Never Too Late to Apologize (Ka'rys)

[kysseh]

He looked even more youthful sitting as he was, but Savitri was loathe to tell him that, especially considering the fact that he was listening. She had been fully prepared for interruptions and many protests and scathing remarks, and for him to be so quiet was... a bit alarming. Natural caution took precedence over the careful trust she was starting to build, and she watched him a bit nervously, waiting for him to make a move. She wondered what he was up to as he uncurled from his fetal ball, and she straightened up a bit as pale hands fell on her shoulders. Her green eyes flicked over his face, waiting for some indication of what was going through his mind.

Frowning was... well, it would have been disturbing had he not moved to put himself on the floor, right in front of her. They were on the same level now, and though she still had to look up a bit to look him, she found it touching that he had removed himself from the marginally more comfortable perch on his chair to be down on her level. It was... warming, actually, and it showed that despite his sometimes unemotional words and actions, he actually did care... somewhere beneath all that indifference. It was a bit alarming too. Unlike Savitri, Ka'rys had much to gain from getting in her good favor. When Aslath Flew and chose a new mate, he would no longer be weyrleader. Getting in Savitri's good graces meant influence... and possibly pleasure, if he really viewed her as... even somewhat attractive, or was that desperate. She had every reason to be cautious of him, and while she was still just a bit wary, his apology weighed far more heavily on her mind.

"I'm sorry for going off like that. It's just something that bothers me," she admitted, relaxing a bit as his hands slid down her arms and then moved to drop away. Her hands lifted to catch them, graceful fingers wrapped very loosely around his wrists. The way he spoke... it made it seem like he had had less than an ideal childhood as well. She wondered. He responded strangely to her affection. Most people welcomed or completely scorned it. He seemed... confused, as Mutasim had. She was not one to press for details, and she would not now. But it still made her wonder, and she gave him a brief flicker of a smile as he finished, nodding in reluctant understanding. "I admire people like my father... who spend all their life working honestly. I'm anything but lazy, and I can certainly appreciate unending amounts of backbreaking work. But... I think it's not so much holdlife or weyrlife that makes life what it is. It's what... each of us needs and wants." She smirked faintly. "Though I suppose that neither Hepaticath nor Ciceroth would have wanted us were we any different than we are now. And I can't imagine life without her anymore."

The depth of what they were discussing was becoming a tad... uncomfortable. She wanted to believe that he would not use any of this against her at any later point, but... well, his outburst still had her a little concerned. Besides that, sitting as she was on the floor was not entirely the most comfortable of positions. She deflected the attention toward his arm again to cover her unease, glancing down at the bandaged limb and then back at his face. "So much for not using it," she pointed out dryly, though her smile betrayed her. "Thank you... though. Just... thank you." For everything, really, though she could not figure out how to articulate that without confusing him. She hoped he understood.

It did slow me down. It now has my full attention. Or... most of my attention. Hepaticath amended, happily itching her back on the branch. Her golden head turned as she saw her playmate making a futile attempt at knocking over a tree. His wings kicked up enough dust that she sneezed and sidestepped behind a larger tree in an attempt to avoid the cloud. Poor Ciceroth. He looked very frustrated, and Hepaticath decided to take pity on the both of them by emerging. That would be an unfair race since you have wings that you can use. I am coming out. she informed him before slipping out from between the tree trunks. She went to him immediately, circling around and nosing at his flank to deflect his attention from the trees. I give in. This time. Next time, I will make you knock down a tree. she told him, though the playful croon she emitted and the mischievous sparkle in her whirling eyes were evidence enough of her bluff. She would rather play closely with him than taunt and tease. That was only fun and polite for a moment before it was just mean. And she was loathe to chase off her favorite playmate.

[glamourie]

Why was she apologizing? It wasn't like listening hurt him; what did she expect, that he would be annoyed by her telling him something so private? He was... flattered, actually, and a touch confused. Given the fact that he was anything but warm and friendly, very few people confided in him and even fewer did so with as much emotion in their words and explanations as what Savitri had just done. He wasn't entirely sure how he was supposed to react. Should he have been angry? He wasn't. Should he have been annoyed? He wasn't that, either. He did feel moderately helpless, but only because he had no idea of what he truly was meant to be doing. Comfort wasn't his specialty. Ka'rys was far than less inclined to be friendly to people, or try to help. He was too critical, too literal, too judgmental, too harsh. Even when he cared, he was bad about showing it very well. A good example of that was his Wing. He was more than tough on them and he knew it. He expected them to be the best, and he was critical. But when they got hurt? When they got hurt, he took it as if he himself was hurt; he was happy to spend time in the infirmary and see to it their dragons were cared for. He wasn't very good at being good to people or showing he cared but that did not mean that he didn't. He just... well, he wasn't exactly normal.

"Don't apologize, 'vi." Those who knew Ka'rys well would probably note that getting a nickname from him meant fondness; he just didn't call people by nicknames often, and if he could help it he stuck with titles. Only a handful of people or creatures got nicknames. Ciss, Kale, Radi and 'Win. And 'Vi. After he said it, he recognized how strange it was. Kalerary was his daughter; Leradi was his weyrmate for two turns at least. Ciss was an obvious one, and Rawign was practically his pet. (If he had to admit it to himself, he found the healer amusing if only because he was so stuck on himself, over the silliest things, and insecure over the more important things - a classic example of irrationality at its finest.) "I'm hardly in a position to scorn you for an emotional display, am I?" Hadn't he gone off on her only moments before? No, he had no right to judge. That, at least, was the excuse he used, as his eyes dropped to her hands curled around his wrists. He didn't want to think about what other possible motives he could have for listening so calmly, though if he was completely true to himself, he was fairly sure he'd have listened to most anyone if they sounded as upset as Savitri had. Did. Not that he told her that.

Would Ciceroth have wanted him if he was different? Ka'rys wasn't sure, and he couldn't ask. All he could sense was mild frustration and amusement from the bronze, and a sense that trees were very bad things indeed. He didn't know what that was about and he'd ask him later. For the moment, he settled for looking down at his arms and smiling. "I'm not stressing it," he teased quietly, then looked down slightly. "You don't owe me any thank you." His right hand moved to run over his bandaged left arm before he looked up at her again. He was tempted to add something joking, but... the timing was off. He settled for as reassuring a smile as he could muster before climbing to his feet carefully. Then he turned his hands to catch her wrists equally, and pulled gently at her arms as though to help her up. "You have no idea the mess that's been on that floor - glows, knives, I'm fairly sure that I've thrown dirty clothing there... you probably shouldn't sit there."

Actually, he wasn't entirely comfortable with someone sitting on the floor of his weyr at all. The floor implied.. inferiority, at least metaphorically, and he didn't like that. No matter how silly he was for taking things that way. He was sure Savitri didn't see it like that at all.

Oblivious to his mindmate's conversation (he was paying Ka'rys very little attention), Ciceroth leaned further on the tree. It did not lean at all, or give under his weight. He rumbled in annoyance, then snapped his tail before turning at the sound of Hepaticath sneezing. Almost as if her sneeze triggered it, Ciceroth sneezed too, and then fell backwards, landing in what was undeniably an awkward position almost sitting but not quite. His eyes whirled in confusion, and he turned just in time to see Hepaticath exiting the trees. The bronze perked up and he turned to look at her before leaning down to nudge the little queen playfully. I would not use my wings; I am not the type to cheat. He crooned and rearranged himself so he was more comfortable, then flicked his tail at the tree, as if in defiance. I am not entirely sure I can knock most of these down. They are very large.

[kysseh]

Savitri was startled by his use of a nickname, and the look she gave him clearly displayed her bewilderment. Ka'rys had never used anything but her rank or her full name with her, and she was unsure as to the sudden reason for the shortened name. Was it affection or just familiarity... or was he picking on her? It was rather hard to tell with him, but since he had snapped at her for assuming the worst...

She opted to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it was for one of the former two reasons and not the negative latter. This was going to take some work, blind faith in him. She could try, though, but she highly doubted that her efforts would entirely be successful. His further comments elicited something resembling a smile, despite her own hesitation on the matter. "I guess not. I suppose we're even, then... or perhaps its your turn next. Feel free to. That much negativity wears me out," she said honestly with a shrug of one of her shoulders. Her hands still loosely cradled his wrists, and she was somewhat loathe to relinquish possession. She could feel his pulse fluttering beneath her fingertips, and it was... actually rather soothing, for a reason she could not identify. She just... liked it.

His movements to get up had her startled, focused as she was on making sure that he was not further damaging that left arm, and when his hands captured her wrists to pull her up, she obeyed more out of instinct than any real acquiescence. His words had her chuckling and shaking her head. "If you wanted me to get up and leave, you could just ask," she informed him, though he still had possession of her wrists, and her bag was at the floor near her feet. She could not exactly flee at any moment. "Besides, weren't you just sitting there too? And gentle on that arm." Her tone was a little more scolding now, and she attempted to extricate her wrists from his grip. Try as she might, though, she could not manage to look annoyed or concerned. She actually looked... rather calm. "I do owe you thanks for listening to that... mess. It's needed to come out for awhile," she said rather briskly, sighing at her own moment of weakness. "And with my little brother here now, I'm sure the messages are going to becoming twice as often and ten times more furious. Not that I respond, but still... it's a bit disheartening to have your own mother calling you such things." Of course, a man might not find being called an ugly and completely unattractive, barren hag--to summarize the many childish things--to be much of an insult, but it was... especially coming from a female parent. Savitri's ego still smarted at the thought of it.

Hepaticath let out a rumble of amusement as Ciceroth managed to arrange his awkward posture into something slightly more comfortable. Had he any notion of how silly he had looked?! Probably, though she would never do him the discourtesy of showing her unending amusement allowed. It would have been rude and cruel, and he was paying attention to her now. That made up for his sudden obsession with the tree. Then I would make sure to find the tiniest tree in the forest for you. she replied to him, feeling both teasing and gracious. His playful nudge was returned a bit more forcefully, though her much smaller size meant that it had far less impact. Shardit. She needed to grow faster!

[glamourie]

"I'll pass, if you don't mind," Ka'rys replied with a weak smile. He didn't like talking about himself. At all. He hated it actually. He'd rather listen to a thousand of Savitri's rants than have to think about his own feelings for more than a few brief seconds. At least with her he didn't feel like he was whining or wrong. Her emotions were hard to understand but not half as bad as his own. He'd spent his entire life trying to bottle everything up and when it came surging out, it came with the force of a tidal wave. He'd just as soon pass that up. It wasn't personal against Savitri, but rather, Ka'rys would take anything over having to face his own feelings for more than a few fleeting seconds. What would he have given, if only for the briefest chance to forget how to feel? Not that it was an option. Every time he closed down to that level, something or someone (usually Ciceroth) dragged him back - back up to the surface. He settled for bottling, passive aggression, and violently abusing his furs. There were probably more constructive ways to deal with his anger (like going through the records, practicing and assigning asinine jobs to people he didn't like) but the most frequent was abuse of his furs. Sad, but true.

He snorted quietly before releasing Savitri's wrists, his arms dropping to his sides. He wasn't being intentionally rough on his arm, at least he didn't think he was, so he settled for pulling a face. No other response. "Well, it's my floor, anything on it I've probably put there," he said softly, and then shrugged as if it was unimportant. "Besides, I was sitting there because you were." He was also laying on the floor next to Ciceroth when she came in, but that was for different reasons; he'd been listening, and... well, he found listening enjoyable. It was amazing, really, the amount of sounds the Weyr made in every day day-to-day life; no one seemed to realize just how many different noises echoed through the corridors and the weyrs themselves. The river, the waterfall, dragons, greens as they rose, green flitters, gold flitters, firelizards in general, wherries and herdbeasts; sometimes talking, people as they walked by... it was like the steady beat of a song, a harmony. He enjoyed singling out each sound to identify the source. It made it easier to recognize the ones that did not fit into the mold.

Speaking of not fitting into the mold -- "Why does it matter what your mother says?" he asked, not fully understanding. He had never known his mother. He'd never laid eyes on her as far as he knew. Well, he must have, but he couldn't recall a thing about the woman. He'd never had a fostermother to worry about either, and he'd never had much in the way of family. He couldn't imagine why it would matter, though. "You're a queenrider - that is the highest honor a woman on Pern can have. Queens don't pick just anyone, and they're not hatched every clutch. Doesn't your mother realize what a mark of your worth it is, that of all the girls on the Sands, in all of Selenitas, Hepaticath picked you? Of all that she could have chose, all that she could have decided upon, you were who she wanted - you alone were special enough. Through her you're one of the people who is dedicated to protecting the Holds, keeping them safe from harm, and helping to maintain Selenitas. Your title is worth far more than Lady Holder. If she doesn't, why does it matter to you? It's she who is blind - why take her opinions to heart?" Ka'rys had no family. None. He couldn't imagine parents or siblings being disappointed in him because of that, and it was easy for him to assume that just like he tuned out the opinions of people like Shmee, or others who scorned him. They meant little to nothing. Ciceroth was happy with him, proud of him, most of the time. He couldn't understand why letters that disregarded so many facts would matter to Savitri at all, and the confusion showed on his face. He frowned.

Snorting, Ciceroth leaned over and nudged Hepaticath a touch more forcefully, intending to push her over gently. She was teasing him, was she? Haaarumph. You laugh at me, but I have the last laugh, as I can still make bigger and more spectacular splashes than you can. He wasn't above teasing her back, and there was absolutely no malice in his 'voice' as he addressed her. Hepaticath amused him. He didn't mind at all that she seemed to think his behavior entertaining. He wasn't serious very often and most certainly not when playing with a weyrling. What did he gain by that? So you go make fun of my inability to push down a tree. You try it! See how you do.

[kysseh]

Of course he wanted to pass. Male pride, not wanting to be vulnerable... Savitri could think of a whole host of reasons why he would not want to repeat their respective outbursts. And much as it annoyed her to think that he still could not trust her, she had to admit that she was not entirely trusting of him either. They were on even ground, then, so to speak, and that made her feel a bit better about the whole chaotic mess. She could have smartly responded to that, but she gave him the grace of letting it go without comment, only quirking one eyebrow to indicate that she had heard. His reasonings could wait for another time. She was a patient woman when it came to some things.

His response to her comment about the floor had her taken aback for a moment, and she paused to tilt her one side and eye his expression with a great deal of curiosity. He certainly was an odd one to sit on the floor just because she was on it. She glanced down at the patch of floor she had been sitting on and took her newly-released hands to dust herself off... just to tease him and to be on the safe side. She was unsure whether to be touched or wonder just what was going through his mind. Blind trust... she reminded herself before giving him the benefit of the doubt and going with the former... again. She wanted to tease him about it but could not quite summon up the words for it, so she just settled for smiling, a genuine smile that lit up her eyes at his chivalry. Or... was it chauvinism? Whatever the case, she would just take it for the good.

His sudden and prolonged lecture of sorts had the smile vanishing rapidly from her face, and she was startled speechless for a moment. About halfway through, it became painfully clear to her that he did not have family... or at least not family that had played any significant role in his life. He had never known the crushing disappointment faced by a person having to look at a reproachful parent who was letdown by their offspring's mischief or lack of ambition or drive. Or... just lack of accomplishments. He did have a point, though. Why did it matter? "It matters because she's my mother. And on some level, I'd like to think that she loves me at least a little," she admitted with another shrug. "I don't like disappointing her, but I'm willing to do it if I feel it has to be done. I left, I got Virast out of there... I Stood for that clutch." Was he trying to reassure her of her own worth, or was he just in disbelief that a queenrider was concerned about her mother's thoughts of her? Shardit, but he was difficult to understand sometimes! "I know my own worth, Ka'rys. I know that I'm important... and that Cath was important. I went onto the Sands knowing that I could Impress her. I just... never expected to. There were plenty of other girls there, and frankly, I wasn't sure I wanted to put up with a temperamental brat of a queen." She smiled wryly, idly rubbing the still-fresh scars on her left arm, more visible reminders of the Hatching. "I was... pleasantly surprised, to say the least." On all counts... minus getting ten vicious claws to the torso. No, she could have gone without that.

Hepaticath let out an undignified squawk and toppled over onto her side and then rolled onto her back before she could halt her momentum, Ciceroth's nudge having caught her off guard. She flailed for a brief moment before she managed to coordinate herself enough to flip over and stand, giving the great bronze a slightly reproachful look that was softened by the quick green-blue whirl of her eyes. Oh, how difficult it was to be annoyed with such a willing playmate! You can now. You will not forever. she reminded him, though his challenge made her snort softly. Oh, well, he wanted to be the king of loopholes, didn't he? She turned her head and spied a tiny, springy little sapling whose top branches barely reached to the level of her own head. Ahh, an easy one! She stood on her hind legs for a moment and lifted one forefoot to rest it near the top, applying weight and pressure until it bent all the way over to where her forefoot was on the ground again, the top of the sapling pinned beneath it. You never said it had to be a large tree. she reminded him a big smugly before removing her foot. Unfortunately, the little queen had not yet learned the lessons of the laws of the universe, and she was thus shocked and knocked over when the sapling sprang back to its normal stance and thwacked her solidly across the head in the process. She lie on her side for a moment, stunned. What was that?!

[glamourie]

Ka'rys frowned, still not fully understanding. If her mother loved her, then why couldn't she be happy for her? He tried to think how he would have felt if Kalerary was old enough to Impress and - well, honestly, he'd have wanted anything that made her happy. If she stood, he'd have been happy whether she Impressed or not. If she decided not to, he'd have been happy for that, too. Naturally he would've preferred her to Impress a ranking dragon - but that was because Kalerary was a northern girl, and he didn't like the idea of her not being able to protect herself, or having something to keep her safe. His head .. well, he was confused. Yes, confused, no matter how he tried to slice it. From his own perspective, he couldn't imagine wanting someone to be proud of him at all. He'd never had anyone but Ciceroth to compliment him on things done well, really, and he'd turned out okay for it - better, really, if he wanted to be technical. From a parental standpoint he could not remotely imagine why anyone would deliberately make their child feel like they were less that way. Kalerary could do very little wrong in his eyes and he hadn't seen her in four turns. It didn't matter that she wasn't an active part of his life anymore. What mattered was she was his blood, and he did care about her as much as he was able to. If she accomplished half of what Savitri had in her life, he'd be proud. Just half. As long as she was happy. Not that he was likely to ever find out, but still. Shouldn't that have been what Savitri's parents wanted, too?

"Your mother doesn't make any sense," he replied with a note of disapproval in his voice. "I can't understand why she'd be disappointed in you. I can't. Parents are supposed to love their children and want the best for them, and I can't think of anything better for you than where you're at now. It sounds to me like she's only thinking about herself." And how Savitri's behavior could benefit her. From a parental standpoint it annoyed him; it was not the child's job to be exactly what the parent wanted to bolster their goals, ambitions and status. It was the parents' job to see to it that their child have every opportunity available, or so he thought. Maybe he was wrong? He frowned, trying privately to reason it out in his mind. He'd had no parents. No one to judge based off of, or get an idea of right from wrong from. Leradi seemed to feel the same way he did, so maybe that counted for something? Maybe he wasn't completely inaccurate? He'd ask, he decided. There were a few people at Selenitas he respected enough to ask, out of context. Savitri's name would never come up and no one would ever find out she was why he wanted to know. If nothing else it would be good for him to understand whether or not the person with the real problem was him and not ... well, other people. He didn't like admitting ignorance, but he hated actually being ignorant even more.

Rubbing his nose, Ka'rys glanced toward his weyrledge, in the general direction of Ciceroth. "If it makes you feel any better," he said quietly, but not without a hint of amusement in his voice, "I didn't expect to Impress Ciceroth, either." No, when he'd Stood, he was sure if he Impressed at all, it would be a blue, maybe a small brown. Most bronzeriders were big - strong - and he definitely was not. He'd been young enough to figure that no bronze would want some small boy who was nearly mute. He'd been most surprised when Ciceroth waddled (and yes, he'd waddled at the time) over to him and flopped in the sand next to him, creeling about how his wings were sore because he stepped on them, and how he was so hungry. Ka'rys remembered that day well because the first thing out of his mouth had been "Don't whine, it's unbecoming," before he realized that he'd just Impressed a bronze. He frowned, then added softly, "If all mothers are prone to sticking to one steady expectation and not being happy when their child exceeds it... well, I'm glad I didn't know mine. I don't envy you at all."

Rumbling, Ciceroth watched Hepaticath flail in amusement. His eyes whirled vibrantly. She didn't seem hurt, so he was not remotely apologetic - that was, until she jumped onto the sapling. He huffed, quite haughty, only to actually jump slightly as the sapling sprang back and thwacked Hepaticath on the head. In direct retaliation, Ciceroth moved over and sat on it, putting his entire weight against the little offending tree, before leaning over to nudge the little gold with nothing short of affection. He crooned, worried, and his eyes whirled. You have to be careful; these are bendy. He had no better way of explaining it than that, really. Are you okay? I could pull it up and throw it in the river for hitting you. He was already sitting on it, and surely that was punishment enough for the offensive baby tree?

[kysseh]

Ka'rys seemed more than a little confused--or perhaps he was just upset?--by her poor attempt at an explanation, though really, Savitri had no idea what to add to it. As much as she despised what her mother did, she could not bring it upon herself to hate the woman. Simply put, she just thought the woman to be... well, simple in thought and motivation. That, or the woman was so devious that she had some ulterior motive for chasing Savitri off. No, she doubted that was the case. Her mother had always been more world-weary than really conniving, except when it came to the matters of grandchildren. Then she could be quite the conjurer of devious machinations, and Savitri counted herself lucky to have escaped the hold with her single status intact. Shards, but she was not heading back for awhile.

Though... a slow smile spread across her face at the thought of returning to the hold when Cath was fully grown and at her impressive mature stature. Ha. That ought to shut the woman up for good. Savitri could not imagine her mother being insistent on anything with a man-sized golden head staring her right in the face. No, the young healer was not a vicious sort of person by nature, but she was vindictive when the occasion called for it. And this seemed to be one of those occasions that just could not be passed up.

His words distracted her from that most delightful train of thought, and she came back to reality to acknowledge his confusion. Well, he had the right of it, certainly. "That's what parents should want, yes. And that's what a lot of parents do want for their children. My father does, certainly. He may not understand what's best for us, but he knows that I'm doing what I want, and he doesn't try to dissuade me otherwise. My mother... well, what parents think is best sometimes isn't always what is best for their kids. What proper lifestyle is for my mother is not the same as for me, as much as she would like to think so. Does... that make any sense? Her idea of the proper life is just different. Very different. I just don't reply to her messages anymore. I'm tempted to go visit with Cath when she's fully grown. That ought to shut her up." Actually, she was fairly sure it would, for a time. And then her mother would start nagging at her for something else. Nagging... something Savitri had apparently learned well. She was touched by the fact that Ka'rys could not find fault or disappointment, but then again, he was a tad biased. He had not had to put up with her as a child.

His admission that he had not ever known his mother was... unsurprising, though it still made her a bit sad. Mothers were often the first and primary source of comfort for a child, and his aversion to physical contact could have been a result of the lack thereof as a child. She knew that much. Still, he seemed to be glazing over the fact, and she offered him up a smile before distractedly glancing around to see if her supplies were packed and in her bag. She had a suspicion she was missing something. "You weren't expecting a to Impress a bronze? Perhaps I should blame Ciceroth for your ego, then," she remarked with a quirk of her lips. "I'm hardly surprised. You seem far more likely a candidate for a bronzerider than half the riders in this weyr. Honestly... some of them... I don't know what their dragons saw in them." She snorted softly and then flicked him a very brief smile. "I don't think my mother is a very good representative of all mothers. Don't judge them all by her."

Hepaticath just lie still for a moment, quickly sorting through what had just happened. Bent-over tree... letting go of bent-over tree... tree hitting her in the head. Well... that was an entirely unexpected consequence, though now she was wise to it. A shadow passed over her, and she tilted her head and carefully rolled to get her legs beneath her, seeing that Ciceroth was effectively squishing the offending tree. Oh.... well, he had better be careful getting up from it. A swatted backside probably hurt far more than a swatted head. A dragon did not sit on their own head, after all. She returned his nudge with a quiet croon and then shook her head a bit to clear it. That had been... enlightening. I am fine, thank you. I did not realize how... bouncy?... those are. I know better now. she said with a hint of self-recrimination. She did not get up yet, however, just comfortably resting to get her head back in order. Be careful getting up off it. I don't think it needs to go into the river. That was my fault... not the tree's. She still didn't like the tree, but the tree was only doing what it was supposed to. She had been stupid. But... now she knew better. At least it did not scratch me.

[glamourie]

"It sounds to me like she wants you to have her life. Different or not, that's not doing what's best for you, it's doing what's best for her," Ka'rys countered with a definite hint of disapproval in his voice. Savitri could defend her all she wanted. Maybe she was even right to, considering it was her mother he was speaking of, but Ka'rys could not and would not look past the fact that Savitri's happiness should have trumped all. She was healthy and happy. What was so wrong with being a queenrider in the South? Aside from the fact that the northerners would probably try to kill her at some point (and the idea actually made Ka'rys pause for a moment, visibly tensing), there was nothing to be ashamed of, and Savitri was intelligent enough to learn to protect herself. If her mother couldn't be happy for her, then she had a problem, as far as Ka'rys was concerned... though the level of annoyance he felt actually worried him. Why did he care so much that Savitri's parents weren't proud of her? ... Or was it more because her mother seemed to upset her? She'd sounded so hurt, talking about Holds, and then she said her mother seemed disappointed. It bothered him and he did not fully understand why. He settled for deciding to keep his tongue in check. He couldn't relate, he didn't understand and all he felt was anger that someone who should have cared the most about her did nothing but make Savitri feel bad.

No. He didn't envy her at all. He couldn't stand the idea of being a constant disappointment to someone who mattered. It was bad enough that he was afraid of disappointing Ciceroth. One was enough - more... more would be hard on him. Maybe it was something people got used to if they dealt with it often? The entire thought process made his head hurt. "I think visiting with Hepaticath would be good. If her sheer appearance doesn't impress your mother, you could always tell Hepaticath to eat her." There was nothing serious about the last part of his words, and he tilted his head slightly, smiling, to emphasize the fact that he was joking. Some people got testy on subjects like that, but he was trying to be supportive. His honest feeling was that if the woman was that self-absorbed, going back to visit her couldn't help at all - but that was just how Ka'rys was. He avoided things he didn't like, always had. Conflict meant run away rather than deal with anything of honest emotional complexity... which meant it was amazing he hadn't run away from Savitri. She definitely confused him...

"I don't judge them all by your mother. I just..." Didn't want one. Honestly, Ka'rys was quite happy just the way he was, and everything negative he heard about mothers, fathers and families in general made him glad he didn't know his. The one relative he had was a stranger and he did mourn her when she died. He'd fallen apart privately, and they didn't even know one another well. Trying to make Savitri understand though that he didn't miss envy her at all, because everything he heard just made him think families were more trouble than they were worth, was not likely to work. He had the distinct feeling that the subject of family was one area where he and the weyrlingrider would never agree. They were raised too entirely differently. "Well, I don't approve of her making you feel bad, and I don't envy you having someone you care about continually doing that; you deserve better." That was about as honest as he was going to get, really.

Ciceroth crooned back at Hepaticath and nudged her again, the touch undeniably affectionate. He was very physical, particularly with people or dragons that he liked. Only when he was angry did he avoid touching - it was one of his more dominant traits. A sound half-like a purr escaped his throat. You are much more forgiving than most would be, he said, and it was meant to be praise. I am glad you are not hurt. I would feel bad if I caused you harm. By accident - of course - since it was the only way that he ever would. Perhaps we should play away from the trees to avoid further incident. I do not want to risk you getting hurt again. His eyes colored with worry, but he did not move to stand yet - he was quite comfortable squashing the offensive tree that dared to hit Hepaticath in the head. If it had scratched you, I would have to flame it.

[kysseh]

"That's... sort of my point, Ka'rys. I don't think she can understand that that's not what's best for me. Or... maybe she's just too selfish to admit it. Regardless, she is my mother, so I can't hate her for that. I just... wish she'd open her eyes a little, I suppose." Savitri was a bit put off by the obvious disapproval in Ka'rys' voice. She was unsure if it was for her mother's stubborn refusal to see reason or for her own wistful regrets that her female parent would accept her as she was. True, the woman had never been much of a mother to Savitri, but they shared a blood bond that the young healer could not deny. And she had never been cruel to Savitri until the issue of Joining had come up. Indifferent, perhaps... but not outwardly cruel. Then again, perhaps that indifferent neglect had been cruel in its own right. She tried to not dwell on it much.

His joking was met with light chuckling, and Savitri had to acknowledge that she had occasionally entertained the idea in a rare flight of fancy after receiving a particularly vicious missive from the irate woman. The thought had been fleeting, but she still wished she could threaten to carry it out. Perhaps her mother would gain a little new respect for Savitri in her new position of semi-authority at the weyr. Yes... semi-authority. 'Authority' was perhaps too kind a word. Who knew how much Shmee would let her do, though Savitri hoped she would be allowed to keep busy. She hated sitting idle, though this... this conversation did not qualify as idling. Enlightening... and soothing, yet still somewhat bothersome, mostly because she had verbally vomited a lot more information than she felt comfortable with offering up. She needed to work on her brain-to-mouth connections, apparently.

She could not quite contain the flush that worked its way up her neck at his statement that she deserved better than what she had gotten. Perhaps it was the tone in which he said it or the fact that he fought on her behalf, which was a rare enough occurrence that she could genuinely appreciate the significance of it. She... appreciated his caring. That was a good word for it, or it was as good as she could summon up at the moment. "I'm... I appreciate that you think that, but it doesn't change the facts. If I thought Cath threatening to take a bite would help, I'd try it, but... I don't think much of anything will change her mind," she admitted, her voice tinged with regret. That was one thing that she would always feel that she could have fixed a little better, though it was a bit of a lost cause now. Removing Virast had been the proverbial last twist, she thought, though she would have done things no differently in that case. No, he was far better off here... despite his little neuroses.

She sensed that she had overstayed her welcome, and she bent to retrieve her bag, quickly making sure all of her supplies were in place before closing it up and rising back to her feet. A few strands of hair fell in her face, and she irritably pushed them aside. She needed to get rid of those irksome locks. Perhaps a haircut was in order soon. "I should... probably make sure that Cath is all right... leave you to your... well, whatever it was that you were doing. What.... were you doing?" she inquired curiously. "You had me worried for a moment when I came in."

He nudged her again, and Hepaticath crooned lightly to reassure him that she was, indeed, quite unharmed by her misadventure. The next sound to come from his throat had her startled at first, but then she responded with an affectionate rumble of her own, getting to her feet and nuzzling lightly at his side--all that she could reach for the moment--before backing away from the trees. The tree did not do it on purpose. And you did nothing wrong. she reassured him... as soon as she was a safe distance from the trees, of course. I think that playing away from the trees is a very good idea. I would rather that neither of us get hit by trees. Ciceroth's pronouncement of intent to hurt the tree had her rumbling with amusement at the image. The poor little tree would not stand a chance. Perhaps knocking down trees is not the best of games at all...

[glamourie]

That... did not improve nor help his opinions any; if anything, it made him think less. Just because the south wasn't as heavily dependent on dragonriders during a Fall as the north didn't make being one anything to be ashamed of and being a queenrider was something to be exceptionally proud of. At least, by most standards. Considering Ka'rys hadn't exactly had many good run-ins with queenriders he could honestly say his opinion was different in most scenarios, but nevertheless there was no shame in being a dragonrider at all; Savitri would always have a home to go to, always have food on her table and, ironically, always have people wanting to climb in her furs. Exactly what more did her mother want from her? She was as safe as she was going to get, considering she was a queenrider and every dragon would move to protect the golds if they were attacked, and the riders would go out of their way to protect the goldriders. He really didn't see anything to be ashamed of or how those facts could be ignored in favor of wanting one's child married off to some holder who, in the case of something going awry, probably couldn't protect her. Just because he could respect the hardwork did not mean he thought it was a better life than being a dragonrider; he just didn't think it was that much worse - under normal circumstances. He wouldn't have traded Ciceroth for anything.

"I don't see why you even open her letters," Ka'rys replied with a note of agitation coloring his voice; he honestly didn't. His opinion was that if someone was that negative, they weren't worth thinking about. Family or not, sometimes one had to see reason. Then again, he did recognize that he honestly couldn't understand Savitri's position at all. Aside from not having family, he was also northern-born, male, and a bronzerider... and currently, a Weyrleader; he was pretty sure it didn't get much better than that in the north. Maybe not in the south too, although if he was completely honest, he'd have traded it all for a life of anonymity. Positions of power and influence really did not appeal to him at all. If his parents were still alive, though, he doubted they'd have any complaints about his life. If they did, he wouldn't have cared, either. They didn't raise him. He'd raised himself. "I wouldn't. All they do is upset you. If you're determined to keep up with what is said - and whether anything serious happens - you could have someone else read them and tell you the important highlights, but you shouldn't subject yourself to that sort of abuse."

And just who was he to talk? He spoke to Shmee willingly, and that was always something that made him want to slap his head off walls. She had a peculiar talent for angering him and she really was little more than a ball of negativity for him most of the time. Ka'rys shook his head. Dark thoughts, dark thoughts --

-- question. Glancing up at Savitri again, Ka'rys squinted. "I was listening," he said with no embarrassment whatsoever. "You would be surprised, the kind of things one hears when you tune out thoughts and just listen to the sounds of the Weyr. Dragons, firelizards, wherries, felines in the distance, the waterfall, I'm certain I heard Lura shrieking something, and I can usually identify which dragon is which by the sounds they make just by laying around. Ciceroth thinks it's a waste of time since he can tell me which one is which without me having to listen but it keeps me entertained. I was laying on the floor so I could be closer to him." Physically. He preferred a proximity to Ciss if he could help it; always had. The bronze was... comforting in every way. His only real friend. He didn't add that part of why he stayed so still was in hopes that Savitri would lose interest and leave, though - at the time of her coming in he really hadn't wanted to talk. He still wasn't sure how he felt about their conversation at all...

Rumbling in agreement, Ciceroth stood back up - carefully - and left his tail resting on top of the branch with all the strength the long appendage offered. He moved away and then slowly moved off the tree, allowing it to return to proper position. Strangely, it was a resilient baby tree, and once he was off it, he leaned over to nudge it with the end of his nose just to make sure it was real. Hmm. His eyes whirled slightly yellow and he backed away slowly, as though he expected the sapling to reach out and try to attack him for sitting on it. While trees didn't normally do that, he was still a little weary. Not the best, no; we can find other .. games. Let's get away before it tries to hit me, he suggested, backing up still. He surely looked comical, backing down from a little sapling, but it was intended to be humorous - at least in part. He really did not want to be thwacked. I think the tree is very vindictive.

[kysseh]

Ka'rys probably would never be able to understand, and Savitri acknowledged that. She could not be upset at him for that, though, since it scarcely seemed his fault. It was like explaining sight to those who had been born completely blind. It was impossible for a person to fully understand something that they had never experienced, and Ka'rys... suffice it to say that she felt he just did not get it. It was also wholly unclear whether his concern was for her happiness or the situation in general. Truthfully, she could not tell. He seemed very upset about the fact that she was being emotionally 'abused', though Savitri thought that 'abuse' was probably not the correct word. She could not think of a more proper one, though, so she let him just use that one without challenging him for details.

"I read them because... she's my mother, and I'd rather get all the news from home. And occasionally, my father will write a few words, so that's always a welcome change." She wished her father had taken a more active role in most of his children's lives. As it was, he had left it up to his wife, who had largely left the raising of her offspring up to Savitri, when the girl was there. Now... who knew who was taking care of them all? "Besides, they're.... well, they're private. I'd rather not have anyone else know. Telling you is... difficult enough," she admitted, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. She really did want to escape before this got any more awkward. "Though, you were honest with me, so it'd be rude of me to not return the favor."

The way he spoke about being near to his dragon was... endearing. She had at first thought she was strange for liking to curl up beside Cath to sleep, but apparently, this was common. However, his description of his activities before she had arrived gave her as good of an out as any, and she was going to snag that opportunity. She... needed to get things done. This conversation--which should have been brief and business-like--had turned intimate and awkward and had shaken her up more than it should have. "Well, I'm sorry for disturbing your listening. I... need to get back to chores and such. Take care of that arm," she said before making for the door.

Halfway there, she paused, turned around to look back at him, smiling faintly. "Thank you... for... for listening. I really do appreciate it. Enjoy your solitude," she said quietly, her eyes betraying her genuine appreciation. Then she whirled quickly and was gone, leaving only the sound of quiet footsteps in her wake.

Hepaticath let out an amused rumble at the sight of her playmate easing off the tree. Her shining head tilted to one side as he nudged at the tree, concerned at the yellow in his eyes. She did not comment, though, letting him back up still. The tree did not seem the type of thing to attack him, but perhaps being cautious was best, even though Ciceroth looked beyond hilarious in being afraid of a tree. She was too well-mannered to point that fact out, so she settled for backing away as well. There was no harm in being cautious, right? Yes, we can find other places to play... away from hurting trees. she stated calmly. Then it was too tempting to pass up, and she nipped him impertinently and clumsily walk-hopped off. This way!