my heart will go on (t'san)

[Avu]

She wasn’t really sure why she’d even come at all, other than to maybe give Bevany a ride—Jingth had been okay with allowing another Rider on her for the Gather, although she had made her disappointment in having to stay so far away from the festivities clear. Still, Meira could have just dropped Bevany off, promised to come back to pick her up (not that it would’ve been necessary, really, since the Burimyu Riders knew not to leave any Candidates or Weyrfolk behind), and left again. There was still work she had left to do and being in such a public place after the near-isolation, the haunting quiet of Burimyu, had her almost jumpy. Had never quite recognized how quiet it was even in her own head until now, when the buzz of conversation became jubilant, impossible to drown out.

Still—couldn’t quite just leave Mimic streaking through feet and legs to find Doppelganger and Lilitu. She wasn’t even sure if Mi’rah or F’lix would be attending the Gather—if they were alive. Mimic couldn’t know if they weren’t, she thought, the same way Jingth couldn’t tell her about Dsoleth, Behruth, Checkoth. Didn’t want the Salamandyr to—to do anything, if he couldn’t find them.

And, as Jingth had told her, You should go. I’m sure you deserve a break, and you may recognize someone, and the gold had not quite managed to keep the hopeful lilt out of her ‘voice’ at the words. Perhaps she had not tried, for she had added, I would like to know how my babies are doing. I don’t suppose their Riders would be allowed to attend Gather? She didn’t mention anyone else—but then, Meira had realized, after she’d kissed the gold’s muzzle good-bye and headed for the Gather, she probably hadn’t needed to. It was kind of just out there, the knowing of what she meant without it being explicitly said.

Meira didn’t know if she wanted to see anyone. Wanted to know, but didn’t want the option of seeing them, any of them—seeing them, talking to them, felt too much like giving in to what she could not have. And it would be brief. She couldn’t go back; they couldn’t come to Burimyu. No-win. It would be easier to just stay away entirely; avoid people she had once known and remain in the little bubble of anonymity that came with Burimyu. She did hope Mimic found Doppelganger or Lilitu, though. If he wanted, he could stay at Selenitas—if someone would take care of him. (Would she be able to let him go? Maybe. She’d try, for his sake.)

It was surprisingly easy to ignore all of that, though. Just enjoy the Gather, even if she was alone and felt a little separate from the loud burble of speech and movement. It wasn’t by design that she ended up near the Toy Stall, but Meira wasn’t really surprised to end up there. She’d always been near the Toy Stall at some point in the more recent Gathers—for Riaren, even if he hadn’t been with her at the time. Would it be weird if she bought something here? The gaggle of children surrounding the stall didn’t seem to notice her presence, Meira biting her lip absently as she scanned the wares. Riaren might well have outgrown toys by the next time she saw him.

Terilyn, Kai—or even Samera and Keravi. Or maybe just for Mimic—something he could hold on to in lieu of having Doppelganger or Lilitu; a faded replacement, but at least something.

[Ember]

T'san couldn't resist Gathers. Even if he no longer had anyone to go with. If J'ash was going it was probably with his tamed manwhore - lucky guy. Pinning down whores was hard but it could be sooooo worth it - and it was safer not to invite Syrene to something like a Gather considering her actions during the drinking contest a while back. Beyond those to he didn't have what he considered friends left at Selenitas Weyr. They'd all disappeared on him, the jerks. The brownrider could make his own fun wherever he went though.

Whistling some nonsensical tune, the brownrider wandered around near the stalls. There was plenty of things of interest but he'd go guy them later, closer to when he intended to leave. No point getting bogged down with stuff, right? Nevroti was half hiding in his hair and half hiding in his shirt. The blue wasn't terribly fond of crowds but he was also incredibly curious about what was making His so happy. Well, His was frequently happy but there was an underlying excitement in the man today...Sensing the blue's feelings the man chuckled softly. "You may not like crowds, but Gathers are fun, silly."

They were also apparently places to see people who he didn't usually get to see. The brownrider just barely remembered not to act too surprised as he caught sight of the person the next stall over. He was glad to see her but at the same time he felt it was quite a risk for her to be at the Gather. The man didn't make too much of a fuss as he approached the stall quietly, albeit with a grin fighting its way onto his face. How nice that you get to see your mate but I don't get to see mine, Dsoleth grumped in his mind. Yes, it is nice. The brown's response was the equivalent of an eyeroll but he was secretly happy for His.

Whether Meira noticed his approach or not, T'san had no intention of changing his plan. He grabbed one of the male dolls at the table (completely ignoring any reaction from the stallkeeper) and put it in front of the goldrider's face. "Well hello, miss. Find anything interesting today?" He altered his voice a little as he moved the doll along with his words. Then he was left to see her reaction, a gentle smile playing across his face. Seven months changed nothing for the brownrider. He was still completely and totally in love with the goldrider; still "Meira's"

[Avu]

Seeing all the toys up close—and, more, the children who swarmed around them, eyes bright and hands open for the trinkets—was fascinating in an acutely devastating kind of way. She didn’t really notice much—actually startled at the invisible, unknown signals that alerted her to a presence very close behind her; the shift of air, the sound of breathing that was not actually audible. Meira didn’t turn immediately, instead watching the doll that was snatched up and dangled in front of her face, still wary. She’d tried to avoid standing out, had even managed to convince Echo to stay with Jingth after a not-inconsiderable amount of bribery and long-winded explanations (and expected the Razorclaw to come find her anyway in due time), so…

But she recognized T’san’s voice, no matter how he tried to modify it, could not help the hitch in her breath, the almost-painful jump of her heart, the ridiculous smile that grew across her face. She couldn’t help it, the soft voice in her mind that said, you’re still going to have to leave later, but could not bring herself to care, not right now. Not when—she turned around, gaze flickering restlessly over T’san’s face. “Lots interesting,” she answered, still incapable of fighting the wide, helpless smile, “Some things more interesting than others.” He was close already, and Meira couldn’t resist closing the last bit of space, her arms circling T’san’s waist and her chin coming to rest on his shoulder.

“I’ve missed you,” she added, softer, unwilling to let anybody hear—even if nobody, not the children nor the other shoppers parting around them, was paying them attention. Maybe the shopkeeper, since T’san had helped himself to one of his wares without so much as a by-your-leave. Normally Meira might have been a little more concerned about propriety in such a public location, but seven months was too long to go without being able to touch T’san.

Seven months.

She bowed her head until her closed eyes were pushed against T’san’s shoulder—had to make sure she didn’t cry. Not in the middle of the Gather, because even if the tears were of utter relief that he was not hurt, was still alive and here, they would still no doubt draw the attention of onlookers and Meira didn’t want to risk being noticed by too many, not all at once. Even being in public here was bad. “I’m sorry,” she said, right before she felt Jingth’s mind push against hers, a jumble of concern and confusion. Meira paused a minute, trying to wordlessly answer Jingth’s pressing questions, repeating, “I’m so sorry” without knowing for what, exactly, she was apologizing.

Maybe the seven months; maybe just leaving to begin with; maybe for not coming back sooner. Or everything and then some; for not immediately looking for him because she hadn’t known if she’d be able to leave again after she did—but she didn’t have that choice anymore, and she was incredibly grateful. T’san was here, and Meira—well, she’d still have to leave, eventually. After the Gather ended, and she had no reason to stay, she would have to go back. Or maybe—maybe she was apologizing for still loving him; seven months was a long time apart and she didn’t really have any claim on T’san anymore. Had to let people go sometime, even if you didn’t want to.

[Ember]

The reaction he got from Meira was amusing and all he could hope for. His smiled widened as she turned to him and chuckled when he heard her answer. That was the voice he'd missed so much after she'd left. Even had she told him to bugger off or that she hated him he'd probably still be as happy as could be. He vaguely heard Dsoleth call him pathetic but he wasn't paying attention to the dragon in the slightest. He paid even less attention to everything around him when Meira wrapped her arms around him. Even Nevroti taking off hurriedly went unnoticed.

His heart jumped and he barely had enough presence of mind to toss the doll back on the nearby table before returning the embrace whole-heartedly. If it felt nice to have her hug him, then it felt beyond amazing to have her in his arms again. "Missed you too," he murmured into her ear, accompanied by a small nuzzle. He probably should have been more concerned about whoever else was present, for Meira's sake, but he was far too busy recomitting everything to memory. He wouldn't forgive himself if he let the memories dull.

T'san felt a subtle shift and it puzzled him. What was wrong? The apology cinched the fact that there really was something off but he still didn't know exactly what. He wanted to ask but...how could he where others could hear? Sweeping her off her feet (as much as he'd love to) was kind of out of the question so he settled for gently separating her from his waist and pulling her away from the stall and people in general. Any protests from the goldrider went ignored and though he kept the pressure as gentle as he could he still refused to let her go.

When he found a sufficiently out-of-the-way spot he stopped and spun around to Meira again. The serious expression on his face was unusual and decidedly conflicted. Given her reaction he was hoping it meant she hadn't taken a lover. This would be embarassing and painful if she had. T'san leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on the goldrider's lips. It took quite a bit of self-control to keep it as nothing more than that. He pulled back slightly. "Now then, why are you sorry?"

[Avu]

She’d missed this too, the physical closeness, could not resist the soft hum of protest when T’san broke the hug. It was the only protest Meira offered, though, letting her arms drop from the brownrider’s waist mutely, trying to read his expression. Strange, how difficult that got after so long. It took a long time to forget faces, but the smaller nuances of expression—they felt like they were new. Or maybe she’d just never seen T’san look that way before; was it horrible that she couldn’t remember? His pulling her away from the Toy Stall was met with a brief hesitation—she didn’t really know why, but Meira still kind of wanted to stay at the Toy Stall, like being somewhere so familiar would ensure Riaren was okay, safe, but after that brief moment, she followed T’san.

Hated the silence, though; it felt like she’d done something wrong and, yeah, she supposed she had—you weren’t supposed to leave people you loved behind, were you—and she almost wanted to say something meaningless just to break it, because she couldn’t say anything else with so many other people around. Apparently T’san recognized that, though, since he led them to a relatively secluded area before he turned towards her again. Meira closed her eyes against the kiss, barely managed to return it before T’san pulled away again. His question had her dropping her gaze to their hands, the goldrider silent for a minute as she wove her fingers through T’san’s, trying to organize her thoughts.

“Leaving,” she finally said, even though it sounded inadequate. “Not coming back. I don’t know. Everything?” The word was accompanied by a wry half-smile. “Did you…” She hesitated, not quite sure how to phrase her question. “Are we still…us?” She was assuming that yes, they were still something, even if it couldn’t really be defined anymore—how did you even start to define a relationship where you never saw each other, never spoke, could not speak? Couldn’t, really, and Meira didn’t really blame him if he’d fallen in love with someone else; there were plenty of people at Selenitas that T’san could probably have if he wanted.

And Meira wouldn’t—couldn’t, even if she wanted to, really—interfere with that. It was probably better to cut ties between Selenitas and Burimyu anyway; it would only be so long before Burimyu was discovered and recognized as an enemy Weyr; they couldn’t stay hidden forever.

Wait wait wait, Jingth said in the back of her mind, a bright bubble of hope, as she put one and one together, Dsoleth’s humanthing is here? Tell him that I would like to say ‘hello’. And ask after Dsoleth for me, if you please, since I cannot bespeak him myself. And our babies, love, ask about them too—yes? The thrum of the gold’s pleasure had a definite croon-purr in her ‘voice’, the undiluted uncomplicated happiness so draconic it hurt. Of course Jingth wouldn’t want to overthink happiness. Masochism appeared to be a trait fairly unique to humans, didn’t it?

[Ember]

She'd returned it. That meant something...usually. He was willing to believe it meant she really didn't have anyone else. Was he supposed to feel so much relief over the fact that the one he loved might have been hurting the same way he had been? T'san decided to put that out of his mind. It didn't matter much given how short the time they would have together was. The almost eternally cheerful brownrider would much rather spend the time having fun and make some memories to tide him - them - over until they could see each other again.

The fingers twining with his received a gentle pressure, a reminder that he was there and not going anywhere soon. Her answer was met with a chuckle from the man. He was quick to reassure her that he wasn't mocking her though. "You don't change. I'm glad," T'san commented fondly. He considered his answer to her own question. Had he ever actually, in all seriousness, said it? He felt guilty that he couldn't remember if he had or not. Usually actions spoke louder than words with the man. A bad habit, he supposed.

"Meira, I love you. No matter where you are or what you're doing or who...you may be with, that won't change. I'm yours. Whether there is an "us" or not is up to you, though I hope there is." For all his flirting and whatnot, the man was severely monogamous - he fell fast and he fell hard. T'san smiled at Meira. "So, how 'bout it? Still want this foolish brownrider? If you're still feeling guilty...don't be. I miss you but I'm glad you're not at Selenitas. It's better for you to be with people who can protect you while I can't."

The man wasn't completely sure if E'rro, Elysia, or S'rei were with Meira whever she was living but he hoped so. He trusted those three and they had disappeared at the same time. Even if they weren't...he owed a lot to whoever was protecting Meira.

[Avu]

So she’d probably deserved that. Apologies just seemed to come more easily than anything else, like saying sorry could fix everything. Meira probably would’ve ducked her head in embarrassment had the immediate, very paranoid thought not been that it was an evasion. Not that she wouldn’t be happy for him if he was happy with someone else but it just—she still wouldn’t be happy for herself. She managed a weak smile, one shoulder rising in a helpless shrug, focusing on T’san’s face. His eyes. She still remembered his eyes, even if she felt like her memories of him had faded after a while, until she was only sure of what he looked like in dreams.

But—

It shouldn’t mean so much. They were just words and she had never doubted it—not, at least, when they had both been in the same Weyr, but after seven months and growing insecurity, fears greater than just herself and stress she never remembered feeling before—it meant everything. She’d probably told him she loved him before, not that Meira could really remember before, had never tried to make a big deal out of it in case T’san hadn’t been ready to say it back, just a quiet “love you” slipped on the end of good-byes. Meira nodded, silent as she looked down at their joined hands, and then looked back up at T’san, smiled.

The kiss was brushed against the corner of his mouth—a light touch. “Always,” even though it tasted like a promise she couldn’t keep and everything else that she didn’t really know how to say. When Meira pulled back, it was to step back to the Gather, away from the Toy Stall, backwards so she could pull T’san lightly with her. “Jingth wants to know how Dsoleth is—she says hello,” it was so much easier to be happy now than before. It didn’t feel forced anymore, didn’t feel like the Gather was parting around her anymore. She was giddy, even, Jingth’s bright surge of contentment contagious; Meira usually had a problem with letting go enough to let the gold’s emotions affect her deeply, but letting the jubilation wash over her was easy.

“I do love you too,” she added, softer, did not add that she probably always would. It was hard to stop loving people once you started, and Meira was pretty sure she had a harder time than most people letting go. Probably because of Meisk and Zesa—somehow more aware of her heart after it had broken the first time, maybe scared to stop loving and let go. But those were thoughts for Burimyu, the quiet of her weyr, not a Gather. “But—how is—everyone?” So many names that wanted to spill out. How was he—alive and safe, but there was always more than just that—M’ta, R’wign, Kalierre. Erilena. Kaegan. F’lix, Mi’rah. Riaren, Terilyn, Kai, Keravi and Samera—all of them, any of them.

[Ember]

Aha! There was the smiling he'd been wanting to see again. T'san was capable of being serious but it was oh so taxing on him. Having fun was so, so, sooooo much better! That and seeing a loved one's face light up with happiness than seeing it sad. He was more than willing to be the butt of most jokes if others were having fun. He wouldn't necessarily say he had a lot of pride...he just didn't really understand the concept of shame. He found himself smiling too, the expression only growing broader when she kissed him.

Always, huh? He couldn't help but like the sound of it any more than he could help the smile on his face as he followed Meira back to the main Gather area. At the mention of Jingth, Dsoleth, who had been listening in on T'san's end, perked up mentally. T'san snorted quietly with laughter. "Great, now he's all excited and 'Jingth, Jingth' in my mind, thanks," he told Meira with great amusement in his voice. "The big lug's great, aside from missing his mate. Tell her we both say hi?" It was a request though he doubted she would refuse.

T'san's immediate and jokingly smug reaction to Meira saying she loved him too was squashed in favour of a happy humm. "That so?" He muttered quietly, pleased. He'd known it already, heard her say it before and taken it seriously, but it was nice to hear it again. "Well, people are alright," T'san said, admittedly a little uncertainly. Curiously enough, he and Meira largely moved in different circles of people. "I saw Riaren, M'ta, and Terilyn recently...though not since..." And he grimaced there. He decided to spare her news about R'wign unless she asked. "Not for a bit anyways. They were well enough. Cute kids, as always."

[Avu]

Meira grinned, ducking her head slightly, at T’san’s description of Dsoleth—knew that the burst of happiness was not all hers. Jingth. The gold was thrilled that her erstwhile mate still remembered her, did not have to be told in order to know exactly what was happening. She didn’t give Meira enough time to get through saying “of course”, the words as light as air, before the surge of her mental approval and pleasure flickered through the goldrider’s mind, an almost childish delight. The words came as smooth as ever, though: You may tell them that I have received the message and am very sorry that I cannot bespeak Dsoleth myself. And that I miss his company. A pause, and then she pressed again, And our babies?

Dsoleth might not stalk his offspring like you do, Meira pointed out, the agreement implicit in the lighthearted tease, curling her fingers a little tighter around T’san’s hand. She didn’t interrupt immediately, though; if she blurted out everyone she wanted to ask after she doubted T’san would ever manage to get in a word edgeways. The mention of M’ta and Terilyn and Riaren had her lips quirking up into a wide smile; didn’t catch the small slip because they were fine. As long as they were okay—as long as Riaren was okay—then everything would be fine. There really weren’t words to express her gratitude; she didn’t think T’san and M’ta had really been friends before. That T’san had noticed—it really meant a lot.

“The cutest,” she murmured. Happy. It had been a while since she’d been genuinely happy. Working at the Infirmary, the Council meetings, browsing through Records—those were all distractions, something to take her mind off of things. Work until numbness set in and then she could sleep without dreams. Happiness was not…normal, anymore. “Jingth wants to know if you know how the Weyrlings are—she keeps bothering me about them. And she says she misses Dsoleth, too. A lot. More than she admits.” The gold didn’t miss the Weyrlings, really, and didn’t worry about them in the same way she fretted over Riaren, but they were still her offspring. Dsoleth, on the other hand, was just hers. “And—” She glanced around at the Gather, “I guess we should be at the Stalls?”

She’d been distracted—but she was grateful the Toy Stall was out of sight, anyway. Lingering there wouldn’t do her mood any favors. Although T’san could very well already be done with shopping. Meira didn’t have much to buy anyway. Clothes, maybe. Leather gloves to keep Echo’s claws from cutting her skin, maybe leather jesses for training purposes. Something for Mimic, if he wanted anything.

“If you want to ask about anyone—” She hesitated. A little guilty. The offer was not one she was sure she was supposed to be making, since secrecy was the key to Burimyu and anyone overhearing at all could be disastrous, but she owed him something. Didn’t really know who exactly T’san was friends with—E’rro, perhaps, but she couldn’t give him too much about E’rro, other than he was fine. Too much was secrets, and she hated it a little, but. “I can’t say much, but I can…at least it’s something, I guess?”

[Ember]

The happiness at seeing Meira happy warred with the guilt born from keeping information about R'wign quiet. Was he being too selfish in wanting to have fun with her? A good partner was supposed to be honest and console their partner, right? With an inward sigh he let it go for the moment. He could indulge his guilt later if he needed to. It would be pointless to not enjoy the day with her. So he returned the added pressure on his hand briefly and smiled at her reaction.

He laughed at Jingth's question. "Ah, yes...the flying brats. They're doing good. Better than Millieth's latest clutch, actually. Those people who took over...they..." He huffed in honest to goodness annoyance. "They see no value in dragons that cannot function 'properly.' But Jingth and Dsoleth's bunch are fine, about to start between training, I think. Also...it seems like almost half of the riders work in the infirmary." Then he remembered Syrene and grimaced slightly. Perhaps in a bid to alleviate some of his guilty, he came clean about her.

"Syrene...ah, Wridelth's rider, she makes for an...interesting drunk. There was a drinking contest a while back. Tell me, am I dense?" He paused in his story to look at Meira quizzically. Seriously, he totally hadn't seen Syrene's true feelings. Was he simply dense in that area or was the girl good at hiding it? T'san blinked at Meira's question and then grinned. "Ah, this Gather has something interesting. It's rather meaningless to buy it alone but since we ran into each other I think it's appropriate. This waaaay!"

He gently began to guide the woman towards the jewlery store. Oh, he could certainly pile gifts on her but he wasn't really the type and would probably only be burdened by such things wherever she was. But! The jewlery store still had something simple of interest and possibly even more meaningful than sparkles and glitter. The offer to hear about his friends made the brownrider mentally pause. "I..uh - E'rro, Elysia? I know they got out. And do you know anything about S'rei? I don't need much, just to know if they're alive?"