|
Post by glamourie on Dec 9, 2009 23:25:21 GMT -5
He ignored the comment. Kalierre knew very well what he meant by that (or so he thought). His head bowed and he chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully. When it came to the dragonhealer, there were a lot of things R’wign didn’t understand. Part of that was that they were fundamentally different people: Kalierre did not seem to care what others thought of her, while R’wign cared perhaps too much; he might have been better at hiding it than most but at his core, he was really someone who feared being a letdown to anyone that he met. Feared… and resented. He wasn’t able to live with the idea that he was just terrible. In anyone’s eyes, really. The primary reason Dorava upset him – if he was to be totally honest – was that no matter how hard he tried, no matter how often he defended her, the woman insisted – positively insisted – that he hated and mistreated her. R’wign had no idea how to respond to that because it was rare for him to be genuinely mean to someone. He’d certainly never been actively cruel to Dorava, not to merit the opinion she had of him and… he hated that feeling; the fact that nothing he did would ever make an impact. She’d always think he was a horrible, mean person.
“That’s… fairly accurate, yes.” R’wign crinkled his nose. He didn’t think his history was terribly dramatic. The most unusual thing was him running away from home… although the section about his apprenticeship certainly sounded like a horror tale. He was about to add to his explanation when Kalierre inquired and he blinked, twice, his head turning to look her straight in the face. An odd feeling passed through him and…
… he tensed. Very, very vividly. Part of him wanted to recoil and run away. He was being ridiculous, he knew. He wasn’t ashamed of M’ta but the way she worded it made him feel like he was fifteen, with a runny nose, covered in dirt, caught red handed with his hand on the pie rack and it was an unpleasant feeling. He bit the sides of his tongue to keep from temporarily hyperventilating; it was stupid, really stupid, but the question was… so out of the blue. No one had asked about it before, and saying it seemed somehow more real, concrete. What would his mother and father say if they knew? Would he be disowned? Likely. He could just imagine what his father’s reaction would be. The man hated dragonriders, he would probably have fits if he knew that his son was not only one of them, but also seeing a man and –
“Yes.” That one word felt… horribly final. His head actually spun and R’wign shook it to try and clear his thoughts. The second part of Kalierre’s question made him tilt his head to the side. “I don’t think you two talk.” At least, as far as he knew M’ta and Kalierre were not friendly…? “You’ve probably met him though; I’ve been living with him since he was released from the infirmary following the Benden attack.” He shrugged. “Is… it so terribly… shocking?” His voice did hold a hint of weakness, which he internally cursed. R’wign didn’t want or need someone else’s approval… but he was hyper sensitive. He wasn’t sure he could handle disapproval. Not when part of him was very terrified that he was doing something… wrong. People often said just because something came easily didn’t mean it was right – and it made him nervous. Very nervous. Did easy qualify right though? His mind raced dizzyingly fast and R’wign shook his head. “I… it’s not, is it…?”
|
|
Requiem
Weyrleader S'rei WM M?ta Rider A'nd Harper/Handler Dmitri Weyrbrat Miguel
Posts: 2,861
|
Post by Requiem on Dec 13, 2009 13:58:52 GMT -5
Kalierre stared at R'wign for a long moment. Good Faranth, he goes on about this 'he' then looks like he got beat over the head with a tree when she asks who. (The who being male didn't occur to her as a possible problem, given he'd been saying 'he' and 'him' and 'his' for the last several minutes. Kind of obvious no?) But he'd definitely stiffened right up on her, and she had to wonder if this man was like...some sort of prick or murderer or something for R'wign to be so weird about it when she asked who it was. It couldn't be that bad. Admittedly, though, if he said it was C'oar she'd probably drug him and send him to Rae. For an extended stay.
Oh, bother, what if it was Ka'rys? The two were thick, no doubt about that, and it would certainly explain his obvious reluctance here. Sick. Not that she found anything in particular wrong with Ka'rys, but he'd brought R'wign here when the healer was sixteen. A kid. (Though, really, the thought of C'oar disturbed her more, which in itself was rather amusing.)
No, she'd be supportive. Just smile and nod and if he notices her queasiness blame it on the baby. Pregnancies could be so useful sometimes.
The woman was...well, yes, shocked when he admitted to it being his weyrmate. (Her original thought before he went stiff as a board on her.) What was wrong with him? Sure, he carried knives around all the time, got into fights occasionally, what have you, but he was hardly terrible as far as lovers went, from a social point of view. It wasn't an affair, it wasn't a bronzerider, it wasn't someone he knew from childhood or a big idiot. It wasn't someone significantly older than he was - or younger. So what was the big deal?
She just blinked at him, then chuckled, unable to hold it back. The dragonhealer poked him in the ribs. "You looked so stricken I was convinced you were involved with someone ridiculous." Probably better not to say who, to the master of poisons and herbs. Sobering somewhat, she leaned against him. "Somewhat, but mostly just because you're northern...and you've made your preference for females pretty clear since coming here. I've never seen the appeal of a relationship with a woman, myself."
Glancing at him sidelong, she added, "Or are you asking me if it's shocking that it's M'ta? I would've said yes, but...I saw you two together when you had the plague. It wouldn't have occurred to me, no, but I can't say that it's shocking, either."
|
|
|
Post by glamourie on Dec 16, 2009 19:41:41 GMT -5
Laughing. She was laughing. He wanted to strangle her. Strangling pregnant women was not nice.
As it was, R’wign turned toward Kalierre with a look that would have withered a lesser person. It was decidedly unhappy. He saw nothing funny about his predicament and did not appreciate being laughed at. Her explanation had him narrowing his eye further and he fixed her with an unwavering stare. Even as she went more serious, it was hard not to be irritated. Didn’t she understand that he was sensitive about it still? He liked M’ta – maybe even loved him (hence asking) – but he was northern, he’d been raised under the belief that being ‘queer’ was wrong and that touching another man was akin to mental diseases. Maybe he was wrong to even say anything to Kalierre. Maybe he was wrong to say anyone. His head tilted to the side and he sighed. Part of him felt really… stupid. Stupid for trusting anyone, stupid for bringing it up, but most of all, stupid for hoping that another person could explain to him the emotions that he himself didn’t understand. Stupid, stupid. He was so stupid.
His head bowed and R’wign crinkled his nose. “I do prefer women.” Part of him wanted to defend himself – insist he wasn’t unnatural, thanks – but he couldn’t. He was busy recoiling inwardly. “It’s not like – I don’t – he’s the only man I’d willingly allow to touch me.” He did not find men appealing usually. Yes, R’wign would flirt, taunt, play with – but he didn’t find men as a rule attractive. He greatly preferred females. M’ta was just… special. An exception to the rules… that… maybe wasn’t so good a thing after all. He fidgeted. “Why would I be interested in someone ridiculous…? Who did you think I mean…? I mean, I don’t – I’m not that bad. I know you didn’t like Marra but my taste isn’t horrible…” She was probably the only person on Pern who had no right to talk to him about bad taste, either; her weyrmate didn’t even have the balls to beat him up, and he’d fully expected it.
He could’ve pointed out (perhaps unkindly) that Kalierre knew better than most exactly what a relationship with a woman was like. See her weyrmate for example. He decided not to because the statement was petty, even if it was true. There was no sense picking a fight.
Besides, her next comment puzzled him and R’wign turned halfway to look at the dragonhealer curiously.
“When I was sick? I was unconscious through most of that…?” He could remember bits and pieces from when he woke up, but he didn’t think that he and M’ta did anything… suspicious? His mind reeled and he brushed Checkoth’s anxiously; the brown reassured him as much as he could but it wasn’t terribly helpful. “What did we do that would make you think…? We weren’t together then… We’ve only been together a couple months, I mean, since Ellie’s flight. He told me back by my turnday that he was attracted to me though.” Which pretty much said volumes about how well R’wign had reacted: it’d taken him two months to work up the nerve to decide whether or not it was worth it to act on that. “What did – why would you – I don’t recall anything – does everyone know then?” The thought made him instantly skittish and he tensed very visibly. He wasn’t sure that he was ready for all of Pern knowing exactly how he felt about M’ta. He wasn’t ashamed, but she was right, he was northern, even if he disguised it well, and part of him was afraid. Just part.
|
|
Requiem
Weyrleader S'rei WM M?ta Rider A'nd Harper/Handler Dmitri Weyrbrat Miguel
Posts: 2,861
|
Post by Requiem on Dec 17, 2009 0:15:19 GMT -5
Bother. It didn't take a genius to see she'd stepped all over his toes on that one. Kalierre wasn't good at these things. Some people were. She still wasn't sure why he'd come to her. Meira, for one, would have been a better choice as far as emotions and feelings were concerned. Or so she believed, at any rate.
The woman shrugged slightly at his claim. Yes, he preferred women. Yes, he was involved with a man - exclusively, from what she could figure. So then. Did it really matter if the male was or wasn't the exception when he was the only one R'wign was involved with? It wasn't saying that R'wign generally preferred men over women, but he did this man, and that was all anyone was likely to see if they didn't know him, anyway. What was there to be so defensive about? (Other than the homosexual stigma, of course. Though if it bothered him that much she couldn't fathom why he was in such a relationship at all.)
"I only thought it because you looked like you were...revealing something akin to secretly killing your brother in a fit of passion and pinning it on someone else. You looked guilty." She tsked softly. "I didn't think gender was an issue, though now i'm not sure; you kept on using masculine pronouns when you were talking to me. I assumed you meant to, and it didn't seem to bother you then." The woman eyed him curiously. "Which is why I thought the person in particular must be the issue."
Sighing, she attempted to soften her manner, as much as she was able. "I didn't know," she reminded him softly. "Until just now." Though she wasn't sure if that was saying much; she'd been very busy of late - with personal matters as well as work. "If you're together, though, there are a lot of pets that might..." She shrugged, then. "So you might want to be prepared, if others know who you think shouldn't? It's not a novelty, though. There are other couples around Selenitas everyone knows about and accepts."
Okay, so again, she probably wasn't being that helpful. Kalierre was a very point A to point B sort of person. She was trying, though. "It was more him than you? And it wasn't a giveaway...it just makes it less surprising that you two are together now," she repeated, feeling awkward. Kalierre hadn't meant to get in a long discussion about this, but R'wign was too twitchy not to answer. "When I came with Phremath...after Meira had already revived you...I stayed outside the door. Heard some of the conversation. And he was holding you." She shifted uncomfortably. "It's just not that surprising? You did say he propositioned you." Nor did it escape her...that Ellie's flight was a good while after R'wign's turnday.
|
|
|
Post by glamourie on Dec 20, 2009 16:56:27 GMT -5
“Of course it’s an issue,” R’wign said with a tinge of irritation in his voice; was Kalierre… just… being obtuse on purpose? “It’s just – I don’t want it to be. I feel superficial and stupid because it is and I’m usually okay so long as it’s not brought up – it’s just – I keep thinking – my father would disown me if he knew.” Of course, that was assuming that he wasn’t disowned already or assumed dead, and pending the prospect of his father accepting him as a dragonrider (unlikely; the man hated them). He also would probably never see Rawn again, but… that didn’t change his discomfort; R’wign was honestly not happy at the idea of doing something that he just knew his family would disapprove of. His mind weighed out the options – and he didn’t believe in letting fear determine what he did. Just the same, he did feel. It was still very new to him. When they were together, his mind got addled – completely and utterly addled. Any hesitation he felt vanished in a fit of wild glee and R’wign tended to feel like he was a child again – or experiencing his first crush. It was a genuine feeling of happiness, and at first he’d thought it was just him being ridiculous, except that it didn’t go away. The sparkly-shiny feeling of being special stayed. “It doesn’t matter when he’s around because I’m too busy being deliriously happy to care, but when he’s not…”
R’wign let those words trail off, frowning slightly. He felt ridiculous and made no effort to hide his discomfort, still shifting slightly. Part of his problem was that he… well, he didn’t trust his feelings; when he was so happy about something, it was usually a sign not to trust it, and M’ta made him happy. Happier than he’d been in turns. Was it an insult to Marra’s memory, too? Part of him worried that it was, to move on so fast – even if he hadn’t loved her, wasn’t it just wrong? He couldn’t ask Kalierre about that; she wouldn’t understand, he was sure. Probably think he was being silly for caring what a dead woman thought, even. He wasn’t sure that he even disagreed… but he did. She was his friend, and lover if not love, for turns. It just felt awkward. R’wign crinkled his nose and curled himself into a tight ball.
She was right, of course; a lot of people probably knew because salamandyrs were pure evil and the worst thing to ever hatch on Selenitas sands. He detested the little monsters and their babble-box tendencies. Commenting on that to a salamandyr owner was probably not the most tactful thing to do though and despite all appearances, R’wign did have some sense. So he kept his mouth shut… although he was certain that Kalierre knew just how little he liked her little pet. He was tolerant of Lust, but Ellie’s behavior was the clearest indication of his dislike. His little queen tended to mimic his moods; if he liked someone, generally she did too… and vice versa.
“Propositioned is not the right word. That word kind of applies more to what I did than him,” R’wign said softly. He didn’t want the impression that M’ta had randomly attacked him coming across – he didn’t. “He just kind of said that he had feelings for me, and I just kind of blinked at him.” Well no, technically M’ta had kissed him and R’wign in his infinite wisdom had tensed up and looked uncomfortable. But that wasn’t worth bringing up mainly because it was embarrassing. He couldn’t really remember that much from when he was sick – though he did remember curling up with M’ta. At the time he’d just attributed it to anxiety, and he still wasn’t sure that wasn’t the majority of his motivation as well as M’ta’s. Dying was… terrifying. “I don’t remember that much about… that night. Except that Checkoth was really, really angry and upset. That pretty much is the strongest sensation I have when it comes to that… yeah. I can’t remember much of anything beyond my head spinning and me falling down in the infirmary. I don’t even really know how I got into the infirmary room.”
|
|
Requiem
Weyrleader S'rei WM M?ta Rider A'nd Harper/Handler Dmitri Weyrbrat Miguel
Posts: 2,861
|
Post by Requiem on Dec 23, 2009 4:26:23 GMT -5
Watching R'wign, she really didn't know what to say. Why was he talking to a straight northern woman about his issues regarding his involvement with a man? Honestly? Much less a woman who had no family to speak of. (Not that he knew that, considering she'd never been particularly inclined to share such personal details with him. Not because she wouldn't feel comfortable doing so, but because they weren't important. Family hadn't been a part of her life since she was seven.) Maybe someone else was capable of being empathetic while still having no idea what he was going through, but the dragonhealer certainly wasn't one of them. She was pretty sure her blank stare was coming off as suitably mindless. Oh well. What was there to do about it, really?
All she could really offer him was a simple, "I'm sure the unease will fade, if you're happy with him. Right?" Kalierre shifted uneasily. Maybe it wouldn't. Who knew?
At R'wign's description, Kalierre snorted softly. "Well, that must have gone over well. He's northern too, isn't he?" Which was to say that it must have taken quite a bit of nerve to say anything to R'wign at all. Though apparently it had worked out okay; they were together now, weren't they?
As the Weyrhealer stopped speaking, the woman shrugged. She hadn't thought anything of it at the time, either. Seemed quite the normal reaction to having a friend die on you, however it did indicate closeness. One of those things you wouldn't think much about except in retrospect. Kalierre eyed R'wign for a good long while, a puzzled frown flickering over her lips. "Look, I'm sorry, but...clearly you're distressed. That would be obvious to anyone. I just don't get why."
She shifted slightly, her gaze on him clearly questioning. "He's a man. But it doesn't bother you when you're with him. You say he makes you really happy. Yes, there was Marra, but she's gone now and holding onto that doesn't do anyone any good. He told you his feelings first. You're responding to him, then, a living breathing person who would probably be upset if you rejected him. You didn't go out looking for it. I fail to see the problem in all this."
|
|
|
Post by glamourie on Dec 24, 2009 21:29:33 GMT -5
R’wign nodded slowly; it really was the only thing that he could do. Part of him was hoping that deep down, he’d feel more at ease when M’ta wasn’t there; he was definitely not ashamed of him. He didn’t quite know what his problem was, or if it was his own problem at all. Was it possible to address discomfort that he didn’t know how to explain and categorize? Logic dictated that his issues stemmed from how he was raised; it didn’t matter though when M’ta was there, and that applied to in private or in public. Very little made him happier than to sit curled up with his weyrmate and fall asleep in his arms. He’d never let anyone else touch him that way before, either. Cuddling wasn’t one of his things. His head tilted and he rested his head on his knees, relaxing slowly. No sense working himself up too much; he was already bothered more than he liked. He could only hope that Kalierre was right – it would become less strange as he and M’ta got used to one another. Maybe. Hopefully.
“He’s from Bitra,” he answered very softly. He didn’t know much about Bitra, save for what M’ta had told him (which wasn’t much); he knew the basic reputation of the place, but that was it. He’d never been there. Actually, aside from Nerat and Healer Hall, R’wign hadn’t been very many places in the north and he had little desire to change it; perhaps Kali would know more though. Bitra was Benden territory and she’d been stationed there for a long time. He dealt more with Fort, even at Healer Hall. Maybe Bitra had different views? Unlikely, but given what he knew about the place, it wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility. “I think he spent most of his life there, and then came here directly… I don’t know a lot about his past. He seems uncomfortable talking about it and you know I don’t usually pry.”
Part of him was stung by the almost flippant way that Kalierre spoke of Marra; did she know what she was saying? Probably not. R’wign questioned, silently, whether Kalierre could remotely understand the position that he was in. He cared about Marra. Yes, she was dead, but… “She shouldn’t be,” he muttered to himself, intending for the words not to be heard and Kalierre would have to listen closely to catch them. Louder, he said, “I just feel like I’m mistreating her memory. Maybe it’s neurotic, but it’s how I feel. Haven’t you ever had anyone who meant a lot to you, who died? Who loved you, even if you didn’t love them? Didn’t you ever have that? – No, you don’t usually care what others think.” His gaze turned away. “She was my closest friend. It matters to me that I don’t insult her memory, because that’s all of her that I have left.”
She did have a few points though, even if he was questioning whether or not Kalierre even had a heart. They were:
Marra was gone. M’ta was alive. A turn had passed. He hadn’t gone looking for a relationship.
“You’re right, at least… it’s not like I went looking for this intentionally; I mean, I didn’t. He probably would’ve been upset if I rejected him,” R’wign said softly, considering. “I don’t know how to explain how I feel to you though. It’s not something you’d understand, I don’t think. You don’t usually care about other people – and you obviously haven’t been in this position, or you’d understand better. So I’m kind of explaining pointlessly, but… I care, and it does bother me. I don’t know. I was hoping you could give me some kind of insight. I’m not doing so well, though.” He glanced at Kalierre and smiled slightly. “Enough about me. You. How’re you holding up?”
|
|
Requiem
Weyrleader S'rei WM M?ta Rider A'nd Harper/Handler Dmitri Weyrbrat Miguel
Posts: 2,861
|
Post by Requiem on Dec 26, 2009 7:48:17 GMT -5
Bitra. A hardness came into her face simply at the name, though Kalierre said nothing to that simple admission. The boy - M'ta - spoke with no accent whatsoever, but his behavior was enough to scream northern, if not a precise region. R'wign's next words drew out a snort. "I'd imagine. The only ones who actually like Bitra are the men in power, and he was far too young to hold any of that before coming here." There was a definite edge of hostility in her voice. Those candidates and riders from Bitra were - to put it mildly - some of the most problematic at Benden. Bitrans might even have it harder...though that only served to make them the bigger monsters in a Weyr that only rewarded power and cruelty - a language that most Bitrans knew how to speak all too well. No, she had no particular love for them.
The woman's eyes narrowed. Didn't care what other people thought? On the whole, sure, but she did care about the ones closest to her, and she cared about their feelings, too - or why else would she be trying to help R'wign? It actually stung, his words, though she didn't say anything. To her it seemed silly. It did. Betray the memory of someone? Why worry about something as insignificant as someone's memory, when what you should be worrying about is what they'd want for you. She highly doubted this Marra, if she had cared for R'wign at all, would want him to be so hung up on her and miserable that he couldn't even allow himself to be happy.
And there it was again. This time more offensive than the last. Did she really come off as that heartless? (Okay, so maybe her sensitivity needed a bit of work, and maybe she really didn't like other people all that much, but most of them weren't worth liking, after all. People in general were a sordid, selfish lot...or just plain weak.) She waved his question aside. "Why ask the ice queen how she's holding up?" There was enough bite in the words that her hurt had to be clear, though Kalierre couldn't bring herself to care that it was so obvious right now. "I'd be surprised if I could feel it anyway."
Her jaw clenched, and she looked away, her eyes turning back to him of a sudden with a spark of anger in them. "You want to know what I think, really? I think you're being ridiculous. If Marra would actually want you to be this upset, sabotaging your life through some misguided sense of guilt because you couldn't save her and you couldn't love her, then a pox on her. If she did care about you she wouldn't want that, and don't you think going against what she would want for you is more criminal than betraying her memory? You think I'm selfish, that I don't care about anyone? You're sharding blind. And all you're doing is being selfish, not letting yourself be happy and distressing everyone else who does care about you because you feel guilty that you're happy and she's dead. No amount of guilt, or misery on your part is going to bring her back, and even if it did, you still couldn't love her and that's not your fault anyway. So why don't you pull your head out of your sharding ass and stop wallowing in self-pity?"
Angrily ignoring the moisture gathering in her eyes, she clutched at her legs, feeling faintly nauseous. Her energy and emotion spent in those words, when she spoke again, it was with decided weariness. Flat. "Hormones are getting to me. Sorry." Not that he'd forgive her. R'wign was ever so good at making himself the victim in any situation. That would just turn into one more example of her heartlessness, the words she'd spoken, and a reason for him not to talk to her again. Maybe that was good, though. She hated being angry at him. She hated that he could hurt her...that she did care enough that it hurt. Maybe he wasn't wrong, either. It was easier and less painful...not to care.
|
|
|
Post by glamourie on Dec 26, 2009 11:58:24 GMT -5
Blink. Blink. Evidently, he’d offended her. R’wign cocked his head to the side, immediately defensive; his instinctive response was to recoil away and escape, not speak to the Dragonhealer at all. She was clearly upset, though, and just snubbing his nose at her would’ve been petty, even if it was more comfortable. Against his better judgment, he let the irritation show on his face before turning away from her. It was extremely awkward, being honest with his emotions, but suppressing them would’ve just led to him holding it against her later. Besides, if she was going to blow up at him, he was not about to let her get away scuff-free. He really didn’t like being blown up at. (Not that anyone did, but R’wign held a particular grudge against it because he thought himself very reasonable most of the time. Most of the time.)
“I can’t imagine why someone with one eye would be blind, ha ha,” he said with enough dryness to his voice to make it clear the ‘joke’ was definitely facetious. Turning back to her, R’wign crinkled his nose. “Yeah? Hormones? You did that to Dorava, once. You really don’t like it when people call you out on your actions. Here’s a clue, Kalierre: if you don’t want to be treated like an ice queen, don’t act like one. You spend so much time implying that people shouldn’t think or care what others feel, and you yourself write people off so easily, or you snap at them so quickly that it feels like you have – why do you act surprised that anyone thinks you’re cold? You know who you remind me of? Ka’rys. Only instead of typically ignoring people, you bark at them and stalk off. It’s the same sort of behavior. You’re very point A to point B, and frankly, whether you like it or not, that is cold. You approach emotions with logic, when most of them aren’t founded in it, and you don’t usually stop to put yourself in the position of the people speaking to you. You just use reason. That’s why people think you’re cold and it’s why Dorava said you’re not much better than northerners.”
That was probably not the most eloquent explanation there ever was, but R’wign hoped (however fleetingly) that some of it made sense.
“When I first met you, you weren’t like this. You weren’t hostile and snappy at everyone. You were nice, a lot nicer. I felt like you were okay with me – like you were someone who I could trust. You changed. I’d blame the Siege, but it was before that. It was right around the time you met K’von, actually, though I don’t think this has much to do with him. You’ll say something like ‘This is me without the gloves’ and make me want to strangle you, though. That’s your default response anytime someone calls you out. But you did change and in more than being blunt, it’s more than being outspoken; you stopped caring about people’s feelings in favor of being ‘efficient’; you stopped trying to deal with people properly. You just stopped trying, and I don’t think it’s because you’ve always been icy inside, I think it’s because you’ve been unhappy for a long time, and it’s easier to vent that at us than deal with yourself. And you know what else? I’m tired of it. You act all victimized when someone points out how you act – take your own advice then and stop acting that way. People think you’re cold because you want them to, because you go out of your way to act that way.”
One hand came up to scratch at his collar, almost anxiously. Part of him was sure it was a mistake to just… unload. The other part of him didn’t care though. He was flustered and extremely annoyed, and… frankly he was tired of walking on eggshells. He also sort of felt that she had it coming. Kali had no problem reaming other people and telling them exactly what she thought of them, so maybe she really did deserve to hear it – though, it probably mattered less coming from him than others. Probably. Didn’t stop him though. “That being said, I didn’t mean you don’t care about anyone, I meant you tend to disregard people more easily than me. The second they’re dead, that’s it, right? They’re gone, so no sense caring anymore. That’s what you keep saying – that makes you colder than me, because to me, they’re not totally gone yet. I don’t recall calling you selfish, at least not out loud, though you are. This isn’t the instance I’d use as a reference for it though.”
|
|
Requiem
Weyrleader S'rei WM M?ta Rider A'nd Harper/Handler Dmitri Weyrbrat Miguel
Posts: 2,861
|
Post by Requiem on Dec 26, 2009 16:22:32 GMT -5
Kalierre flinched back, her face shuttering. Strangely, though, the tears that threatened seemed to have been averted. Hormones was definitely right. Crying really wasn't her thing. Then or now, no matter what R'wign thought he knew. She got angry instead of expressing her emotions in other ways, she knew, but how was she supposed to change that, really? When she was nice she'd just ignored it. The vast majority of the time. And maybe it was the massacre, maybe it was Lust, or maybe she'd just gotten fed up with letting it build like a cancer and - being the solitary person she was - unwilling to let it escape any other way. People didn't tend to ask you what was wrong when you bit their head off. They didn't tend to ask you much of anything.
But she didn't want to talk about herself. There was little of interest there, anyway. Who cared about her motivations for healing, the shock of Benden Weyr, any of it really? Who cared that, against all reason, Benden had been her home. She wasn't like most of the people here who fled it, loathed it...she came because S'rei had seen fit to bring her. Benden was harsh, yes, and she'd felt herself dying, little by little, inside, but it was a place that needed her. The truth of the matter? Under most any other circumstances she wouldn't have left. And yes, it scathed that all that she'd done for everyone there didn't matter anymore because she was here, because the best thing that had ever come along, her Phremath...that her beautiful green's existence was offensive to them. It made no sense, and she hated emotions that made no sense, particularly when she couldn't shake them.
Strangely, though, the fact that it was completely impersonal...that she was just a number, someone who would be more convenient to them dead. Should have known that Benden wouldn't care about the trivialties of devoting turns of your life to keeping them alive. To telling yourself that as long as you did your part, the rest was their decision (even knowing deep down that it wasn't) and watching them fly right back into that senseless war. Her pain and sweat didn't matter. They still wanted to destroy Phremath, to destroy her, as a number. Just one more Selenitas greenpair.
That's where feeling got you.
"Caring doesn't get you anywhere," she murmured. Kalierre didn't look at him. "At best it gets ignored. Most likely it'll be taken advantage of. You're right; I'm tired. I'm tired of giving everything I have, and it not mattering. Maybe it's selfish to expect other people to care in return. Maybe it's selfish to expect anything in return for doing my job. I get paid, right? I should be content with that, I suppose, instead of expecting people who have been under my knife to...remember that. Instead they try to take her from me." Oh sharding hell. There went the tears, and wasn't she going to not say anything? Emotions were useless.
Dashing them away, she steeled her face. Kalierre hated being pregnant, too. There wasn't even the added benefit of being positive that if she just put up with it, she'd have the child she wanted. Benden had taken that too. Maybe. She calmed some, forced it on herself.
Glancing over at R'wign, she smiled wryly. "A neat sidestep, too. Easier to concentrate on all my failings than actually listen to the words, is it? I never said you shouldn't care about her, R'wign. What I said, if you'd been listening, was that if you're determined to care, you should be more worried about what she would want for you, rather than being a slave to her memory. I'm a healer, despite everything else. The dead have always meant a lot to me...sometimes more than the living." She pushed herself awkwardly to her feet.
"All I can say is that I hope M'ta has a lot of patience, if you're normally this insecure. If I were him right now, I'd be wondering just how much I was an inconvenience to you - and how much you actually wanted to be with me. I suppose that's why you didn't talk to him about this though, isn't it?" She glanced to the infirmary, to her sanctuary, but for once she didn't want to flee there. Maybe she'd just go home. Waddle herself up those steps. "For the record, that's not a jibe. Even people who are better at being nice, people who are still willing to try, can have their feelings hurt. The best part is they might not even let you know. Now isn't that a trip?"
|
|
|
Post by glamourie on Dec 27, 2009 14:22:45 GMT -5
R’wign twitched violently, very obviously angry. His expression spoke volumes about his mood. He didn’t speak immediately, though. Instead, he recoiled away, putting enough distance between them that the only way that they could be touching was if she deliberately came closer to him – something R’wign strongly suspected that Kalierre wouldn’t bother with. She seemed so upset and he hadn’t even meant the first comment to offend her, though her additional explanations were offending him. His natural response was to just stand up and walk out without any other explanation – any hint as to why he was so annoyed. Walk out and avoid her for awhile. It seemed like the best response he could think of, but R’wign knew very well that was just his hatred of conflict coming out; he didn’t like fighting at all. And nothing he could think of would come past his mind –all of the things he wanted to say died before ever reaching his lips. How awkward he must have looked, sitting there so quietly, his gaze never quite leaving Kalierre’s face. He didn’t know what to … say… though.
He thought she was wrong. Dead wrong. And he likely would’ve said just that, if she hadn’t tacked on the bit about M’ta. As it was, it took all of his effort not to slink away like a kicked animal. The tears didn’t help. She could say it wasn’t a jibe all that she wanted, but it was. He was tempted to lash out, but… truthfully, R’wign couldn’t. He was busy being upset. It was strange; he felt like his emotions were running rampant, unchecked, and despite that, he couldn’t give them voice. It was like someone severed his ability to speak. He’d always been on the secretive side, but never incapable of speaking. As it was, he was wishing he’d never spoken up. All that happened was it being reinforced to him that talking about his feelings was a mistake – a bad mistake. He was stupid to think anyone would understand and not use it against him in some way. He made a silent promise to himself not to be so stupid again. Stupid, stupid.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly; there wasn’t really any clear indication in his voice what he was sorry about, and R’wign had no intentions of clarifying.
He was mad though. Her words implied a lot – whether or not she cared enough to read into it wasn’t his problem though. It was pretty clear from those words that she considered the opinion of Benden more important than all the people at Selenitas who were grateful to her and did remember everything that she did for them. They weren’t worth caring about, because Benden hadn’t remembered. Obviously. R’wign was offended, yes, but he didn’t have the patience to argue with her about it – Kalierre would never acknowledge what she said or felt as wrong, she was incapable of that, and R’wign was incapable of long, drawn out arguments. Besides… he wasn’t sure he cared enough anymore. He didn’t want to care. In that moment, he really didn’t.
“You’re right. Caring gets you absolutely no where.” He pushed his hands up from the ground, to push himself into a standing position. “I’m sorry to have taken up your time. I should get back to work, and you should likely go rest. Sleeping out here on the weyrledge isn’t good for you.” There was definitely an edge of cold formality to his voice; he couldn’t keep it out of his voice. He was upset, and whether she meant that last bit as a jibe or not, he’d definitely taken it badly; he wanted to just avoid M’ta entirely, because part of him felt like he was just going to end up hurting him by being… being who he was. Being stupid. It was so tempting to just… run away. Run away from the scary feelings; run away from the confusion; run away from all of it. Part of him also wondered if he was just using him or something – seeking someone to love him. R’wign twitched his nose and dusted himself off, before adding softly, “Would you like help cleaning up this food…?”
|
|
Requiem
Weyrleader S'rei WM M?ta Rider A'nd Harper/Handler Dmitri Weyrbrat Miguel
Posts: 2,861
|
Post by Requiem on Dec 28, 2009 7:37:45 GMT -5
Closing down. She wished she could bring herself to care enough to try to...rectify it. She did. But Kalierre was on the verge of actually crying, not just leaking a little moisture, and she strongly suspected any attempts at changing things was going to backfire. Was it worth it, really? For most people it wasn't. Most people wouldn't have gotten her angry to begin with, though, pregnant or not, by saying what he had. Kalierre eyed him for a long time, noting the formality, and knowing it for the dismissal that it was. She wasn't stupid; her attempt to put her feelings aside and make one more attempt at trying to help - help he'd asked her for - had clearly gone awry.
Nothing she could do would be right, would it?
"I..." She shook her head. Hadn't been thinking about cleaning up, honestly, merely escaping. "I don't know," she finished, finally. It would have been better if he was still growling at her. Kalierre could handle that. "I'm sorry, too," she offered quietly. The dragonhealer struggled to regain her feet, between the pregnancy, the hip and legs that had gone numb after hours in awkward positions. She very nearly toppled, saving herself with her cane. Looking down at R'wign, she bit her lip, worried it slightly.
"Look...I know I'm not saying the right things, or doing anything right. My answer to all my problems has always been to work harder, to make sure it can't happen again. Or to ignore it. You don't want my advice. There are people far better at this sort of thing than me. I can't even express myself well. The only emotion I seem to be capable of most of the time is anger. I hate people seeing me upset, weak. Even more now than before. And I know Benden shouldn't matter anymore, but that's why I hate emotions, you see. They don't make sense half the time. Everyone...everything I care about is here."
She was trying. She really was. R'wign was...her closest friend, apart from K'von, and there were some things that he could understand better than her weyrmate. Kalierre didn't want him this distressed, even though his obvious poor opinion of her still stung terribly. "What do I know about this sort of thing? I'm twenty-seven, and K'von is my first real relationship. Everyone before that...just stepping stones. Shields to keep the monsters away in Benden. I used them and tossed them aside when I didn't need them anymore. Has anyone loved me who I haven't loved? Probably not. My mom died when I was little, of a sickness, and that's when I decided to become a healer, but...I did love her and it's not the same. Nor have I ever been attracted to a woman or anyone that people would think was just wrong due to a ridiculous stereotype. For Faranth's sake, I didn't even understand why K'von was so upset about my sleeping with you for the longest time, R'wign. Does that sound like someone you should be asking advice from? All I know is that if you're happy...and your partner's happy...shouldn't that be all that matters? Won't the rest of the details fall into place from there? Why complicate it? You'll have enough problems come up, I'm sure, without adding any that don't need to be there. It is as simple as being happy, and shardit, I refuse to believe that we shouldn't. This world and this timeperiod is dismal enough to punish us for every conceivable fault without punishing ourselves. If you're happy, R'wign, stop questioning it. Because people aren't blind, especially the ones who love you. He'll see it, R'wign. Maybe not right away. K'von saw it with me...and it tore him apart. I'd hate seeing that happen to you when you can prevent it."
So much. A flood of words that he likely wouldn't listen to, though they came with an unusual earnestness. "I'm sorry. It's me wasting your time, not the other way around." Leaving the blanket with him, she crouched awkwardly, trying to gather up all the food so that it could be easily carried.
|
|
|
Post by glamourie on Dec 30, 2009 4:51:52 GMT -5
The question was really more for the sake of formality than anything else, for only a moment after it passed his lips, R’wign was moving to cover the plates properly. Most of it was untouched; he didn’t eat that much in one sitting (unless he’d gone too long without eating; he usually was a few-bites-then-away sort of individual) and the spread was more than a little impressive to him. As it was though, most of it went uneaten – maybe it could be salvaged, but unlikely. The weather was enough to kiss any chance of preservation goodbye. It was surprisingly easy to focus on that, rather than have to face Kalierre – the food made for a decent distraction as he forced all of his feelings back under lock and key where they belonged, where they were safe. He’d never be good with his own feelings (but was surprisingly in tune with other people’s). He wasn’t sure it was worth trying to remedy, either. As far as R’wign was concerned, trying to be open about his feelings never ended well. See current conversation for emphasis to that fact.
Her words – the apology, rather – made R’wign glance up in genuine interest… and a touch of disbelief; he felt somewhat mocked. Kali didn’t apologize. Wasn’t in her nature. So the apology was instantly questioned – R’wign wondered whether it was even genuine. That felt cruel, to be so suspicious, but it just was not like her to apologize for anything. At least not that he could recall. He managed, barely, to keep the suspicion from his gaze, but that was it. There was definitely questioning. He had enough tact to remain quiet as she spoke, organizing the plates into a neat pile to carry them inside more easily. Busy work. Things to do that required movement. R’wign could deal with that. Nice distractions kept him from focusing on the bad feelings inside. Good, good.
His mind immediately generated responses to her words, none of which quite reached his lips. Among them were thoughts like My point exactly – which probably wouldn’t go over well. Kalierre didn’t empathize well with other people, she just didn’t… it would’ve been pointless to explain all of that, though, and his ability to do so had shut off completely, anyway. M’ta was the only person who could wrangle answers out of him once that button inside got hit. Explaining it seemed cruel, but…. Kalierre wasn’t likely to get any kind of emotional response; he was too upset.
“It’s highly unlikely, then, that you know who all loved you and who didn’t,” R’wign offered softly; perhaps it was a strange response, but it was one that he felt would be most honest, without being accusing. “I didn’t ask you for advice because I thought that you were an expert on feelings. I know better. I asked you for advice, because you’re the only person that I trust enough to tell my feelings to, whether you’re qualified or not. I’m willing to acknowledge that as a mistake.” His gaze turned toward her for a brief moment before he rubbed the end of his nose and gathered another plate. Neat little pile. Organization. That, he could do. “Is this where I apologize? I feel like I should be apologizing to you if I caused you and K’von to fight. Strangely, I’m not sorry.” He wasn’t, either. He didn’t exactly like Kalierre’s weyrmate (her present state a good example of why – even if she wanted to pretend she was fine with it, he didn’t believe that Kalierre would consider a baby, knowing the risks, without external pressure).
Offering a hand to her (so that she could pass the plates as needed), R’wign shook his head. “Bringing up something that someone is hypersensitive to, amidst a disagreement, and then claiming it’s not a jibe, is a directly conflicting statement, Kalierre. But you’re right. I am insecure; my whole life I was taught that men liked women, women liked men, anything else was abnormal. I don’t buy into systematic beliefs easily, I never have, and I never held it against other people… but it’s entirely a different situation being the person who is attracted to someone of my same sex. Am I happy? Yes. I am. Usually. It terrifies me that I have no control over my emotions with him. It terrifies me that someone cares that much. Most of all, it terrifies me that I didn’t even see it coming. Everything else comes to that point. Maybe you understand – maybe you can’t – it doesn’t really matter. But yes, I am insecure, because I’m not used to not having total control over my feelings. I like being able to swallow everything. What I don’t like is having it pointed out to me when I’m unsure of myself. You don’t like it either. I try to avoid doing it to you very often. But you’re right – I brought this up to you and not him because I didn’t want him to feel bad. Because he isn’t the problem at all.” The problem was just that he was damaged, apparently. Couldn’t communicate with anyone properly.
|
|
Requiem
Weyrleader S'rei WM M?ta Rider A'nd Harper/Handler Dmitri Weyrbrat Miguel
Posts: 2,861
|
Post by Requiem on Jan 2, 2010 6:32:53 GMT -5
"No," she stated, though his question was likely rhetorical. She didn't elaborate. Kalierre hadn't said it for an apology or to guilt. The woman was illustrating her point. Point: she wasn't an expert on emotions or relationships. Illustration: the concept of cheating was so far beyond her she hadn't even understood K'von's upset. Who it was with was superfluous. R'wign liked to read more into what she was saying than what she was actually saying. Kalierre made it very clear when she was accusing people. All her other faults aside, she was extremely frank. You always knew where you stood with her, and just what she was thinking...if you asked for her opinion or if she offered it. Silence she was capable of, but that was about the extent of her tact normally.
Handing over the plates that he seemed to be asking for, Kalierre let him do it, and at least gave him the courtesy of hearing him out. Though really she just wanted to bolt. Whenever he came to her with something, she never seemed to get it right. Part of Kalierre knew that she'd changed. Once, this would have been simple. Once, she'd known how to listen and say the right thing. Was that her a lie? No. It was a less...open...version of her, but people can't fake empathy. Kalierre wasn't sure where all of hers had gone. Easy to say that she simply didn't use it much anymore, that it was still there, but then there were times that she tried and it blew right back up in her face. Like now. He spoke of things beyond his control, of not seeing them coming? Kalierre couldn't seem to find the person she'd been, and it scared her just a little. Where had it gone? When had it gone?
It wasn't that she couldn't understand. Part of her could. But the feelings were more like something under a looking glass to her now, something seen and studied but not truly hers. Perhaps, to help with others' feelings, you had to feel. But the dragonhealer was a coward; she didn't want to feel. Couldn't it just be enough for her to fix people? Put them back together, employing the craft that was her art, her life? And sometimes her curse? Did she have to be a fixer of emotions, too? How many ways could she stretch before she broke?
"I was trying to help," she murmured, meekly. "Poorly, but I was. R'wign...I don't want to hurt you. That is never my intention." Kalierre backed up, then, curling her hands around the cane reflexively. "You want to see what happens, when you can put all your emotions in a box and swallow them until they're not there? Until they're not acknowledged and don't bother you much at all anymore. I'm what happens. Maybe it's okay to be...a bit out of control. I don't know. I'm...tired. Sorry for the mess." Which mess, she wasn't even sure she knew.
The dragonhealer turned, headed into the infirmary, though she didn't pause by her office. Just continued on until she hit the door to the interior of the mountain. Home. She wanted to be home, where she could curl up in her pain and her musings and let her weyrmate hold her. Just...hold her.
|
|