I could get used to your company (A'emi)

[Ember]

It...smelled good, at least?

T'san sniffed the hot air near the oven curiously, wondering how his creation would turn out. T'san, frankly, hated cooking. But then, he was doing a lot of things he hated just for the sake of being occupied these days. Anything to keep him from thinking too much, as much for his own sake as for that of his mindmate's. Dsoleth had outright told him he was tired of all the angst in his head a couple of days ago. Fair enough, T'san had done break ups before, lost people before. He used to handle them well...ish. Maybe it was because the reason for the break up was just so stupid he couldn't let it go?

He took a pull of his wine - he may or may not have been in a constant state of drunkeness or tipsiness, depending on the time of day, since about two weeks ago - and made a face at the harsh taste. He smiled disarmingly at the critical look one of the kitchen staff gave him but otherwise ignored her. He really only cared what his friends thought and most of them were supportive enough that any disapproval of his methods melted away. Heck, most of them were willing to drink with him. The very first night after the break up he'd gone 'camping' with L'am and lots of alcohol and hadn't returned for a couple days. A'emi had, at some point during his trip, claimed his stuff and the emptier weyr was like a slap in the face when the brownrider got back.

Minus the odd drinking habits he'd formed, T'san was a master at covering how hurt he was to most of the world though. Smiles still came easily and he joked and flirted and lazed around as per usual. The tell-tales were the things he didn't used to do. Which brings us right back around to his cooking project. Except T'san's idea of cooking was throwing together the foods he liked and seeing how they turned out. In this case, some kind of flattened dough the kitchen staff wasn't using, fruit-plant sauce, a ton of cheese, and a wide variety of sliced meats. In short, T'san had invented the Pernese pizza.

He pulled his creation out of the oven and marvelled at how yummy it smelled. Appearance-wise...well, it wasn't that impressive really. A thought came to him, fast and largely unconsciously. He spoke it aloud in boyish glee - a little off from the image of a man slightly over thirty - as he practically drooled over the pizza. "Man, I wish A'emi was here to see this." Castiel tilted his head at the words from His and without a sound he dropped from his perch to go between. He had someone to find. Svelte hissed from her perch nearby as well, commenting, Duuuuun't. At which point T'san realized what he'd said and sighed. He did and didn't.

Svelte skittered forward to bite the crust of the pizza and nibble off a piece. "Ah! No, you can't have that!" T'san shouted in alarm. His pizza! Can, did. Bye! Chunk of crust in mouth she ran off to present her gift to one of the many salamandyrs she was fond of. The brownrider snorted and placed his pizza on a large serving tray to take out into the dining hall. Despite his posessiveness over his amazing food creation - which may or may not actually be amazing - he knew he couldn't eat it all. It was a little early for dinner, as well, so maybe some prematurely hungry people would appreciate something to eat.

T'san sat down and cut the pizza into slices like a pie and proceeded to pull one towards him. So much cheese! He was about to stuff the still slightly connected slice in his mouth when Castiel popped in right beside him and he jumped. "Ugh, when did you disappear?" He let go of the slice with one hand to give the firelizard an affectionate scritch only to have the whole mess of stuff on top of the crust slide off and fall onto his crotch. "Aieee!" He shouted, trying to stand and wipe it off quickly only to get his foot caught on the chair and to fall over backwards with it. Ow.

Which is, of course, when his ex entered.

[Avu]

He’d just gotten back to Selenitas a few hours ago, and, as it happened, being single wasn’t any easier at Inverness than it was at Selenitas.

If anything, it was worse.

Give it time and stop moping, you sound stupid, Kyrahth had advised, which A’emi had taken as You should go crash with K’thay for a while, and he’d done precisely that; maybe getting over it would be better with distance; maybe getting over it required just finding some no-strings guy to screw around with. And he’d been okay, at first. K’thay was a welcome distraction, knew when to ask questions and when to let him convalesce in silence, and then the novelty of it wore off and he just missed T’san like sin, even when he’d gone out and found some guy to sleep with.

Afterward, the guilt had gutted him worse than Kyrahth’s critical watchfulness and Titania’s silence.

He’d left Inverness the day after that, promised to visit K’thay again and told him to get off his ass and seduce the hell out of the greenrider he’d mentioned.

Your plan sucked, he told Kyrahth dryly, avoiding the glances of the Drudges as he skirted the edge of the dining hall; he wasn’t remotely hungry—hadn’t been since—well, since T’san, honestly, except in the moments when it was most inconvenient—but he wasn’t stupid enough to believe that being heartsick made him suddenly immortal and capable of extended survival without food, so yeah, A’emi still made a point of eating. And if he skipped a meal or two once in a while, well, it wasn’t on purpose.

My ‘plan’? Kyrahth echoed. I never said anything about leaving, genius. I told you to shut up about—

“Castiel,” A’emi blurted, stopping dead at the appearance of the firelizard; he blinked awkwardly, something clenching painfully tight in his chest. “What are you—”

He blinked again at the flash of images in his mind, and his brow furrowed uncertainly.

“Um,” he said, cautiously. “Okay? I’m—okay, I’m coming. Do you want to—” A’emi had gotten exactly halfway through lifting his arm to offer Castiel a place to land when the firelizard promptly blinked between again, leaving him bewildered and something like hope burrowing in the pit of his stomach. He dawdled uncertainly for a moment, gaze flicking up to the entrance of the kitchen proper warily. Eventually, he sighed—asking Kyrahth would be no use, since the green was nothing if not insistently a snot regarding T’san by this point—and slipped between the chairs.

Spotting T’san wasn’t exactly a problem, since A’emi was effectively greeted with his ex-weyrmate’s completely unmanly scream and the bizarre sight of him flailing gracelessly to the ground with a vaguely slice-shaped piece of something on his crotch. He couldn’t quite help the stutter of his heartbeat, the half-laugh that escaped without permission, and stepping across the kitchen to the complete failure that was T’san seemed like an inevitable procession.

Of course, once he got there it seemed like less of a good idea—A’emi had no idea how to handle break-ups gracefully. He and R’qen—well, that had been a long time ago. And M’kai had never been like this, and T’san was just special in every way that mattered, had been for five years, and he hated the half-panic that rose in his throat when he knelt down next to T’san, hated the swell of uncertainty at his reception. But he just—even if he couldn’t go back to what they’d had before, he wanted the next best thing.

“That was graceful,” he offered, quirking a smile that was half-shy and half-teasing. “What’s that, then, the newest fashion statement or the newest and most inventive way to eat your food?”

[/blockquote]

[Ember]

The first thing other than pain and a bright light behind his eyes was Castiel perched on his chest hesitantly, a palpable wave of guilt because he was smart enough to understand the sequence of events leading to His' pain had started with him. T'san was all set to absolve the brown once he got his wind back - the chair fall had thoroughly knocked it out of him - except the next thing he registered was A'emi kneeling next to him with an expression T'san was determined not to read, gaze slipping past it over and over again.

He couldn't breathe.

Which is when Dsoleth filled his mind, wrapping around in that huffy protectiveness T'san had known for the past sixteen turns. My rider, the idiot. Can't even breathe without me, can you? The brownrider took in a stuttering breath and put on a smile like a mask, made easier and genuine-seeming because there was some amusement in the situation, the tightness in his chest that made it hard to breathe aside.

So, A'emi was back. So what? They had their period apart, the time they were to use to get over it, right? It was good, it was all good (except it so, so wasn't). T'san moved to sit up before pausing. Castiel was...no longer on his chest, nevermind. He pushed himself upright and huffed a chuckle. "Graceful, that's me," the brownrider said. If his voice wasn't a hundred percent normal then he was determined to ignore it. "And it's apparently both, now. You should try it..." It clicked, then, what had really happened.

He pulled himself to his feet with a grunt and glanced around for Castiel. The brown had retreated to a different perch though and T'san found himself glancing up to see the brown peering down at him. Too literal, Castiel, too literal. You wished for it. They have a saying for that, you know... Shut up. The matter at hand, though, was A'emi and not Castiel. "Seriously, I know it looks kinda weird but it should be good. All the best stuff in it."

Maybe he was trying to return to something normal too because the fierce ache of missing A'emi was slowly killing him, no matter how much he pretended otherwise. He'd considered moving on, sleeping with some pretty girl - lord knows enough had approached him since the rumour mill caught on to the fact that he and A'emi had split - but he couldn't bring himself to form the words for an invitation to anything. The very thought still made him feel a little sick. So, yes, he'd rather have it so A'emi and him could interact than practice self-preservation and push him away.

[Avu]

He wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, but the smile he got just—well, it wasn’t like it was blatant or anything, but after five years of—of being in love with the guy and a couple more of friendship, it was still patently fake. A’emi settled back on his heels, his cautious smile faltering uncertainly, but T’san didn’t explicitly tell him to screw off, so—well, he’d take what he could get, at this point. Even tolerance would be better than nothing. And yeah, he was definitely aware of how pathetic that sounded, but whatever; Kyrahth could tell him in detail how dumb he was being later, he was sure.

“You’ll forgive me if I’m not inclined to be your taste-tester,” he commented wryly, resisting the instinct to go ahead and peel the slice off of T’san; he was pretty sure he’d rescinded his rights to do that about the time he’d walked out of the weyr. That lovely reminder had A’emi’s gaze flicking away from T’san towards Castiel, still bewildered—why did the brown want him to come anyway; the message had been pretty straightforward but now he had no idea what he was there for, if not to feel like he was being punched in the stomach all over again, because this whole awkward thing?

Fucking hurt.

He swallowed, and straightened, maybe a little too abruptly. There were Drudges looking at them; their break-up hadn’t exactly been secret, after all, and this little display of courtesy could be for their benefit for all A’emi knew. Still, he offered a hand to T’san to pull him up, tilting his head to look down at the other man curiously. Had been a while since he’d really seen him. Or had allowed himself to look.

Whichever.

It was essentially the same thing.

A’emi was nothing if not good at avoiding problems.

Which was presumably why he said, “Had you actually gotten a bite of it yet, or were you waiting for the perfect moment to show off your fashion statement first?” instead of anything that would actually mean anything. “You’re getting weird looks,” he added lightly, inclining his head towards the blatant stare of one girl, “Take it as a compliment, I guess. Edible outerwear’s a first, I think most people leave it to the underwear.”

Why are you even talking? Kyrahth asked; her ‘voice’ was half-disgruntlement and half-exasperation. It’s like you /like/ moping uselessly all the time. Do you?

[/blockquote]

[Ember]

"Pfft, you are not my taste-tester," T'san said, a surprising amount of vehemence in his voice. "My creation, my taste-testing! It's not as if a new food comes along every day, you know?" It turned out the brownrider was quite willing to remove at least one temptation from A'emi. With a grimace he peeled the mess off his lap and deposited it on the side of the tray he'd brought the rest of the pizza on. No way was he eating that part now - he cared enough about his own health to avoid shoving something that had been on his not-entirely-clean pants, thanks.

T'san caught A'emi glancing at Castiel and couldn't help but smirk a little. He knew why Castiel had gone to get A'emi. His smirk slipped, though, as he realised he was clearly failing at maintaining some semblance of normal if A'emi was looking for an escape - why else would he be looking at T'san's little guardian angel? Which was probably why T'san threw caution to the wind and took the greenrider's hand, the contact making his heart stutter comfortably and uncomfortably all at once. If He broke the physical contact almost before he was even fully up, well...There really was no excuse for it.

The brownrider made a sad frown as he was further reminded that he hadn't even gotten a bit of it yet. "I was trying to hide my inner fashionista for a little longer, really, but he ended up coming out anyway. I just wasn't ready to come out that way," T'san said mock sorrowfully. A'emi pointing out the girl staring at him had T'san looking in her direction. Well, she was entirely too young for even passing interest - geez, he felt old sometimes - but he smiled charmingly and winked at her anyway, as if sharing some private joke with her.

"Weird is a matter of perspective," T'san added towards A'emi when he broke eye contact with the girl. "She must have looked at my crotch for at least some of her staring." His voice was loud enough to carry to her and absolutely gleeful at the prospect. The bright shade of pink she turned confirmed T'san's half-guess and he chuckled softly. He even shook his head a little ruefully. "The attention to my new, edible outerwear is flattering but if I'm gonna properly test this new product I have to make sure it tastes good."

He contemplated the table and the food and A'emi before deciding that extending an invitation to a meal is what friends did and he was trying to pretend they were at least that. "Sit. You're now my second taste-tester. Shut up, no complaints." T'san then proceeded to right his own chair and prepare to sit in it. A'emi seemed to be hesitating...or thinking, maybe, and T'san snorted. "Do I need to treat you like a lady and pull out your chair for you, Amy?"

[Avu]

Don’t be stupid, of course I don’t enjoy—

Or maybe he did, because there was nothing remotely unexpected about the briefness of the contact as T’san caught his hand and A’emi pulled him up, but having it snatched away so fast…well, that was pretty clear, even if the vehemence of his previous statement had sounded genuine. Why he was overanalyzing everything obsessively, A’emi wasn’t quite willing to dwell on, either. Instead, he quirked a dry grin at T’san, genuinely amused by his playful imitation of sorrow at his total failure. Go figure T’san could play off dropping hot food on his own crotch and tipping himself off his chair.

That passed in the next second though.

And, okay, this was the thing: It wasn’t like A’emi was jealous; he’d never been bothered by T’san flirting, but—well, that had been before, and now that there was no reason T’san couldn’t be interested in other people and follow up on that, it was different. He caught his bottom lip between his teeth to silence the soft noise of disapproval, his smile going blank and fake as he glanced at the girl again, too, and then dropped his gaze entirely, unable to meet T’san’s eyes when he turned back.

“Guess so,” he agreed, neutrally, because it wasn’t his business anymore, so why was he—A’emi looked up, startled, by the offer. Or order. Or whatever it was. Something new. He stood there blankly for a second, blinking at T’san like he’d just spontaneously sprouted a second head, trying not to gape like a fish as he tried to work out if there was maybe a nice way to say I don’t think that’s a good idea, I actually like being able to delude myself into thinking that ‘let’s be friends’ is a possibility.

That’s pathetic, was Kyrahth’s snipe of the day, I don’t understand how it’s possible for you to be so thoroughly convinced that you miss him when you’re /with him right now/, that’s literally impossible.

It was T’san’s comment, though, that snapped A’emi out of his silence, his expression cracking on a helpless grin; he tipped his head to one side in mock thoughtfulness, pursing his lips for a moment before he sighed dramatically, “Well I don’t know, I’m not trying to be demanding or anything, but it’d be awful sweet of you to, if you really wanted to, y’know?”

Still, he pulled himself up a chair anyway, trying not to glance over at the girl again because he was pretty sure that if he did his expression would be nothing short of completely vindictive (it wasn’t her business to know that he was anything less than completely assured of how this was going to go, even if he was pretty sure his heart was trying to jump out of his ribcage with every beat). Hooking his ankles around the legs of the chair, A’emi hooked one elbow loosely around the back, tilting his head at T’san.

“I think you should go first, I’m pretty sure if you die it means I’m excused from taste-testing duties,” he drawled, and then added quieter, “I didn’t know you cooked.”

[/blockquote]

[Ember]

There was something there, in the way A'emi couldn't look him in the eyes. T'san wasn't sure what the trigger was though so he was forced to let it pass. He gave up the right to asking what was wrong with the man when he'd given the ultimatum. T'san did what he did best - ignored unpleasant business and went on like it didn't matter. He smiled when A'emi shot back that he really wouldn't mind him being the gentleman so the brownrider moved as if he was going to get up, smile brightening just a bit before it faded ruefully and he sat fully again.

The man watched A'emi seat himself and managed, around the totally inappropriate lump of desire lodged in his throat, "So sweet I'll give you cavities, darling." The pet name earned a startled blink from T'san and he coughed a little. Right. It wasn't like flirting, playful or otherwise, had ever been anything but natural between the two of them. He didn't strictly mean to flirt with A'emi at such an awkward point but oh well. If the greenrider could let him slip once T'san knew he could avoid it in the future, now that he was alert to it.

He reached for a slice of pizza with a snort but paused just before he was about to take a huge bite - go big or go home, right? - to answer A'emi's unspoken question. "I don't. Didn't," T'san said, waving one hand dismissively before promptly replacing it on the pizza to avoid a repeat of earleir. He wouldn't be able to handle the so why now? conversation if A'emi brought it up so he tried to get off that topic as quickly a he could. Said big bite was quite useful because when he bit into the pizza and chewed a bit he made a sound of approval that was positively dirty.

"Holy shit, this stuff is awesome. Seriously, A'emi, grab a slice because this is heaven personified. Or foodified, whatever," T'san exclaimed, mouth still half full though he had the grace to hide that behind the rest of his slice. For a moment everything was great again, awesome even, because he had great food and he was so emphatically in love with the man across from him and they were sharing a moment like they used to. So naturally T'san had to make eye contact with A'emi, eyes crinkling at the corners.

What are you doing? Dsoleth hissed into his mind.

The emotions boiled up so quickly that T'san almost choked on his pizza and his breath caught as if he had. This was exactly what he had missed, the ridiculous comfortableness they had always had. And it was suddenly there again but so, so untouchable all the same. T'san couldn't take it. Honestly couldn't for the life of him pretend it was okay so he didn't. Castiel was on his shoulder before he even acknowledged the brown was there and he rose, shaking his head. "This...I...sorry. I can't, not when you're so close but so far. I can't when I still..."

T'san didn't finish, didn't really need to he felt. His hazel eyes met A'emi's blue before the brownrider made to leave the table. To go back to Dsoleth and take a trip to see L'am because if A'emi was at Selenitas then he needed to leave for a couple days. Minimum. He was not okay.

[Avu]

Well he supposed objectively it was nice to know that his stomach was actually capable of doing something very close to acrobatics given the proper motivation, even if A’emi could’ve actually done without knowing it for the moment, because he was pretty sure that ex-lovers were not supposed to make your internal organs flip-flop pleasantly. But the pet names thing had always been a thing and A’emi couldn’t help the silent echo of it rising to his lips, swallowing down the startled sound before it could give him away. His smile was weak, though, particularly with the momentary stutter in T’san’s expression, too.

He blinked at T’san’s dismissal of his comment, brow furrowing in unease, and almost made to say something up until T’san took a huge bite of his pizza and then just—in his defense, A’emi had had plenty of time to get used to associating sounds like that with imminent sex and a lot less to get used to associating any sounds from T’san meaning nothing at all. His mouth went distractingly dry for a second before Kyrahth subtly nudged up against all the wrong memories and A’emi’s stomach flipped in an entirely different and infinitely less pleasant way.

Screw you, he hissed at the green, and she subsided—but not without a flash of vindictive triumph. A’emi swallowed hard, blinked, and focused on T’san in time to let himself get caught up in the other man’s giddy enthusiasm, snickering in amusement at him, relaxing into the familiarity of it. It had always been easy with T’san, even from the very beginning—easy in a totally bizarre way, because it had never been so easy with anybody else before, other than K’thay, who was his very own set of exceptions. It was…gratifying, to see that hadn’t changed, even if A’emi had managed to prove pretty thoroughly that he was an overreacting asshole.

Naturally, he’d thought that about a heartbeat too soon.

A’emi was on his feet the same instant T’san was without quite registering it, the pizza forgotten (his throat had closed up anyway).

Of course.

Of course he couldn’t.

Let him go, softer now, a plea instead of a hiss. Don’t—

The words were out before he could stop them anyway. “Don’t. Please don’t just—don’t. I’m trying.”

Trying to move on, he didn’t say, mostly because honestly, it wasn’t happening. Five years was a hell of a long time for just move on from, and A’emi was pretty sure he was allowed to be a wreck for a little longer. Or something. Trying to deal with it, though, was maybe more accurate, even if his particular brand of dealing with it was essentially pulling the stitches until they broke—testing the pain before it turned into a surprise. Healthy, not particularly, but hey—this kind of masochism was still a little less dangerous to his well-being than hunting felines.

Kyrahth should be damn grateful.

“We can—go somewhere else?”

[/blockquote]

[Ember]

That wasn't fair. It just wasn't.

Self-preservation warred with the simple desire to listen, to hope for something that he'd missed - still missed - so much in the past couple weeks. T'san didn't take A'emi's words well, interpreting them to mean that his ex was already trying to move on. Like the last five years could just be put behind him that quickly. It hurt. A lot. The brown haired man was not one quick to anger. It was pretty much a last resort emotion...which made it all the more potent when it did crop up. He hadn't been blaming A'emi for their break up. He'd skipped the whole anger phase of that dumb grief model up until that moment.

T'san's outward reaction was a frustrated growl as he fought to speak and not to speak at the same time. The result of his internal battle over what to say, if anything was that his eyes narrowed and his voice dropped in both volume and tone. "Trying to what, A'emi? To what?" Which was about when he realized that his quiet words had been all too easy to hear and his gaze flicked around to the people watching them. Right. Weyr. Everyone was born or turned into a freaking gossip of epic proportions. Did no one mind their own business?

"Ugh, fine, yes. We'll go..." To my weyr, our former shared weyr. Shard that. "Just come," T'san said, finally continuing his walk to the exit of the dining hall. Where was neutral and private? Ah. That place would do. He walked down through the weyr hallways, aware that A'emi was following. That or he had a different stalker following his every turn. Theoretically he could just make a break for it and try to lose A'emi in the halls but T'san was angry, not mean. A couple stairs and several hallways later T'san found his way to the stables of the weyr. He was a man born of Ruatha, and a beastcrafter's son at that. Runners used to be his life, way back when.

He approached a mare, one of the public use animals, affectionately. "Hey there, girl. They treating you alright? Look, I brought someone else. You like the attention, don't you?" He glanced at A'emi as he rubbed the horse's nose. He was rather shamelessly using the animal to calm himself down. "So, what? Am I supposed to be able to pretend I'm not sharding dying on the inside every time I see you? Because I'm an idiot and let you walk out that door?"

[Avu]

The shock of T’san’s reaction felt a lot like being gutted on the spot.

For a moment, A’emi stared, feeling stupidly hurt, and then the instinctive, restless anger flashed white-hot in his stomach again. Still, at the stares of the Drudges around them, he clenched his jaw, forcing his gaze level at T’san. “Fine,” he agreed tightly, and waited until after T’san had turned away from him to inhale shakily, licking his lips warily before he padded after T’san, feeling a lot like he was trying to literally hunt down the other man and since when had T’san been too good to walk next to him, anyway? Would he even notice if he stopped following, if he just let him go.

So stop then, Kyrahth snapped.

Go away.

The stables were a…surprise. A’emi had anticipated a weyr—an empty one, probably; neither of theirs was exactly neutral territory anymore, were they—or something, but this was…interesting. It’d been a long time since he’d come down here, anyway; runners had never been his thing. Especially since Kyrahth was nothing if not a jealous bitch about who he sat on, apparently. He lingered in the open door of the stables for a moment, eyes narrowed as his gaze swept over the runners poking their heads out curiously.

“You’re not supposed to do anything,” he snapped back, voice strained. “I just—I thought we could still be friends, okay?” No part of his response gave away the arrhythmic stutter of his heartbeat at T’san’s words, except the quiet hitch in his voice. “I’m not having a great time coping either, okay,” he added, quieter, trying to lower his tone as the runners flicked their ears warily at him, the nearest mare snorting indignantly. “Vanishing from the Weyr for days isn’t exactly a sign of great mental health, or so Kyr’s told me.”

Censored, obviously, since Kyrahth’s actual words had been a good deal more insulting. And worried. And angry. Because obviously Kyrahth was the perfect example of good mental health.

Stepping further into the stables and leaning against one of the stall doors (and totally ignoring the runner that nudged curiously at his back in the process), A’emi blew out his breath irritably. “So yeah, I’m trying to get over it, okay?” It, not you; the difference was clear as glass in his mind. It was something he could give up, maybe, in time; T’san wasn’t. This was adaptation to the barest extent, and he’d always thought he’d been good at rolling with the punches. Yeah, or not.

[/blockquote]

[Ember]

T'san baulked internally at being snapped at. Except...he'd been the one to snap first, so if he was going to dish it he ought to have expected it in return. Especially from A'emi. Wasn't that part of why he loved the man? Loved...why did he always have to fall so hard? It's not like he ever got to actually keep them. They were always someone else's already, or, y'know, kinda dead, or were so close and yet so far away. The runner huffed warmly against his neck and nibbled at his hair idly, trying to demand attention that the man just didn't have the energy to split between her and A'emi. Freaking A'emi and his stupid, gorgeous blue eyes and a way of making him feel like it was all his fault. Shit.

Mention of escaping the weyr brought a dry laugh from him, very little actual amusement in the sound. "Really? Dso was rather glad when I disappeared." The rest of that thought was left unsaid by the subtext was loud enough that he might as well have just gotten it out there. Must have gotten tired of me sharding breaking from the inside. In case you were wondering why. T'san realized he was probably going a little crazy. He really should have just taken off back at the dining hall, gone back to his weyr and to Dsoleth and just head on over to Inverness to escape for a while. Because what they were doing? Completely stupid - and about to be made all the worse because apparently his heart was just begging to be torn apart.

Can you die of a broken heart? The brownrider quoted at his dragon. I can't. You might. If I die then so do you. Then don't die, stupid. Yeah, thanks for that, was T'san last wry response during the very brief interaction. "You just...you don't get it," the brownrider said aloud, sighing tiredly and running a hand through his hair. "I'm not. Trying to get over it. I probably can't, hell, I don't even want to." Shaking his head, T'san left the runner with a gentle pat and started to approach A'emi. It brought a ghost of a smile to his face that the other man didn't back away from him even though that had been T'san's intention.

"I was good, until you moved in and you decided to take a chance on me. And then I was so much better - I don't think you quite understand how much better - and I screwed that up. So A'emi, I can't be just your friend, not when I still love you. You'll be holding your breath for a long time if you expect that to change, so just...forget me. Go back to Kyrahth or K'thay or Els or whoever and get over it, us...me," T'san said softly, raising his hand to rest on A'emi's cheek as he did so. That right there? All of the pieces of T'san's heart on the ground.

The brownrider pressed a kiss to A'emi's forehead before giving the man a firmer pat on the shoulder and making to move for the exit. He had originally intended to take one of the runners out for a ride after but he didn't want to leave the awkward exit for A'emi and he'd probably need Dsoleth more than he would need a good long ride on a runner.

[Avu]

No, apparently he really didn’t get it, because this, what he was trying to do, it was for the best, wasn’t it? Five years had been a good run, but if it came down to this, he wasn’t it for T’san, or they wouldn’t be here, right now, like this. And yeah, so he’d been a selfish son of a bitch and he’d clung on until he couldn’t anymore, but couldn’t T’san just get on with it? It wasn’t like this was forever. It wasn’t like A’emi was sympathetic or outgoing or even remotely nice lately. A’emi jerked his chin up stubbornly, lips thinning defiantly as T’san moved towards him, his arms crossing in instinctive defensiveness.

Stubborn and stupid, not just yielding, but yielding meant letting go in some stupid twisted way and he just wasn’t going to. That was just—not an option, even if T’san was—

The touch on his cheek made him go tense. A’emi’s instinct was to push out or to flinch back, but he just absolutely refused to give way like that, not when T’san was still in love with him and giving up. Disbelief and pleading gave way to anger again, something painful and tight clenching in the pit of his stomach as T’san kissed his forehead and turned to go. Like that was acceptable, like he expected A’emi to stand there and watch him walk away, knowing he was hurting so badly, like A’emi wasn’t perfectly aware that it was his fault.

What kind of asshole did T’san think he was?

“Fuck you,” he bit out tightly, and more or less pitched himself at T’san, although fortunately for all involved, it wasn’t so much of an outright tackle so much as he just latched onto T’san from behind, in a half-push, half-hug, and mulishly dug his heels in. “That’s not something you get to just decide. That’s—I don’t want to forget you, and I’m not going to just fucking give up, you—” Can’t walk away; can’t leave. A’emi bit his lower lip, pressing the ragged inhale against T’san’s shoulder. “I’m not giving up,” he repeated, softer. “I screwed up, fine, I get that, but I’m done pretending I can deal without you, okay?”

His cheeks felt hot, which was weird—first time for two weeks. Kyrahth was mercifully quiet in the back of his mind—A’emi was pretty sure that at this point he was either going to punch something or just break down if he heard another thing from her. Or T’san, actually. He wasn’t sure, at this point, what he was hoping for, because he couldn’t go back to what they’d had for five years just like that; it was inevitable that things would change, and he didn’t want to go back to that, anyway, in the sense that he could erase this. He just wanted T’san, in any form he could get him where he wouldn’t be hurting him.

Not that that seemed like an option any way he turned it, anymore.

[/blockquote]

[Ember]

T'san paused momentarily at the curse from behind him. He was tempted to say something about how he couldn't do that anymore - a rather inappropriate joke, all considered - but his thoughts were derailed by an A'emi hugging him from behind. He couldn't help the whole body shudder then, the pulse of want so strong that his heart stuttered and started faster than before. Soaking in the feel of A'emi against his back - and weren't there just half as many points of contact as he wanted - it took him a moment longer to register the words. What was that saying? Let it free and if it was yours all along it will come back? He had never really understood that saying. If you loved it you held onto it, kept it close so it wouldn't...well anyway, was this what it was referring to?

He wanted to twist around, to see those blue eyes and read in them the same as he heard in those. The whole eyes being the window to the soul thing he got, absolutely. T'san floundered for words, trying to make sense of it but in the end he had to look, he had to. He unlatched A'emi's arms from around him, turning to finally look at the man. Was...? He was. That was definitely a blush on A'emi's cheeks and it brought a twitch of a smile to the corner of T'san's mouth. Blushing was considerably less embarrassing than the silent tears making tracks down T'san's face. Even he wasn't entirely sure if they were happy tears or sad tears or what but they were definitely there.

"You better mean that," T'san warned, his voice low and soft. Never before had a statement better resembled an iceberg, the spoken part just touching on all the meanings T'san meant. A'emi knew him well enough to see what was underneath that. It was T'san's turn to take a chance for them both - not like it was a hard choice to make, really. He was far too attached to the greenrider to pick an option which required living without him when A'emi didn't want to let go either. So yes, he'd give it another try and even if it wouldn't be easy restarting he'd go for it until A'emi decided otherwise. Hazel eyes searched A'emi's for answers to his insecurities and he found enough there to take the rest of the plunge.

The brownrider closed the minimal distance left between their lips - had they been drifting together like two lost comets attracted by each other's gravity? - and pressed at first hesitant kisses there. When he earned no negative reaction something switched over and suddenly T'san had his arms wrapped around A'emi, pulling him in tight. His kisses strayed from A'emi's lips to his jawline and neck, all tattooing mine, mine, mine...please into the other man's skin. Keen for at least a little privacy because he had never been an exhibitionist sort, T'san moved them towards one of the empty stalls, hoping that it wasn't all just a dream or some kind of 'mistake.'

[Avu]

He resisted T’san trying to make him let go for a second, keeping his fingers stubbornly tangled in the other man’s shirt like if he held on long enough he wouldn’t have to face him with all his stupid mistakes and wanderlust laid out in the open, but it was T’san and hell if A’emi could actually fight him for long. Not that it kept him from lifting his chin defiantly to meet T’san’s gaze, irritating blush and all, mouth tight with determination that flickered into surprise at the sight of T’san’s face. Was he—had he made him cry? He’d never—

Oh.

A’emi stared levelly at T’san, uncertain for a moment. Going back was—selfish. Stupidly selfish and fucking insane, and if they couldn’t do it once then why would they be able to do it now? This had to be masochism of the highest order (heart and not body, something unfixable), raw greed and lust and every other sin in the book. And yet—T’san wanted, and he did, too, and if they’d gone five years once, who knew. And he was trying. Had tried, was trying, would try. Whatever it took.

If T’san wanted him, then fine.

He’d take what he could get, imperfections and all, and if it wasn’t forever, then it’d be worth it.

He blinked his eyes shut at the first cautious kiss, opened his mouth and yes. A’emi got ahold of T’san’s shirt again, tighter, yanking him forward; there were still the last flickers of anger and hurt choking in the back of his throat, but the swell of relief was enough to make him giddy as he locked one arm around T’san’s neck with absolutely no intention of letting go again, arching up against him. The first step backwards made him stumble, fingers twisting tight in fabric, and he panted a raw, genuine laugh when the plan clicked.

“If there’s runner shit in there, I’m gonna—fuck—”

His hand slipped on the latch the first try; the metallic grating sound of it startled him on the second as it slid open, A’emi shifting sideways to accommodate the outward swing of the door. He teetered on the brink for a moment, catching another kiss sloppy with adrenaline to the corner of T’san’s mouth, something going calm and content abruptly, easing the tension in his chest, the brush of his lips softer in the linger. “Missed you.” Like a revelation.

And wasn’t it?


//fade?

[/blockquote]