How the Years Have Changed Us... (Serissa)

[Aftershock]

M'gnum walked through the infirmary, holding a scrap piece of cloth he had found to his chest. The grey cloth was already saturated with blood, but M'gnum bore the wound without complaint, seeking a Healer to assist him. He had gotten into a blade sparring match with M'ta, and though the brownrider was skilled (which was why M'gnum enjoyed sparring with him, as it tested his skills), the man was unused to sparring, and more used to fighting for his life. So, when M'gnum pushed the man in order to make sure the sparring was pushing both men to their limit, M'ta's counterattack was a bit more aggressive than it would have been otherwise, and he had caught M'gnum across the chest with his blade. The cut was far from life-threatening, but it was somewhat deep, and M'gnum did realize that it might leave a nasty scar if it wasn't sewn up, so he had given the win to M'ta and excused himself to take care of the wound.

Finally, M'gnum noticed a blonde woman with the knots of a Healer, and tapped her on the shoulder, since she seemed to not be busy with any patients, and said, "Excuse me, m'lady, might you assist me with this wound? It requires stitching."

[Ruby]

Serissa was supposed to be working, but no one really expected her to complete tasks, so everyone had stopped giving her important things to do long ago. Given, however, that she technically ranked most of those left in the infirmary, they couldn't exactly give her apprentice-type tasks, so as usual Serissa was at loose ends. In theory, she had a stack of old records that listed every case of Firehead, and she was supposed to be looking for commonalities in the victims. A pointless, stupid task that some Master had no doubt already made an in-depth study of. It wasn't even interesting enough to keep her mind off... things. Anything. Everything. Instead, Serissa was staring into space.

As such, she would have ignored the man speaking to her (why did he want to talk to HER, anyway? She was of no use to anyone) if he hadn't tapped her on the shoulder. When he did, she started visibly, turning slowly with a look that was somewhere between annoyance and desperation on her face. She still looked a wreck - she probably always would at this point - and her absoutle refusal to hide whatever she was feeling certainly didn't make her look any more welcoming. "Can't, they don't let me have sharp things. Yes, even needles. I guess they're afraid I'll poke out my eyes or something?" It was true, even if the other Healers rarely enforced it anymore. There was always some Apprentice leaving a scalpel around. If Serissa still wanted to kill herself she certainly had the means, she just wasn't sure she had the motivation anymore. She didn't have the motivation for much of anything, really.

Turning back to her records without even looking twice at the man who had interrupted her, she gestured halfheartedly towards another room. "Should be someone useful in there. Don't bleed out, please."

[Aftershock]

"Oh, my apologies, m'lady," M'gnum replied, though his mouth curled downwards at the woman's reaction and appearance. Realizing that she could not help him, but that he might help her, he turned to get his cut taken care of so he could concentrate on the woman without worrying about his wound getting any worse.

Finding another Healer in a moment, he thought more on the woman as his cut was cleaned and stitched. As his thoughts and memories were cross-referenced against one another, he finally figured it out... he knew who the woman was! He hadn't seen her since he had left Fort, but the fact that he had heard her name mentioned around the Weyr before he was forced to flee to Burimyu helped him realize she had come to Selenitas, as well. He was never close to her, either during Candidacy or weyrlinghood, so he could understand why she had never approached him, though he was curious as to why she looked so... listless and empty.

Thanking the healer who had cleaned and sewn his wound, he returned to where Serissa was sitting, and said, "Excuse me, Lady Serissa? That is who you are, correct? I'm not sure if you remember me, but we went through Candidacy and weyrlinghood together at Fort Weyr... you might remember me better by my pre-Impression name of Magsinium..." Trailing off, he looked into the blonde woman's blank eyes, searching for recognition...

[Ruby]

The man's apologies were met with a grunt, and she returned to her records with a bit more gusto, thankful that they at least kept her looking busy, so she could justify not talking to any more bleeders. She supposed the infirmary was better than being alone in her room, but honestly it wasn't much better. At least she was upright in the infirmary, and didn't spend all day in bed? It wasn't something to live for, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it kept her on a schedule. Some tiny undamaged part of her brain was happy about that, at the very least.

In theory the books kept the bleeders away. In practice, not so much (although to be fair the man wasn't actually bleeding anymore). Still, his use of the title Lady shocked her enough that she looked up, more puzzled that anything else now. "Lady? I'm no Holder -" A spasm of pain crossed her features, and she dropped her eyes again. She might as well be a Lady Holder, for all the good she did around here. Shaking her head just slightly as if to clear that sort of thought, she marked and closed her book then looked back up at the man (Bronzerider said the knots), furrowing her brow at his supposed knowledge of her. She might have been suspicious in the past, but now being outed as a Fort rider hardly mattered. If some stray wastelander wanted to come kill her in her sleep, that was fine with her.

Magsinium didn't ring any bells, but then again Serissa had only been a Candidate for about two weeks. If he was a rider, though, it would have been elided... "M'gnum? Of that bronze that tried to kill me?" Well well, wasn't that odd. Serissa did her best to ignore Bronzeriders as a rule (if there was a group of humans even less useful to her than male blueriders, it was bronzeriders), so it was no surprise that she hadn't run in to him before, even more so since she'd done her best to hide her origins while Selenitas was opposed to Fort, aka the whole time she'd been here. Momentarily speechless, she just blinked once or twice, finally managing, "....Wow."

[Aftershock]

M'gnum's smile due to his conclusion being proven correct soon twisted in embarrassment as Serissa brought up the fact that Higginth had run right over her (and a few other girls) who had circled his egg thinking he was a gold at his hatching while approaching M'gnum. "Yes, that was Higginth, my bronze," he began, coloring slightly, "And I do apologize for never making up for that in his stead, though in his defense, he was just a baby when it happened..."

Clearing his throat a bit to expel some of the discomfort of the situation, he continued, "So, this is where you were. I had heard your name, as it would be difficult not to when you're one of the top dragonhealers of the Weyr, but I never saw you, somehow. Whatever happened, m'lady? You look as if you've had little in the way of sleep or time to care for oneself in the immediate past. Is there anything I might do to assist you?"

[Ruby]

The Bronzerider's sudden embarrassment very, very nearly made Serissa laugh. At least her expression lightened a bit, mainly in her eyes. All of a sudden they looked less dead, regained a touch of the lightness they'd always had before. It was gone almost as fast as it appeared, but the slightest touch of humor remained in her tone. Making bronzeriders uncomfortable had been one of her favorite past times, before... "I was stating a fact, not fishing for a ten-turn-old apology," she replied, one corner of her mouth turning up just a little to keep the words from stinging. The more she talked to M'gnum the more she remembered him, and he always had been ridiculously polite. She'd enjoyed attempting to make him crack, but had never quite gotten there. Allaen had loved hearing the stories, though.

The continued use of 'Lady' and the exorbitant praise (well, at first) made the little quirk of Serissa's mouth grow in the direction of a true smile, but M'gnum asking was was wrong effectively wiped it away again. Serissa was still Serissa, though, and now that her old behavior patterns were coming back it was hard to stop them. "I've never been a lady, nor will I ever be, Faranth willing," she said. This time, whether she was being serious or joking was up for debate - she was teasing, but it would be hard to tell since she sounded about as bland as flour. "And flattery isn't going to get you much of anything, I've always been a mediocre healer at best and I'm sure that'll never change. It took me what, ten years to hit Journeyman?" Again, conversation with Serissa worked much better when she wasn't quite so deadpan. "I'm one of the only Dragonhealers at the weyr, and Kalierre liked me. So." Another pang. So much loss.

She'd tried to avoid the subject by answering all of his other statements first, but M'gnum being M'gnum, she doubted he'd leave off until he got his answer. Better to get it out all at once than play cat and mouse forever. "And unless you're particularly skilled at resurrecting the dead, I doubt there's anything you can do for me but leave me alone." Hopefully he'd figure out what the lack of Rider's knots meant, and the idea of a lost dragon would make him uncomfortable enough to drive him off. Honestly, Serissa knew it likely wouldn't - now he'd be even more insistent that he help - but if he could figure out how to help her, Serissa would take it. If she wasn't going to die, she might as well try to fix herself.

[Aftershock]

M'gnum's smile returned as he was recognized, and he watched some life return to Serissa's eyes... but it was soon muted once more when he asked what was wrong. As she related her story, he finally connected her sadness and the fact that she had Healer-only knots rather than dragonrider knots, and understood the truth of her condition... she was suffering from dragonloss. Placing a reassuring hand carefully on her shoulder, he said, "I'm truly sorry, m'lad... er, Serissa. Though I know my words do nothing to return that which was lost, I do wish you to know you have my deepest condolences."

Suddenly, M'gnum had an idea. He refused to leave the poor women in pain and alone, especially since the look in her eyes when she recognized him showed him that the old Serissa was not lost, simply buried in grief. If he could not remove the source of the pain, perhaps he could simply move the focus away from it. "Despite possible camaraderie with Kalierre, you are still a great Healer on your own merits, and one of a rare few experienced Dragonhealers. I cannot bring back the dead, but you have a much better chance at it than I do. Perhaps you cannot bring back what is already lost, but you have the skills and the ability to help prevent someone else from feeling the loss you have." His voice was passionate and full of vigor and confidence, which he hoped would transfer over to the subdued woman. "In fact, respecting the memory of your dragon, perhaps you might even join as a Candidate once more. I've personally heard of two cases of re-Impression, one very recently in this very Weyr, if the stories about our newest female blueweyrling are true."

Placing both hands on Serissa's shoulders and looking her in her eyes (hoping to bring out the old challenging glare the younger woman used to have when it came to men and bronzers), he continued, "I did not know your dragon well, but I can be assured that wherever he is now, he would not want you being depressed and unwilling to continue your life. He might be lost, but you survived, and I'm sure he would prefer you spend your time keeping his brothers and sisters, and their bondeds, safe and healthy, rather than concentrating on his death, which no matter how much time you spend on it, you cannot undo anyway. Concentrate on your life, and the good you can accomplish in it. Your dragon made his mark bringing you to where you are... now it's up to you to continue from where he brought you, to continue to make your own mark upon the world."

[Ruby]

"Condolences, lovely. Words are wind," she replied, perfectly happy to leave it at that. Condolences did nothing but make her feel worse, which had always been the case - on the rare occasion that Serissa was upset prior to her loss, she'd avoided sympathetic people like the plague. Nothing, after all, was more likely to make her cry. Lucky for M'gnum, she was pretty sure she'd cried out all the moisture in her body long ago. There would be no tears today.

As if on cue, Daniel swooped down from where he'd been watching intently atop a cupboard, the dark brown firelizard curling into Serissa's lap with a muted red glare at the Bronzerider. Serissa rested a hand on his back, serving the dual purpose of calming the Brown and keeping him from feeling the need to drive M'gnum off or something of the sort. Daniel tended to take his duties seriously, whatever they were, and Serissa didn't want him getting the wrong idea. She'd hear M'gnum out - if what she remembered of the Bronzerider was correct, he couldn't help but aid a lady in need, and she was certainly that. It would be interesting to hear his theories, at least.

And... well. Interesting, she supposed. "Absolutely not." There was something profoundly dead about her words, something that went beyond grief or anger. Returning to candidacy was literally unthinkable. "Sure, we've all heard stories of re-impression - shells, wasn't that dead Goldrider a re-impression, too? - but those girls had had their bondeds for two, maybe three turns. I was with Ildyth for a decade. He's my soul. He's the only soul I'll ever have." Daniel squeaked in a most undignified manner and nudged her finger apologetically, and Serissa realized she had a white-knuckled grip on the firelizard. Releasing him, she went on, "I'm too old, anyway. Old and useless. If I'd never impressed..." But no, that wasn't even something she would consider. She'd never take it back.

Her jaw tightened visibly, and Serissa shifted her hands under the edge of the desk so she could dig the fingernails of one hand into her arm, just above the wrist. Physical pain was infinitely better than existential pain, and it had the added bonus of being really distracting. M'gnum's mistaken impression of Ildyth made her let out something that could have been a laugh, however. "Ildyth would be proud that I'm grieving the most and that I will continue to do so the longest," she said, fingernails digging in even deeper. "He always won, no matter the contest, and he sure wasn't noble about it." After a moment, though, her hand relaxed, and Daniel perked up a bit. That was the first time she'd said his name aloud since it happened. In an attempt to change the conversation, she added, "I figured you'd be handing me a knife and telling me to get on with it. What honor is there in lingering after your true love is dead, after all?"

[Aftershock]

M'gnum frowned a bit as she dismissed his idea of re-Impression, and replied, "Age doesn't matter when it comes to Impression. I, myself, didn't Impress Higginth until 17, as you remember. You Impressed Ildyth, and he was a gift... but the fact that you DID Impress him shows that you HAVE a gift. Not everyone is Searched, as I'm sure you're well aware... only certain people have the minds to properly mesh with a draconic mind and Impress them. I am quite certain the low rate of reImpression is simply due to the low numbers of dragonriders who survive the deaths of their bondeds... not surprising, considering if they aren't driven to immediately kill themselves, most things that could slay a dragon occur at a height that isn't exactly conducive towards survival without wings," he concluded, his mouth twisting into a wry expression. Crossing his arms over his bandaged chest, he added, "Not even attempting to re-Impress is simply squandering that gift, in my opinion. A gift that could have you back into the skies, defending the people from Thread as those with the gift should."

As she spoke of her former dragon, M'gnum's expression changed to one of confusion, and not a small amount of disbelief. "Wait... you believe your dragon would be HAPPY that you're miserable and barely able to function? You're surely mistaken. I have my arguments with Higginth, to be sure, and we don't always see eye-to-eye, but the bond we share, that all dragonriders should share with their dragons, means we should always hope for the happiness of our bondmate, in the end. Pain, physical and emotional, travels across the bond, and so wishing pain upon your bonded would be wishing pain upon oneself... which is madness," he finished, giving Serissa an incredulous look.

As he sat for a moment trying to wrap his brain around Serissa's apparently strange relationship with her former dragon, he finally came upon another idea. Raising a hand with his forefinger extended to draw Serissa's attention to his next words, he started, "Wait, I have another idea... Eikask, the gold wher, Ran recently. She'll be having a clutch soon. Perhaps, since you don't have to technically be a Candidate to Impress a wher, you could attend the wher hatching? A wher is no dragon, to be sure, but it could be a way of easing your pain while still respecting the memory of Ildyth, since you wouldn't be attempting to directly replace him." Finishing his idea, he looked Serissa in the eyes, watching for her reaction to this new idea.

[Ruby]

“You didn’t impress Higginth until 17? I’m twenty eight,” she replied, “And they cut off dragon candidates at, like, 23 anyway. Maybe they raised it to 25, but still.” For anyone that knew Serissa before, that sort of statement would be shocking – the woman hardly ever made excuses, especially excuses that would stop her from doing what she wanted. Clearly this wasn’t something she was even considering, for the greater good or no. Serissa had never been as interested in the greater good as she had been in her own good. A casual flick of the wrist ended the topic. Serissa was not interested.

His confusion about Ildyth very nearly made her smile, though. “That’s not what I meant. It was… Ildyth was always an odd one. Competitive to the core, but he supported me in whatever I wanted, all the time. I really mean whatever, too. He didn’t think about consequences – that was my job, healer and all – but anything I wanted, he wanted me to be the best. If I wanted to, oh, jump off the side of the Weyr, he’d help me jump from the highest point and perform the most beautiful dive.” The Healer made an odd face, realizing that this was the most she’d talked about Ildyth in literally months. Suddenly uncomfortable, she wrapped it up quickly. “So it’s not that he was wishing himself pain, or that he’d be happy to see me miserable. Just that, as long as I wanted to be miserable, that was fine with him. He’d also be proud if I had recovered immediately or if I was going to grieve the longest – as long as I was doing something the most.” That may or may not make sense to M’gnum, but Serissa was smiling a little, glad of the memory even if it hurt.

She was about to give it up for a bad job and go back to her book when M’gnum raised a finger. “Whers.” Her eyebrows pulled together, and she struggled briefly with a flash of distaste. “But they’re so ugly.” That was unfair, she knew, so she added, “Do you really think it would help? I mean, I know they needed a volunteer healer to be on standby for that hatching, whers blood and we can’t spare the staff…”

[Aftershock]

M'gnum allowed himself a slight smile at seeing Serissa's smile, seeing he had helped, at least a little. Then, at her response to his wher suggestion, he pressed the advantage, saying, "Of course it would help. I've heard some whers even Impress as strongly as dragons, and even if you do not, you are a great Healer, so having you there at the Hatching will definitely be of assistance." Carefully putting a hand on Serissa's shoulder, he said, "M'lady, I know not if you truly believe that you were meant for something greater or not, but this, I believe, was meant to happen. Go to the wher hatching, and see if, perhaps, there is something in store for you. If not, at least you've performed your duty as a Healer, and can be proud of that."

[Ruby]

"I don't know." Serissa's hesitation was visible, and she actually drew away a little. Daniel, who had taken up a spot on the table while the humans talked, returned to the Healer's lap, sensing that his presence was needed. "Impression. I don't know. It's like I'm replacing him." Her eyes had been down most of the time, but now she dropped her head further, letting her hair fall forward. "I suppose..." she said, reaching out to thumb a page of the book before shaking her hair back again. "I suppose I could volunteer. It couldn't hurt, even though I don't think any wher would want me, not after... what I've been through." She still wasn't sold on the 'something greater' side of things, but she also didn't feel like arguing it with M'gnum. Not right now.

Pausing again, she looked at M'gnum, trying to recall why the Bronzerider had been talking to her in the first place. "You, ah. An apprentice took care of you already, right? Did you need anything else?"

[Aftershock]

M'gnum let Serissa wrestle through her own doubts, leaving his hand on her shoulder for reassurance, and smiled wholeheartedly once she'd made her decision. After she asked her question, he gave her shoulder one final friendly squeeze, trying to invest some of his own confidence in her ability to achieve great things, and said, "No, I'm all taken care of. Good luck at the hatching, Serissa, though I'm sure you don't need it. When one has skill, the need for luck is secondary," he concluded, taking his shoulder from her hand and turning to leave the Infirmary at last.