When you’re feeling empty (Rae)

[Rei]

To be honest Erilena didn’t remember much about the whole incident. She knew she had screamed, begged, sobbed, and even vomited somewhere along the way. But that was all a blur. What she remembered clearly was waking up to Feyrianth’s loving worry, the Weyrlingmaster, and a aching pain that did not fade. After that she had been on some kind of watch. Her roommate tagging along everywhere. But it was all for naught anyway, because the woman didn’t feel like doing anything. Literally nothing. It was like she was on auto drive. She ate, went to lessons, did chores, took care of Feyrianth, and then tried to get sleep which never came easy. Every night she ended up curled up in Feyrianth’s forelegs the bed forgotten. Blinking idly she looked up at Sel’n who was tugging her along by the elbow.

“You’ll like Raebeli.” He said softly to her as if she was some kind of little kid. The greenrider didn’t react, just turned blank eyes up to him and then returned her attention to putting one foot in front of the other. “Whatever you say.” The brownrider frowned and had Kaaoloth prod Feyrianth. The little one says she isn’t getting much from her lately. Perhaps she is getting worse? I hope not. Dark blue eyes shifted back to the woman shuffling beside him. It was eerie to see her like this. She had been the most animated one of the class. Then her mandyr had passed and she now reminded him vaguely of Roivao. Was that what it was like to lose a mandyr? Leo had not even been with her that long from what he had learned. Three months at most.

He didn’t want to lose her. Hence the worry. Feyrianth was trying her best but the green was still very young and Sel’n wasn’t sure what permanent effect this would have on the young dragon. He couldn’t lose another weyrling. He wouldn’t let it happen and that was why he had scheduled her sessions with the resident mindhealer. Perhaps Raebeli could do something, anything to make it more bearable.

Time was a good healer yes, but sometimes people needed a bit of a push. Maybe you should see her to? Sel’n resisted the urge to snort. I don’t think so Kaaoloth. I’m fine. No your not fine. Your just a stubborn fool. But further discussion on the topic was dropped as they came to the door. With what was meant to be a reassuring smile to Erilena, he gave the door a few sharp raps. When he was bidden he entered, gesturing for Erilena to walk ahead.

Obeying without question the weyrling entered the room and clasped her hands in front of her as she waited. What she was waiting for she wasn’t sure but she was waiting nonetheless. Sel’n gestured for the weyrling to take a seat before shifting his attention to the mindhealer. “This is Erilena. I will come back to collect her when you have finished.” Kneeling beside the woman he put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed it lightly. “Erilena when you are finished have Feyrianth tell Kaaoloth and I will be back to get you ok?” He waited for her nod before taking his leave, closing the door softly behind him.

That was when the greenrider hazarded a glance around the room. It was more cheerful than she would have thought and she turned her attention to Raebeli uncertain. What now?

[Lotty]

Sometimes Raebeli questioned her own qualifications, which was a common thing for people whose job is to think all day. Fair enough right? Well, she still had a job to do, and lately it seemed like she was soooo busy. Not that she usually complained about work, after all, the influx meant that just maybe the weyr had a united moment of catharsis and decided that she was worthy of talking to, but at the same time it was never good to have so many people at once because that definitely always meant that something bad had happened...and Faranth knew that a lot of bad things had happened recently.

It wasn't as if she wasn't unphased by the events, but like all the healers, she couldn't afford to show it. To Cap'n, yes, she cooed and cried and shared with him even though he was just a bird, because it was so important to vent. She should know, after all, she was the mindhealer around these parts. Teehee...but really now, lets get on track, here was another sweet girl here in her presence and that was bad news.

"Erilena?" she repeated...mostly for herself...and she jotted the name down onto hide as she sat down in the seat across from the weyrling. She made sure to underline it...it was the title of a new chapter in Rae's little piles of work after all. Then, turning away from the icky business side of things, the mindhealer reached forward to place one of her own hands over Erilena's and offered a bit of reassurance. There were stages to grief after all, and right now the healer could tell that the girl just needed someone. It would all work out in the end...hopefully.

"Now, tell me what's the matter Erilena? Oh wait...I should introduce myself," sure, Sel'n already did that, but a second time couldn't hurt, "I'm Journeywoman Raebeli, I'm the resident mindhealer, but you can just call me Rae...or Beli..if you really wanted, or you know what? You can just call me whatever you want....do you have a short name I can call you by?"

[Rei]

Erilena slowly raised her head as the woman said her name. Raebeli Sel'n had said right? She blinked as the woman reached out and placed a hand over her own. Her eyes sought the other woman’s automatically in a unconscious need to be polite. Always polite. Then the woman's hand was covering hers and a lump formed in her throat.

The greenweyrling almost panicked as the healer asked her what was wrong. Didn’t everyone already now? Did she really have to make herself relive it again and again? Immediately she felt Feyrianth bolstering her with loving reassurances and she clung to the contact. Swallowing past the lump in her throat Erilena forced herself to meet Raebeli’s eyes. “You can call me Eri if you want. Or Lena. Most of my friends call me Lena.” Her words where soft and quiet, she hadn’t really spoken much since it happened. There was always that chance that she would break down in a conversation and she didn’t want people to feel sorry for her. Didn’t it prove enough that she went to lessons did what she was supposed to? Obviously not or she wouldn’t be here.

Blinking against the tears that threatened to fall she took another breath, this one deeper. “I guess Sel’n thinks I should be happier. That’s why I’m here. It’s hard to be happy though… Leo died and it…it.” She trailed off then and bowed her head, allowing her hair to cascade down and hide her face. “I never let him get real close because I was afraid he would hurt Feyrianth. Now he’s gone and maybe if I had just paid better attention he wouldn’t be. All he ever did was love me and I let him down. I never really gave him a chance. From the moment he hatched I tried to keep some distance between us.” Her nails where biting into the palm of her hand now and she felt, rather than saw, the blood that meant she had probably hurt herself.

The pain actually helped. Her chest felt tight and she didn’t know what to do. She felt suddenly trapped. Part of Erilena just wanted to sob and never stop, but the other part of her wouldn’t allow it. There was a wall there. One she had unconsciously built during and after what had happened at the hatching sands. A wall that was slowly crumbling, but one she was afraid to take down. What would happen to her if she did? She was afraid. There was this ache that started when Leo left, a emptiness that wouldn’t go away. One she was afraid of.

From her curled position near the barracks Feyrianth reached out to her bonded to strengthen her. It’s ok Lena my love. The dragon soothed, radiating waves of calm. The healer would help fix it. That was what Kaaoloth had said. She believed that maybe the healer could but hers would have to believe it as well.

[Lotty]

"Ok, Lena..." if that is what she wished to be called, then that was easy enough for her. She listened intently, picking out not just the words but how she said them. It was most interesting that she said Sel'n thinks she should be happier. This felt like another addition to a long pattern. It seemed like nobody found anything wrong with themselves, and only by the grace of the concerned did they come looking for help. "So, you say that Sel'n wants you to be happier? Do you not think that you deserve happiness yourself?" She had heard of such beliefs...but the weyrling didn't seem the type. It was all grief...

There she did it again. She seemed to take all the blame for it herself. Such a silly thought when looked at it objectively, from outside of the situation, but for the girl it was totally rational. Rae just had to get this girl's head on straight again...little by little. Not an impossible feat in the least...

She just had to tackle this whole guilt thing...how do you convince someone it isn't their fault? "Now don't you think it is a little silly to put so much blame on yourself?" She began to reason with the girl, "If he loved you so much and gave you everything he would also want to see you smile. He didn't pick a crying Lena did he?" It was hard to talk about something she didn't know a whole lot about. To be so tied with something....

[Rei]

Keeping her head bowed Erilena listened in silence to the healer speak. Sel’n? Really she didn’t know the Weyrlingmaster that well. It was Darya she dealt with on a daily basis. It was confusing to her why he had taken an interest really. The curtain of hair hiding her face was a good shield and her eyes flicked back to her curled hands as she decided how best to answer Raebeli’s questions. Finally she spoke her voice quiet but loud enough to be heard clearly. “Of course I believe I deserve to be happy.” She said softly. “Doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy?”

Uncurling her hands slightly she frowned at the blood on her left palm before continuing. “No.” If she had paid attention he would be alive. That was the bottom line. It was her fault and she wasn’t going to go and pretend that it wasn’t. Judgmental? Perhaps a bit. The healer’s next statement was true however. He hadn’t picked her when she was upset, but she had grown upset after she realized what she had possibly done. Mandyrs and young dragon’s didn’t mix well she was told. Her desire to keep him mentally at bay at hatching had continued and although she had loved him dearly she had been wary of letting him to close. It was perhaps that distance that had saved her from death although she wasn’t aware of that.

The majority of her upset came from the fact that she had failed him. She has a healer shard it, a apprentice ‘dragonhealer’. She knew the signs of heatstroke. She had been ignorant and her adorable Leo had paid the price. It wasn’t fair.