambling out of her hiding place and squeezing under the door. She must watch hers. He was being such a dummy.

No it wasn’t the answer but it did help. If only for a short time. Sel’n fought to regain some semblance of composure as he walked through the deserted hallways. This time of night not many where awake. The people who where awake where either bonded to a wher or insomniacs. Either way not likely to mess with him. Finally he had reached his destination. The abandoned weyrs. Unused for now. Stepping into the empty room his footfalls echoed. The noise was almost comforting. Making his way to the weyrledge he leaned against the wall and pulled out a vial of fellis. Staring at the liquid in mediation he wavered, curling his hand around it reflexively. Why was this all so hard? Hadn’t he been through worse?

He had originally used it to help himself sleep. Now it was becoming a way to cope. Unknown to him small yellow glowing eyes watched from her position on a long abandoned shelf. Dummyhers indeed.

[Rowana]

Tiida had told Roivao about Sel'n. She had turned into something of a nocturnal creature herself, living with him, and had gone to see if Vanity was awake to talk to. She had come back rather quickly. Vanity's precious sick. she crooned into his shoulder. "Sel'n?" Roi frowned deeply. Kaaoloth's injuries were severe, maybe it was affected him worse than he thought. Yet, if he was sick, why wasn't he in in the infirmary.

Roi could feel Roisk there out of the corner of his mind. His wher was sleeping fitfully after having his wings treated. Thankfully they hadn't been too badly burned, though he wouldn't have the strength in them that he used to have. Well, Roisk was taken care of and he was still awake. He decided he'd better see what was wrong. "Can you take me, Tiida?" he asked. Can take precious, she agreed and directed him to the empty weyr where she knew Vanity was. Tiida crooned at the other green in sympathy. Brought precious, sister, she announced proudly. Fix Vanity's precious.

"Sel'n?" Roi's voice was low and quiet, a testament to his more subdued nature. He'd probably never been the bright, friendly man he'd been in the past, but he was making an effort. He leaned against the wall next to his old friend and gazed outside the weyrledge thoughtfully. "You know that won't work forever," he said, nodding to the vial. He'd thought about using it himself once, when he first arrived, but no one would give a potential suicidal man fellis. He'd had to make do with his nightmares. He hid a wince as he touched the burns on his side. The numbweed was wearing off. "Want to talk about it?"

[Ember]

Most were asleep at that time. But not all. Nephele was actually willing to bet quite a few people were awake, besides the wherhandlers. She still had the occasional nightmare of being trapped in the hatching grounds. They were fading but tonight one had woken her up and rather than facing her dreams again she decided to wander in the night. Misfit accompanied her since he kept weird hours so that he could see his precious mate, Tiida. She'd walked the length of the hall her weyr opened into and she headed down the stairs.

It was quite peaceful at night. For all she should have been afraid the girl wasn't. The shadows of the night held only peace for her, for she'd never known danger at the darkest hours. At first she'd only heard her own footsteps but when she descended even further she caught the sounds of another person walking. Ever curious, Nephele followed the footsteps to a supposedly empty weyr. When she looked inside she saw Sel'n and an unknown man. Misfit's reaction to a salamandyr suggested it was Tiida's owner. The brown zipped into the room and chirped, flying around Roivao in wide circles.

That meant it was safe enough for her to enter. Neither of these men would likely cause her harm. So she hoped anyways. She walked into the weyr and looked at the vial in Sel'n's hands. Ah. That's what the other man had been talking about. Yes, whatever was in that bottle wouldn't help her weyrlingmaster one bit. She didn't care for the man much. He was pleasant enough but she held little emotion regarding him. Nephele did care that he was a Selenitas rider and didn't deserve her turning a blind eye to the situation, especially not since he'd defended the hatching grounds many of the weyrfolk were trapped in. Also, she really didn't want another weyrlingmaster.

She considered what to do before walking straight up to him and stuck out her hand, palm up, to accept the vial. "Sel'n, hand it over. He's right. It won't do you any good and I'm not about to let you go down that path." Nephele's tone was stern, a tone a student didn't usually use on their teacher. She wasn't going to yield on this one.

[Rei]

Vanity crooned softly in response to Tiida. No words where offered however because the surprise and then immediate coldness emanating form hers had her distracted. Not bad but not good either. Claws clicking along the shelf she regarded the other mandyr again with something akin to quiet disdain. Vanity as a rule could not stand other females. However this one was bonded to the one who liked hers. Besides she was also a flittermater which made her far beneath Vanity the greenqueen. Let it be known that she tolerated Tiida out of necessity. She did not truly like her. Then again there where very few that Vanity would claim to like. Will see. The green answered to the comment about ‘fixing’ hers. Dummyhers was hardheaded. He took a lot to fix sometimes.

Sel’n didn’t jump as Roivao approached, simply because as quiet as the other man was the Weyrlingmaster had sensed him coming. The words the handler offered where absorbed, but not commented on. As his old friend made himself at home the brownrider’s gaze dropped to the vial in his hand. No it wouldn’t work forever. But…he didn’t need it to work forever. Just until he could find a way to cope with it better. Right now it was all to much. The sense of guilt was staggering. The fellis helped to numb him like wine couldn’t. Fort wouldn’t give up. That was part of the problem. They would be back and there would be more blood. All of it would be on his hands again. Just as he opened his mouth to comment another entered and his gaze immediately hardened. Who now? What was this some type of convention?

Nephele. One of his weyrlings. Part of Sel’n relaxed but not outwardly. A weyrling he could deal with. A few other people he knew…not so much. With a snort of irritation at the young woman he curled the vial into his fist before tucking it into his shirt. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?” He returned, for the moment, ignoring her fierce tone. She didn’t have the rank or right to talk to him like that but he wasn’t in the mood to argue such. She wouldn’t let him go down that path? What path was that and how did she propose to stop him? The thought of such was a little confusing. Yes, Nephele was his student but they had no contact other than that. So much for alone time.

Suddenly springing into action vanity flung herself from the shelf to glide to Nephele’s shoulder. Intentionally she dug her claws into the woman’s skin before leaping from the weyrling to her bonded. Upon his shoulder she frilled. Babypest. Not want. Go away ugly girl. The threat was clear. This was her territory, hers. The greenone wasn’t allowed to threaten hers. That right was solely Vanity’s. Sel’n didn’t acknowledge Vanity at all. To acknowledge was to encourage. Hopefully Nephele had met enough mandyrs to know that. One never won fighting with Vanity unless you where bronze and your name was Lust.

[Rowana]

Handsome BrownLove! Tiida purred loudly at Misfit when he came. Roivao turned and saw the brown fire lizard first. He'd seen him many times before, but the girl was new. So this was Misfit's bonded. He was suddenly very very glad that Roisk had decided to keep him from making a fool of himself. He hated to think of what he'd have done to the girl if he hadn't. He would have to thank his wher later and ask him to do it next time Tiida mated, since she seemed determined to keep the same partner.

Roi watched Nephele charge in, half annoyed, half amused. He wasn't sure that was going to help much, but at least Sel'n was talking now. He did seem attached to his students, and maybe that was enough for now. Roi wondered if he'd ever feel the same. He did feel responsible for them, but he doubted most of them felt any loyalty to him. Ah well, it hardly matter so long as they were safe. He'd check on Nautic and Dmitri later.

Roi watched Sel'n and Nephele converse without comment. He wanted to offer some helpful advice, but really what could he say? He was dead to Fort. No one was coming back for him. Yes, he blamed himself for Iloth's death, but that was nothing compared to what Sel'n must be going through. In the end, what could he possibly say? Not much with Nephele here and besides, it probably wasn't wise to bring up the past. In the end, he said nothing for the moment. Maybe Sel'n just need a reminder of what was worth sticking around for.

[Ember]

Hmph. She hadn't entirely thought what she was doing through. That much was clear as she was brought up short, pausing before responding to his question. One way or another it looked like she was going to have to change her strategy. So much for taking away the vial and leaving the rest to Misfit's mate's owner. She began to withdraw her hand and answer the question when Sel'n's little monster launched herself at her. The problem with what she was wearing meant Vanity's claws had plenty of bare skin. Her hand travelled to her shoulder and she felt a slight wetness. Mandyrs had sharp claws.

With a not entirely fake sigh, Nephele answered her Weyrlingmaster's question. "Should I be? I'd rather stay awake than face what haunts my dreams," she told him, offering a false I-know-your-pain smile. Her words were true, but she was willing to bet some nightmares after such an event were to be expected so admitting it didn't cost her too much. Besides, wasn't it easier to get someone else to open up by sharing things with them? So she'd been told once.

She stepped back, retreating from Sel'n's personal space and away from the risk of another salamandyr attack. She'd call over Misfit in a second to discourage the green mandyr from jumping over. She was still deciding on an approach. She could sugar coat everything...or be brutally direct. Sweet or sour. In the end she went with, "The weyrlings need you Sel'n. We need the Sel'n that cared to teach us defensive maneouvers and defended us." Her tone was surprisingly gentle as she spoke.

Nephele had more to say but she'd test the waters with that first. Misfit had crooned at Tiida's greeting but he didn't much like that other green hurting His. He brushed his mate's mind apologetically before fluttering over to land on Nephele's unscratched shoulder gently. This prompted the girl to discreetly look at Roivao consideringly. She didn't recognize him at all.

[Rei]

Vanity frilled again and then flattened it as the female backed off. Yes good human. Back was safe. Hers. With another low threatening hiss she licked Sel’n’s ear. Cripplemine good yes? Vanityqueen love. Love muchly. She purred before sitting up on his shoulder and cleaning her face with one forepaw. She was watching Nephele still of course. Silly female.

Idly the Weyrlingmaster traced a finger down the mandyr’s back his eyes on his student. Her words where weighed carefully. Roivao was silent for the moment. That wasn’t surprising. The man was positively sedate, although he had gotten better with Roisk. Part of Sel’n wondered what would have happened if he had reimpressed as K’lir had done. K’lir was younger though. Roi was probably too old to be desirable to a hatchling. Then again would Roi have even wanted to try and reimpress? The brownrider still had mixed thoughts about the whole thing himself. How good could that be for one’s mind? Still he didn’t have much time for that line of thought. Best to keep himself in the here and now.

“Nightmares are just fabrications of your mind Nephele.” he said softly. It was the waking nightmares that where truly scary. Running a hand through his hair as she continued he sighed. “I am not quitting if that is what you are worried about.” He wasn’t either. The weyrlings where still his responsibility and that didn’t look to change anytime soon. Fort be damned. “The defensive maneuvers and such will continue but your class is close to graduation Nephele. Soon you’ll all join the wings and I dare say that you’ll be learning more than defense there.” Especially with the Benden riders on loan. The fighting training would continue and it would be the young they would concentrate on. They where easier to teach.

Moving his gaze from the weyrling, he passed his eyes over Roivao, before moving out to the darkness beyond the ledge. What did she want him to say? If she wanted promises she wasn’t getting them. Nephele was his student yes, but no more than that. He didn’t intend to stop using what worked. When he no longer needed it great, but until then he was going to use what worked.

Is poison. Commented Vanity softly after catching wind of his thoughts. Sel’n didn’t comment back to her verbally. To you darling. To you. She frilled at that but offered nothing else. Flicking his eyes back to his surprise visitors he sighed. “If your looking for words of wisdom you’ve come at the wrong time. It’s best you get back to bed Nephele.” To Roivao he offered no words. The man was not his student and could do as he wished.

[Rowana]

Roivao listened for a moment. Nephele was certainly a stubborn one. He started to wonder if Sel'n was rubbing off on his students more than he knew. Of course, Vanity wasn't taking it very well, but that wasn't unusual. "It's true," he added quietly. "If you don't face your dreams, they'll start to take control." He spoke to Nephele, but he vaguely meant it for Sel'n as well. He knew how bad the dreams could be and he also knew that facing them wasn't easy. He hadn't entirely succeeded at that himself. Not all the dreams were nightmares anymore, but he doubted they would ever go away completely. Part of him didn't want them too. Sometimes he wished this were the dream and he could just wake up.

He watched Sel'n walk out for a moment, thinking about the past. Had they both changed as much as that? He supposed he must have at least. He knew he'd never been this quiet before, but it was hard to open up to people when he was afraid of losing them. He watched the sky, eyes growing distant again. It had been simplier before, when all he had to worry about was following orders and looking after Iloth. But then, had that really been alright? Maybe if he'd been a stronger person, he would have left Fort before the worst happened. It was the 'maybes' that kept him awake some nights, as they must do for Sel'n as well.

Tiiday flared at Vanity briefly for threatening her brown's owner, but she didn't really mean it. Everyone's owners were so gloom it was distressing. Protect precious, she agreed quietly. She curled tightly around Roi's neck as if that would keep him safe from nightmares.

[Ember]

As her mentor, Nephele did have some small amount of respect for Sel'n. At that moment it was rather diminished but still there nonetheless. She gave him a long, measuring look and was about to say something when the other man gave his input as well. She knew all that well enough. She'd faced down nightmares before and she would do it again. These ones were a bit more troublesome since they weighed more on her conscious. She looked from one to the other and finally just shook her head.

"Facing life is just as important as facing your dreams. You have to take the good and the bad. Whatever it is you're taking is just a cheat, Sel'n," she said. "Part of being in a weyr is letting others support you sometimes. If you don't let them you'll never get over the bad things. In return, you support the weyr and everyone is better off." As she spoke Nephele was thinking of Erilena and even K'sel. She wouldn't call the latter supporting but...he helped in his own way. She didn't care to protect the entire weyr. That was too big a task for her. She just hoped protecting one or two was within her abilities.

Nephele reached up and petted Misfit. Her mindmates she intended to protect as well. "You have people who depend on you. Not making the effort to do without that vial is unfair to them. I'll leave you be now but I don't intend on sleeping yet." She turned and walked towards the exit of the weyr, pausing near Roivao and flashing him a smile. "Hopefully you can talk more sense into him. Its a shame I haven't gotten the chance to meet you before." Misfit chirped at Tiida. He'd stay but he couldn't let his wander around alone.

Nephele didn't like giving up. It sat wrong with her. Obeying an order she didn't want to follow would bother her more though. Taking his polite suggestion to leave was preferable over that. She gave Sel'n and the bronzehandler a quirky salute before proceeding to the exit of the weyr. Where to wander to next? There was a lot of the weyr she hadn't seen at night.

[Rei]

Sel’n watched Nephele leave, all the while weighing her words. Perhaps they where true enough for her. But for him? Part of being in a weyr is letting others support you sometimes? He had no support. There wasn’t anyone in the weyr he could really actually call a friend. He had acquaintances, but as for someone who actually cared. No. Kaaoloth and Vanity where all he had.

They both helped in their own ways but Kaaoloth would be in pain for months still. The worst of the burns would take upwards of three months to heal completely. The lighter ones had healed, more or less, but the bad ones would take longer. If not for the air of between the little maneuver they pulled would have killed the brown. A fact he had fully understood before they acted. He was in no condition to be supportive. It was support he needed. And Vanity? She didn’t understand the situation completely. Never would. She understood he was upset and that was it. The complicated mechanics behind it eluded her. Sel’n closed his eyes.

The weyrlings where everything to Kaaoloth. Still where. To make matters worse there where dragons now who would not even speak to the brown. It hurt the brown to be disliked so. All because of sharding Fort. If not for Vanity Sel’n could probably convince Kaaoloth to head back to Fort. Turn themselves in for whatever good it would do. However the mandyr absolutely refused to be parted from Lust and that made it hard for him. He wouldn’t tear her intentionally away. In spite of all the posturing and claims that he hated her, the tiny creature was almost as close to him as the brown. The little harpy had become an integral part of his sorry life. Poor her.

Stop now. Love you. Are best Cripplemine. Need you. Need Vanity. Ever always love. Whirling yellow eyes watched hers as she rubbed her body against his neck. Closing his eyes he drew a trembling finger down her emerald back. Forever and always. He promised silently. Rubbing the back of his neck he sighed.

Opening his eyes to the darkness he examined Roi and gave a half hearted attempt at a smile. “Tell me in my position what would you do?” The question was a good one. No one understood. They never had. In his whole life there was really only one creature who had thought he was worth more than dirt. Who risked what he could to improve what he was able despite the costs involved. What was the use of trying anymore? For them only did he try. There where days he didn’t even want to get up anymore. What could possibly help him besides the numbness fellis provided. If someone would kindly explain it he would be grateful.

Taking the vial out of his breast pocket he examined it. “It’s weak. I know it is. But…I don’t know what else to do.” He trailed off, the last words coming in just a whisper. “Tell me Roi. Would you be able to live with the knowledge that, in part, you caused all this death and heartache?” Troubled dark blue eyes sought the handlers face.

[Rowana]

Roivao watched Nephele go with a confused look on his face. Talk sense into him? If that were possible, he didn't think he was the right person. In fact, he was probably the last person anyone should be going to for help, particularly with this kind of problem. "Um...nice to meet you too," he said uncertainly. Tiida called to Misfit, but she knew he had to go and be with his precious. Farewell, BrownLove! Tiida watch Vanity's precious.

Roi turned back to Sel'n and actually met his gaze. His friend looked more troubled then he ever remembered him being. What should he say? He could hardly think of anything encouraging. Years ago he might have dismissed everything with a laugh. But he couldn't make light of things anymore. Not when the future seemed so dark and the light seemed so small. Maybe it would be easier to sleep it all away. Or leave and get it over with. The easy road wasn't necessarily the right one, but what was right in the world anymore.

"I don't know," Roi said finally. His pale blue eyes met Sel'n's darker ones. Behind them was the usual lurking sadness, but also compassion for the other man's plight. "All I know is," he went on softly. "Everyday I ask myself, if I had done something different, maybe..." He paused, holding back the tears. Why was he even mentioning this? "Maybe Iloth would still be here. My mind knows it wasn't my fault, by my heart still takes the blame. Everyday I think it would have been better if I'd gone with him. If I'd taken that path when you found me. It would be easier than living like this. Maybe it's Roisk and Tiida, but somehow, everyday, I manage to keep going."

His voice was ragged. It was hard to get the words out. Part of him wasn't even sure if he wasn't just making things worse. "If I can keep going," he gave Sel'n a small, weak smile. "Then, I think, you can rise above anything." Sel'n was always the stronger one, in his opinion. If he could managed to keep himself from falling, he was sure Sel'n could make it too.

[Rei]

Sel’n watched the emotions play across the handlers face as he spoke. It was obvious that the man had come a long way from the mute dragonless slave he had once been. None of that would have been possible without his assistance as well as T’rid’s. One could make the argument that they had saved Roi that day. Still somewhere back in the brownrider’s mind there was a lingering doubt. After Iloth things had changed for Roi. In an instant everything he knew was gone. He would never be the person he once was. Even with Roisk and Tiida. Without Kaaoloth Sel’n wouldn’t want to survive. Whether that made Roivao stronger or not he didn’t know. He curled his hand around the fellis reflexively. Hadn’t he faced worse before? So the weyr hated him. What was the worst they could do? Outcast him? Selenitas wouldn’t. If Fort did come back he would have to face them and that was that. There was no point in running from something you couldn’t escape.

If Roi could rise above the pain and darkness in his life then what was this? Was what he was going through really worse. No. If he had lost Kaaoloth perhaps it would be different, but he hadn’t. Really there was nothing left to do but move forward. With a sudden violent movement he swung his arm back and pitched the fellis out and off the ledge into the canyon below. Raising his head he turned back the bronzehandler and strode forward. Gripping the man’s forearm he squeezed it. The gesture was warm. “Thank you Roi. It isn’t going to be easy but I think you’ve illuminated something for me. I’m grateful.” It was true whether he realized it or not the other man was in inspiration. Even through weyrling training when he and Kaaoloth and Roi and Iloth used to gamble as weyrlings boasting to each other about how they would be the best fighters the weyr had ever seen. Spurring each other on. Those days where long past true but the memory remained.

Vanity frilled once in a happy display. Yes poison bad. No need. Has Vanity does myprecious. Has shinyman. Has Kaao. Has Lust n’Lustpet. Wriggling in joy she flung herself at her bonded’s neck and wound herself partially around it, nuzzling under his chin with frantic energy. Sel’n actually managed a chuckle at her obvious enthusiasm. “I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as all that love, but I’m going to try.” That’s all anyone could really ask wasn’t it?

[Rowana]

Roivao was surprised by Sel'n's reaction. At first, he'd thought he was going to be mad, especially when he raised his arm. He should have know his friend better and felt sudden relief when the vial drifted out of sight. Sel'n was going to be alright. Maybe he wouldn't be great and there would still be times, but Roi was sure now that he could get through them. He smiled softly and returned Sel'n's squeeze with one of his own.

"I'm glad," he answered sincerely. "It wouldn't be the same without you around." He didn't mention that it would be harder. Sel'n was his link to older, happier times. And where those memories were painful at times, knowing they weren't all in his mind was just as important. "And I think Vanity agrees with me," he added lightly. Tiida crooned lovingly. See? Precious fix Vanity's, she said proudly. Of course he had. Her precious was the best, even if he didn't see it. She knew other people did, which was why it was so important to keep Vanity's precious fixed. Her's would be sadder then ever if he was broken.