A Matter of Concern (Lilu)

[Requiem]

Venideth, if you'd please inform Yours that she should...what is the phrase?...'get decent' if she is not already, Mine is on his way. Behruth's message sounded a touch distracted, as well it should, given he was currently entertaining a pair of rather energetic human hatchlings. Devon was similarly engaged, which left the remaining member of M'ta's hodgepodge collection of abandoned children and draconid pets to accompany him through the weyrling barracks to the room that Lilu shared with Osnat. Sneak was as silent and placid as ever, though, the rotund brown wound about M'ta's left bicep. His preferred perch. There he might squeeze the man's arm should anything interest him, a subtle form of communication that he could share with His and only His without including the 'mandyr and dragon that dominated the brownrider's attention as often as not. In turn M'ta pretended not to notice how much the flit preferred staying in contact with him or his queer obsession with watching salamandyrs. An odd relationship, to be sure, but one that worked for them.

Sans cane for the first time in far too long (in M'ta's opinion), he stopped outside the door and knocked briskly before opening it. That's him. I apologize. He has not been properly housebroken, the brown commented almost drolly. Though he loved His dearly, the rider just didn't seem to grasp the concept of privacy; locks on doors were mere suggestions to him. Stepping into the room that he already knew to be occupied by only one of its tenants, the brownrider closed the door almost completely, leaving it cracked just enough that the curious would find nothing untoward passing between him and one of his students. (Rumors around the Weyr could be a bitch.) He glanced around the room briefly, then focused his gaze on Lilu.

"Relax," he stated, almost wearily. The end of a long day, this was during the couple of hours he had with his kids normally before he went to pull an infirmary shift, and he wouldn't have come if he hadn't thought it necessary. More of Lilu's stiff...soldiering, or whatever she called it...wasn't something he particularly wanted to deal with right now. "This is informal." Which may or may not make any difference with her. Regardless, he simply leaned back against the small table near the door, setting the informal atmosphere by example. If he could, anyway. "I wanted to see how you were getting on," he began, having to look up slightly to meet the taller girl's eyes. "Selenitas is quite the adjustment for any northern rider." He had questions, concerns, but he wanted to give her the chance to come forth with some of it on her own rather than grill her. Of course, that depended on a lot of things; as first impressions went, neither had given a good showing for themselves.

[Aftershock]

Venideth recieved Ruth's message, and turned towards His, sending, "Lilumine, the bonded of the one you call 'that idiot' has informed me he is approaching our room. He asks that you 'become decent,' whatever that means." Snorting in slight irritation at being used as a messenger, though not irritated enough to risk engendering the wrath of His, Venideth settled back down on his couch, lying his head on his front paws and watching His as she responded with a distracted, "Thank you, Venideth," and began to get dressed after quickly concluding her post-workout wipedown at her wash basin.

She had just finished securing the pants of her flight leathers as M'ta rapped at the door, then came in without asking for verification. She quickly snapped to attention, still resolutely refusing to sacrifice proper discipline despite M'ta's protests regarding it, and snapped crisply, "Weyrling Lilu reporting. You needed to see me, sir?" She seemed completely unconcerned that she had yet to put her top on, her upper body completely bare and still glistening slightly with water from her wipedown, her hair wet and sticking slightly to the skin of her upper back, chest, and upper arms in clumps. She "relaxed" into parade rest as he requested she do so, her stoic expression making her appear almost a bit angered as she glanced down slightly so her grey-blue eyes met the shorter brownriders'.

She stood silently, the bareness of her pale feet making it more obvious as she shifted her weight just slightly to avoid locking her knees, and waited for M'ta to finish speaking. She responded curtly, "Beyond some apparently unresolveable problems concerning your choice of apartmentmate for me..." As she spoke, her eyes moved to indicate the thick cotton curtain she had crudely hung between the two halves of the room, after she had been unable to find a woodworker willing to construct an actual wall to separate her from her cantankerous roommate. She continued, "...I have had no problems adjusting to the Weyr following my Impression." Her back stiffening visibly, she added, "I'm sure you're aware conflicts of personality always occur, sir, but no matter what any of my classmates might say, trust that I will remain professional and complete my assignments as presented to me."

Glancing down at the brownrider once more, Lilu concluded, "If that's all you needed, sir, I still need to finish dressing following my morning exercise routine."

[Requiem]

"I hardly doubt that," the man commented wryly, though he couldn't exactly say if her standing in those various military stances (no, he didn't even know what they were called, nor really cared) topless with her breasts hanging out was the scion of professionalism or the antithesis. Relax apparently wasn't in her vocabulary. "I'm not keeping you from dressing." Though he was tempted to find her something to cover herself with if she didn't move of her own volition soon. Nudity was nothing new to him and oddly enough he didn't find it remotely erotic outside of legitimately erotic situations. It wasn't exactly kosher, though, for a weyrling to be standing before him without her top.

"See, this is what I really don't understand about your military discipline thing. I have told you, time and time again, not to stand at...whatever those stances are...when you address me. Shouldn't you obey that command? Isn't that the whole point of this 'discipline'?" He waved that aside, the questions rhetorical. (M'ta didn't really care to hear the answers to them, either. If it somehow got through to her to stop, great. If not...well. Whatever. This wasn't Benden and her reasons would never really matter.)

"I have to admit that I have some concerns, Lilu. You have more than just personality conflicts with the other weyrlings. It's almost like you come from a completely different world. And rather than trying to adapt to the customs of ours, you cling to your own. This isn't Benden Weyr. Whether you agree with how we do things or not, Selenitas is built on the relationships between riders formed as early as now. You are isolating yourself and that will cause any wing you find yourself on in the future to be weakened. You're a strong person. Capable. Skilled. But no one wants anything to do with you and all that knowledge and ability is going to waste."

He frowned slightly at her. "Help me to understand. What is so difficult about dropping this military bearing that does not apply to Selenitas? I'd much more appreciate simple obedience in your actions and an honest attempt to get along with the other weyrlings. I've had...my own share of dealings with Benden dragonriders. This," he gestured vaguely, indicating, if only abstractly, her strict adherence to military traditions, "is not how they operate either. Most of them are like a huge, disorganized rabble."

[Aftershock]

Lilu remained standing at parade rest for a few moments longer, appreciating M'ta's obvious discomfort with her nudity in a manner she couldn't quite put a name to (though frustratingly, she realized she understood the concept during her lapse), then turned to grab a towel to begin drying her hair and upper body, still in no obvious hurry to cover herself or any shame due to being uncovered in the man's presence. Her expression was unchanged as he spoke, and as he finished his speech, she was just slipping her breastband over her head, and adjusted it into place as she began her response with, "Well, sir, while I appreciate your concern, I'm afraid you're correct. I am from another world, and even in Benden I was not like the other riders. I was told I was special, told that I was made for being the perfect soldier, and that's what I strive to be."

Slipping a tunic over her head, she began lacing the sides tight as she continued, "I was a soldier from my first memory, trained to obey orders, to fight. The other riders, they only spoke to me when necessary, knowing I was different, and I was fine with that. I was not made to make people happy, to understand people. I was made to understand dragonriding, combat, and battling Thread. It's unfortunate the others cannot understand where I come from, as it would make a most optimal fighting team, but all I can do is make sure I am at my peak, and hope the others don't screw things up too much for me to make up for it."

Walking over to retrieve her flight jacket, she slipped it over her shoulders and began strapping it closed as she concluded, "I tried to associate with my roommate when I saw a problem forming, but she refused to even listen to me, so I ceased attempting. I am a different person than the other weyrlings... from ANYone in this Weyr." For a moment, her voice actually showed a trace of emotion, a slight waver to it as she continued, "I don't know how to do what you want me to do, sir. I know how to be a soldier... that's it..."

As she trailed off, she glared at the curtain separating the room once more, anger and frustration in her eyes... and a little bit of sadness and confusion as well. Inhaling to regain her self-control, Lilu caught M'ta with her bright blue-grey eyes once more and said, "I'm sorry if I disappoint you, sir, but I'm doing my best. I promise I will do what is necessary to work with the others, if they're willing to accept me." Her expression was now defiant, though if you looked close enough the sadness was still there, buried deep in her eyes.

[Requiem]

He listened in silence as Lilu dressed. If there was any response to what she said, it wasn't to be found in his eyes or expression. "I'm not disappointed," he said, finally, after she'd gotten everything off her chest and was meeting his gaze again in a mixture of defiance and something else. Nothing else was forthcoming for what probably seemed like a really long time. Her predicament wasn't exactly something that could be fixed with a few words, or even something he fully understood. What made a perfect soldier, anyway? The brownrider could readily admit that despite how rigorous and unforgiving his training regimen was, he personally knew no more about 'soldiering' than most anyone else at Selenitas.

"In all honesty...I'm not sure what to tell you." The words were perhaps long in coming. "I understand better than you might think. The world I came from..." He snorted softly. "It's nothing like what I found here. Where I came from, the only thing more rare than food was trust. You can't imagine how low people will stoop when they're starving. You can't imagine what it's like to be so worthless in the eyes of the Hold that you're hunted simply for surviving, to fill a shackle on a mining chain gang. Where anyone will turn you in for a mark, a crust of bread. Or kill you for it."

He ran his fingers along the edge of the table idly. "Selenitas is no Bitra. It took me a long time to get used to trusting people again. I still don't find it easy. Often, it's a daily struggle. I know what people are like at their worst. " His eyes met Lilu's again. "What I mean to say is being different isn't...that different. Selenitas is a place of cast offs and refugees as well as the southerners here who have never really seen the war. You have all manner of people here trying to work together through their differences."

He searched her face for a moment, not really sure if he was getting anywhere with her or not. "These kids aren't soldiers, Lilu. Most of them have no prior experience whatsoever. No combat training. They haven't even kept to a physical training regimen before. They're not going to be what you expect them to be. And if you're ever going to find in them people you can rely on in a pinch beyond it just being their duty - and Faranth knows duty means precious little to some of these - you're going to have to stop holding yourself apart and expecting them to accept you first. You have to accept them. Only when people feel like you're not judging them are they ready to accept your help, are they ready to take the things you've learned and put them to use, are they ready to take you as a friend."

Because Lilu seemed nothing if not lonely. "You have a rare opportunity here, Lilu. You can establish a friendship with these weyrlings where you all can learn from each other. Where they can learn from your past experiences, and you can learn how to live the life of someone other than a soldier. It can't happen as long as you hold yourself apart, though. Try through your actions, Lilu. Words...everyone knows how valueless words are."

[Aftershock]

As M'ta spoke, Lilu finished drying and brushing out her long red hair, and she had just finished braiding it and curling it into a neat bun on the back of her head as he finished. Securing the bun with a wooden hairpin, Lilu resumed parade rest, apparently simply being comfortable in the pose, and replied with a heavy sigh, "Yes, sir, I know exactly how valueless words are. However, you don't seem to realize that I have no idea how to do what you ask."

Lilu then began pacing, her posture still unconsciously erect, her arms still laced behind her back. "You don't seem to understand the fact that I have no experience with friendship, or anything like it. The camaraderie one feels towards a fellow soldier is the closest I've ever come to it, and even then it was lessened by the fact that I could not truly understand them, and they could not truly understand me. I've always been geared towards one thing, and I have no knowledge of how to do it any other way."

Stopping, a look of pain and frustration came over her face as she put one hand on her forehead, grumbling with frustration before saying, "When I had what I call my 'memory lapse', I was apparently working off a clean slate, and my... other self, I guess you could call it... seemed to have no problem at all with making friends and associating with people on a personal level. I can access those memories, but..." She seemed to grow more frustrated, as if trying to pull something from inside her that was stuck, and failing... "I can't access the social skills my other self used. They are as blocked to me as if by an actual, physical barrier."

Removing her hand from her forehead, she turned again towards M'ta, the frustration and irritation still coloring her voice as she concluded, "I can accept them for what they are, but I don't believe they can ever accept me for what I am. And so, unfortunately, I will have to trust you to train them as well as you can, and hope that's enough to make them a halfway-decent fighting force that will obey orders quickly... or give proper ones. Because in the skies, that's what matters."

[Requiem]

Well, if that wasn't downright defeatist. Even M'ta wasn't so negative as to believe that something over which he had some personal control would never change. Of course, he had Behruth. The brown was everything in personality that the brownrider hadn't been, sweet and trusting and loving, and that probably helped a great deal. (Of course he'd had friends well before Behruth.) But it still couldn't help that Lilu's dragon was so...unfriendly.

"I understand that fine? It just doesn't really have all that much bearing on what you do from this point forward." The man shrugged a shoulder. Even he had friends. It wasn't that hard if the little testy brownrider could do it. "Don't keep them at a distance by acting too aloof or too formal, have their backs and show up on occasion just to hang out with them...and that's really all you need for a friendship. It's not difficult. You don't even have to be particularly nice as long as you're there." The man smiled wryly at that. He wasn't particularly nice himself.

M'ta wrinkled his nose at the woman, then. Really. "I do well enough," he commented dryly. "People have to be willing to learn, too." See: C'loy. That boy was going to end up repeating at the very least, M'ta was pretty sure. Hands found his pockets and he regarded Lilu for a long moment. "Is it too personal to ask when you Impressed the first time?" Woman seemed awfully confident of her skills. Certain, even, that she had nothing else she could learn. M'ta highly doubted that, but he'd at least like to see where the assumption was coming from.

[Aftershock]

Lilu somewhat looked down her nose at the smaller brownrider, one eyebrow slightly raised in an expression that just screamed, "Has this man been listening to a single word I've said?" Sighing, she glanced to the side in an obvious attempt to keep the irritation in her eyes from being directed straight at her Weyrlingmaster, and replied, "Sir, you don't seem to understand. I have never had a friend. I have no idea how to do what you say. You tell me to not act 'too aloof' or 'too formal'. I don't see myself as acting either of those two things, and so I would have to fake such things, which would not be a good basis for a relationship even if I did have the ability to fake such things convincingly... which I guarantee you I do not." A slight sneer to her expression accompanied, "I should know, I tried to do so with Osnat, and she not only saw right through it, but even my attempt obviously made her even more confused and uncomfortable in my presence."

Turning back to face M'ta once more, she continued, "As for 'showing up on occasion just to hang out with them'... when am I supposed to do this? Any attempts to simply 'hang out', as you say, with my fellow weyrlings... with anyone in this Weyr... would not result in what you think it would. What are we supposed to speak about? It's blatantly obvious to me during our classes that I am the only person who actually enjoys this, I am sure the others would rather avoid speaking about classwork or training when not involved in it. I have no idea what other things they would be interested in speaking about that it wouldn't be impossible for me to even feign interest in... and, again, I'm a soldier, not an actor, and even if I tried to feign interest my falsehood would be painfully obvious." Fixing the man with a look that showed she was obviously insulted, she concluded, "As for having their backs, of course I do. They are my classmates, my Weyrmates. Supporting others in your unit is basics for any soldier, even the most basic one... and I am well beyond that, thank you very much."

At his final question, Venideth raised his head from where he had been resting it, watching His and M'ta speak this entire time, and mindsaid to Lilu, "The fool has wasted enough of our time. He is not a true leader... he is not even bonded to a bronze! You have no reason to listen to him speak any further." Lilu, for her part, responded silently, "He has been assigned as my Weyrlingmaster. No matter my personal thoughts on the matter, I must treat him as my direct superior. Questioning such things simply opens the way for a breakdown in the command structure, which opens the way for a complete breakdown of what little discipline this Weyr has, which would be disastrous come Threadfall or combat. And that is unacceptable, Venideth. A command structure is vital, and for that command structure to be maintained, one must learn to obey the commands of those stationed higher than themselves, even if those commands seem ill-advised at the time. You must trust that someone in a position of authority was placed there for good reason." Venideth's eyes swirled yellow-orange in frustration, but he did not further question His, simply lying his head back on his front paws and snorting loudly.

Following this mental exchange, Lilu locked gazes with M'ta and said, "That is a very personal question, and I would watch my actions as you ask it, as bringing up such a painful part of my past still has the potential to drive me to perform... self-harming actions. However, you seem to wish to know, so as you command, I will obey." Taking a deep breath, then closing her eyes, apparently trying to mentally brace herself for a possible flood of emotion from opening such a memory of her deceased dragon, she whispered, "Benden Weyr, turn 3011, July... brown Fellsareth..." Her shoulders shook a bit as she spoke the name, her eyes twisting up in obvious mental pain, and she sat silent for a moment, obviously wrestling with a great internal pain.

[Requiem]

M'ta wasn't the most prideful of people. In fact, he had very little pride at all, perhaps too little. It was hypocrisy that got under his skin more than anything, and that was something Lilu displayed in spades. His patience with this girl was wearing thin. It didn't help that he was beginning to think she really didn't want to make any connections with her fellow weyrlings or anyone else. Not unless she could make it on her own terms. He was also getting tired of her looks and the tone of her voice. In all actuality, he rather doubted that it was the formality that turned people off. More likely it was this disdainful attitude she had that seemed to seep from every pore. If she talked to other people in any way like she did him, he didn't blame them. People could tell that sort of thing, couched in pretty 'sirs' or no.

Dramatics. M'ta's eyes narrowed slightly. If a weyrling could hurt herself with a new hatchling over an old dragon, she would not have Impressed. Dragonets did not bond to suicidals and the like. He'd never lost his dragon and never wanted to, but he wouldn't survive it anyway which meant her bond with this Fellsareth wasn't as strong. Strong, yes. As strong, no. He had enough of an idea with PMS, but he wasn't volunteering that information.

The irony was...they'd Impressed the same turn. Of course he still had Behruth and she'd lost her brown awhile back, so it wasn't the same, but he still appreciated the irony. She must have been twelve or something crazy like that. Too young for a dragon in the war. Not that most people would listen to his opinion on that. M'ta nodded, not bothering with a verbal comment considering she'd take it wrong like everything else. The brownrider was usually more supportive but he knew when that was welcome and when it wasn't, like now.

"I had thought that perhaps with your prior experience I might use you as I would one of the older weyrlings who had to repeat the lessons for one reason or another, but honestly I can't work with someone with your attitude," he commented quietly. "Not just on a personal level. I'm not sure if you were like this with your superiors at Benden Weyr or not, but if you were I have to wonder how you survived. Your disrespect is a lot more obvious than you probably believe it to be, as is your disdain. If you truly do want to make some solid connections here, that is what I'd start working on. Just because someone is not as good a 'soldier' as you," and here there was definitely some doubt as to the validity of that statement in his voice, 'doesn't mean they're not better at other things. It doesn't make them lower than you. You'd do well to remember that."

Pushing up off the table, he moved back toward the door. "Here an attitude like that will probably land you with a position you really don't like. Attitude is more important in many cases than actual skill, especially on a wing." The brownrider thought about maybe hearing what she had to say to that, but then decided that his words were likely to go in one ear and out the other. Lilu was anything but pliable. "Enjoy the rest of your night." He slipped out the door.

[Aftershock]

Lilu recovered herself, with some mental bolstering from Venideth, and watched M'ta as he spoke. Sighing, she shook her head slightly, wondering how she'd ended up here. She didn't know if it was a communication problem due to the Benden terminology versus Southern terminology, or just complete personality disconnect between herself and the general Southern mindset, but it was obvious she was doomed to make no connections here beyond Venideth. And, unlike in Benden, there was no war to make it matter less, just sitting around and waiting for Thread.

As M'ta left, she snapped to attention, though not as sharply as before, and replied, "You, too, sir." Her voice was softer... more tired. As he closed the door behind him, she turned to Venideth, thinking, "As I realized quickly enough, it's just you and me, Venideth. Let us hope the others don't make things too difficult for us." Venideth, in response, mindsaid, "Yes, Lilumine, I figured it would be the case. My siblings are fools, for the most part... even my bronzebrother, if his choice in bonded says anything. I chose you because I knew you were the most capable. Together, we will go far, this I know." Lilu walked over to Venideth, and rubbed him along his jaw, responding, "Yes, we must. Without dependable Wingmates, we must be superior, or else we will die. And that is unacceptable."

((End Thread))